Amoeba (The Experiments) (30 page)

“I have to . . . I have to tell you something.”

“You wanna talk now? Right now?”

Cal nodded nervously.

“Oh
, I don’t think so.” Laying both of his hands on her face, Jake stepped into Cal, backing her up as he kissed her.

“Daddy.” Such a childish whine came from Aldo’s spoiled nineteen-year-old daughter, Alison. “Please.” She stomped in her walk, flinging her dark hair as Aldo sat at his desk with Ivan, an investor in the experiment.

“Alison
, hold up.” Aldo held up his hand, reviewing the manuscript before him, which was flipped open to a page while he held a red pen. “We’re missing something.”

Ivan looked over his own manuscript. “Aldo, all these damn new companies that Caldwell has. How in God’s name are they gonna satisfy them all with results
?”

“Look at it this way
,” Aldo explained, even though he was slightly annoyed at his daughter standing behind him, playing with his chair. “Nine days into the experiment and how many of these places have they touched upon? We know they are hitting the fertility and sexuality study place.” He paused when his daughter giggled in his ear. “The suntan place with that new sun screen, which I promised my housekeeper I would get for her. How many hours are these people in the sun and the ones that use it haven’t even darkened. Impressive. Also, the Wild Animal Foundation, Quigley Homoeopathy Pharmaceutical is ongoing. If we could just figure out which one they used on your man, Reed, to make him bald . . . Alison, please quit laughing.”

She giggled. “He’s bald? They made a man bald?”

Ivan shook his head. “I just think they did it to him to cause him mental stress.”

“Yes
,” Aldo said. “Obviously, but they are gonna satisfy the new funding as much as they can in the process. That’s why I think one of these is the one, only which one is . . .” Aldo swiped his daughter’s pointing finger away from the page. “Alison, please go away, and I’ll buy you two extra pairs of shoes.”

“But Daddy, I was helping you.”

“Pointing that fingernail with green polish isn’t helping, it’s irritating.”

“I was showing you which one made the man bald.”

Ivan looked up from his list. “Show me, Alison.”

Alison gave a snide look to her father and walked around to Ivan. She indicated on the long sheet of names. “Here. Fidel La’soon. He’s the hair guy
, and he has that long line of hair care products.”

Aldo nodded
, impressed. “So you’re saying that one of his shampoos was tested on this man and perhaps it didn’t work?”

With a quirky look
, Alison shook her head at Aldo. “No, Daddy, in New York he has that hair removal clinic that all the big stars go to for electrolysis. Remember I asked for you to send me there so I could go last summer without shaving my legs? And Fidel’s motto there is that he is continuously working on new ways for quick and painless hair removal.”

“Alison.” Aldo was amazed. “That was brilliant coming from you.”

Alison twirled her hair. “Thank you, Daddy. Can we go now?”

Ivan shut his manuscript. “You go on
, Aldo, I’m in town for that convention for three more days. We’ll speak then.”

“Thanks, Ivan. Alison
, can you . . .”

“I’ll call for the car.” Alison flew out of her father’s office.

Shaking his head, Aldo stood up at the same time as Ivan. “Not bad, we’ve nailed five of these new places so far.”

“Yes
, but five out of how many?” Ivan asked. “Will you let the others know?”

“Without a doubt. You know . . .” Aldo walked behind his desk. “This is really the first time that the investors ever pulled
their thoughts and theories together.”

“The five new guys are pretty good.” Ivan moved to the door. “No assholes this time.”

“I agree.” Aldo walked with him. “And with this comprehensive list to satisfy that Caldwell has, we need to pull together. Because let’s face it, though they say they do, Caldwell doesn’t tell us everything.”

“No
, they don’t.” Ivan paused at the door. “But I have to tell you, Aldo. This list Caldwell has makes me think that this is going to be either one of the most confusing experiments, or one of the most fun.”

“Fun? Let’s hope
so.” Aldo opened the door. “After all, meaning no disrespect, but we did get a good chuckle out of Reed today.”

With an agreeing nod and a laugh, Ivan left the office with Aldo.

With a loud karate style scream, Rickie leaped off Jake and Cal’s porch and trotted to the unity circle. He wiped his hands on the back of his pants and headed to Lou who sat by the fire eating.

“You’re hurting my feelings
, Rickie.” Lou told him. “You’re not eating.”

“Dude.” Rickie pointed back to Jake’s porch. “I have to do the fam thing and chow
down on the porch like in an episode of Ozzie and Harriet. The Sarge, like, is making me. He just yelled at me about quality time.”

“But that’s cool.”

“Yeah it is.” Rickie straddled the log. “Guy, you ought to check out the table Sarge stole from the recreation room. It’s, like, all set like we eat at home.”

“I’m jealous.” Lou ate some of his food.

“Too bad, guy. I feel for you.”

Lou set down his plate. “And if you guys are eating soon, I’d better go make a turn of it.”

“Cool.” Rickie folded his hands, looked around to see who else he could bother, and scooted over to where Reed sat with Paul. “Hey.”

Paul looked up. “Rickie. I was going to come and talk to you.”

“Why? What did I do?”

“Nothing.” Paul handed Reed a plate of food, “I wanted to apologize for my behavior with you.”

“Dude, like, don’t worry. I truly believe that one should not hold a grudge.”

“Good for you.”

“Yeah.” Rickie stared at Reed. “Flute, man, you’re looking good. Not quite so Vincent Price-like guy. How you feeling?”

“Cold
, but better,” Reed answered taking small bites of his food.

“Dude, let me poke up the fire, it’s getting small anyhow.”

“Thanks, Rickie,” Reed told him.

“That’s very nice of you
, Rickie,” Paul commented.

“I’m the man.” Rickie stood up and grabbed the large stick by the fire. “Just got to turn this log here and it should restart the . . .”

Crack. Pop. Sizzle. Scream
.

With a
shriek, Reed flew backwards off the log he was sitting on, holding his face, because a hot cinder shot out from the fire smacking with force into Reed’s cheek.

Rickie slowly laid down the stick, glanced
at Paul who was using his napkin to pat out the burning bandages on Reed, and then, softly whistling, placed his hands in his pockets and walked over to where Judge and Larry sat. Larry immediately got up and left. After flipping him off, Rickie sat down. “Hey, Wopner.”

Judge slightly smiled at Rickie. He ran his fork playfully through his food.

“Whoa, are you, like, in emotional quicksand or what? Man. It’s only, like, nine days. You shouldn’t be like this unless, you know, you’re Reed.”

“I’m just thinking of my family. Worrying about my granddaughter.”

“Bummer.” Rickie reached out and picked up a stick. As he extended it toward the fire, Judge stopped him. “So, like, I bet you just need to know how she’s doing, huh?”

“Yes. My prayers are there,
and I’m there in spirit. Unfortunately, if I want to pay for those medical bills, I have to be here with no communication, no way to find out what’s going on.”

“Guy, like, I’m the family man now. Don’t tell anyone
, but I may be helping to have a brother or sister.” Rickie winked. “You may be non-comunicato with the civilized world, but I’m not. I can call for you.”

“You can make a phone call?”

“Sure, guy. I’m not a pawn. Guy, like I called the weather ten times yesterday. Only like . . .” Rickie scratched his head. “It didn’t do any good cause the only weather number I knew was from back home. It rained yesterday in North Carolina.” Rickie nodded. “High of sixty, humidity was at eighty percent.”

“Interesting.”

“I was thinking of pursuing a career as a weather man. Billy, like, works for the big place. He can get me a job.”

“I’d watch it.”

“Cool.” Rickie nodded. “So, like, you want to give me your number and I’ll call and check on the fam for you?”

“Will I get in trouble?” Judge asked.

“Guy, rules say you must rely on the resources available. I . . .” Rickie laid his hand on his own chest. “Am a resource.”

Judge closed his eyes. “Thank you. Just knowing will help me get through this a little better. Thank you
, Rickie.” He reached up laying a firm had on Rickie’s shoulder. “You’re a good kid.”

“For a monster.”

“Um . . .” Judge removed his hand. “Yes.”

^^
^^

There was a certain amount of pleasure to Lou’s voice as he spoke. Talking slowly, standing before his homemade barbeque pit complete with rotisserie, he looked at Cal who held the plate along with a look of disgust, and to Jake who looked pleased. Lou, holding a huge butcher knife, poked the two-prong fork into the backside of the slow spinning and cooking boar. “There.” He sliced a hunk. “Now there’s a good piece of pork for you.” He laid it on the plate Cal held. “The butt is always juiciest. Saved it for you guys because we wouldn’t be having this feast without you.”

Jake looked at Cal. “Could he be anymore right
, Pied Piper?”

Cal’s mouth opened wider
, and she grew more nauseous the more Lou stacked the pile of pig buttocks onto the plate. She swallowed and handed the dish to Jake. “Hold this.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m going to see what’s taking Billy so long,” she said, backing up.

“Tell him to hurry up. I’m hungry.” Jake watched Cal move toward Billy’s bungalow
, and he looked at Lou who was still slicing the boar. “This was an excellent idea, Lou.”

“Nothing like a
pig roast.” Lou set down the knife. “And oh, yeah, hey . . . .” He snapped his fingers. “Like you asked. I kept my eyes peeled.”

“And?” Jake asked.

“This is the one that ate Reed’s ear.”

Jake smiled and snuck a piece of pork from the plate, looked at Reed’s bungalow
, and shoved the pork in his mouth.

“Billy?” Cal knocked on the door. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah
,” he answered from inside.

“Hey.” Cal opened the door
and stepped inside. “Are you avoiding me?”

“No.” Billy stood by the dresser. “I was writing all day
, and I wanted to get my drink in before dinner so I didn’t have to hear Jake lecture. Want one?” He held up the bottle of Jack.

“Yeah. Thanks.” Cal folded her arms walking to him as he poured. “Quite the day
, huh?”

“Yes.” Billy handed her the glass and lifted his. “Here’s to a moment to remember.”

Cal clicked her glass against his and brought it to her lips. She pulled it away. “Where’s your Ho-Ho’s?”

“In the closet. Want one?”

“Yes. Please.”

Billy downed his shot of bourbon and set down his glass. He moved to his closet. “Why do you want one? Aren’t we having dinner
?”

“And wait until you see
what we’re having . . .” Cal noticed Billy limping and snickered. “Pig butt.”

“Isn’t that ironic.” He opened the closet and reached to the top shelf, grabbing the box of ho-ho’s
, and limped back.

“Billy
, are you all right?”

“Just a little sore.” He winked and set down the box. “If you want to say this day nipped me in the butt, you wouldn’t be exaggerating.”

“That’s what I thought was wrong. Did he get you good?”

Billy shrugged and reached for the bottle.

Cal downed her drink and put the glass on the dresser. “Let me see.”

“What?” Billy gasped, almost laughing.

“Let me see. It might be bad.”

“Cal . . .”

“Billy, come on. I won’t molest you.” She held up her hand. “I promise. Let me look at it.”

Billy glanced at her as he leaned into the dresser. He poured a small amount of Jack Daniels into the glass. “If I show you, you can’t laugh.”

“Billy, it’s me.”

“That’s why I’m saying that.”

“Yeah I know. I’ll laugh. But, let me see.”

Billy drank his drink. Unbutton and unzipped his Levis and lowered them down to his thighs.

“Nice.” Cal pointed at his American flag boxer shorts.

“Glad you approve.”

Cal moved to behind him. “Up or down?”

Billy rolled his eyes and
, still facing the dresser, he grabbed the left side of his boxers, pulling them down.

“Look how cute you’re little butt is
,” Cal snickered. “Oh shit.” She peered closer when she saw the bite mark. It was about the size of a silver dollar, distorted but round, skin punctured, and the area around it starting to bruise. “Oh, Billy. Did you see this?”

“Cal
, how would I have seen it? Is it bad?”

“It doesn’t add to your sex appeal, I can tell you.” Still staring at his injury, she reached for her glass, which Billy filled a little for her. She brought it around, sipped it
, and set the glass down. “Jake should see this.”

“Why?”

“Because he knows about this injury stuff.”

“Did you ever wonder why that is?” Billy asked. “Why does Jake know so much about treating injuries
, and what to do for them?”

“No. He’s smart.”

“You think maybe he’s not telling you something about himself? I mean, don’t you think it’s a little odd that he . . .”

“Billy
, please.” Cal gave him an odd look, shaking her head in disbelief. “They learn this stuff in Ranger school.” She moved to the door “I’ll get him.”

“Cal
, no.”

“Billy, he needs to see.”

“Cal, don’t . . .” Billy cringed when she heard Cal yell out for Jake and for him to bring his pouch. “Oh my God.”

Jake whistled as he looked at Billy’s injured rear half exposed. “Fuck, Billy.”

“Cal.” Billy looked at her. “Give me my bottle.”

Jake’s fingers touched around the injury. “You don’t need to drink anymore. Is this tender?”

Cal laughed. “Look
, Billy, he’s feeling your butt.”

“Oh my God. Cal
, my bottle.” Billy reached as Cal pulled it away. There wasn’t much else he could do since he had his pants down.

“Did you clean this?” Jake asked.

“Yes.” Billy rolled his eyes.

“I’m seeing a little infection starting.” He heard Billy whine. “There’s some puss . . .” Jake raised his eyes to Cal who snickered while she sipped from a glass. “Give me that. You two are gonna be experiment alcoholics.” He
put the glass away, then reached for the pouch, opening it and pulling out a small vial and syringe. “I have a rabies antitoxin I want to give you. The last experiment taught me to bring plenty.” He set those on the dresser, then pulled out two foil packets, laying them down too. “Here’s some antibiotic ointment. Put it on three times a day. Just because I’m giving you the vaccine doesn’t mean it will clear the infection, but applying it is a must. If you can’t reach the area, call Cal or me.”

Billy whined again watching Jake fill the syringe. “Oh God, can this be any
more embarrassing?”

“Sure it can
,” Jake said. “If you turn around and surprise me like you did to Cal hanging on that tree today.”

Billy’s eyes widened and looked
at Cal, who burst into laughter. “Cal, I’m killing you.”

“I’m sorry.” She held up her hand. “It was funny.”

Jake injected, Billy causing him to squeak in a slight scream. He tossed the syringe. “Now. For lack of a better word, that vaccine might make you . . .” Jake shifted his eyes to Cal and held back any laughter. He cleared his throat. “Stiff.”

Billy closed his eyes as he pulled up his pants
, and debated on just hiding out the rest of the night in his humiliation. But being a glutton, and listening to Cal and Jake, he joined them for their family porch dinner. He didn’t know what made him think that dinner would be any less tormenting than the rest of his day. Aside from the fact that he couldn’t sit right, and he had to deal with Rickie doing the same thing all throughout dinner, sitting across from him, holding up his fork to Billy and drastically taking a bite of his meat before laughing and saying, ‘Dude, did that bring back painful memories?’