Among Wildflowers (9 page)

Ryland had been pretty taken aback
when Macy had told him that she couldn’t drink. Suddenly, pieces about this mysterious woman were coming together. He’d known immediately when he’d met her that she was carrying a heavy burden, and now he was beginning to get a glimmer of what that burden was. He sat patiently, watching her as she decided what to say.

“You really didn’t hear anything about me before I came out here?”

He shook his head. “No. I had no idea who you were, to be honest.”

She nodded, thinking. “So, I guess I should start at the
beginning.” She rubbed her fingertips over her forehead. “I can’t believe I’m about to tell you this.”

Ryland took his coke, wrapping his fingers around the cool, damp glass, and waited quietly.

“I was actually born in Detroit and had a bit of a rough upbringing. My mother was a heavy drug user, an alcoholic, and a... prostitute.” Macy’s eyes shifted to Ryland’s for a moment before she continued. “I don’t know who my father is. As far as I know, I’ve never met him. I was taken away from my mother when I was five years old, and she died of a drug overdose a year later. My Aunt Suzy took me in. She rescued me. I didn’t really know what it was like to have a mother, and she welcomed me with open arms. Before I was born, she and my mother were estranged and hardly ever spoke, but she got word that my mother had a little girl and wanted to check on us and make sure we were okay. She said she came around a few times and often found me playing outside all alone while my mother had a ‘visitor.’” Macy winced as she recounted the story and Ryland felt a tug inside his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly.

Macy turned and smiled. “It’s okay, because Aunt Suzy gave me the most amazing life. She was so full of love and life. She was eccentric and flamboyant and always making jokes. But most of all she made me feel wanted.”

“She sounds like a wonderful woman.”

Macy smiled, tears springing into her eyes. “She was. She passed away a little over a year ago.”

“I’m so sorry.” Ryland reached across and took her hand without thinking, but to his delight she didn’t pull away or even flinch.

“Thank you. I didn’t handle it too well. I guess I’ve always had an alcohol problem, but it wasn’t until recently that it really got out of control. When Aunt Suzy died, I used alcohol to cope, and soon I was hiding little bottles of booze in my purse and drinking during work. My job started to suffer. I wasn’t handling everything like a normal person should. I was falling apart. The only person in the world who actually loved me was gone.” She shook her head, blinking away tears. “She left her house to me, but I can’t bear to actually go visit or go through her things. It’s just sitting there back in Detroit, vacant. Who knows what’s happened to it.”

“What about your boyfriend? He loves you.”

She snorted. “He doesn’t love me. He thinks he loves me, but he doesn’t. Not real love. He loves himself and he... cares about me. Long story short, I lost my head one day. I had a huge photo shoot for the magazine. Several A-list celebrities. I was drunk as shit that day and was feeling even sorrier for myself than usual. I was too drunk to be professional or do my job properly. Someone called me out on it and I flipped. I started yelling and cussing at everyone, especially this one little brat in particular. I turned over tables and chairs and knocked over some ridiculously expensive photography equipment. I grabbed a knife from the caterers and locked myself in the bathroom. I guess you can figure out what happened next.” Her eyes flitted to Ryland’s for a moment and he gave her a reassuring smile in return.

She shrugged and laughed nervously. “Next thing you know, I ended up at Tall Oaks. They told me I hadn’t learned coping skills as a kid so I didn’t know to handle Suzy’s death. I looked at her like a lifeline and when she was gone... I didn’t know what to do. Of course having a user as a parent makes me predisposed for addictive behavior. Pretty embarrassing, huh?”

“That’s not the word I would use,” he said, squeezing her hand gently. “I think you’re an incredibly strong woman to have overcome so much. It’s made you who you are today. Never be embarrassed by that.”

“I humiliated Logan,” she said with sadness in her voice. “He’s an important man, and my little stunt caused him a lot of trouble within his circles.”

Ryland bit his tongue, suddenly feeling an overwhelming need to punch whomever this guy was in his pompous face. Macy was a good woman, he could sense it. When he looked into her eyes, he wished he had the right to reach out and hold her, tell her everything was okay. But he couldn’t. He wished he could offer her some comfort, but he didn’t know what to say. Hell, he was a mess himself. He wasn’t exactly the poster boy for someone who handled loss well. Instead, he gave her a warm smile and squeezed her hand for a moment before releasing it.

“Used to be when I was stressed and needed to relax I’d take off and go hang out at this little bar off Seventh Avenue called Little Branch for a few hours. I’d tell Logan I had to work late and I would just have a few drinks and think. Now I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Well, I know you’ve heard all kinds of shit about me. That I’ve suffered my own breakdown and that I’m an alcoholic. Truth be told, I do use booze to take the edge off a little more than I should. We’ve all got our demons.”

Ryland watched Macy’s face relax, and he prayed that he had made her feel understood instead of judged.

The music stopped and the voice of the DJ came over the loudspeakers. “Alright, ladies! Grab a partner and get on the dance floor. It’s time to dance!”

Ryland thought this was the perfect opportunity to lighten the mood. He grabbed Macy’s hand and yanked her out of her seat. “Come on, pretty lady,” he said with a wink.

“What? Dance? No, I don’t dance, and I certainly don’t dance sober.”

“Well, you do tonight.”

“Ryland!” she yelled over the noise of the crowd of people, but he heard laughter in her voice. “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” came over the speakers and he pulled her against him.

“I don’t know how,” she breathed, looking up at him.

“I’ll show you how,” he whispered back. Then he flipped her around so that her back was against him. “Just like this.” He showed her where to position her feet and started moving with her.

“Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing!” she said between her giggles. “I look stupid.”

“You never look stupid, Macy,” Ryland said in her ear. “Just go with the music.”

Soon she was moving right with Ryland, laughing at herself as she occasionally tripped over her own feet, but Ryland always caught her. He held her closer than he probably needed to for this dance, but he couldn’t help himself. He was out of breath and his heart was pounding, but it wasn’t from the dancing. Being this close to Macy Ferris was making him crazy.

“That was fun!” she said breathlessly after the song finished.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’m not typically into dancing and making a spectacle of myself, but yeah, it was fun. I can see why you like it here.”

He grinned and ordered them two more cokes. “I’m glad.”

They ended up sitting at the bar and talking for two more hours. Neither of them brought up any more heavy topics. Ryland had a nagging feeling inside his chest that told him he needed to tell Macy about Isabelle, but he couldn’t seem to work up the courage to do so. It made him feel ashamed because Macy had shared something that was obviously painful and personal, and he should have had the balls to do the same... but he couldn’t.

“Well, I guess I’ve kept you out long enough. Ready to head back?”

“Sure,” she said, following him to the door.

“Damn it’s cold. Snow’s really coming down.”

Macy just grunted softly in response, pulling her jacket up around her face. The cab was soon filled with their breath and the sounds of chattering teeth. Ryland stuck the key in the ignition and turned it, putting his foot to the gas. The engine started to turn over but then stalled and died. He repeated the process and it died even quicker the second time.

“Shit,” he said under his breath.

“What?” Macy said, her teeth still chattering.

“I flooded the engine,” he said with a groan. “I can’t believe this. I’ll have to let it sit for a minute before I try again.”

Macy giggled. “What was that about how I was going to love the way this baby purred? I don’t think she’s in the mood to do much purring tonight.”

Ryland rested his left forearm on the steering wheel and turned to Macy, trying his best to look serious. “I apologize for the delay, and I sincerely hope it doesn’t inconvenience you too much. But should you like to file a formal complaint, I’d be happy to give you the phone number. It’s 1-800-Deal-With-It.” His seriousness faltered as the corners of his mouth tugged upwards.

Macy’s smile fell away and she stared quietly at Ryland for a moment, making him feel uneasy. Then, without warning, she leaned forward and kissed him tentatively, her lips soft. She pulled away, her eyelids fluttering open again. Ryland looked in her eyes for a moment before grabbing her upper arms and gently pulling her to him again, his lips desperately seeking out hers. As soon as they met, Macy threw her arms around Ryland’s neck, knocking his hat off, and slid into the driver seat with him, her knees straddling his lap. She framed his face with her delicate hands and explored his mouth with hers, her desperation taking him off-guard. He ran his hands over her hips and backside restlessly. Her hair smelled amazing, a light, fruity fragrance, and fell loosely around his face as she leaned above him. He knew he should be feeling guilty about this. He knew that a few days ago he wouldn’t have dreamt of doing something like this, but in this moment, he didn’t care about anything but the girl in his arms.

But it ended far too soon. She pulled away with a gasp, staring down at him with wide eyes before sliding back to her side of the cab.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice full of horror and regret.

Ryland wasn’t sure what to say. He raked both hands over his head, his heart pounding hard in his chest. “Me too,” he whispered back.

“We’d better get back,” she said, eyes firmly locked on the hands in her lap.

“Yeah,” he said softly, turning the key in the ignition again and letting out a sigh of relief when the engine roared to life.

Macy’s stomach was in knots
as they made the silent drive back to the ranch. She stared out the window in order to avoid looking at Ryland. She couldn’t believe she’d kissed him.
She’d kissed him.
Could her life get much worse? She was finally turning things around. She had sat through hours and hours of both one-to-one and group therapy sessions. Countless AA meetings at Tall Oaks. She’d
filled journal after journal with all of her thoughts and feelings as she exorcised her inner demons. She had made so much progress and she was finally beginning to feel like a whole person again—even
normal.
But once again she had screwed it up by making a stupid mistake. It was ridiculous of her to think she could be responsible for
once in her life.

She squeezed her eyes shut hard against the tears that were threatening to emerge. She was so incredibly frustrated with herself. She couldn’t even blame what she had just done on being drunk. In some ways that had made writing off a lot her past indiscretions easier—blaming it on the booze. Not this time. What the hell had come over her? What was she going to tell Logan? How could she ever look Ryland in the eyes again? What must he be thinking right now? She snuck a quick glance at him and found him gripping the
steering wheel tightly and staring straight at the road. He must be so disgusted by her behavior. Just like people always were, especially Logan.

Oh, God.
She was so humiliated.

Ryland pulled off the main road and down the dirt driveway and parked in the garage. Then he shut off the engine and turned to Macy. She could tell that he wanted to say something, but she wasn’t interested in hearing it. She’d heard it all many times before. She
didn’t need to stick around to listen to him telling her how
irresponsible she was or how she had embarrassed him. Unbuckling her seatbelt, she opened the door and hopped out without another word. She was desperate to get back to the cabin. Desperate to hide.

“Macy!” he called after her as she headed down the path. “Wait up.”

Macy whipped around, digging her hands in her front pockets. Words escaped her so she just simply stared at him, biting her bottom lip to keep it from trembling.

“Shouldn’t we talk about what just happened?”

Tears sprung into her eyes and she blinked them away.
God, what’s wrong with me?
She shook her head. “No, thank you.”

“Macy, talk to me.”

“Ryland... please... don’t tell my boss about this. Don’t tell anyone.” She shut her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself, just like she had learned to do at Tall Oaks. “I’m so sorry.” And with that she turned and walked briskly back the cabin, not giving Ryland a chance to speak.

She grasped the door handle and very quietly turned it, praying that Lane was already asleep. If Lane started quizzing her, she would break. Thankfully, he was snoring loudly. He had probably taken enough Nyquil to tranquilize a baby elephant and was happily snoozing away in a drug-induced slumber.

She tiptoed to her bed and slid under the covers without bothering to change her clothes. Sticking her hands beneath her
head, she stared blankly at the bunk above with a heavy heart. A reel of the events of her life began to play in her head. She thought back to being a child. She had watched strange men come and go. The day her Aunt Suzy had come to take her away had started a brand new chapter for Macy.
Aunt Suzy had shared her passions with Macy. She had taught Macy to let go and be silly. Taught Macy to laugh again. She had shared her love of painting and travel and flowers, especially wild flowers. Macy rolled over and covered her head with the blankets. Just when she had thought she was finished making stupid decisions…
Good
job, Mace.

***

“Macy Elizabeth Ferris.” Aunt Suzy’s voice came from the corner of the darkened living room where she had been waiting for Macy’s return. “It is three o’clock in the morning. Where on earth have you been?”

Macy shut the door quietly behind her. “I was just hanging out with my friends.”

“Well, I figured as much. Your curfew is eleven, Macy, eleven. We’ve been through this before. You know I hate taking away your privileges, but enough is enough. You’ve got to stop this kind of behavior.”

“What do you care?” Macy said with a sneer. “You’re not my mother. You never wanted to be my mother. You were forced to take me. Just let me live my life and stop babying me.”

Suzy gasped, putting a hand over her heart. “Don’t you ever say something like that again. Don’t you ever. You know I love you. I couldn’t love you more if I’d given birth to you myself. You are my daughter and I care about you and I worry about you.”

“Well don’t.” Macy pushed past her aunt and headed for her room.

“Have you been drinking? You reek of alcohol. Have you been doing drugs tonight, Macy? Tell me the truth.”

“It’s none of your business, Aunt Suzy.”

“Of course it’s my business,” Aunt Suzy yelled, following Macy up the stairs. “You’re only sixteen years old, Macy. What is wrong with you?”

Macy stopped in her tracks. It was so rare for Aunt Suzy to raise her voice that it caught her by surprise. “That’s how old Mama was when she had me.”

“That’s true.” Aunt Suzy took a step closer to Macy and held her arms out. “Macy, what’s bothering you? You have been thinking about your mother? You know I’m always here to talk. Nothing’s ever off-limits.”

Macy stepped back, out of her reach. Aunt Suzy let her arms drop, hurt flashing in her eyes.

“She never wanted me. Maybe you don’t either.”

“Don’t you start up with that crap again, Macy. You know that’s not true. Stop talking like that.”

Macy turned and went to her room, but Suzy caught the door before Macy could slam it shut.

“I don’t want to live here anymore, Aunt Suzy. I want my own place.”

Aunt Suzy looked devastated. “Do you even listen to yourself? How are you going to live on your own when you’re sixteen? How will you support yourself? Where are you going to live?”

Macy straightened, lifting her chin. “I have… friends.”

Suddenly, the color drained from Suzy’s face and a look of dread took its pace. “You’ve been seeing Trevor again, haven’t you?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Like hell it’s not, Macy. That man is almost thirty years old. I told you to stay away from him. He’s a pervert and he’s only using you. Tell me the truth, have you been doing drugs? Tell me, right now.”

Macy was afraid to tell Aunt Suzy the truth. As mad as she was at her aunt, she couldn’t stand to disappoint her. Not trusting her voice, she simply shrugged.

“That’s it. I’m at the end of my rope.” Aunt Suzy turned on her heel and went back down the stairs.

“What are you doing?” Macy asked, following.

“You begged me not to do it before and you swore up and down that you would never see him again, and you lied, Macy. You lied to me.”

“No, please, don’t do this. Don’t do it, Aunt Suzy. I’ll do anything, please.”

“This has gone on long enough. I’ve tied to be patient with you, but enough is enough. I’m calling the police.”

“I’ll run away then,” Macy said defiantly, crossing her arms over her chest.

Suzy took a few purposeful steps towards her, cupping Macy’s face just like she had when Macy was little.

“Now you listen to me, and you listen good. You have got to stop this reckless behavior, do you understand me? You are taking yourself down a path you know nothing about and it
will
destroy you.”

“Aunt Suzy –“

“Hush now,” Suzy said quietly. “The people you’ve chosen to surround yourself with, skipping school, drugs, alcohol, spending time with that… man… all of that shapes who you are and it will bring you down, believe me. I watched it happen to your mother. Please don’t follow in her footsteps.”

Tears began to stream down Macy’s face. “I hate you! I hate you so much!” Then she turned, racing back up the stairs to her room and slammed the door as hard as she could.

***

The sun was just coming over the horizon as Ryland walked up the steep embankment, trudging through the fresh snow that covered the ground. Taking off his hat, he opened the wooden gate and stepped into the small enclosed space sheltered by an old pine tree. Using his hat, he carefully brushed the fresh powder off the ground, clearing the area before he knelt down, head bowed.

“Hey,” he said softly. “I know it’s been a while since I’ve visited. I told you I was going to come here every day, and I haven’t done that lately. I’m sorry.” Drawing in a shaking breath he took his hand and brushed snow off the dark gray granite. “You loved this place, didn’t you? You loved it when we rode our horses down here. We’d pack a picnic and lay a blanket out under this old tree. You’d put your head in my lap and look up at the clouds while we talked.” Smiling through his tears at the memory, he ran his fingers through his hair. “You’d be wearing one of those pretty little white sundresses and be holding a little bouquet of fresh wildflowers from the meadow. Every year you couldn’t wait for spring to come, could you?” He laughed, thinking about her excitement. “You couldn’t wait for those wildflowers to start blooming. I never felt happier than I did then. You always seemed to know exactly what I was thinking without me having to say it. That was one of the things I loved most about you.”

Ryland stopped, clearing his throat. He didn’t know how to say it, even to someone who wasn’t really there. But it seemed just as hard to say it now as it would if he were telling her in person. “Isabelle, something has happened. I’ve met someone. It’s so strange. I’ve only known her for a few days, and yet I feel like we have some kind of connection. I don’t know...maybe it’s just because we’ve both lost people we love.” Biting his lip, he shook his head. “Isabelle, I swore to you that I would never love anyone again. When you left, my whole world fell apart. People kept telling me that I needed to move on.” He swallowed hard. “But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. The day you died I felt like I died, too. You were always the person I talked to about everything—anything. It didn’t matter what it was, you always took the time for me. And now... I still want to talk it out with you.” Ryland clutched his hat hard between his shaking fingers. “Damn, Isabelle. I…” He shook his head, the guilt eating him alive. “I kissed her last night. I don’t even know how it happened. I feel like I betrayed you. I betrayed your love. I betrayed… us.” He drew in another trembling breath. “I know I’m being crazy. But I can’t move on with my life unless I feel like I’ve done everything right by you. I loved you so much. I’ll always love you.”

Ryland sat down on the cold, hard ground, propping his back against the smooth stone. His forearms rested on his bent knees and his head lolled forward as hot tears began to stream down his face.

“Did you know how much I loved you?” A choking sob broke free from his chest. “Since the moment you died, half of me has been missing. You were everything to me, Isabelle. Did you know how much you meant to me? Did I tell you I loved you enough? Did I do everything a man should do for his woman? I was going to make you my wife one day, but I didn’t do it soon enough. I thought we had all the time in the world. We had the rest of our lives together. I wasn’t ready for marriage, and I’ll always regret that I wasted that time with you when we could have been wed. I’m so sorry, Isabelle.”

He wiped his face with the back of his hand, squeezing his eyes shut as he let his head fall backwards, resting on the stone. He took long, measured breaths as he worked up the courage to ask his final question.

“Baby girl, is it okay if…” He paused, afraid to say the rest. “Is it okay if I found someone new? I swore I’d never do that. I swore it to you when you were lying in that hospital bed. I told you I’d never find another girl like you again, and I haven’t. But there’s something about her.” He chuckled, tears brimming in his eyes, and shook his head. “I think she likes me. But it’s been so long since I’ve dated, I don’t really know. We just met, I know, but I can tell she’s a good woman. I’d pretty much given up on life since you left, but she’s made me feel alive again. I... like the way she makes me feel. I feel happy again. I just want to make sure it’s okay. I’ll always love you, Isabelle, and I miss you like crazy. I hope you know that.”

Ryland lay down onto his side, his shoulder and cheek pressed against the frozen ground. He let himself go and cried. He just let go.