Amphibian (21 page)

Finally, I spotted the big kid! He must have spotted me at about the same time because he was walking over to me. He had on camouflage pants, a green jacket and a camouflage bandana tied around his head. This would have made him blend in if he were in the jungle or the woods but out on the playground where everyone was wearing primary colours – even the playground equipment was red, green, blue and yellow – he stood out like a sore thumb, whatever that means.

‘Hi,' said the big kid, ‘do you have the money?'

I nodded my head and dug into my pants pocket. I pulled out the five-dollar bill and my picture of Lyle with the mean look on his face and arrows to the parts of his body for the big kid to avoid. I handed them to him.

‘What's this picture for?' he asked.

‘Well,' I said, ‘there are some places on the human body that if they're hit hard could cause damage, unconsciousness or even death. I think you should try to not hit those places on the drawing.'

The big kid looked at the drawing more closely. ‘But it looks like the only places I can hit that kid is on his arms and legs. How am I going to do that? It's not like hitting someone in certain places is easy to do – kids usually jump around when they're being hit, and where you get them depends on which way they move.'

‘Well,' I said, ‘I don't want this to be kidslaughter. If something bad happens to Lyle, I'll be in just as much trouble as you.'

The big kid looked at me kind of funny. Then he said, ‘Look, kid, I can't make any promises that I won't hit him in those places. Do you want me to do this or not?'

I thought about it for a few seconds. I looked over at Lyle, who was saying things to Justin. Justin was still at the top of the monkey bars and had his feet up high like he was scared Lyle was going to pull them. As much as I hated Lyle, I didn't think I could take the risk. So I said, ‘No, I guess I don't want it done.'

The big kid just shrugged his shoulders and handed me back the money and the picture. I was kind of relieved and disappointed at the same time, but I didn't have much of a chance to see which feeling was strongest because just then Justin screamed, ‘Get away from me, you F-er!' and moved down the monkey bars as fast as he could. When he got to the bottom and was stepping off, Lyle tripped him. Justin fell back and landed on his butt. Justin screamed, ‘F– off, you F-ing F-er,' but Lyle just stood over him laughing and laughing. Justin got up and walked away, and Lyle turned and walked over to the slide to find another victim.

The big kid had also been watching what happened and walked over to where Justin was kicking some stones. I watched to see what was going to happen even though I had a pretty good idea. I couldn't hear what was said, but it looked to me like the big kid was offering the same deal to Justin as he did to me. Even though I didn't do it, I hoped Justin would take the big kid's offer.

When I got home from school today, I was still angry with my mother from yesterday. I was also angry that I had a chance to get back at Lyle and I didn't take it.

My mother said hi from her office but I ignored her. I turned on the
TV
and watched a show about a bunch of kids who had a pet Komodo dragon. I turned the channel when they put a vest on him to keep him warm. A vest on a reptile! Reptiles are ectothermic, which means they don't make their own body heat. So how the heck is a vest supposed to help him?

I wanted to watch something that made sense. I wanted to watch the Green Channel, so I decided to go ask my mother if I could. Who knows – maybe this was the day she would come to her senses. And how would I ever know for sure if I didn't try?

I poked my head into her office. Then I went over and stood beside her as she typed. She didn't look up. I said in a really quiet voice, ‘Mom, may I watch the Green Channel?'

I said it really quietly because sometimes she doesn't really listen to me when she's working hard. If I can catch her at one of those times, she says yes to whatever I ask.

My mother's brain made sense of my words and right away because she looked up from her computer with a surprised face. Then she said, ‘Phin, I understand how this is frustrating for you, but no, you may not. You know why.'

I said, ‘Then, Mom, tell me what I should do! Tell me what I should do with my time! Tell me something I can do with my brain!'

She didn't say anything.

‘Mom, talk to me!' I yelled.

She said, ‘Phin, I'm not talking to you. I'm not talking to you while you're acting like this. You're yelling like a crazy person and next thing you know, I'll be one too.'

‘Maybe if you talked to me I wouldn't act like this!' I said in a loud voice.

My mother pulled me onto her lap. Her voice got quieter. ‘Why don't you do your homework?' she said.

‘I said I was bored, not that I wanted to be bored,' I yelled. ‘And besides, I'm not doing my stupid homework because it doesn't make any sense to write a page about what I'd do if the prime minister came to our school! That wouldn't make the day special for me! I wouldn't even put on clean underwear for it! And what can Mrs. Wardman really do to me anyway? I don't mind staying in for recess. It's better inside than outside with people like Lyle.'

‘How about a walk to the store?' said my mother. ‘I will go with you after I finish this report.'

‘Anything, but not with you! Why would I want to spend time with the very person who is making my life so miserable?' I yelled.

‘How about putting a piece of spaghetti up your nose, or in your ear?' She was trying to get me to laugh, but I wasn't going to fall for it.

‘No, nothing involving a piece of spaghetti,' I shouted.

‘We could paint your fingernails green.'

‘No, nothing that involves you,' I shouted louder. ‘And stop being annoying!'

‘How about we play a game of Worst Case Scenario?'

‘No, nothing that involves you!' I shouted again.

‘That's like cutting off your nose to spite your face. You want to hurt me, but it ends up hurting you. Are you trying to punish me?'

‘Go away.'

‘But you're sitting on my lap.'

I jumped off her lap.

‘So a game is out of the question, that's what you're telling me?'

‘What's another suggestion?'

‘It's your turn; I suggested two things.'

‘Let me watch the Green Channel?'

‘For the love of God, Phin, no! The answer is no, N – O, NO!' she screamed, forgetting she wasn't going to do that.

‘You know you make my life miserable!' I shouted. ‘I'm leaving! I'm leaving this place! I'm leaving you!'

She yelled, ‘Goodbye, then.' This made me even more mad. I stomped to the foyer and put on my shoes and my jacket. Then I left and slammed the door behind me.

I wasn't sure where to go. I looked up the road, then I looked down the road. I decided to go down since that was to the left and I'm left-handed.

I walked and walked and walked and as I did, I felt calmer and calmer and calmer. I decided to walk to my school and sit under the slide. There was nobody there, which was a relief. I walked
under and then sat down and scrunched down as far as I could to the end of the slide. I sat there and looked up at the things kids had written on the underside. I read, ‘Poop loves you' and ‘I have more brians than you.'

I sat and sat and thought and thought until I saw some feet. My mother's. She had on a pair of brown leather shoes with beige flowers on the sides. I remembered when she bought them. She liked them because they looked like happy shoes. Her feet looked happy but when I looked up, her face sure didn't.

Just before supper, my father called from Edinburgh, Scotland. I was nervous when my mother handed me the phone because I thought I might be in for it. But he didn't mention that I ran away even though I know my mother told him all about it. I'm not sure why he didn't bring it up – maybe my mother told him to wait until he sees me in person. Or maybe he doesn't think it's such a big deal like she does. After all, he ran away too.

My father told me that he's getting lots done in Scotland. He said he's there to interview some environmental activists at an international conference. One's name is Vandana Shiva. She and some other women started the tree-hugging movement in the 1970s when they were trying to stop logging in India. Dad said that because of her and the other women, environmentalists are sometimes called tree huggers.

I wondered if there were people who actually hugged trees to stop them from being cut down near where I live. I saw on the Green Channel that the five big toilet-paper makers use trees straight from ancient boreal forests, like the ones in my province. Those companies don't use much recycled paper because people want something extra-soft to wipe their butts with. But that means that bears and wolves and endangered caribou and lots and lots of birds and all sorts of other animals lose their homes.

On
TV
commercials for one type of toilet paper, they actually have a big, smiling, clumsy cartoon bear all excited about how
extra-soft the tissue is. That's like having a human just about to be shot happily showing everyone how nice and shiny the gun is. I think the people who made up that advertisement were trying to make a satire.

I wondered what it must be like for the animals who live in those forests that are being destroyed. What if someone came to your house, chopped it down and hauled it away to wipe his butt? The suffering of the animals losing their homes to toilet paper is way more than the happiness humans get from wiping their butts with soft toilet paper. I can't figure out how that makes any logical sense.

When I hung up the phone, I asked my mother if there are any tree huggers around here. I figured there must be since there are lots of trees. I heard on the radio this morning that some blue-heron nests were destroyed because a big company chopped down the trees they were in – even though the blue heron is a protected species in the province. What kind of company does that, anyway? That company is on
TV
all the time and has commercials that say, ‘Giving nature the right of way, that's my
what if
.' That would be like Lyle saying, ‘Being nice to kids, that's my
what if
.' Whatever.

My mother said the term
tree hugger
is not a very nice one, that it's used to describe people who are extreme in their actions, which means they do crazy things to stop companies from cutting down the trees. I asked her if hugging a tree to stop a man from chopping down a heron's nest is a crazy thing. She didn't say anything. Then I asked her if stopping a company from chopping down the very things that make oxygen so that everything can breathe is a crazy thing. And she didn't say anything about that either. She just kept putting forks and plates on the table for supper.

Then I asked her if somebody was going to chop down a tree that was going to be the only tree that would make enough air for her to breathe, would she hug her tree to stop it from happening? She didn't say anything. Then I said I thought every person on earth should be given a tree to protect. I told my mother that I thought it would be good if everyone was put in charge of his or
her own tree and told that it's his or her life support. No tree, no life. Then maybe tree hugging wouldn't seem so crazy. Maybe the only reason it seems crazy is because only a few people are doing it, and they're doing it so that lots and lots of people and animals can survive. Maybe the really crazy thing is that the tree huggers actually CARE! I was being sarcastic. I screamed the word
care
. And that made my mother say something – but not the something I wanted her to say.

She said, ‘Phin, you are treading on very thin ice right now. So let's eat our supper, okay?'

She said it in a really quiet voice, like she was telling a secret or something. This is something she does with her voice when my voice is louder than normal. That makes me sound even louder than I would sound ordinarily. This makes me angry and makes my voice go even louder because I figure she already thinks I'm crazy so I may as well act really, really crazy. What's the point of acting normal when someone thinks you're crazy? If they think you're crazy, you may as well act crazy. It's way easier.

When I got mad, I didn't remember the tricks Dr. Barrett showed me and even if I had, I wouldn't have used them. I shouted, ‘Mom, do you hear me? Am I in space or something where there isn't air to make sound? Can you hear my voice?'

My mother yelled, ‘Phin! Cut it out! NOW!' When she screamed the word
now
, spit flew from her mouth. If she were a spitting spider, I would have been trapped in a web of glue and she would have eaten me.

Her yelling made me feel better, though, because that was at least the right kind of voice to use for something so important. I wanted her to be upset because I was upset. She should be upset! So at least I won that much.

After supper when my mother was talking to someone on the phone, I looked up
tree hugger
on Google. There were 5,920,000 hits. I figured there must be a lot of them out there somewhere. I imagined them with their arms locked around their trees, holding on. Holding on good and tight.

Then I got out my Reull stories and drawings. I drew a picture of a big scale. On one side were the lives of thousands of animals (but I only drew five animals that live in the forest) and on the other side I drew a picture of a human sitting on the toilet (but you couldn't tell he didn't have his pants on) with a roll of toilet paper in his hand. In my picture the weight of the animals was a lot less than the weight of the man on the toilet. Definitely a satire.

I've decided I'm not going to learn anything more at school. I decided this for three different reasons. One is that school is giving me the wrong answers. For example, I got a right answer wrong on my last social-studies test. The question was ‘Before humans knew of Mount Everest, what was the tallest mountain?' I answered Mount Everest. Mrs. Wardman said that was wrong and that the answer is Mount Kangchenjunga. That's just plain wrong.