An Evening with Johnners (11 page)

‘No, I had one,’ he said, ‘but I didn’t like to tell you in case it wasn’t good enough.’

So I said, ‘What was it?’

‘Well,’ said the dentist, ‘an old lady came to have her teeth filled recently and I got the drill up to her mouth but had to withdraw it quickly. I said, “Excuse me, madam. Do you realise your right hand is gripping me in a very painful place?”

‘And she said, “Yes, we’re not going to hurt each other, are we?”’

F
inally, someone who did tell me a good story once was the Archbishop of York. I had interviewed him when we did York Minster and I was in his palace at Bishopthorpe, when he said, ‘Let’s have a glass of sherry and I’ll tell you a story.’

Marvellous, I thought, from an Archbishop.

‘Well,’ he said, ‘you remember when Our Lord and Moses were negotiating about the Commandments?
They went up on to Mount Sinai for seven days and seven nights, working out the Commandments. On the eighth morning, Moses came down the side of the mountain and he said, “Gather round, multitudes, gather round. I’ve got two bits of news about the Commandments. One good, one bad.”

‘They said, “Let’s have the good news first, Moses.”

‘“Right,” he said, “the good news is, we’ve got them down to ten,” and there was loud applause.

‘“What about the bad news?” they said.

‘“Oh,” said Moses, “the bad news is that adultery is still in!”’

I
must tell you one thing that happened. We were going to Brinsworth House in Twickenham, which is where all the old actors and variety artists go in their old age. It is a marvellous place and that is what the Royal Variety Performance is always in aid of. We were going to spend the whole day there and we arrived, going through Richmond, at about ten o’clock.

There was a policeman standing at the crossroads and I said, ‘Can you show me the way to Brinsworth House?’

He said, ‘Certainly, sir. Go up there, first right, second left, take the right fork, go across the traffic lights and it’s up there about two hundred yards on your right.’

‘Thank you very much,’ I said and, believe it or not, I remembered all that and we got there. We did the programme and finished about four o’clock and came back. When we came through Richmond, the same policeman – I hope he’d had lunch – was standing at the same place. I just couldn’t resist it. I wound down my window and said, ‘Officer, did you say first left or second left?’

N
ow, we always asked people for bits of music, which were then slotted in between the interviews, which was why the programme had to be recorded. You couldn’t do it live, because people always had whatever music they wanted, and we couldn’t carry a thousand records around with us. The producer had to go back and find the records at the BBC and then slot them in.

The interviewees took great pride in what they chose and they always answered very quickly, except for one man, Richard Booth, who was in Hay-on-Wye. If you’ve never been there, it’s on the Herefordshire/Welsh border and it is a book town. Richard started six second-hand bookshops and there are millions of books on any subject you want – bridge, gardening – he has about five hundred books on every topic.

So he was a bit eccentric. He lived in a ruined castle and declared UDI on behalf of Hay-on-Wye and sent out
ambassadors to places. He was a bit dotty! Anyhow, I interviewed him about his books and then asked him for a piece of music. Unfortunately, he caught my eye and got the giggles and took rather a long time to get out what he wanted. Like this:

Brian:
‘Right, Richard, now we want a piece of music. I don’t know what your taste is in that direction?’

Richard:
‘I would like … er, “Golden Years” …’ [
starts to giggle
]

Brian:
‘Right, Richard, now we want a piece of music from you. I don’t know what your taste is in that direction?’

Richard
[
laughs
]: ‘I don’t know …!’

Brian:
‘Right, Richard, now we want a piece of music from you. I don’t know what your taste is in that direction?’

Richard
[
splutters
]: ‘Erm …’

Brian
[
now he’s got the giggles too
]: ‘Don’t look at me!’

Richard and Brian are both helpless with laughter.

Brian
[
starting again
]: ‘Right, Richard, now we want a piece of music from you. What’s your taste in that direction?’

Richard:
‘I would like … [
laughs
] … Can I have … [
more
 
laughter
] … Can I … [
high-pitched giggles
] … Can I have “Golden Years” … [
hysterical laughter
] … Can I have “Golden Years” or anything by David Bowie.’

Well, there you are. He got it out in the end.

A
nd that is the end of the first half. In the second half, if I may, I would like to talk about a game called cricket.

I’m going to refresh myself and I suggest you do too. See you again in about twenty minutes.

Thank you very much.

INTERVAL

W
hile the theatre audience enjoys a quick drink in the bar, we have the chance for a brief interlude with the
Test Match Special
team. Here, as reported exclusively in
Private Eye,
is part of the radio commentary from the legendary Test match between England and Australia at Headingley in 1981:

Henry Blofeld:
‘And we welcome listeners to the World Service with the news that the BBC is about to close it down. Meanwhile here at Headingley the position is that the Australians need only seventy runs to win with nine wickets left. Literally a hopeless task for England, Trevor?’

Trevor Bailey:
‘Oh yes, there’s absolutely no way that England can win this game now. It’s a foregone conclusion. Australia have got it in the bag.’

Fred Trueman:
‘I’ll go along with t’that, Trevor – and what’s more, I’ve never seen a worse performance by an England team in all the years I’ve been associated with the game of cricket, and that’s saying something. Wouldn’t you agree, Brian?’

Brian Johnston:
‘Yes, it’s a very sad end to a very disappointing game. As a matter of fact, during the lunch interval I ran into Charlie Badcock, who was over here with Bill Woodfull’s team in 1934, and old Badders agreed that it was the most disappointing game of cricket he’d ever seen. [
Sound of loud clapping from crowd
] On a lighter
note, I’d just like to thank a listener in Pershore, Mrs Elsie Salamander – it is “Salamander”, isn’t it Fred? I can’t make it out.’

Trueman:
‘Looks like “Sellotape” to me.’

Johnners:
‘That would be a funny name for someone [
laughter
]. But anyway, we’d all like to thank the good lady in Pershore for sending us a sample of some really excellent shortcake which she’s baked for the Royal Wedding and she’s been kind enough to send us a tin of it.’

Bailey:
‘I played for the Inscrutables once at Pershore. Lovely little town.’

Johnners:
‘My wife and I drove through Pershore once on the way to Malvern. I was speaking at the College Speech Day. First-class lunch they gave us, I remember. We bought a dog there.’

Trueman:
‘Did I ever tell what our dog did when t’vicar came to tea?’

Blofeld
[
laughing nervously
]: ‘Yes, you did, Fred, and I don’t think it’s entirely suitable for World Service listeners.’

Bailey
[
munching
]: ‘Well, I must say that this shortbread is very, very good indeed.’

Johnners:
‘And a very handsome tin it’s come in. It looks to me like an old Jubilee tin of some sort. Isn’t that George V?’

Trueman:
‘And I bet it’d fetch a few bob, a tin like that. People will buy any old rubbish these days.’

Blofeld:
‘Still, Fred, whatever you say about the tin, I think you have to agree that the shortcake is absolutely first-class.’

Johnners:
‘By the way, should one say shortcake or shortbread?’

Trueman:
‘Up our way, we wouldn’t call it t’neither. We call it Parky Loaf, but it comes much thicker than this.’

Johnners:
‘Well, that’s something for our listeners to write to us about.’

[
Thunderous applause from crowd, giving way to deafening cheers, singing, etc.
]

Voice in background:
‘Mumble, mumble …’

Johnners:
‘Hang on a minute, Fred, Bill Frindall is trying to tell us something.’  

Frindall
[
for it is he
]: ‘I’m sorry to interrupt, Brian, but I just wanted to point out that England have won by eighteen runs.’

Johnners:
‘Thank you, Bill, for that interesting bit of statistical information. Fred, any comment?’

Trueman:
‘Well, all I can say is that that was one of the most fantastic bloody pieces of shortcake I’ve ever eaten in my whole life.’

Bailey:
‘Quite. In fact it’s what I’ve been saying all along …’

[
contd. 94kHz]