An Unyielding Desire (After The End Book 2) (18 page)

*****

“Why haven’t you said it again?” asked Shane, playing with her hair that night in bed.

Mina turned her head to look at him. “Said what?”

“That you love me? I’ve said it a few times now, and you never say it back.” He sounded unconcerned, but there was vulnerability in his eyes.

Dammit, she had hoped this would never come up, and the thought of telling him the truth when he was looking at her like that made her feel like she was kicking a puppy.
“I shouldn’t have said it the first time.”

He frowned. “What? You’re taking it back?”

Mina bit her lip. “Not exactly. It’s just, you caught me at a moment when I was tired and weak. You said it, and I automatically repeated it.”

Shane’s brows furrowed. “So instead of taking it back, you’re saying you lied the first time?”

Sighing, she turned on her side to face him. “I didn’t lie. It’s just sort of second nature. Someone says they love you, and you tell them the same.”

He snorted. “That’s a bunch of bull.”

Mina shrugged. “That’s what happened.” She tensed when his expression tightened, fully expecting him to hurt her. He frowned when she flinched as he lifted his hand.

Moving slowly, Shane stroked her cheek. “I’m not going to hit you.” He leaned closer, cupping her chin to bring her mouth up toward his. “I don’t believe you though.”

Her eyes widened. “What don’t you believe?”

“That you don’t love me. You might not want to, but you do.” He kissed her lightly. “I don’t deserve it, but I know you do.”

“You’re so good at deluding yourself,” she whispered before he kissed her again.

He chuckled. “Baby girl, you’re the one laboring under self-delusions. You prevaricate, unable to decide if you want to run or stay. One moment, you’re ready to kick me out of your bed, and the next, your thighs squeeze around me, and your sweet little pussy clings to me as you come, my name on your lips. You can’t decide what you want, or what you should want, leaving us in limbo.”

Mina gave him a fierce frown. “I know what I want.”

“Okay, what?”

“I want this to be over. If you walked out and never came back to my room, I’d be fine with that.”

Shane arched a brow. “Really?”

Mina nodded, trying not to show a hint of uncertainty. What was wrong with her? That was what she wanted. Right? “Look, if you were really different, it might change things. As it stands, I don’t know how much you’ve changed, and how much is just rewarding all the ways I give in to your demands. I’m still afraid of what you might do to me and my family if I don’t give you what you want. How can I really love you when I’m scared of you?”

He looked upset. Shane sat up, pushing his hand through his overgrown black locks. “Yeah, okay.”

“Okay, what?”

“I can do this.” He turned to look at her. “You tell me to leave, and I will. I’ll leave your room and the farm, if that’s what you want.
If you let me stay, I’ll step back and let you have the freedom to make your own choices without any threats or pressure.”

Mina couldn’t hide her skepticism. “You say that now.”

He sighed. “It’s true. I don’t want you to feel like you have no choice but to be with me. I won’t come to you until the new year. By then, you should have time to decide what you want. If you tell me to go away then, I will. No questions asked and no repercussions.”

“Well, okay.” That was almost two weeks away. Mina didn’t know if she could really find a way to extricate herself from the situation by then. She didn’t know if she could find a way to get through to Shane by that time, to make him believe she really didn’t love him and didn’t want to keep welcoming him to her bed.

“Just promise me you won’t be considering someone else to take my place in those two weeks.” He balled his hands into fists. “I think I deserve your full attention, since your decision affects my future.”

She frowned. “Who would I consider?” Though she knew what he would say before he uttered it.

“Coop. I won’t take it well if I find out you’ve been sneaking around with him when you’re supposed to be figuring out how you feel about me.”

She shivered at the note of anger underlying his words, which made his assurance that he would accept her ultimate decision shaky. It seemed obvious that Shane wanted to try to do the decent thing, and he wanted to feel like she was with him by choice, but if she told him no—when she told him no—how was he really going to react? She shivered a bit as fear sent tingles up her spine.

*****

The first three days, Mina waited on tenterhooks for Shane to go back on his promise and come to her room. He didn’t, and he also kept his hands to himself in public and even in private the few times they ran into each other
over the next week. She was daring to hope he had been sincere.

It also left her wondering if he’d changed. Could someone change that much, especially in just four months? Did Shane really love her, and if so, had that somehow influenced him to overcome a lifetime of habits and behaviors? It didn’t seem plausible, but she didn’t know.

During the day, she rehearsed multiple ways of telling him she hadn’t changed her mind, mentally going through his likely responses. She hoped for a calm, reasonable acceptance, but feared a nuclear reaction.

At night, things got a bit more complicated. Lying alone in her bed, which had seemed so cramped with him there, was lonely. She seemed to have acres of space and still ended up curling into the position she’d gotten used to when he was sleeping beside her.

It was physical. It had to be. Shane was a drug. She was simply craving the highs, though she hadn’t let herself forget the low points. Wanting him was like wanting a dangerous substance. It might make you feel good for a bit, but was hazardous in the long run. In the light of day, her weakness sickened her, knowing she wanted anything to do with her rapist. At night, it was harder to pretend her body didn’t miss the attention and the regular sexual release.

He had twisted her into a demented slave. Fuck.

Mina was in the barn, where they had set up an old-fashioned laundry system, complete with a ringer and scrub board. Her hands ached from the strong soap and the scrubbing motion, and she cursed Kelly. She was supposed to be Mina’s partner today, but hadn’t bothered to show up.

She was surprised when Coop walked in. Her body immediately flared to life, helping her distinguish the difference between her tepid desire for Shane and her white-hot need for the man standing near her. “Hello,” she said cautiously. They hadn’t spoken since that day in her room three weeks ago.

He inclined his head. “Kelly asked me to fill in for her, but she didn’t mention who her partner was.” His displeasure was obvious, and he made no attempt to hide it.

Mina lifted a shoulder. “I can handle it myself.” It would take all damn day to work through the huge stack of laundry, but she could do it rather than subject Coop to her presence.

He sighed. “Nah, it’s fine. Gotta get over it sometime, huh?”

She kept her mouth shut, moving to the side to allow him easy access to the ringer. He started feeding through a T-shirt, and she returned to scrubbing.

“So, no kid?” he asked abruptly.

Mina shook her head. “No.”

He looked relieved. “I guess Shane and I both dodged a bullet there.”

She winced. “You don’t have to be so mean.”

The garment in the ringer looked like it might emerge with holes due to his rough handling. “That’s kind compared to how I feel like being.”

“I’m sorry about that. I panicked. The idea of being tied to Shane with a baby freaked me out.” She gnawed her lip. “At the time, it seemed like a logical choice to…”

“’Introduce another element to the equation,’” he quoted sardonically. “Yeah, I got that.” Several minutes passed in silence before he spoke again. “Let me ask you something? Does Shane know how you really feel about him? ‘Cause the last couple of times you’ve mentioned him, you sound like you hate him.”

“I don’t hate him, but I don’t want to be with him either.” Mina gasped when a hay bale hit the ground. She looked up with sick eyes to see Shane standing on the ladder
leading to the hayloft, looking devastated. God, he’d heard it all. Darkness descended over his expression, and she could practically see him grasping that she had slept with Coop at least once as it sank into his brain.

“Fuck,” said Coop, looking disheartened. “I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know you were there.”

“Leave,” said Shane, not looking at Coop.

Coop hesitated. “Why don’t you come down, and we’ll talk it out?”

Shane slid down the ladder in a move she’d only seen on television. He turned to Coop. “I don’t want to talk to you. It sounds like you aren’t the lying, cheating cunt in this relationship, Coop.”

Coop shrugged. “Yeah, I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I should have told you…”

Shane gave him a cold look. “We’ll deal with that later. Right now, I want to be alone with Mina.”

Mina grasped Coop’s arm. “Please don’t leave me alone with him.
He’ll hurt me.”

Coop shrugged her off. “I already told you I don’t buy into that crap, Mina. Shane wouldn’t
harm you.” He spun on his heel and strode from the barn, not looking back.

Mina stood frozen to the spot as Shane approached. She held up her hands in front of her face, surprised when he stopped a few feet away. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Really? For what? For fucking around with my friend? Are you sorry you aren’t pregnant by him? Are you fucking sorry you let me believe you were considering our future when you knew all along you didn’t want me?”

“I tried to tell you,” she whispered.

“I’m pretty fucking sure you didn’t, Mina. You never once said you had slept with Coop to cast paternity doubts. You sure as fuck never told me you were cheating on me.”

“I told you several times that I didn’t want a relationship with you.”
She held out her trembling hand. “I don’t know how to make you listen. The tiniest part of me cares for you. I have missed having you in my bed sometimes, but it’s all on a superficial level.” Mina scrubbed at her face as tears flooded her eyes. “It all comes back to not being able to trust you, Shane.”

He grunted loudly, suddenly moving close enough to jerk her into his arms. “And I can’t trust you. Dammit, Mina, I loved you.”

Her heart cracked a bit when he used the past tense, mainly because she feared what he would let himself do if he was over his love for her. Without that motivator to control him… Taking a deep breath, she put a hand on his forearm, hoping to keep him calm. “I tried to be what you wanted, Shane, but you never gave me a choice. I just can’t spend the rest of my life with someone I don’t love, especially because I’m too afraid to say no.”

“Then you shouldn’t have said you loved me. You bitch.”

His fist connected with the side of her head before she even knew it was coming. Mina reeled back, knocking into the bucket of soap and water. The mixture splashed out on her feet and legs, but she was too consumed with the pain in her head to focus on the unexpected hot bath. “Please.”

“Please,” he mocked. “T
ell me the truth, Mina. Did you ever love me?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe a little, but not the way you want.”

In seconds, he had her pinned to the wall of the barn. “What I want is you. Fuck all the business of letting you decide. You’re mine.”

“You promised not to do this again,” she said weakly, as he gripped her throat in a tight hold.

“And you promised not to be with Coop. You promised to think about us. You promised you loved me.” He didn’t give her a chance to refute the last statement, tightening his grip and shaking her slightly. “I guess we both lied.”

Mina gasped when he tore the front of her shirt to reveal her bra. His hand w
as hard and painful as he dipped inside the cups to pinch her nipples in a punishing manner. She tried to pry his hand away, and he smacked the back of her head against the wooden wall. The world spun, and though she wasn’t completely unconscious, she was subdued. As he jerked at her jeans, lowering them to her thighs with one hand, the other still pinning her to the wall, she beat ineffectually at his shoulders, earning another backhand to the face.

He definitely wasn’t pulling anymore punches. Blood rushed from her nose, and the taste of copper filled her mouth. She cried out when he forced himself inside her a minute later, his face pressed close to hers.

“Here’s what’s going to happen, baby girl. We’re going back to the way it was. You’re going to marry me and be the wife I deserve. You have a hell of a debt to work off, having fucked Coop, and you’re going to spend a long time doing that. The first thing you’re going to do is give me a baby.” He squeezed her throat when she shook her head. “So help me, I will bury your entire family beside Ben if you so much as utter a peep of protest. If I say the sky is green, I want you on your knees agreeing with me.”

Mina whimpered, trying to pull his hands free. “Hurting me,” she rasped.

“This is just a taste of what you’re going to get if you contradict me. You will do what I say when I say it. Do you understand me?”