An-Ya and Her Diary (17 page)

Dear Penny,

Daddy and I spent the day going back and forth to the hospital. We brought Wanna clean clothes and clean underwear for Ellie. Wanna gave us a list of things to bring to the hospital so that she could continue to stay with Ellie. There is an extra little bed in Ellie’s room that Wanna can sleep in. Wanna also wanted her toothbrush and her makeup case.

Most of the time, there were doctors or nurses coming in and out of Ellie’s room. I spent a lot of time in the waiting room.

Sometimes I was alone in the waiting room, and sometimes other people would come in and sit in the blue chairs.

Nobody ever laughed in the waiting room. People didn’t do much talking at all. Some people looked down at the floor. Some pretended to watch the TV. Some people looked at one another. Many of the people looked like they were going to cry. Some of the people did cry.

I kept myself busy by making up stories in my head about the people in the waiting room.

Daddy walked in and out of the waiting room all day long. When it was dinner time, he told me it was time for us to go home for the night. He said that I could go into Ellie’s room and say goodnight to Ellie and Wanna.

I told Daddy that I would rather just go home and see them tomorrow.

175

Dear Penny,

It is morning and I am still feeling tired.

Last night Daddy stopped on the way home from the hospital and bought us cheeseburgers and french fries.

I didn’t think that I wanted to eat, but once I smelled the food in the bag, I realized that I was very hungry.

I ate all my food in the car before we even made it home.

After I took Angel Bones out to the bathroom and fed her, and said good night to Daddy, I put on Wanna’s robe and lay in my bed. I thought that I would fall asleep right away. I felt tired on the inside and outside. But I couldn’t fall asleep.

I was still hungry. I remembered my bottle in the kitchen and went downstairs to fill it with milk.

Walking on the stairs scared me. I felt like I was stepping on Ellie’s body with every step that I took.

I went into the kitchen and searched for my bottle. It was a long time since I last used it. I couldn’t find my bottle, but I found one of Ellie’s. I warmed up the milk in the microwave and poured it into her bottle.

I was about to go back to my room when Daddy came into the kitchen. He was wearing red plaid pajamas that I never saw him wear before and holding a glass of wine. He asked me if I was ok.

I said—

Yes. I am getting some milk.

He looked at the bottle and looked at me.

He said—

Is that Ellie’s?

I said—

Yes.

He said—

Come and sit with me in the living room and we can watch my favorite show together.

I didn’t know if I should take Ellie’s bottle with me or not. But Daddy said—

Don’t forget Ellie’s bottle.

So I picked up the bottle and we went into the living room and we sat on the sofa together. Daddy was watching a TV show about fixing up old houses.

I wasn’t sure about drinking from the bottle in front of Daddy. My stomach was making strange noises, and I decided I would drink from the bottle and not worry about what Daddy thought about it.

As I began to drink my milk, Daddy asked me to sit closer to him so that we could talk about things.

He put his arm around me, and my head leaned against his heart.

His pajamas were fuzzy and his voice was soft like wind blowing through the willow leaves.

He said—

Are you ok An-Ya?

I said—

I don’t know.

He said—

What are you afraid of?

I said—

That Ellie won’t ever be able come home.

Then Daddy started to tell me that Ellie will definitely come home. He said that Ellie needed to have a small hole cut in her head because when she bumped her head on the stairs, the inside started bleeding. But he said the bleeding was stopped now, and the extra blood was taken out through the little hole they made.

He told me that because her head bumped into the stairs, it got a little swollen inside too. He said the doctors made a hole inside Ellie’s head to help the doctors see inside and know when the swelling gets better.

Daddy said that is why Ellie is getting extra help breathing. When the swelling in her brain goes down, then she will start to breathe again on her own.

I drank my milk from Ellie’s bottle and listened to Daddy talk, and then he was finished. He stopped talking and watched his show, and I tried to watch too. But I was too tired to watch. So I closed my eyes and listened.

I must have stopped listening to the show because the last thing that I remember hearing is Daddy’s heart beating softly in my ear.

176

Dear Penny,

You won’t believe what happened today. I was finishing getting dressed to go to the hospital when I heard someone knocking on the door. Angel Bones started barking. I threw on a blue sweater and went to the front door.

Guess who was standing there?

It was Jazz, Lex, and Levi.

When I opened the door, they all started to talk at once and told me how sad they were to hear about Ellie’s accident. I wasn’t sure how they heard about it, but somehow they did.

Jazz handed me big warm lasagna. She told me that her mother made it for us since she knew we must be busy with trips to the hospital.

Lex gave me flowers for Ellie, and Levi gave me flowers for me. Plus, Levi gave me a letter.

I stood there with all of their gifts piled in my arms and said—

Thank you.

Daddy yelled out from the living room—

Is everything ok An-Ya? Are you ready to go?

I yelled back—

Yes. I will be ready in a minute.

Jazz, Lex, and Levi all said to tell Ellie that they were praying for her and that they hoped she felt better soon.

I said I would tell her when I got to the hospital.

They each gave me a hug, and I stood very still since my arms were full and I would have died if I dropped their gifts. Levi’s hug was the strongest.

After they left, I put the lasagna in the fridge. I thought we could heat it back up later tonight.

I didn’t know where to find a vase for the flowers. I found a plastic beach bucket and stuck them in it and added some water. The bucket still had a little sand in it, but I didn’t think it would hurt the flowers.

I folded up Levi’s letter and put it in my pocket and went to find Daddy.

I was ready to see Ellie.

177

Dear Penny,

On the way to the hospital, I told Daddy about the lasagna and the flowers. He said that was very nice of my friends and how nice it will be to have something good to eat tonight.

Daddy said that Ellie was in a special room right now and he didn’t know if we could bring the flowers yet. I wasn’t sure what he meant, but I didn’t ask anymore questions.

When we arrived at the hospital, I went to the waiting room and it was empty. I sat in my corner and waited for Daddy to check and see if it was ok for me to go in and visit Ellie.

I thought about reading Levi’s letter, but every time I went to get it out of my pocket, I stopped.

After a few minutes, Daddy came to get me and told me we could visit Ellie. He said that Wanna was taking a nap, so I needed to be extra quiet.

I peeked into Ellie’s room and saw that she was sitting up and her eyes were open.

178

Dear Penny,

When Ellie saw me today, she smiled. The tube in her mouth was gone. She picked up her little hand and tried to wave, but I think she was still too tired.

Wanna was sleeping on a little bed on the other side of the room. Daddy pushed a small chair up to Ellie’s bed and told me to sit down. He said that he was going to talk to the nurses and try to find Ellie’s doctor.

I sat on the small chair next to Ellie, and she moved her hand toward me like she wanted me to hold it. I was worried about taking her hand because there was a needle taped to the top of it. Plus, the skin around the needle was purple and black.

So instead I put my hand down on the bed and she placed her hand on top of mine.

Ellie’s eyelids were tired. She stared at me, and then her eyelids would close for a minute, and then she would open her eyes and stare at me again.

When she spoke, I could barely hear her, but it was clear what she said. She said—

An-Ya sing?

I looked at her and said—

Do you want me to sing to you, Ellie?

She squeezed my hand as a way to answer yes.

I thought about what I needed to do. I didn’t catch her when she fell down the stairs. I knew I needed to do what she asked me to do now. But I felt worried that I would try and nothing would come out. Plus, the machines in the room beeped a lot, and I didn’t know if I could concentrate.

So I said—

I will try Ellie, but it might not be very good.

She squeezed my hand again to tell me that it was ok.

The only song I could think of to sing was the ‘Fly Away’ song. I listened to it many times on Wanna’s music player, and I knew the words in my head.

When I started singing, the first words came out like I was talking. Then I closed my eyes and kept going. By the time I reached the middle of the song, it began to come out of me the way that I wanted it to. I didn’t hear any of the machines. It was like they stopped making noises to let me sing.

Finally, I sang the last words—

For you are a sweet child with bright sunny eyes,

A gem of the earth as you soar through the sky.

Fly away, fly away, fly away.

And slowly I opened my eyes. Ellie was smiling at me and squeezed my hand. She whispered—

An-Ya, pretty song.

Then it felt like there were other eyes looking at me. I turned to see Daddy standing in the doorway and smiling. He was looking toward the other side of the room. I turned the other way where Daddy was looking. Wanna was lying in her small bed, but her eyes were open and she was smiling too.

Then a nurse, who was short but her belly was big, came into the room and asked me if I could move my chair. She said she needed to take a closer look at Ellie.

The nurse said to me—

If you could scoot a bit out of the way dear? I want to make sure your sweet little sister is doing as perfect as we think she is doing!

I stood up and walked past Daddy, out of Ellie’s room, and went back to the waiting room.

179

Dear Penny,

On the car ride home from the hospital, I asked Daddy why Ellie’s hand was purple and black. He said that her hand was bruised from the poking needles, but that once the needles weren’t in her hand anymore that her skin would heal.

It was dark in the car except for the other car lights that shined inside our car as they passed by.

Usually Daddy listened to the car radio, but it wasn’t turned on tonight.

Daddy said—

Ellie should be moved to a regular room in the hospital tomorrow.

I said—

Ok.

He said—

That means that she can have flowers in her room.

I said—

Ok. I will bring her the flowers tomorrow.

Daddy was quiet after that.

I asked—

How long will it take for the hole in Ellie’s head to grow back?

He said—

I don’t know. I haven’t asked the doctors that exact question. Maybe your mother knows.

There was silence after that until Daddy said—

An-Ya, your singing voice is beautiful.

I said—

Do you think the bones in her head will grow all the way back to the same as before?

Daddy said—

I don’t know, An-Ya. I hope so.

180

Dear Penny,

Sitka came over for dinner and she was carrying a bag. Daddy called her parents earlier and asked them if Sitka could sleep over again. He didn’t ask me first. He told me that he thought it would be good for me to have company while Wanna and Ellie were at the hospital. I wanted to tell him that I would rather be alone and curl up with Angel Bones. But I didn’t say anything.

We ate Jazz’s lasagna. It smelled very good, but I wasn’t hungry and ate a small piece. Sitka ate two big pieces and said it was the best lasagna she ever tasted.

Daddy helped me find a big vase to put Lex and Levi’s flowers in until I could take them to the hospital tomorrow. I want to give Ellie all the flowers because she needs them more than I do right now. Sitka talked a lot about how beautiful the flowers were and how nice it was that Lex and Levi gave them to us.

181

Dear Penny,

Sitka is asleep in my bed. We talked some before she fell asleep.

First, as we were changing into our pajamas, I remembered Levi’s letter in my pocket. I don’t know how I could have forgotten about it. I pulled it out and stared at the envelope. Sitka saw me and asked me what it was. When I told her it was a letter from Levi, she started clapping in the same way that Ellie claps when she is excited.

I told Sitka that Levi gave it to me this morning but I forgot I had it. Sitka seemed surprised that I would forget something so big. She asked me if I was going to open it. I said I didn’t know and finished putting my pajamas on.

Sitka and I got into my bed and pulled my blue covers against our chins. I still held Levi’s letter in my hand. Sitka said—

I think you need to read it.

I said—

What if it says something bad?

Sitka told me that I was being crazy. She said that Levi wouldn’t come over and give me flowers and also give me a letter that said something awful.

I wanted to wait until I was alone to read it, but I couldn’t wait.

I sat up and tore open the envelope. Sitka sat up with me. We read the letter out loud together. My lamp on the table next to Sitka shined on the letter. It said—