Anne Douglas (15 page)

‘There he is, Dad. There’s Neil.’

‘I see him,’ whispered George. ‘What do we do now? There’s no one about but they might be locking up soon.’

‘Do they ever lock up?’

‘Aye, I’m sure. There’s stuff to steal.’

Lindy took a step towards Neil who, if he’d seen them, made no attempt to speak.

‘I think he’s looking better,’ said Lindy. ‘I’m going to speak to him. Wait here, Dad.’

‘I should be the one –’

‘No, let me do this.’

Closer to the silent figure, Lindy changed her mind. Neil wasn’t looking better. True, he’d lost the wildness that had so frightened her earlier, but it had been replaced by a desolation she’d never seen in any face before, and was to her just as worrying. Taking a deep breath, dredging up courage, she moved to sit beside him.

‘Hello, Neil. It’s Lindy.’

‘Think I’ve lost my eyesight?’ He turned to look at her. ‘I know who you are. Point is, what are you doing here?’

‘I came to find you, with my dad. We want you to come home. Your ma’s worried.’

He looked down at his hands folded in his lap. ‘Ma’s got no need to be worried.’

‘We were all worried, Neil. We didn’t know where you were – what you might do –’

‘Why, what did you think I’d do?’ He looked up. ‘Finish it all? Give up on life? Jump off the bridge?’

‘We didn’t know – you were so upset. I’d never seen you so upset –’

‘I’m upset, all right, but I’m no’ taking a header into the Cowgate.’ He shook his head. ‘Looked down, though, looked down for a long time.’

‘Neil, you didn’t!’

‘I did, I looked. I thought, suppose it’s what they all think, the folk who go over – that’s it, that’s the way to be free. Free of pain, eh? Free of the ball and chain.’

‘Ball and chain?’

‘Aye, the ball and chain she’s fastened round me. I’ll no’ say her name, I’ll never say her name, but you know who I’m talking about.’

Neil’s eyes, in the shadows, were dark pools dead of all emotion; the more Lindy looked into them, the less close she felt to reaching him. No longer a crazy man, he was still a stranger. The man who’d been her friend, her special friend, had left her. Moved away, where she could not follow.

‘They say folk get over love,’ she said hesitantly. ‘If it’s no’ returned. That’s what they say.’

‘I know what they say.’

‘If you could believe it –’

‘I’ll never believe it. It’s too much to ask. Because I really thought she loved me.’

‘I know,’ sighed Lindy.

‘Well, she must have known I thought that – women always know. But she never let on because she was just playing. I was different, eh? No’ like her other guys, so I guess she was fascinated. All the time I was thinking she felt the same as me, she was just . . . playing. And that’s what hurt, Lindy, that’s what’ll always hurt. She humiliated me.’

‘No, Neil, she didn’t!’ Lindy cried. ‘I was like you – I thought she must’ve known you were serious, too, but she says she didn’t know and I believe her. She says it came as something out of the blue and now she feels so terrible—’

‘Terrible?’ Neil leaped to his feet. ‘She feels terrible? That’s a laugh, eh? Pity I don’t feel like laughing. Look, tell your dad to take you home. You’ve found me, I’m no’ going to do something daft, so there’s no need to talk any more. Just tell Ma, though, will you, that I’m OK? It’d be good if you could do that.’

‘But aren’t you coming home, Neil? They’ll be locking the church soon.’

‘I’m never going home, Lindy. Never going back to number nineteen.’ Neil had begun to walk away, towards George further up the aisle. ‘I’m going to book in somewhere tonight, a bed and breakfast place, and tomorrow I’ll find somewhere to live.’

‘What are you talking about?’ cried Lindy, running after him. ‘You have to go home, your ma’s waiting – everybody’s waiting—’

‘Think I want to see ’em? See ’em all laughing at my crazy ideas? Who did I think I was, then, trying for Miss Rosemary?’ Neil looked back, his face dark with anger. ‘I’ll get on better away.’

‘But what about your ma? She’ll be wanting to see you.’

‘I’ll go back after I’ve settled in. I’ll explain and I’ll see she’s no’ missing my money. I’ll still give her something to make up for leaving.’

‘That’s good, Neil, that’s good.’ Lindy touched his arm. ‘But what about me? Is this goodbye for us?’

‘Thought that was what you wanted, anyway. And you’ve got your new fellow, isn’t that so? I bet you’re seeing him already, eh?’

Lindy made no answer. What could she say? Unshed tears were gathering in her eyes. She felt suddenly so weary she could have dropped down where she was and shut out the world. Except for her dad, waiting so patiently, and Rod, elsewhere, who might be waiting, too. Well, if he was waiting for a true end to her attachment to Neil, it had come. She’d seen it tonight – an ending that was not the first, but more definite than the first and harder to take. Yet it was time to take it and she would. The special friendship that had once meant so much no longer had any place in her life.

‘Hello, Mr Gillan,’ she heard Neil manage to say politely. ‘Thanks for coming, but there was no need.’

‘Just wanted to help,’ George answered. ‘Can we do anything?’

‘Neil’s going to find a place to stay tonight, Dad,’ Lindy said quickly. ‘He doesn’t want to go back to number nineteen.’

‘Is that right? Oh, well, maybe we’ll see you tomorrow, Neil?’

‘Sometime, anyway, Mr Gillan.’

‘We’ll go, Dad,’ said Lindy. ‘Neil will be going off to find his place.’

They left the church together, then paused to say goodnight. Or, rather, goodbye.

As a street light showed his ravaged face, Neil’s empty gaze found Lindy’s but did not linger. Soon, he had turned and was walking away.

‘Don’t forget to see Ma,’ he called back.

‘I won’t,’ said Lindy. She put her arm in her father’s. ‘Let’s go home, Dad.’

‘Aye, let’s,’ said George.

The buzz of excitement that gripped number nineteen after Neil’s departure lasted for some days. Nothing so dramatic had happened since one tenant had chased another down the stairs with a knife, but that was years ago and had not involved anyone as grand as Miss Rosemary, or a fellow like Mr Neil Shakespeare, who thought himself so superior to everyone and had taken such a toss.

‘Pride goes before a fall,’ folk said wisely. ‘Serves him right,’ said others. ‘Getting involved with the quality, eh?’

But then there was Vi, his poor mother, who’d taken the whole affair very badly and whose eyes seemed permanently red, while even his brothers seemed subdued and his father, Arthur, would fire up if anyone even dared to speak of what had happened.

So much sympathy came their way. It had seemed to some that the person who’d got off best and perhaps without reason was Miss Rosemary herself and, gradually, the tenants’ viewpoint had begun to change. It came to be seen that Neil needed sympathy, too, having probably been led on by a society girl who should have known better. Stood to reason, eh? Would he ever have fallen in love with her if she hadn’t let him? Showed what happened when somebody like her came into lives like theirs. Maybe it was time for her to go?

Jemima, of course, was furious over what was said of Rosemary. ‘The very idea!’ she cried to Lindy. ‘Blaming Miss Rosemary for leading Neil on! As though a lady like her would ever do that!’

‘I’m sure ladies do that sort of thing all the time,’ Lindy answered. ‘I don’t believe Rosemary did, but Neil somehow got the idea that she loved him and when she said she didn’t he just couldn’t take it.’

‘But that’s his fault, no’ hers,’ argued Jemima. ‘Of course, I’m very sorry for him, but I’m sorry for Miss Rosemary, too. She’s been so upset, she scarcely puts her nose out of her flat – she’s really miserable.’

‘Hasn’t found a job yet, then?’

Jemima put her finger to her lips. ‘It’s still a secret, Lindy, but she has got an iron in the fire, as they say. If anything comes of it she’ll be on her way.’

Just as well, thought Lindy, then Neil might be able to visit his family without worrying, or even return to live at number nineteen. Somehow she didn’t think that that was likely. At least she was free herself to look forward to meeting Rod again, which was to be for a meal the following evening, something they’d arranged practically under Myra’s nose in the shop but had her blessing, anyway.

Not much used to eating out, except for fish suppers, Lindy was charmed by the little café Rod had chosen in Frederick Street and, when they’d been shown to a table, enjoyed looking around, while Rod was happy looking at her.

So full of colour in her green dress, her face flushed with excitement, her eyes sparkling, it seemed to him that she lit up the whole room, and certainly he was not the only one looking at her. It was only when he said she must tell him what had been happening at number nineteen that her light seemed to dim, her face lost its glow and she looked down at her plate.

‘You were very mysterious in the shop, saying there’d been trouble but not what it was,’ he went on, alert to the change in her. ‘But if you don’t want to talk about it, I’ll understand. Shall we order first, anyway?’

‘Oh, yes, let’s do that,’ Lindy agreed, seeming glad of the reprieve, but when the waitress had taken their order for a beef dish she raised her eyes to Rod and seemed ready to speak. ‘Thing is, it’s someone else’s trouble, really, and I feel bad talking about it. But you’re you, and I do want to tell you. I suppose you’ll have guessed, anyway, that the person in trouble is Neil.’

‘Neil? This is something to do with the new tenant you told me about?’

‘Yes, it’s everything to do with her, with Rosemary. He was so sure she felt the same as he did that when he finally got round to telling her he loved her and she said she didn’t he just went to pieces.’

Remembering her scene with him, Lindy’s voice cracked a little. ‘Rod, I’d never seen him the way he was then. I’d just come in from our lovely day last Sunday when he came hurtling down the stairs like a madman, like someone I didn’t know at all. And when he told me she’d turned him down I was so afraid because I could tell he couldn’t deal with it and I didn’t know what he’d do. When he ran out into the street I wanted to follow him, but he was nowhere.’

‘Poor girl,’ Rod whispered, touching her hand. ‘What an ordeal!’

‘For him, for him.’

‘Yes, for him, too. So, what happened? Did he come back?’

‘No.’ Lindy told of how she and her father had eventually found him in a church, of how he’d been calmer, but was so bitter about Rosemary he wouldn’t even speak her name and had decided not to return to number nineteen. Seemingly, he was now living in some bedsit, away from his family and everyone he knew.

‘Poor devil,’ Rod murmured. ‘You’re right, he’s put himself through hell. But, there, it’s no good saying he shouldn’t have loved her – you don’t get any choice over love.’

Lindy, gazing at his thoughtful face, wanted to question him, but at that moment the waitress brought their beef and she waited a while. Only when they had finished and were studying menus again for the sweet course did she venture to ask the question in her mind. ‘Rod, mind if I ask – did you – I mean, have you ever – felt like Neil yourself?’

He gave a reassuring smile. ‘Me? No, thank God, I just know how it takes some people. Nearly always people like Neil – highly strung, nervy . . . poets, maybe. Isn’t that how he is? A writer, anyway. Or, would-be writer.’

‘Yes, that’s how Neil is. He’s always been like that – different from other folk. I didn’t think you’d have had his sort of feelings, Rod – it was just your sympathy showing through again, eh?’

‘Well, I did go out with one or two girls when I was younger but there was never anything serious, never any question of great love or anything.’ Rod looked closely into Lindy’s eyes. ‘How about you? Was there ever anyone for you, apart from Neil?’

‘No, because I never wanted anything serious, either. Neil and me – we were happy to be just friends.’ Her lower lip trembling, Lindy said quietly, ‘Now that’s all gone – he’s gone from my life altogether.’

Rod sat back, sighing deeply. ‘Is that true, Lindy?’

‘It’s true.’

‘Are you ready yet, then, to think about me? I still don’t want – you know – to press you. It’s for you to say.’

She was silent for a moment, during which he studied the way her dark lashes shielded her lowered eyes, and waited. He knew he would read her answer in those fine eyes of hers when she finally looked up, and was trying not to let himself be too hopeful. Couldn’t help taking confidence, though, from the way she’d seemed to want to talk to him that evening. ‘You’re you’, she’d said, hadn’t she, as though he was someone special? Was he, though? Suddenly her eyes were raised. She was looking at him at last.

‘Rod,’ she said quietly, ‘I think of you already. There’s no need to press me.’

‘Really?’ He put his hand to his brow, laughing a little. ‘Do you mean it, Lindy? You’re not still . . . getting over things? Hell, I mean, getting over Neil. Why don’t I say his name?’

‘I just said – he’s out of my life altogether.’

‘I know, but even so you might not be free of him for some time. Time is what it takes, they say.’

‘I know, but things have changed for me, Rod. They changed when I saw him after Rosemary had turned him down. I stopped feeling – well, what I used to feel – and was just so sorry. So sorry for him. As though you might feel sorry for a stranger who was hurt.’ Her eyes, still resting on Rod with mesmerizing effect, were full of the sadness she’d been trying to describe. ‘Does that make sense?’ she asked, at which he took her hand with a firm, strong grasp.

‘Lindy, it does. It makes all the sense in the world. Don’t you see – it means you’re free. Free to move on. With me, if you want, but free, anyway.’

‘Free,’ she was echoing, when the waitress reappeared.

‘Made up your minds?’ she asked brightly.

‘Minds?’ Rod repeated.

‘About your sweet course, sir. There’s apple tart, treacle tart, trifle or ice cream with choice of sauce.’ She sighed. ‘Or do you just want cheese and biscuits?’

‘Treacle tart, please. Lindy, how about you?’