Anxious Love (Love Sick #1) (20 page)

She stopped there longer. Surveying each direction as if contemplating the best route.

I reached out and touched her arm. She pulled away and looked up at me. I stepped back, and the pained look in her eyes made me want to turn away from her, but when she reached back and took my hand, fuck if that didn't hurt worse.

She tugged me to her side, lacing her fingers with mine.

She turned left on Chartres and continued.

The streets were pretty empty, but if anyone did see us, they would think we were a happy couple taking a late-night stroll in the French Quarter.

In reality, we were both in our own worlds. Leah's world pulled her so far inside herself visitors were rarely welcomed. In my mind, I imagined what she was going through, but scared to think on it too long for fear of what I might find.

When we neared her street corner, Sophie joined us from the opposite direction. At Dumaine, Sophie stopped. Leah looked in her direction but made no sign she recognized her.

It wasn't until Sophie called her name did she tear her eyes from the sidewalk with a start.

The sound of her name brought silent tears to her eyes. She dropped my hand and grabbed Sophie's. It wasn't about me, but the rejection hurt all the same.

"Hey, sweetie. You had a big day. Partying on Bourbon Street," Sophie said as she guided Leah toward their building.

When we reached the door, Leah punched in the numbers, and the door opened. Leah walked in; Sophie followed her. I held the door open but wasn't sure I was welcome in.

Whatever Leah was going through, Sophie had seen it before. She would take care of her. Their month-long disagreement was now a thing of the past.

At the stop of the first landing, Leah turned back and frowned.

Sophie turned to me and then back to Leah. "You want Ryan to come up?"

Leah nodded and continued up the stairs and disappeared around the corner.

"What the fuck, Sophie?" I whispered.

"Let's get her to bed and then we can talk."

As I entered her apartment, Leah stood in the middle of the room and took off her clothes. She continued to shake uncontrollably, but she had a sheen of sweat all over her body. I studied her and shook my head as my cock stirred with her standing there in a tank top and panties.

Sophie handed her a bottle of water and opened her hand.

"Are these the right ones?"

Leah didn't answer; she just took whatever was in her Sophie's outstretched hand and downed it with the entire bottle of water. When she finished, she shuddered, and her lids dropped.

She walked toward her bedroom, and Sophie followed.

Leah looked over Sophie's shoulder at me and my heart sank.

"I'm okay. Just please don't leave me, okay?" Leah asked.

I nodded my head, not sure what she was asking. Did she mean tonight or forever?

"Say it," she said.

"I won't leave," I said but wasn't sure I meant it.

She gave a satisfactory nod and crawled into bed. She pulled Sophie's arm and whispered something in her ear.

Sophie nodded, set another bottle of water on her nightstand, turned off the lamp and the overhead light, and shut the door, closing me off from my Leah.

It felt like the start of forever.

"Sophie."

"Shh." Sophie placed her finger to her lip. She grabbed my arm and pulled me out onto the balcony. I breathed in the humid air before turning toward Sophie. She did the same.

"I can't tell you everything." Sophie looked out across the buildings. "So please don't ask me. She said she will tell you everything as soon as this passes."

"What is this exactly?"

"She has an anxiety disorder being around people."

"I know that. I've seen her get uncomfortable, but this was totally different."

"What you see is her being uncomfortable; you have no idea what she had to go through to maintain what you and I think is normal. It's painful and exhausting, and at any moment, she knows she might go over the edge, and if it gets to that point, there isn't anything we can do about it." Sophie placed a hand on my arm.

It felt weird, so I shrugged it off.

"Why was she on Bourbon Street?"

"I have family in town. We were out at Cat's Meow, and she called me from across the street. She was fine. She seemed fine. We were talking, and I was about to head home with her, but I just wanted her to meet my family. As we were heading to the bar, she stopped. I tried to pull her along and then some asshole stepped between us and got in my face about bullying women. Leah's face went dark, and she started shivering. I tried to get to her, but that guy was pushing me back. I was about to deck him when Leah... came back. I don't know how else to describe it. She told the guy she was fine and came and got me and pulled me back across the street."

"Oh, wow. That's good," Sophie said and nodded.

"How is that good?" It was fucked up and I was clueless.

"It means she is getting better at dealing with it. If she showed some signs of not letting it take her under, she is getting stronger." The smile on Sophie's face showed actual wonderment, but I couldn’t match her enthusiasm. It didn't sound good. None of this sounded good.

"What did you just give her?" I asked.

"Clonazepam."

My eyes narrowed.

"It's like a heavy dose of Valium. It will knock her out until her system can kind of reset."

"Why did this happen tonight?"

"Well, as you can imagine, she doesn't spend a lot of time partying on Bourbon Street."

"She came to see me."

"With you, she seems to be taking more chances than she normally would. It’s probably because she wants to be normal for you."

"She said that to me before. She just wants to be normal." I scratched my neck and took a seat. "Have you seen this before?"

"A few months after I moved in, I threw a party. I was in my place when a couple of guys came running in and said a girl had passed out on the landing upstairs. I called the ambulance and rode with her to the hospital. They were asking me all kind of questions, but besides her name, I didn't know a thing about her.

"She woke up in the hospital the next day, and she told me about her disorder and what happened to her in college—" Sophie held up her hand. "And before you ask, I'm not going to tell you. That's her truth to tell."

"Is this about her roommate killing herself?" I asked.

Sophie looked back at me, her eyes narrowed. "She told you about that."

"Yeah, that's all she told me, though." I stood up. I knew there was more to it. "I mean. That's awful, but that wasn't what tonight was about. She left herself, and I saw it in her eyes. I mean what was it? Was she raped? Did her last boyfriend beat her up? "

"Ryan, listen. Don't make yourself crazy trying to guess. She'll tell you. Just let her do it her own way." Sophie turned toward me and grabbed my hand.

"Once she does tell you, please do me a favor. If you can't handle it, then leave her alone."

I wrenched my hand away and stared down at her.

"I'm serious. She can deal with you being a disappointment, but she can't take watching you being disappointed in her."

I sat back down and hid my face in my hands. Sophie reached out, squeezed my hands, and walked back inside.

She checked on Leah and then headed to the door. "She will probably be out of it and asleep for a while but don't leave her alone tonight, okay."

I nodded but didn't look up.

I sat on the balcony a long time listening to the sounds of New Orleans. My whole body felt heavy. Like the weight of the last couple of hours had pushed me down into the earth, gravity working overtime.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I missed two calls and a couple of texted from my cousins. I texted Brady to let him know I wasn't abducted. We have a great time at dinner and I told them all about Leah. They were jacked to hang out. I hate disappointing them.

The word disappointment rang over and over in my head. I knew about disappointment from both sides.

My life had been a series of disappointments dampening all the good things I had in my life.

I was touted early as a standout athlete but was always disappointed I never knew my father, and he couldn't see what I could do.

I was disappointed in my mother for keeping his identity from me and telling me he was a screw-up. I was disappointed that I never got the opportunity to form an opinion about him myself.

I got drafted and was disappointed my mother died before she could see I wasn't like my dad. Even though being a professional athlete and dedicating my life to the pursuit disappointed her.

After going through some of her stuff, I found a journal she wrote in about the time I was born. She wrote about my father.

How he cheated on her and was a first-grade asshole to her. I got the feeling he was a professional athlete as well, but she never said what sport or what level.

It was the only explanation for why my future ambitions disappointed her so much.

I walked back into Leah's apartment. I turned off the lights and collapsed on the couch. I laid my head back and closed my eyes. I dozed off but was yanked out of sleep by the sound of Leah's voice.

"Ryan." Her fingers ran over my hands clasped over my chest. She had knelt down next to me; her eyes caught the reflection from the street lamp outside. She looked like her old self. She was my Leah.

"You okay?"

"Can you hold me, please?" A tinge of desperation entered her tone, but she smiled. I opened my arms, and she crawled on me. She laid her head on my chest, and her body sunk into mine.

I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tight. She exhaled.

I waited a few minutes before speaking, and it was too much time; she had drifted back to sleep. Her breath was calm and steady. Her heart beat an even rhythm against my chest. I ran a hand under the T-shirt, and her skin was warm under my touch.

She clung to me in her sleep as if I was the only thing keeping her tied to the world.

I held in the sob threatening to escape because I wasn't sure if I could do what Sophie had asked.

Last night, in my dreams, I sought out Ryan. This morning, I woke up in his arms. I wished I could forget what happened between.

I normally had an episode, and only through therapy and dreams would I figure out what happened. Last night was different.

I am different.

I slid off him, careful not to wake him, and kneeled on the floor next to the couch. His large frame fit perfect on my oversized couch. I watched him sleep, his face peaceful. A stark contrast to the worried scowl he wore last night. I’d seen that scowl before. It happened when he was deeply concerned or worried.

It was that look. Like doom and gloom were around the corner.

While anyone else looking at the events of last night would think I had regressed, I took it as a victory.

I had been taking more chances than usual since being with Ryan. I knew that, but I also knew that being with him gave me a sense of empowerment I hadn't felt since before it happened.

I drew on his strength and his determination to handle anything.

He inspired me every moment of every day. I wanted to tell him.

Every episode was an opportunity for growth.

Real therapy talk.

I powered on my computer and opened my journal.

The thing that struck me about last night was my reaction when Ryan was threatened. While I had no doubt Ryan would have dropped the guy if given the chance, I knew if I allowed it to happen, Ryan would get in trouble. I couldn't live with him getting hurt because of me.

His hands curled into a fist, and his body twitched and recoiled back and tensed. Despite my anxiety, despite the chasm my body fell in, I clung to the sides long enough to defuse the situation.

That extra jolt of whatever it was—confidence, desperation, survival—knocked me to the bottom of the hole with all its force, but when I looked up this time, the hole didn't appear as deep as before.

That was it. That was the sign I was healing, and it gave me an amazing amount of clarity about my life and about my future.

I looked over at him, and he had woken up. He lay in the same position, staring at me.