Anywhere But Here (4 page)

“You haven’t?” he challenged.

“No, I have.” It was one of my father’s favorites. His worn copy was on the bookshelf in my bedroom at home. “But, I think Justin and Sarah are doing that one.” They were at table ten and I heard it mentioned a moment ago.

“Fine, then I’ve got one.
The Delta of Venus
by Anais Nin. I already have several scenes in mind we could act out.”

I frowned. “I don’t know that one.” The author name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t attach it to any work.

“Look it up when you get home. Let me know what you think tomorrow.” He began gathering up his things, and a moment later the bell rang, ushering everyone to their next period. For me that was lunch. For Jeremy it was fourth period biology. Wherever Nash was headed to next, he wasn’t anxious to stick around this class. He was the first one out the door. Jeremy waited for me to gather my things, and then I walked with him to his next class.

“Was Nash a total dick to you?”

“No. He was fine. I really think you need to let this thing with him go. He only screws with you because he knows how much it gets to you.”

“Yeah, whatever. Just be careful. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to mess with you to get to me. He pulls any shit or won’t do the work, tell Ms. Renner. If you ask, she’ll probably let you work alone.”

“It’ll be fine.” We were outside his class and he bent down and placed a quick kiss on my lips. “Sucks we couldn’t have lunch together.”

“Yeah, but I’ll see you fifth period in gym.”

“See you.” He disappeared inside the class and I went to see who else of my friends had landed in first lunch since both Jeremy and my best friend Cammie had second. I noticed Nash hanging around outside the cafeteria with his small group of friends. I bypassed them without a second glance.

It was only fitting that when fifth period came around and I walked out of the girls’ locker room, Nash was standing in the middle of the gym with one of them. As far as I knew, Derek was his best friend and one of the few people in this school he hung out with. I suspected that was completely by choice. Nash had everything it took to rule this school. He was tall, good looking and athletic, but he opted out of every single popularity contest, despite the coaches trying to recruit him for pretty much every sport our school had. I’d once heard Jeremy whining to Matt and Josh that he didn’t get why all the coaches wanted him so bad, but I guess Nash had played in middle school, and even then had been impressive. I believed it, looking at him now, dressed down in athletic shorts, a white tee stretched across his broad chest that tapered down to a trim waist. He might not play sports, but whatever he did to stay fit was working. I suspected the only thing that kept him from being the most popular guy in school, was himself. He didn’t seem to care about anything, and had no interest in being liked by anyone except the female half of the student body, and even then he didn’t seem all that concerned with actually being liked. For the most part he kept to his very small group of friends and enjoyed stirring up trouble. There were all sorts of rumors that went around about him.

He caught me staring and instantly I looked away, going to stand nowhere near him while I waited for Jeremy to come out of the locker room.

Mr. Kilroy took it easy on us for the first day, going over the rules before making us do a few laps around the basketball court and then letting us split into teams for a game of indoor flag football. The guys were always way too intense, and with Jeremy and his friends on one team and Nash and Derek on the other, the competition heated up quickly. The few of us girls mostly stayed out of the way except when Kilroy was watching to see who was participating. I was glad when class was over and even more grateful when the day was over.

I was wiped after cheer practice and turned down Jeremy’s invitation to have dinner with his family in favor of going home, throwing on some yoga pants and getting a head start on the English and History reading. I made a quick stop by the library and asked if they had a copy of the book Nash had recommended. One of the librarians retrieved it and checked it out to me. I was hungry and they were minutes from closing so I tossed it in my bag without another glance and headed home.

My mom was checked out in the living room, staring mindlessly at the TV, a bottle of wine half gone beside her. She didn’t even bother to ask how the first day of my last year of high school was. She could hardly be bothered to look up when I walked through to the kitchen. It was nothing new. I couldn’t remember the last real conversation we’d had. The only time she seemed to actually show an interest was when she felt I wasn’t living up to the standards of this family, or she needed me to put on my fake face and attend some stupid charity function with her. That’s what our relationship consisted of. Behind closed doors it was long bouts of silence, followed by lectures and disappointment that turned to more silence. But out there, we were the image of class and sophistication and the biggest lie of all, happy.

I found everything I needed in the fridge to make myself a chicken salad and then took it up to my room, where I started pulling books and notebooks from my backpack.

The English project outline fell to the floor along with the library book. I snatched them up and took a closer look at the book. The cover featured a dark haired woman, well her back anyway. Some kind of toga or sheet draped her shoulders. I flipped it open to the first chapter, something about a Hungarian adventurer.

I didn’t make it ten pages before I slammed the book closed and tossed it on my bed, my cheeks flushed and my heart thudding a little quicker.

Then I noticed the faint word that I had somehow missed before at the top of the book in tiny, almost unnoticeable script.

Erotica.

Asshole,
I thought.

Shae

April 29

Present . . .

“Then I think we can both agree there’s no sense in dragging the past back up.”

“That’s fine with me,” he bristled. “I wasn’t looking to rehash old arguments. I just thought we could put it behind us and–”

“And what? Be friends?” I laughed bitterly. “You and I both know friends was the one thing we never could do very well.”

“Things change. We’ve both changed. We can be adults about this. I’d like to hear how you’ve been. You’re living in New York?” He really wanted to do this.

“Trust me, Nash, you don’t want to hear about the last seven years of my life, and I’m not interested in being friends. In a few days, I’ll be back in New York and this little blast from the past will be just another bad memory.”

His face hardened. “I never would have believed if I wasn’t seeing it with my own eyes, but you really are an ice cold bitch.” He stole my move and shoved past me, grabbing a leather jacket from a hook inside the door and pushed his way outside.

I stood in the middle of the shop, aware that eyes were on me. When I glanced at Laurel, the name I now knew went with the blue hair, she regarded me carefully.

“You knew him a long time ago. Whatever happened back then, he’s a good guy,” she said tightly and then turned her attention to the computer screen, a clear dismissal after my perceived unfair treatment of her boss.

I didn’t respond. I had no doubt the guy she knew and the one I remembered were not the same, but it didn’t change the fact that when I looked at him, all I could see was the face that wrecked my whole world. It was better for both of us if I kept my word and headed back to New York at the first opportunity before we caused any more damage.

Despite what he thought, I wasn’t ice. If anything, I felt too much. That had always been my weakness. He used to know it. At least, I’d wanted to believe he knew me better than anyone, but he proved he didn’t really know me at all. I hated him for what happened, the betrayal I still felt, but I couldn’t shut off the part of me that understood there were things back then that were out of his control. Life hadn’t dealt him an easy hand. Life had dealt him a shit hand and he’d made of it what he could, and I got caught in the fallout of his choices. More than he even knew.

There was nothing for me to say to this blue-haired girl, judging me for what she thought she knew, and there was no reason for me to still be standing here. Even the name of this place brought memories to the surface I didn’t want to think about.

Bulletproof.

You just gotta make your heart bulletproof, Shae.

That bad hand life dealt him, well it was really bad. Not the kind of life anyone should have to live, but especially not a teenager. The way he got through it, and the way he told me to deal with my mom when things got bad, was to make my heart bulletproof. Put up walls and don’t let ‘em in, don’t let ‘em get to you. If you don’t care, they can’t hurt you. That was his way of dealing. The problem with shutting everyone out though, is even when you find someone you want to let in, you forget how. It’s a lot easier to put the walls up than it is to tear them down.

I shook my head, clearing away the memory like an etch-a-sketch. Only it wasn’t that simple. I needed to leave. Two steps had me almost to the door, but another voice from my past stopped me.

“Hold up a second, Shae.” When I turned back, Derek was watching me, and when he saw that he had my attention, he held up a finger indicating he wanted me to wait, and then he went about bandaging the finished leg piece on his client and going through after care instructions.

The other artist was still intently focused on her human canvas, but I had no doubt her ears had been just as tuned in to my drama as Laurel’s, but she chose to keep her nose out of it. Derek, it seemed, was opting to butt in. I didn’t know what he wanted to say, and I wouldn’t have waited around to find out, except that a part of me felt like I owed it to him to at least listen. Derek was Nash’s best friend long before I met them, but Derek had been my friend too. He’d been kind and when things went to hell, he was on my side.

He settled up with his client and then walked over. “I can do your tat. If you want.”

Not quite what I’d expected. “I don’t know. I think I should just go.”

He scraped a hand over his dark hair, cut much shorter than he used to keep it. “Look, I’m sure there are a million questions you’re dying to ask, but you’ll never ask him. So ask me instead.”

“Why?”

“Come on, Shae. It’s been a long time. Just humor me. I doubt he’ll be back tonight so you got nothing to worry about, and I’ll give you the friends’ discount for old times’ sake.”

At my hesitation, he pressed. “You want the ink right? I’m giving you a good discount, and you’re not going to find a better shop around here. We’re the best, and this is probably you’re only shot at Nash being out of the shop.”

“I see you’re as cocky as ever.” Without thinking about it, I gave his shoulder a friendly shove and then realized what I’d done. I drew my hand back awkwardly and shifted uncomfortably on my feet, but Derek simply grinned at the familiar contact.

“Some things never change even when the rest of the world gets turned upside down.”

“Whatever. The tattoo shouldn’t take long, so if you’ve got something to say, I hope you can get it out fast.”

“Alright,” his grin spread. “Follow me back to my work station.”

“Uh, actually, we’re going to need to go back there.” I pointed to the station with the privacy curtain.

Derek blew out a nervous sigh, “I suppose I should have asked where you wanted the tat before I offered.”

“Just on my back, but I’m going to need to take my shirt off. I trust you’ll be professional.” I cocked one brow.

“Of course, but that’s not going to make shit difference when Nash hears I had you in there. He’s going to kill me.”

I rolled my eyes and walked past the female artist, catching her observing us out of the corner of her eye while she dabbed at her client’s piece, blotting a bit of blood. “I doubt he’ll care one way or the other,” I threw over my shoulder, only to be halted when Derek put his hands on my shoulders, spinning me a fraction so I was facing the back wall dead on, and then he ushered me closer until I was directly in front of the angel painting.

“Trust me. He’s going to care.”

I tried to turn my head, protest ready on my tongue, but Derek clasped his hands on either side of my head and forced my gaze forward. “Before you try to tell me again that he won’t care if I’m within ten feet of you topless, look closer.”

I was looking, but I wasn’t seeing whatever he– holy fuck.

He didn’t.

I looked closer, zeroing in on a very specific marking, and then widened my gaze to take in the whole painting objectively.

He did.

How did I miss it earlier?

“Why?” I wasn’t sure if I asked the question out loud or just in my head until Derek answered.

“Do you really have to ask?”

I spun around. “I’m asking, aren’t I?”

“Then you don’t know as much about what happened as you think you do.”

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter now.” Another lie. Because it did matter, but it couldn’t. No going back and no sense trying. “Can we just get this over with?”

He stepped back, allowing me to pass, and then followed me over to the work station.

I was nervous as I explained to Derek what I wanted, and when he asked to see where it was going, I hesitated, wanting to back out.

“I can leave while you take your shirt off. I won’t look at anything, I swear.” He thought my nerves were due to having to expose my body to him. That’s not what I was afraid of him seeing, but I’d come this far. There was always a chance he wouldn’t notice. If he did, I had to trust he would keep his mouth shut. Before I could change my mind, I turned my back to him and drew my shirt over my head.

“Whew,” he let out an impressed whistle as I exposed my back to him, holding my shirt in front of me to cover my chest even though I was still wearing my bra, which would have to come off once he started working. “That’s incredible work,” he commented and then his breath caught, and I knew what he was seeing.

“Wait, is that supposed to be–”

“Yes, now can you please just get to work?” I’d had a lot of ink done over the past few years, the majority on my upper body, and the biggest piece by far was my back. It took several sessions to complete, but it turns out it wasn’t quite complete. There was room for more.

A large oak tree ran the length of my left side from just above the swell of my backside up to the curve of my shoulder, shadowing a field of yellow daisies and dandelions that stretched to meet the cloudy sky, a very specific shade of blue. I’d made sure the artist got it just right. I knew though, that it wasn’t the color Derek was picking up on. It was everything else.

The design was pulled from a place that really existed. A place that I’d once believed was as close to Heaven as I would get here on this earth. The sun shone from over my right shoulder, bright rays of light bursting through the clouds. Two pretty, little birds flew toward that bright light, away from the shadow of the tree.

“Will it fit?” I asked, hoping what I wanted wouldn’t be any trouble to add.

“Yeah. I can do it, no problem, but can I ask you the same question you asked me a few minutes ago? Why?”

I shrugged, whispering “It was always a safe place for me.” Even now, it remained untainted by all the ugly. In my head, it was still a beautiful sanctuary that offered escape for my mind when life was too much.

I sat and waited while he did the work up, and then he brought it back to me. “Is that what you had in mind, coming off one of the branches?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect.”

I got into position and for the next forty-five minutes, I retreated, closing my eyes, focusing on my breathing and not feeling while he prepped the spot and then went to work.

Unfortunately I couldn’t tune him out when he started talking. “I get why you don’t want to be friends, but you could at least sit down with the guy, have coffee and let him ease his guilt a bit, Shae. It would be good for you too, I think. You can go back to New York with a bit more closure.”

“You’re wasting your breath Derek. I can’t do it.”

He didn’t push anymore after that and the only sound that filled the space was the off and on hum of the needle and the inaudible murmurs of the girls.

“Derek, can I ask you something?” It’d been on my mind since earlier.

“Shoot.”

“Why does he go by Crash now?”

He let out a laugh. “He doesn’t. He hates it. It’s just a little nickname he picked up a while back. Mostly just the girls and a few regulars use it.”

“It’s an unusual nickname,” I prodded.

“Not for a guy who spends more time in the ER than the nurses, and spends more money repairing his bike than most people spend on vehicles in a lifetime.”

“He wrecks a lot? Then why does he keep riding?”

“He’ll never stop,” he laughed dryly.

“What? Has he got some kind of death wish?”

No response came and when his hand pulled away from my back, I craned my head over my shoulder. “Does he?”

“I wouldn’t say it’s a death wish, but sometimes I think the only time he feels alive anymore is when he’s pushing the limits, doing something stupid and reckless.”

I sighed and let my head fall forward again. “He’s always been reckless.”

“This is different Shae. I know you don’t want to hear it, but after you left, I think maybe he did have a death wish, and the first time he wrecked his bike, he almost got what he wanted. He pulled himself together and he’s got a good thing going for him here, but he hasn’t been whole in a long time.”

It seemed only fair. Neither had I. I didn’t say that aloud though. I didn’t say anything. Kellen was a big boy. If he wanted to make stupid choices, well they were his choices to make. I sure as hell wasn’t going to feel guilty. What reason did I have to feel guilty? None.

Damn Derek.

“You said he pulled himself together? So he’s doing better now?”

“Yeah. He is, but sometimes I think something inside of him shut down. I don’t know, but shit back then messed with him bad and most days I think he’s still trying to deal.”

I knew all about that. Didn’t matter how long ago it was, the effects were long lasting and far reaching.

Derek was almost finished when I heard someone come into the shop. It only took a moment to realize Kellen was back. I tensed and Derek felt it. “Almost done. I’ll have you out of here in no time. Just relax.”

“Who’s he got back there?” Kellen’s voice was loud enough to reach us clearly.

This time it was Derek who tensed, the needle stilling momentarily.

“What the fuck!” Now Kellen sounded more than a little pissed.

“Told you he wouldn’t like it,” Derek murmured.

“Just shut up and finish,” I breathed as heavy footsteps thudded this way. “Kellen Nash I swear to Jesus, Joseph and Mary that if you pull back that curtain, I will stab you with Derek’s needle.”