Anywhere But Here (22 page)

“Be careful, I don’t want to have to come in after you if you get sucked out to sea.”

When she turned this time to face me fully, a slight smile actually quirked her lips. “If you’re so worried, then just come out here.”

“Right, so my body can be the one that washes out to sea,” I teased and her grin grew wider.

“I wouldn’t let you drown.”

My own grin spread, not because the heaviness of a few minutes ago seemed to be passing, or that seeing her smile was about a million times better than seeing her cry, or even that playful Shae had always made me smile. I grinned, because while she was watching me, she wasn’t watching the ocean, and turning your back on something wild and unpredictable was never smart. “Right, like I believe that. I come out there, you’ll knock me over the head, let the waves carry me off and you’ll be telling my sister you have no idea what happened, you didn’t see me down on the beach.”

A soft chuckle fell from her lips and a small wave crashed against the backs of her thighs, but she still didn’t turn to see what was building, and it was hard for me not to give it away with the look on my face.

“I never knew you to be afraid of a tiny girl.”

“Right, I seem to remember you breaking my nose when you got to town. How stupid do you think I am?” I shouted back, keeping her distracted.

She shrugged, grinning. I laughed again and now that it was too late, I called back, “If I’m the stupid one, how come you’re the one with your back to the ocean, sweetheart?”

My meaning sunk in just a second too late. Before she could even fully turn, the wave that had been building crashed into her, hitting her in the waist and knocking her off her feet and cresting over her head. When she popped back up, she struggled to rise to her feet as a few smaller waves rocked into her, but she made it up, brushing wet hair out of her face and spitting salt water.

I tipped my head back and laughed, earning me an even nastier glare when my gaze returned to angry Shae trudging her way through the water back to the beach.

“Jerk,” she mumbled as she stomped by me.

I laughed again and then followed after her wet trail in the sand back toward the party. I remained a few steps behind, and I’d be lying if I denied that my eyes were glued to the way her thin, wet dress clung to her nicely sculpted backside. I could even see the dark polka dots of what I guessed were bikini bottoms through the pale fabric. Where the trail sloped up toward the back of Luke’s house, she started to slip in her wet flip flops. I sprang forward and caught the back of her arm, keeping her from going down face first in the sand.

The only thanks I got was another annoyed glare, but it was different than the hateful looks she’d been giving me that made me think she was trying to burn me alive from the inside, or make my head explode. Something had shifted down on the beach, and while she might be holding a grudge because I didn’t warn her about the wave, she wasn’t truly angry at me anymore. Or at least not as angry, and she let me help her the rest of the way up the trail until we reached the top.

The sun had mostly set while we were down on the beach, and two tall lamp posts stood at the top of the trail at the edge of Luke’s property. They’d kicked on as well as lights around the pool, illuminating the party. When Shae stopped at the top, taking her hair in her hands, wringing water from it, her back was exposed to me. With the light now shining down on us, what I hadn’t been able to see was now visible. The pale yellow material of her dress had become see-through, but at that moment I didn’t give a shit about the polka dot bikini held together with just a few strings. My eyes were glued to the tattoo that covered most of her back and peeked above her dress.

She started to drop her hair back down, unaware that what I’m sure she’d hoped to keep hidden was no longer. I caught her hair, shoving it over her shoulder. At my touch, she started to jerk around, but I grabbed her upper arms and held her still so I could finish taking it in.

She froze for just a second while I’m guessing it sank in that her dress no longer covered her secret, and then she tore herself free, spinning around, but before she could open her mouth, words were tumbling from mine.

“What is that?” I was pretty sure I knew, but I needed to hear her say it.

A sad smile painted itself across her face. “That’s my heaven and my hell, because sometimes they’re the same.” With that she walked away and rejoined the party, and I just stood there, staring blankly after her, knowing exactly what she meant. That place, our place, it was my heaven and my hell too, and the reason I paid rent at an apartment while our old house on Pope Martin Road sat empty, because every fucking time I saw that tree and that field full of daisies and dandelions behind the house, I thought of her. The sweetest memories were also the worst and eventually I’d had to stop torturing myself.

Shae

October 19

Senior year . . .

Monday morning came too soon, following a Sunday spent shut in my room, avoiding the world. After waking up to find myself in Kellen’s bed, the events of the night before all rushing back and bringing with them head and heart splitting pain, Kellen kindly drove me home and deposited me on my doorstep after I assured him that even though I probably looked, and certainly felt, like death, I would be alright.

I was greeted inside by my irate mother and a lecture about poor choices and disgracing our family’s respected name and tarnishing our reputation. She went on without once taking a moment out of her tirade to ask about my puffy eyes or why I went to the dance with Jeremy but he wasn’t the one to bring me home. I tuned her out not long after she started in. It wasn’t worry or concern for my well being that had her so angry. It was the driver of the car that did drop me off. When she finished her rant and inflicted my punishment, grounding me for a month, something she wouldn’t even be around to enforce, she left for some committee brunch meeting and I trudged up the steps and flopped down on my bed.

I slept until after noon when Cam showed up with my clutch and cell phone, and to fill me in on the lack of excitement after I left. No fight had broken out and Jeremy passed out after Matt and Josh dragged him back inside. She’d bailed not long after.

She offered to spend the day with me, doing the whole sappy movie and ice cream thing, but I declined, and after she saw herself back out, I continued to mope in bed, leaving my phone off to avoid any unwanted calls or texts from Jeremy and the rest of the world.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t avoid them any longer. I was sitting in my car in the school parking lot, telling myself it wouldn’t be that bad, despite my firm conviction that this day was going to suck.

Cammie knocked on my window, and gave her version of a pep talk, which basically consisted of, “Get out of the car and put on your big girl panties because if people see you hiding in here, it’s just going to make them pounce.” Her intentions were good even if her execution left a little to be desired. I did my best to keep my chin up and walk into the school with Cammie by my side as if the not so subtle stares and murmurs that followed me had no effect.

Nobody was especially cruel or hateful, it wasn’t one of those Mean Girls kinds of things, but it’s hard when every face you see is filled with pity or embarrassment on your behalf, and everyone quickly looks away once they’re caught staring. Some of them were genuinely shocked; they thought we were the perfect couple and blah blah blah. It was hard to stomach hearing. Worse were the ones who only pretended as if they hadn’t known what was going on behind my back. The worst was when they made no secret of wondering if it was somehow my fault, as if I was a bad girlfriend. Too clingy, too needy, too bitchy, too controlling, too something that drove him into the arms of someone else, or if my suspicions were correct, several someone elses.

There were only a few who flat-out accepted that Jeremy was just an unfaithful, lying, prick, without any need to somehow shift the blame for his cheating onto me. They wanted to commiserate with me and thought that somehow standing around our lockers bashing him and saying what an asshole he was and how he deserved the ass kicking he got, would somehow make me feel better.

I appreciated the sentiment, even though Jeff punching him once in the face hardly constituted in my mind as an ass kicking, but it didn’t make me feel any better. None of it did.

Somehow, I made it through second period without running into Jeremy or Daisy, but in third it was inevitable, which is why when my Calculus class let out, I ducked into a stall in the girls bathroom and seriously considered skipping English. The one-minute warning bell rang out and I was still in there, but I knew if I didn’t go to class, Jeremy and Daisy would know I was avoiding them. Everyone would know I was too scared or too ashamed or embarrassed or whatever to face them, and while I was, I didn’t want everyone knowing it. Somehow that felt like letting Jeremy win, letting him see how much power he had over me, like without him I was a distraught mess. Again, I was a mess, but this was one time I was thankful for my mother’s lessons.

Hold your head high and never let them see you look weak. A lady is always dignified and in control of her emotions. A lady is above emotional outbursts, and Bradford’s are not weak.

It was laughable coming from her, considering that rather than face her own life, she liked to escape into a bottle of wine and pop a couple pills to make her forget, but that right there was the push I needed. I was not my mother. I would not break so easily, and Jeremy Black would sure as hell not be the one to break me. He was the one who should be hiding in a bathroom stall afraid to face me after what he did.

I made it to Ms. Renner’s class after the bell rang and then hesitated at the already closed door. Now all eyes would be on me as I walked in. I regretted my little bathroom detour.

“You look like you’re going to run.” I hadn’t noticed him leaning against the lockers behind me, and was startled enough that I about jumped out of my skin.

“I’m considering it,” I admitted, turning to face him and wondering if he’d been waiting for me or had showed up after I did.

“You still can if you want to.”

“Would you ditch with me?”

“If you wanted me to. Or we can go in there and you can show both of them why Daisy Brighton will never be you.”

“Why?”

He pushed off the wall of lockers and came to stand so close that I had to tip my chin up just to keep my eyes on his.

“Because you have class, grace and dignity that she doesn’t.”

“Thank you, but really I just want to punch them both and then go back to the girls’ bathroom and cry.”

“Is that really what you want to do? If it is, I won’t stop you.”

I sighed. “No. I want to go in there and show them that they didn’t break me, and that they can have each other, because I deserved better from both of them.”

“That’s my girl.”

My stomach did this weird flippy-floppy thing when he called me his girl, but I couldn’t focus too much on it, because in the next second, he was pulling open the door and I had to steel myself.

As expected, our late entrance drew everyone’s attention. Despite my best efforts to keep my eyes forward and not glance in Jeremy and Daisy’s direction, I couldn’t help myself.

My lips parted in an inaudible gasp. Jeremy’s face looked like it been steamrolled by Rocky, and the murderous way he looked at Kellen suggested he had something to do with it. Then his eyes fell on me for just a second before they dropped to the table. Daisy was already avoiding my gaze. The two of them were as far apart as the table would allow. Kellen placed his hand on the small of my back and guided me to our table, and I knew that one innocent touch would have our classmates talking. I could take a few guesses at what new rumors were going to spring up before the day was through.

I slid into my seat and Kellen into his and then Ms. Renner called the class back to attention, thankfully not commenting on our tardiness.

“So, all that about class and dignity and not hitting him, when you already did,” I whispered harshly.

“Sweetheart, I don’t think anyone’s ever mistaken me for classy,” he fired back under his breath, confirming that he’d had something to do with the shape Jeremy was in.

“You shouldn’t have done it.”

“You’re just mad because I got to hit him and you didn’t.”

It was partly true. Why did girls have to be the classy ones when guys got to solve problems with their fists? Mostly, I just didn’t want this to bring Kellen anymore trouble. A tiny part of me, probably the same part of me responsible for the flippy-floppy stomach in the hallway, was a little bit thrilled he’d felt compelled to defend my honor or whatever. I was still having a hard time forgetting how sweet he’d been to me when I showed up at his house Saturday night. Some of the details were a little hazy amidst all the alcohol, but I remembered him taking care of me and the bit about the chupacabra and me still being beautiful. A serious case of amnesia couldn’t have made me forget that part, just like nothing could erase the humiliation I’d felt when I walked in on Jeremy and Daisy.

The worst part was, I think if Jeremy had just told me he wasn’t happy in our relationship, that he wanted to be with someone else, it would have hurt and sucked for a little while, but I would have been okay. It was realizing that he cared so little that he couldn’t even do me the decency of being honest that made it so much harder to take. He gave zero consideration to me and our relationship when he violated it behind my back, and that made me feel very, very small.

I’d like to say that I shoved all that aside and let Ms. Renner distract me with her review of the study guide we’d been given to prepare us for our test on Wednesday, but I think Kellen was paying more attention than I was and he was doodling something I couldn’t see in a sketchpad he’d pulled out of his backpack.

My face felt hot and I was afraid I wasn’t doing a very good job of appearing fine, even though I was in the back of the class and no one was actually paying attention to me. Every few seconds my eyes would stray to the front corner, looking for some sign that Daisy and Jeremy were getting cozy, but they hadn’t moved any closer. A couple times, almost like he felt me watching him, Jeremy glanced back over his shoulders. Our eyes would meet for an instant and I’d look away, unable to hold it. I told myself if I could get through the class without crying, it would be enough.

When I wasn’t torturing myself with glances at Jeremy, I kept trying to sneak peeks at what Kellen was sketching, but he kept his arm draped just so. When class was over, Jeremy tried to talk to me, but Kellen stayed at my side and I didn’t stop until we were outside in the same spot we had lunch a few weeks ago. Right around the time he’d tried to tell me Jeremy was a cheater. At least he kept the
I told you so
to himself.

“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” We had our backs up against the side of the building, our legs stretched out in the grass.

“It was awful, and I have to see him again fifth period.”

“He won’t bother you. Not with me and D there.”

“About that. You going to explain the state of his face?”

He shrugged. “He made you cry, I simply returned the gesture in kind.”

“When did you do it?”

“Saturday night, after you passed out the second time. I left you with Trin, while D and I went to see if Jeremy was still at the party. He was. We had some words. He said some things I didn’t like and I made sure he knew I didn’t like them. His buddies, Dumb and Dumber, tried to jump in, but I had D and Jeff and a couple other guys there. The morons decided it would be better if they just let Black and I have it out, which didn’t take long. He’d sobered up some, but it was still hardly a fair fight and as much as I wanted him to bleed, there’s not as much satisfaction in it when it’s that easy.”

“You shouldn’t have gone over there. Someone could have called the cops. You could have gotten in a lot of trouble.”

“I get that, and I’ll even agree it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, going over there and starting something. But now you get that you showed up at my house drunk, crying and on your own when you shouldn’t have been any of those things. I didn’t like seeing it. I liked even less knowing that asshole put you in that position when he should have been spending the whole fucking night making you feel like a princess. I reacted. Simple as that.”

I laughed bitterly.

“What’s funny?”

“Nothing. There’s nothing funny at all. It’s just that I’ve listened to Jeremy and my mother, even Cammie and the other girls tell me how much trouble you are and that you’re not a good guy, but they all adored Jeremy, said he was perfect. How messed up and backwards is that? And why? Because his parents have money and he plays football and you don’t?”

“Little more to it than that, but yeah. Don’t gotta go and get yourself worked up over it though. I’m used to it, and it’s not like everyone who says that shit is wrong. I’m not a good guy.”

“Stop. You can spin that lie on everyone else, but I wasn’t so drunk on Saturday that I don’t remember any of the night. Some details are very clear, and you didn’t have to do any of that. The guy they say you are, the guy you’re trying to tell me that you are, he wouldn’t have done any of that. At most, he would have put my drunk ass in a car and driven me home.”

“One night doesn’t change all the rest, sweetheart, and are you forgetting what you walked in on?”

I winced, because no I hadn’t forgotten, but that was not the point. “Yet you got rid of her, and I doubt you lied to her or made her any kind of false promises, like that you would only be with her and that you didn’t hook up with Daisy Brighton at Josh’s house.”

“No. I don’t make promises, makes it real easy not to break them. Still, I don’t think too many people would look at that quality and think they found a prize.”

“Yeah, well people are idiots.”

“Won’t get any arguments from me on that, but I still don’t think that makes me any sort of Prince Charming.”

“Why are you trying so hard to convince me that you’re no good?”