Archie's Unbelievably Freaky Week (6 page)

‘Ask him?’ said Mr Gunn.

‘I know he can’t speak English,’ said Mrs Hemp, ‘not while he’s a dog, but I’ve given him a sort of code to use. One
woof
means “yes”, and two means “no”. Go on! Ask him if he’s Archie Coates!’

Mr Gunn looked at the dog, who was sitting obediently on the floor. ‘Are you Archie Coates?’ he asked.

‘
Woof!
’ said the dog.

‘Really?’

‘
Woof!
’

‘You’re not just . . . making it up?’

‘
Woof, woof!
’ said the dog.

The Head Teacher leaned back in his chair and frowned. ‘A lot of dogs bark when you talk to them,’ he said. ‘It’s a coincidence.’

‘No, it’s not,’ said Mrs Hemp, firmly. ‘I’ve been asking him questions for the last ten minutes and he’s answered every one of them correctly! The poor boy has turned into a dog. And it’s not the first time this has happened to him!’

Mr Gunn took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘What makes you think that?’

‘I heard him telling Cyd about it in the playground this morning,’ said Mrs Hemp. ‘I heard him describe, in some detail, how he turned into a dog last night, how his parents threw him out of the house and how he had to search for food . . .’

‘Children have very vivid imaginations,’ said Mr Gunn.

‘I agree,’ said Mrs Hemp, ‘and I presumed that’s all it was. Until lunchtime.’ She leaned forward and continued in a low, confidential tone. ‘That was when I saw this dog trotting down the corridor towards my classroom. I followed it, went inside and do you know what I saw?’

‘A dog?’ suggested Mr Gunn.

‘Archie!’ said Mrs Hemp. ‘No sign of the dog. Just Archie Coates. And when he’d gone I searched the entire classroom. But there was no dog! I saw a dog go in, but only a boy went out.’

‘That is certainly odd,’ Mr Gunn agreed,
‘but
as I told you this morning—’

‘And this afternoon,’ continued Mrs Hemp, ignoring the interruption, ‘I saw Archie going into the men’s cloakroom on the ground floor.’

‘What was he doing in there?’ asked Mr Gunn. The cloakroom on the ground floor was only supposed to be used by teachers.

‘That’s what I wanted to know,’ said Mrs Hemp. ‘So I waited outside for a while, but then I heard noises – animal noises – and when I went inside . . .’

‘Yes?’

‘When I went inside I found this dog’ – Mrs Hemp pointed dramatically to the animal at her feet – ‘sitting on a pile of school clothes, and no sign of Archie! There is only one possible explanation. The boy turned into a dog and his clothes fell off around him.’ She looked down at the terrier. ‘That is what happened, isn’t it?’

‘
Woof!
’ said the dog.

Mr Gunn opened his mouth to speak,
closed
it again, then consulted a timetable on his desk.

‘According to this,’ he said, ‘Archie is doing Sports at the moment with Miss Roberts, out on the field. Perhaps the first thing to do is find out if—’

There was a knock at the door, and Cyd appeared.

‘Miss Roberts sent me to tell you,’ she said, ‘that Archie’s supposed to be doing Sports out on the field, but he hasn’t turned up.’

‘There you are!’ Mrs Hemp turned in her chair to face Cyd. ‘Don’t worry, dear! He’s safe here with us.’

‘Is he?’ Cyd looked quickly round the Head Teacher’s office. ‘Where?’

‘Here,’ Mrs Hemp pointed to the terrier beside her. ‘I’m afraid he’s turned into a dog again.’

‘
Woof!
’ said the dog.

Cyd stared at Mrs Hemp, and then at the dog. She knew that teachers could get strange ideas sometimes, but this one was . . .

‘That’s not Archie,’ she said. ‘It’s a dog. He’s called Ruffles!’

Mrs Hemp frowned, and turned to the dog. ‘Is your name Ruffles?’

‘
Woof woof!
’ said the dog.

‘Who’s Ruffles?’ asked Mr Gunn.

‘Ruffles belongs to Laura Wilde,’ said Cyd. ‘She’s only had him a couple of weeks and he’s supposed to be at home, but sometimes he escapes and comes to school to see her. Then we all have to hide him because we don’t want Laura to get into trouble.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Mrs Hemp, ‘but this animal has told me quite definitely that he is Archie Coates.’ She looked at the dog. ‘Isn’t that right?’

‘
Woof!
’ said the dog.

‘Mrs Hemp thinks that he’s speaking in code,’ Mr Gunn explained. ‘One
woof
for “yes”, and two for “no”.’

‘He’s not speaking in code!’ said Cyd. ‘He’s barking!’

And he wasn’t the only one, she thought.

‘So why did Mrs Hemp overhear Archie telling you this morning about turning into a dog last night?’ asked Mr Gunn.

‘What?’ Cyd looked puzzled for a moment,
but
then her face cleared. ‘Oh, you mean the dream!’

‘Dream?’

‘Yes,’ said Cyd. ‘Archie was telling me in break this morning he had a dream last night where he turned into a dog, went down to the chip shop and then shrank to the size of a pea and vanished through a hole in the floor. It wasn’t real,’ she added, in case there was any doubt.

Mrs Hemp looked rather confused.

‘But I
saw
him change,’ she said. ‘At lunchtime. I saw a dog go into a classroom and then, when I went in, there was no dog, just Archie.’

‘If Archie found the dog in school, he would have hidden him,’ said Cyd. ‘Like I told you, we don’t want Laura to get into trouble. Was he carrying a bag?’

‘He had his school bag, yes, but . . .’

‘He’ll have put the dog in the bag,’ said Cyd, confidently, ‘and then taken it to the men’s cloakroom on the ground floor. It’s safe to leave him there, you see, because no one uses it. Then he’ll tell Laura to collect him at the end of the day.’

‘But . . . but . . . I followed Archie into the cloakroom this afternoon!’ Mrs Hemp was visibly confused. ‘And he wasn’t there! There was just a pile of clothes on the floor and the dog in the middle of it. How do you explain that?’

‘I can’t,’ said Cyd. ‘But I expect Archie can.’

‘Which brings us back to the real problem,’ said Mr Gunn. ‘Where exactly is Archie?’ He looked hopefully at Cyd.

‘Well, I don’t
know
,’ said Cyd, ‘but if he was last seen going into the staff cloakroom, and then someone else went in and took away his bag and all his clothes, I should imagine he’s probably still there.’

The Head Teacher stood up. ‘Let’s go and find out, shall we?’

The three of them strode out of the Head’s office and along the corridor to the cloakroom. The dog followed them.

When Mr Gunn pushed open the door, the cloakroom seemed to be empty.

‘Archie?’ said Cyd. ‘Are you in here?’

‘Thank goodness!’ said a voice. ‘I’ve been stuck in here for—’

Archie’s head appeared round the side of the shower stall, but he stopped in mid-sentence when he saw the Head and Mrs Hemp.

‘Someone’s taken all my clothes,’ he said. ‘Does anyone know where they are?’

‘
Woof!
’ said the dog.

‘It was a nightmare,’ Archie told Cyd as the two of them walked home. ‘I’m telling you, the whole thing was a complete nightmare.’

‘I still don’t understand,’ said Cyd. ‘What happened after you found Ruffles and put him in the men’s cloakroom? I mean, why did you go back later? And why did you take all your clothes off?’

‘I went back to check he was OK,’ Archie explained. ‘You know how he can start howling if he’s left on his own for too long. So I thought I’d call in before getting changed for Sports and give him a biscuit. Then, when I got to the cloakroom, he was really pleased to see me. He jumped on my lap and he had his paws on my shoulders, and he was licking my face. He was very excited . . . like, very excited . . .’