Archie's Unbelievably Freaky Week (7 page)

‘Oh, no!’ said Cyd. ‘He didn’t!’

‘He did,’ said
Archie
. ‘He weed all down the front of my shirt and down my trousers. I was soaking . . .’

‘And that’s why you took everything off?’

‘Well, I couldn’t go anywhere like that, could I?’ said Archie. ‘So I thought I’d get changed into my games kit. And then I thought, as there was a shower in there, it might be a good idea to have a wash first . . .’

‘And when you got out of the shower, all your clothes had gone,’ Cyd finished, sympathetically.

‘My clothes, my bag with the games kit, the dog, everything!’ Archie shook his head. ‘I couldn’t believe it! I had nothing to wear. There weren’t even any paper towels!’

‘Mrs Hemp did say how sorry she was,’ said Cyd.

‘I know,’ Archie agreed, ‘but it was still a nightmare. The whole thing.’ He walked a few paces in silence before adding, ‘Did you know Mr Gunn laughed when I told him? He thought it was funny! I mean . . . what is funny about being stuck in a room with no clothes, wondering if you’ll have to walk through the school, naked, to tell someone what happened?’

‘Well,’ said Cyd, ‘it is a
bit
funny. If you think about it.’

Archie thought about it and, slowly, a smile replaced the frown on his face.

‘I suppose it is a bit,’ he said. He turned to his friend. ‘Mrs Hemp didn’t
really
think I’d turned into a dog, did she?’

‘She was
positive
you had,’ said Cyd. ‘And I think she almost convinced Mr Gunn.’

They both laughed.

Archie’s mother, however, was definitely not laughing when she saw him. She wanted to know why he had come home in his games kit, and what had happened to his school clothes.

‘And what’s this stain down the front of your shirt?’ she demanded, as she took it out of his bag. ‘It’s all down your trousers as well,
and
what . . . what’s that smell?’ Her nose wrinkled in disgust. ‘Is that what I think it is?’

She held the clothes at arm’s length.

‘Honestly! I don’t believe it, Archie!’

ON FRIDAY, WHEN
Archie arrived at school, the Head Teacher called him into his office.

‘I wonder,’ he said, closing the door behind them, ‘if you’d mind not going into class today?’

‘You want me to miss all my lessons?’ asked Archie.

‘Yes.’ Mr Gunn sat down behind his desk. ‘You see, Mrs Hemp will not be coming back after what happened yesterday, which means we have lost four teachers so far this week and, although I’ve managed to get another replacement, this is the last one. They don’t have any more.’

‘Oh,’ said Archie.

‘We’ll be all right when Miss Jensen gets back,’ said the Head. ‘She knows how to cope with all the odd things that happen to you but, until then, I’d like you to stay in here with me.’ He pointed to a chair and table in the corner. ‘I’ve set up somewhere for you to work.’

Archie didn’t really like the idea of being on his own all day, but it was not quite as bad as he had expected. He had often wondered what Head Teachers
did
during the day and now, sitting in the corner of Mr Gunn’s office, he was able to find out.

The Head Teacher seemed to spend most of his time sorting out problems for people who came to see him. He sorted out the plumber who wanted to know if he could fit a new toilet in the girls’ lavatory. He sorted out the builders who wanted to know where they could put their skip. And he sorted out teachers like Miss Roberts, who wanted to know how to make hydrogen gas for a science experiment. And through it all, Archie was able to watch and listen.

At least he was until the middle of the morning, when Mr Gunn looked at his diary and told Archie he would have to leave him on his own for the next hour or two.

‘We’ve got a visit from the Health and Safety Inspector,’ he said, and a slightly worried look crossed his face. ‘He’s a new man – I’ve not met him before – but I’ll have to show him round the school. It’s important that he gives us a good report.’

The Inspector’s name was Mr Halibut, and
his
visit did not get off to a good start.

‘I must warn you,’ he said, when the secretary showed him into Mr Gunn’s office, ‘that I am not impressed by what I’ve seen so far.’

‘But you haven’t seen anything yet,’ protested Mr Gunn. ‘All you’ve done is walk in from the car park!’

‘And in that short walk,’ said Mr Halibut, severely, ‘I saw children playing outside, in the sunshine, without sunhats. I saw the outside door to a classroom left open, so that any passing axe murderer could walk straight in.’ He sniffed. ‘And coming into this office I see that you openly encourage the consumption of sugary sweets.’ He pointed to a glass bowl of lollipops on Mr Gunn’s desk.

The Head Teacher stared at him. ‘What happened to Mr Stevens?’ he asked. ‘He’s the one who normally does our Health and Safety inspection.’

‘Mr Stevens is busy,’ said Mr Halibut, stiffly. ‘If you would be so good as to show me round the school?’

Mr Gunn did not answer immediately. For several seconds he drummed his fingers on the desk before saying, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t show you round myself. I have another appointment. But Archie here can take you.’

Archie blinked. The Head Teacher was usually very careful not to let him get too close to visitors, in case something ‘odd’ happened.

‘Mr Gunn,’ he said, ‘are you sure that—’

‘Quite sure, thank you!’ Mr Gunn interrupted. ‘I’d like you to take Mr Halibut
round
the school. Show him everything. Take as long as you need, all right?’

‘All right,’ said Archie.

He began his tour by taking Mr Halibut outside and showing him the Thinking Garden. It was a little fenced area where children could go when they wanted somewhere to sit quietly and think.

‘What is that?’ demanded Mr Halibut, pointing to a large stone with a hollow in it, containing the remains of two candles.

Archie explained that, if there was someone you cared about who might be in trouble, you could light a candle for them in the garden.

‘My friend Cyd lights a candle here sometimes for her dad,’ he said. ‘He’s in the army, and she hasn’t seen him for—’

‘I don’t believe it!’ said Mr Halibut. ‘You mean your Head Teacher actually
hands out
matches and candles to his students?’

‘Well, yes,’ said Archie. ‘Is that bad?’

‘Of course it’s bad!’ said Mr Halibut. He
gestured
round the Thinking Garden. ‘This place is an Accident Waiting to Happen!’

In the next half hour, the Inspector saw a lot of things that he thought were Accidents Waiting to Happen. He was horrified to hear that children were allowed to play under the trees at the edge of the field – where branches might fall off at any moment and kill them. He was appalled to discover that the school kept two goats. There are, he told Archie, at least nineteen diseases you can catch from goats, three of which are fatal. And he was deeply shocked when, on the path that led round the back of the school, Archie picked up a toy gun.