As I Am (17 page)

“Kinley,” he begins. Miller says my name and it falls on my ears li
ke sweet music. His fingers lace into my hair and he holds my head in his hand, gently pulling my face closer to his. He’s going to kiss me and I’m more excited in this moment than I was either time I kissed Cal.

Cal.

“Miller.” I manage to allow his name to escape my lips in a breathy moan. I wish it were out of uncontrolled passion, but it’s not. I’m technically still with Cal. To kiss Miller right here, right now, as much as I’m dying to, wouldn’t be right. “I can’t.”

Taken off
-guard, he actually shakes his head and blinks his eyes a few times. “What’s wrong?”

“Cal
… which I know is absolutely the last word that should leave my mouth right now, but … he still thinks I’m
with
him. It just doesn’t seem right for me to be like this with you, even though I
really
like being with you like this,” I explain. I wait for him to comprehend what I’m saying, and after a moment it seems to sink in.

“
That’s cool. I mean, not totally cool because I have wanted to kiss you for a while now,” he says with a crooked smile.

“
I’m sorry,” I say.

“It’s okay, Kinley. I want to kiss you, but I understand.”

“So, we’re good now, right?” I ask hopefully.

“We’re more than good. And, as soon as you break things off with Cal, we’ll be perfect.”
Miller’s eyes lock mine and the warmest feeling rushes through me. This connection he’s talked about since the moment we met is so real I didn’t know it could exist. He looks at me and my longing to be seen in fulfilled. He looks at me like he thinks I might be magic and it’s wonderful.

“C’mon
, walk with me. Until you say different, we’re back to being only friends, but you have to know I’m sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for you to give me the green light.”

“As soon as I see him, his light will turn red, and yours will most definitely turn green,” I say with what I know is a sugary sweet tone. I can’t help it.
Apparently Miller brings that out in me. “So … what were you doing out here?”

“
I was on my way to clean off the canoes,” he tells me. “Now that it stopped raining, Mr. Fellows asked me to get them ready in case there was time for some of the kids to go out on the water before dinner.”

“
By yourself? That seems like a pretty big job. What are there? Fifteen canoes?” I ask. Just the idea of cleaning fifteen canoes, even with some help, seems daunting … and gross.

“I was still kind of upset. I just wanted to be alone,”
he says quietly.

“Oh,” I begin, unsure of what to say. I don’t want to rehash everything with him because it’s just not necessary. At the risk of sounding like my sister, I just want to move on. “I’m happy to help if you’d like.”

“That’d be awesome,” Miller says with a bright smile. “So, are you any closer to resolving things with Addison?”

“I don’t know. She made a small attempt at an apology earlier today, which was a huge move for her. I hate that things are this way between us. I’m sure we’ll recover, but I think I’m going to make her sweat a little longer. Probably just a day or two and then we’ll sit down and hash it out,” I tell him.
“The whole thing has sucked, but it’s actually been really good for me. Have you ever had a moment when the light gets turned on and all of the sudden you’re seeing things clearly? This summer has kind of been kind of switch-flipping for me,” I chuckle.

“That morning with Kate in the kitchen. It was pretty life-changing,” he says with a peaceful expression.

“Life-changing sounds pretty extreme, but I suppose it has been to some extent.” I breathe a sigh as we keep walking. We’re at the canoe rack by the lake in no time. There are a few on one of the big racks, but the rest are up the sandy part of the shore. There’s one that’s dangerously close to the water so we pull that one in and slide it next to the others.

“These are so seriously gross.” I make a face and Miller laughs. “What?”

“You’re just cute,” he says. I just roll my eyes and smirk, woefully unprepared on how to respond to a compliment from him now that we’re on the brink of something. Cal said I was cute once, but somehow when the words roll off Miller’s lips it sounds so different.

“I think we’re missing one.” I count the canoes again and still come up with fourteen. I check the water to see if maybe another one had been too close to the water and drifted out during the rain but don’t see anything.

“There it is. How did it get all the way down there?” Miller points down to the far end of the shore to a red canoe perched against a tree, nowhere near the water. “I bet it’s those kids again. I had to shoo away a couple of fourteen-year-olds having a make-out session. I’ll tell you another secret: we guys get the better end of the deal on that. At that age, you’ve got way more to offer than we do,” he chuckles.

“That, too, is no secret,” I laugh with him.

“All right, you two. Put your pants back on and go play with your Legos or something. Stop trying to grow up so fast!” he calls to them.

The kids emerge from the canoe, only they aren’t kids. It’s Tiffany, with her shirt off and a boob hanging out of her bra, and a shirtless Cal with his pants undone.

I can’t breathe. It feels like there’s an anvil sitting on my chest. This feels like one of those situations you think you know what you’ll do if or when it happens, but the reality is that you’re too stunned to respond in any way at first.

Cal looks at me, his eyes filled with shock at being caught in the act of cheating on me. I guess that’s what you call it. I mean, we hadn’t made anything super official, but he has kissed me twice and we’ve been spending all this time together. All my friends here have been telling me over and over again what a douchebag Cal is, but I defended him. I said they just didn’t know him like I did. I
guess I didn’t know him all that well because I never would have thought he would do something like this.

“I can explain, Kinley,” Cal says as he begins his excuse.

“That’s what you’re leading with?” Miller asks sarcastically.

“Shut up, Miller. This doesn’t concern you.” Daggers shoot from Cal’s eyes to Miller.

“Just let him explain, Kinley,” Tiffany chimes in.

“Miller, Tiffany
… I would like both of you to leave please,” I say with disturbingly calm tone.

“I’m not leaving you here with him, Kinley,” Miller begins.

“Oh, please! What do you think is going to happen?” Cal challenges Miller’s protectiveness. Miller steps forward to counter Cal’s remarks but I stop him. I can’t let this turn into the moment Miller has been waiting for.

“Miller, please.” My eyes haven’t left Cal since he s
tood up in the shaky, red canoe with his pants undone.

“You should leave, Tiff.” Cal reiterates my wishes to Tiffany and from my periphery I see him help her out of the canoe. After a moment she’s gone and I’m left standing there with Cal and Miller.

“You have no idea how badly I want to kick your ass right now,” Miller says to Cal as he approaches me. “I’ve been waiting all summer for you to show your true colors and give me the chance, but I have a feeling whatever Kinley is going to say to you will tear you apart more than I ever could.” Miller stands in front of me, cutting off my view of Cal. “Are you sure you want me to leave?” I nod and Miller gives a tight-lipped smile. “Remember: the switch has been flipped.”

Miller walks away and my focus on Cal becomes clear again. He steps out of the canoe and only then does he realize that his pants are still undone. He zips and buttons his shorts and grabs his shirt from inside the canoe. He doesn’t put it on right away, giving me the suspicion that he’s trying to use his body as a distraction. When I don’t respond to his undeniably sexy chest and abs, he sighs
, defeated, and pulls his shirt over his head.

“Kinley…” he begins.

“No. You don’t get to go first. I’m going to talk before what you say makes what I have to say sound like some pathetic rebuttal. You’re a jerk, Cal. I’ve been defending your douchebaggery to my friends, but you just proved them right. I thought you were different. I thought we were at least friends. And that’s what I wanted to tell you. I wanted things to work out between us, but the more time we spent together, the more I realized that what we are … what we
were
… was really good friends. So, even before I walked in on this humiliating scene, I was going to break things off with you. I thought that maybe we could go back to being friends, but after this, there’s no way that’s going to happen.” I did it. I got it out. My heart is pounding like a drum and might actually explode from my chest, but I did it.

“I am so sorry, Kinley. I never meant to hurt you. We were good friends. I’d still like us to be great friends.” Cal’s voice is full of remorse. My softer side wants to tell him it’s ok
ay and that we can still be friends. I was going to break up with him anyway. I don’t do that, though. I proudly stick to my guns the way I have with Addison.

“You humiliated me and broke my heart,” I say.

“You were already going to break up with me,” he replies.

“That’s beside the point, Cal. As far as you knew, I was crazy about you. Why would you do this to me?” I break down and ask the most obvious of questions that never has a good enough answer.

“Do you want the truth?”

“Well I’m certainly not interested in you lying to me any longer than you already have been.” I let sarcasm permeate my tone
, a move I wouldn’t normally do with anyone other than Addison, and sometimes my stepmother.

“
Tiffany and I had gone out a few times when Addison emailed me and asked if I could do her a favor,” he begins.

“Wait. What? Addison emailed you?” My brow furrows together, confused by what my sister has to do with this.

“Yeah. She said you could use a confidence boost and asked ifI would consider taking our friendship to the next level. Tiffany and I had only been out a couple of times, and there wasn’t really any commitment there, so I agreed. She said you had been pretty down an
d
‒
‒
”

“My sister contacted you and asked you to date
me as a favor to her? To boost my self-esteem?”

“It started out that way, but the more time we spent together the more I thought that maybe it could be more. But, like you said, we were just made to be better friends than anything.” Cal steps forward in an attempt to engage me
, but I step back from him.

“What were you going to do at the end of the summer? Break up with me? Save a make-out session with Tiffany for a more public setting where I would find you? Funny that neither of you thought how
being dumped might be a little deflating for me.”

“I don’t know what I was going to do. We hadn’t gotten that far yet.”

“What, like in the planning and strategy of it all? Did Addy tell you what to do with me and when?” Call just stares at me, not answering. “Oh my God. Was anything we did together real?” I don’t know what to feel. Everything I thought was true with Cal was a complete lie orchestrated by my sister.

“Kinley
… I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to get hurt. Addison just wants you to be happy. I just wanted you to feel special,” he tries to explain.

“The only person Addison wants to be happy is herself.
” I rake my fingers through my hair as I gather my thoughts. I could go on and on about how Addison’s only goal in life is to make sure everyone else’s revolves around her, but that could take a while to detail. “I expect that from my sister. The worst part in all of this is that you went along with her twisted plan. I liked being friends with you, Cal. I liked that you talked to me and shared things with me like real friends do. Those are the ways you made me feel special. But … you ruined everything by going along with my sister’s messed-up idea helping me.” I begin to walk away and Cal calls after me, following close behind.

“Kinley, please understand. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. She said you had been in a bad place. Some guy at school had broken your heart and that you just really needed someone to lif
t your spirits, remind you how special and wonderful you are,” he says as he catches up with me. Despite the fact that he’s almost a foot taller than me, Cal is working to keep up with my pace.

“Wow. This just keeps getting better and better. Lies, Cal. All lies. Now I know that we weren’t ever really friends because a real friend would have asked me about something like that. A real friend would have tried to find out how I was doing and be there for m
e!” I don’t stop walking or even bother to look over at Cal. At first I’m not sure where I’m even walking. I didn’t start with a place in mind. All I really wanted was to get away from Cal. Now I realize that I’m making a bee-line to the dining hall to see if Amy knows where I can find Addison. I swing open the door and make eye contact with Amy after noticing Tiffany in the back corner, hiding behind some kids and pretending to not be there.

“Where’s Addy?” I ask bluntly.

“Um … I think she’s at the pavilion,” she answers quickly, seeing the urgency in me.

I turn around to walk back the direction I just came from and Cal stops me.

“What are you doing, Kinley?” He takes me by the shoulders, keeping me from moving.

“I’m going to find my sister and set things straight with her,” I bark at him. His hands are tight on me so I don’t even attempt to squirm away from him. “Don’t try to stop me, Cal. You and
I are done. Now this is between me and my sister.” There is a determined fire in my eyes that Cal can’t ignore.

Realizing how serious I am
, he releases me. “Just don’t do anything you’re going to regret. She may have royally screwed things up, but she’s still your sister.”

“
She just lost that title.”

I storm off toward the pavilion, opting to take the shortcut I avoided earlier. Cal isn’t far behind but he’s stopped trying to talk to me.
With how drastically I’m acting right now, he might actually be a little scared of me right now, which is fine with me.

The kids are all gathered in the open-air structure being directed by one of the lead counselors in some kind of team
-building exercise while the other counselors are standing on the sidelines watching. Addison sees me approaching, her smile quickly fading as she sees how upset I am. She notices Cal following me and her expression changes altogether.

“Kin! What’s wrong? What happened?” she asks as
she meets me several yards away from the pavilion and out of earshot from the kids..

“You are what happened!” I say with fierceness.

“I’m sorry … what?” Addy looks at me with confusion painting her face. I can’t tell if she’s faking it or just hasn’t put it together yet.

“Cal told me everything.”

“I … don’t know what you’re talking about.” Addy looks over my shoulder at Cal as if to solicit his support.

“She knows everything, Addison,” he confirms.

Addison holds her breath, waiting for me to say or do something, but I wait. I wait to hear what pathetic excuse for reasoning comes out of her mouth. I wait to see how she’s going to try and backpedal her way out of this. She’s already in a big hole, so this should be interesting.

“Kinley,” she begins quietly.
Our friends have gathered around us, and as much as Addy loves to be in the spotlight, this isn’t the kind of attention she lives for. “Let’s just go back to The Lodge and talk about this.”

“Why, Addison? You set this whole thing up with Cal so everyone would see how special I am. I want to make sure everyone knows just how special
you
are.” My tone is harsh and I don’t care. She put me on display with Cal for her own benefit and now it’s her turn.

“Please,” she whispers as she steps closer to me. “Everyone is watching.”

“Why, Addy? Why would you humiliate me like this?” I ask, ignoring her request to relocate this fight.

“I just wanted you to feel wanted,” she answers slowly.

“Even if it was a lie? You robbed me of the genuine feeling of truly being wanted. It was all fake! You even told him when to kiss me!”

“I just thought that if you could feel wanted
, feel sexually attractive, that you’d see the potential you have and want to be better.” Addison’s reasoning is so disgusting that some of the other counselors wince. “If you look better, then you won’t be judged so harshly. You have to understand how the world works, Kinley.”

“I understand how the world works. What I will never understand is how
your
world works. You have been my judge and jury my whole life, telling me what to wear and how to act. Now I was supposed to lose my virginity to Cal in the woods and that was going to somehow be the catalyst to making me want to look and be more like you?” I muse.

“Well, if you’re going to turn in your V card, Cal’s a great option,” she says matter-of-factly.
Cal calls out Addison’s name in a frustrated huff.

“Oh my God! That was rhetorical! The fact that you answe
red so simply is unbelievable! I’m not you, Addison, and by God I never want to be anything like you! I’m not going to exchange my V card for your Condom of the Month card that’s been punched so many times even Planned Parenthood thinks it’s excessive!”

“Kinley! When did you
get to be so harsh?” Addison is so shocked by my aggressive stance that she literally put her one hand over her mouth and the other over her heart.

“When I realized
that my sister is a terrible, terrible person.”

“I just wanted you to see how much potential you have, Kinley. You could be even greater than you already are. And when you make those changes, it won’t be so hard for us to explain to people how we’re twins
anymore.” Every time Addison opens her mouth she gives me an even more wretched excuse for her behavior and proves what a despicable human being she is.

“I’m sorry it’s so inconvenient for you to explain how I’m your sister yet so hideously different than you. Tell you what
… I’ll make it easy for you. The next time someone asks about your sister, tell them you don’t have one. That’s exactly what I’ll be doing.”

I
turn move through the woods faster than I ever have before. Sweat is rolling down my back and face, and my chest hurts from how heavily I’m breathing. My Toms slide on a muddy spot and I catch myself against a tree. I stop there for a moment to catch my breath and allow myself the freedom to cry. I allow myself one look back to see if by some miracle Addison followed me. She didn’t. Even after all that, she’s not even going to attempt to follow me and make things right. I said the harshest, meanest things I’ve ever said to her and she’s not even going to put up a fight.