As I Am (18 page)

It’s over. I resolve then and there that I’ll be cutting myself off from
Addison, and have very little to do with Dad and Christine. Dad has never even tried to understand me and Christine is just the adult version of Addison. I’ll go back to campus and immediately request a new dorm. Addy will be with Dad and Christine in Atlantic City so I’ll have time to pack my things and move. Now that everything is so clear, I don’t think I can go back to that life.

I stop walking
when I land in the spot Miller brought me to watch the sunrise. There’s no sunrise or sunset to fill the sky with gorgeous hues of orange, red, and gold now. The sky is overcast from the rainstorm that has finally stopped soaking the camp, and there’s a foggy haze sitting over the lake. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them, resting my chin on top. I thought my world crashed when Mom left, but this is so much crappier. Does it suck any worse than your own sister whoring you out so you’ll want to try harder to be skinny like her? All so she doesn’t have to endure the inconvenience and embarrassment of having to explain why we’re so physically different?

I’ve lost count how many times I thought that maybe my life would be easier if I were a size four, not a size twelve; how many times I thought that if I could wave a magic wand and change my body, I would. The thing is, I never thought those things or wished them because I wanted to be Addison. I wished them because I just wanted to be enough. I wanted to be whatever I needed to be so that the things that have been in the way of Addison truly accepting me would be gone and we could just live our lives without the drama.

Tears roll down my face as I let out the pain I’ve dismissed and shoved down throughout my life. A tear falls for each time I changed my clothes when Addy said I didn’t look good, for every pizza I dabbed the grease from, and for every time Addison told me I would be happier if I would drop four sizes.

Why couldn’t she just love and accept me as I am?

Miller’s arm slides around me as he sits down. He doesn’t say anything. He just lets me lean into him and continue crying. After a while the tears have dried up and I have no more to give. Miller doesn’t move his arm and I don’t attempt to sit up. I stay resting there at his side, in his safety.

“I was hoping I’d find you here,” he says softly.

“I didn’t know where else to go.”

“
Pete found me in the dining hall with Amy and told us what happened. Sounds like you really let her have it.” I hear him give a breathy laugh and my heart smiles just a little. “I hope you let Cal have it, too.”

“It was so much worse than I ever imagined,” I tell him. “It would have been better had Cal just been cheating on me. It would have been heartbreaking, but I know how to deal with that.
”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Miller asks, rubbing my shoulder with his whole hand.

“Is being a size …” I stop myself, realizing I don’t want to reveal my actual size to Miller. “I mean … is not being a size four really the worst thing I could be? Is that the thing that has really kept me from finding what she thinks I’m supposed to have? Maybe it is, I don’t know. They didn’t even think about what her little scheme would do to me … because it wasn’t about me. It was about Addy. It makes me feel so invisible.”

“You’re not invisible. You’re invaluable.” Miller’s words ring in my ear and I’m not sure if I’
ll ever be able to believe them. I want to, and feel like I’ve already taken a giant leap past the damage Addy has done, the damage I allowed her to cause. But, it seems like such a huge task to clear the wreckage from my mind. I keep thinking about Amy’s advice to shut out Addy’s voice that seems to constantly ring in my head. I’m afraid the only way she’s going to go silent is if I completely and totally separate myself from her. Quite possibly forever.

“Remember when I told you the rest of my story was best saved for another time? I think now is
a good time,” Miller says.

“Okay. I could use some ideas on how to one day look back and laugh, or at least not cry, about all of this,” I tell him.

“I started getting my tattoos because I wanted to set myself apart from everyone who ever thought they were better than me, mainly my father. It started with this design on my right shoulder. When I drew it I felt like I had designed a brand for myself.” Miller pulls up the short sleeve on his right shoulder and shows me his tattoo. It swirls and curves around in dark lines and doesn’t look like the kind of design just anyone could copy. “It didn’t take long before I moved to my left arm and started this collection. At first I was being a badass and had some other crazy designs that I created done. I liked them … I like them … but they didn’t really mean anything.

“The morning after Mikey and I got arrested, and
his mom made breakfast, Roger sat me down for talk. It was the first time a dad talked
with
me, not
at
me, so I was interested in what he had to say. I was also pretty broken by then anyway, and desperate for some kind of direction in my life. My father made it clear that I never met his expectations, and people judged me based on my tattoos and the company I kept. People can be pretty harsh, like they think the tattoos create some kind of force field, making us invincible to their cruel judgments. It was nice to have someone talk to me because they cared about my future, not because they were criticizing my past.

“
He talked to me about my life having a purpose and a plan and Kara’s death didn’t negate that plan, that no one’s judgment of me changed my destiny. But the hardest thing to hear him say was that in the process of life there are long stretches of darkness and silence when you don’t know what you’re doing or where you’re going or if you’re even moving forward. That’s where I had been. Things sucked at home with my parents, but I knew how to escape that. When Kara died, everything just went dark.”

“So what’s the plan? I mean, what do you do with that? For me, now that the light has been turned on, I realize my whole life has been one long stretch of darkness. I don’t even know what to do with that. I don’t know how to move forward.” I
stare at Miller, hoping to watch the answer fall from his lips.

“I had to
recognize that there was all this unnecessary chatter in my head. You know, all the thoughts that run through our head that make us feel like crap? For me, it was the voices that told me Kara’s death was my fault. The ones that said I wasn’t good for anything, I had no talent, and that if my parents didn’t really want me, how could anyone else.”

“There’s really only one thing that chatters in my head: I’m not good enough. Period. Across the board.
I am not. Good. Enough,” I say.

“There is a ceaseless war of words going on in all of us, Kinley. We can either listen to the truth and live, or we can listen to the chatter
, which always lies, and lose.” Miller’s eyes are soft on me as he talks. “The chatter will never go away. You have to decide how much volume you give it.”

“It runs so much deeper than just negative self-talk, Miller. She’s my sister and I believed her
when she said she had my best interest at heart. I thought because she said it, it must be true … that I needed to be and act a certain way. I never thought that anything she did had any ulterior motives. I saw her do that with other people, but I never thought she’d do it to me. I was stupid to think that I was immune,” I tell him.

“
Just because the lies are being spoken, doesn’t mean you have to listen, regardless of who’s doing the talking. The chatter distorts the truth until you lose perspective. And every time you believe a lie, something inside you dies,” he says with such confidence. He’s got this ingrained in him now, but I wonder how long it took for him to get it. I fear a long road of reprogramming ahead of me. “You have to start with a new premise. If you start with Addison’s premise, you’ll lose every time because all it will do is make you feel like you’re not enough. If you always start with a premise that’s grounded in the reality of how truly amazing you are,
just
as you are, you can’t go wrong.”

“You make it sound so easy,” I tell him. “I was angry enough with Addison to let my rage drive me to say and do the things I did, but in reality, I don’t know if I can be that strong all the time.” I look down and fidget with my fingers.

“That’s where my tattoos come in.” Miller scoots away from me and takes his shirt off. I have to admit that Addy was right about his tattoos making him hotter.

“What
do they all mean?” I ask, scanning the top of his back and shoulders, and down his arm.

“Well
… I’d be lying if I said they all had some deep and prolific meaning,” he chuckles. “It took a butterfly and two flowers before I stopped wagering tattoos on pool games, and when I had to admit that I was terrible at pool. There’s one that’s an inside joke between me and Mikey, and one girl’s name. I was very drunk that night and I’ve since had it turned into something else.”

“What about the others?”

“The others? They’re truths. Truths about who I am. Truths about what those who matter most have to say about me. And reminders that my life is precious and not to be wasted.” Miller opens his arm, revealing the tattoo of the girl. “This is Kara, and that’s what she’s here to remind me of.” She looks young and beautiful with dirty blonde hair neatly straightened and disappearing behind her shoulders. It looks like a school picture. I can’t help but wonder how long before she took her life was she sitting and smiling sweetly like this.

“Tell me about the
rest of them,” I request with a quiet voice as I trace my fingers over different designs and words.

Miller smiles softly as he takes my hand and
places it on his chest over his heart where the word
kairos
is written in thick block letters. I feel his heartbeat and mine starts racing. I catch his eye and it feels like this is one of those moments that could turn into something else if we aren’t careful. Not that I necessarily want to be careful. “This is a Greek word for time. Not chronological time, but the right moment or opportunity. It reminds me that I have to recognize the moments that come along that are almost divine, or serendipitous. Really, every moment has the potential to be a kairos moment.”

My eyes graze over his arm and up to his elbow. Just above the bend is a sentence that encircles his arm
with a thick line above and below it. “My suffering does not define who I am,” I read aloud.

“That’s to remind me that I am more than a guy who had parents who should have never had kids
. I’m more than ‘the brother of that girl who killed herself.’” His voice is strong and confident and it makes me hopeful for my recovery. “This one, though … this one is my favorite.” Miller runs his finger down the inside of his forearm. Among all of the other words and designs everywhere else on his arm, this is a single line, seemingly set apart.

“I have nothing t
o prove, and only one to please.” I lower my chin to my chest. “I’ve spent my whole life trying to prove myself to Addison. I don’t know what it feels like to have nothing to prove.”

“Kinley.” Miller turns to face me completely and takes my face in his hands. “There is only one person you have to please. As long as that’s happening
, screw everyone else, even me. You will never hear me tell you that you have to be anything other than who you are. You were made perfectly and it’s not anyone on this earth’s job to change you. In fact, I’d prefer that you stay exactly as you are forever.”

Miller’s eyes dive into mine and the only thing I want to do is pick back up to the moments before I caught Cal with Tiffany.
Once again, Miller Conrad has found a way to reach in and quench my thirsty soul. I try to think of some way I can thank him for being the first person to give me permission to breathe. I say the first thing that comes to mind and hope it conveys everything I want it to.

“Green light.”

Miller smiles and his lips are on mine in a second. His kiss is warm and comforting. It’s soft and passionate, and as our lips move together I feel a rush of excitement bolt through my whole body. I reach up and put my hand on his chest over his kairos tattoo. The way that Miller is holding and kissing me definitely feels like a divine moment.

This is an entirely different feeling than when I kissed Cal.
Every
feeling with Miller is different than with Cal. I’m not afraid of Miller’s hands on me. I’m not worried that when he moved his hand to my waist that he felt the little roll there and is just waiting until he can move it to someplace that feels sexier. And I know that Miller is kissing me because he wants to, not because he’s doing me some grand favor. This is the kiss I’ve been waiting for my whole life.

Tears sting my eyes as the culmination of all my thoughts peaks inside me: I don’t have to settle. I can have everything I ever wanted and more.
I can do more than just survive, and I’m going to do just that. I’m not only going to survive this, I’m going to destroy it so it never happens to me again.

Miller and I talked and kissed until dark. Neither of us had a flashlight so we talked
until it was so dark you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face on the moonless night. We could have never made it back to The Lodge in the dark, so at some point we fell asleep. It was chilly in the night but Miller’s arms kept me warm. We didn’t say anything when we woke with the sun. We just stayed exactly as we were and watched the sunrise together again.

It’s true
what they say about things becoming clearer in the morning. There’s something about a good night’s sleep that enables you to allow your body and mind time to calm down. It’s hard to see things as they are when your emotions are freaking out. I know I’ll have to talk calmly with Addison, and apologize for how I handled things. I won’t apologize for being furious at what she did to me; she needed to know how what she did shattered me.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Miller says to me with a kiss to the top of my head.

“Good morning,” I reply, leaning into him a little more. He pulls me in and I feel his arm tighten around me. This is the safest I think I have ever felt. I really don’t want this to ever end.

“I guess we should get back.
How are you feeling this morning?” Miller asks as we separate ourselves from each other.

“I feel
… okay. Now that the height of the situation has passed, and my emotional roller coaster has stopped, I think I can handle things with Addy. I’ll need to talk with her again at some point. She may have completely betrayed me, but she’s my sister. I owe it to her to tell her I’m walking away from our dysfunctional relationship,” I tell him. I arch and twist my back to work out the kink that formed in the night. The ramifications of leaning against Miller as he leaned against a boulder all night are not fun.

“Do you need me to do anything?” he asks.

“Maybe just be there with me? I don’t know what she’s going to say or do and my ability to filter out the chatter that is Addison is only hours old.” I pause for a moment, needing to say something to Miller but not sure how to say it. “Miller, um … it could be a while before I’m able to fight off those voices … the chatter. The green light is super bright, but I want to give you an out if you’re not feeling up to …”

Miller cuts me off by taking me in his arms and holding me. “Shut up, Kinley. I’m here for you and I don’t have any plans of leaving you to wade through the battlefield
of your mind all by yourself. In fact, I don’t really have any plans of leaving … period.”

“This is also a new concept for me, so, as long as you’re going to stick around, be patient. I know I’ll get there, but it’s going to be an uphill battle.” I tighten my hold around Miller’s waist and soak in the happiness.

I pull out my ponytail and tie it up again three or four times before I get it so there aren’t lumpy pieces mountaining across my head. Miller gets slightly impatient with how long it’s taking me because it’s keeping him from being able to hold my hand. My heart flutters with each of his exasperated breaths.

We stop when The Lodge comes into view, both knowing that we’re about to enter a tense situation. I don’t know if Addy is going to be rude and completely oblivious, or if by some miracle she’s thought about what she did to me and has any repentance in her heart for how she hurt me. I’m fairly sure Cal feels terrible about the whole thing, so I’m not concerned I need to be worried about how Miller will respond to him.
But I behaved so crazily in front of everyone that I’m now feeling embarrassed. It was totally out of character for me and I’m sure I’m about to get some looks.

Miller tightens his grip on my hand and I nod at him as we take the first steps forward.

No one is really up yet so we step quietly into the house. When we reach the top of the stairs Mia is coming out of the bathroom.

“So I guess the idea of giving up your V card in the woods wasn’t as bad an idea as you originally thought,” she says, giving us the onceover with narrow eyes.

“Back off, Mia. It’s not what you think,” Miller says, defending us even though there’s nothing to defend.

“Hey
, I’m not judging. You can screw around with whoever you want. I mean, you could have done Cal Harper, but …” she begins again.

“Shut up, Mia. Leave my sister alone,” I hear Addy say from her bedroom door. I turn and make eye contact with her, searching for more of where her defense of me came from. Her face is soft, almost defeated, and that makes me happy. It means that there is some hope that she’s on her way to understanding.

“Whatever,” Mia says as she scoots past me and Miller and walks into her room.

I don’t say anything to Addy. It’s not the time or the place to get back into it with her, even if it would be a much more clam approach. I take Miller’s hand and walk to the end of the hall where my room is. I creek the door open and see Amy asleep on her bed and Pete, Bridget, Carrie, and Matthew scattered around the room between the floor and my bed.

“Don’t let it be said that you don’t have any friends,” Miller chuckles.

“Oh my God! Where have you been?” Amy says loudly as she bolts upright in her bed.

“Holy crap, Amy!” Matthew scolds.

“What the hell?” Pete says as he pulls my pillow over his face on my bed.

Bridget rolls over on the floor in her makeshift bed and sees me. “Kinley! You’re okay! We were so worried!”

At hearing my name, the others twist and turn and stretch to try and wake up. They slowly sit up and the questioning begins. “Did you get lost or something?”
Carrie asks.

“No, I didn’t get lost. I left the pavilion and walked to the spot where Miller and I watched the sunrise last week.
Then, Miller found me there,” I tell them with a smile on my face. “It got dark and neither of us had a flashlight, so we were kind of stuck out there.”

“Are you okay?” Pete asks me. “Is she okay?” he immediately reiterates to Miller.

“She can answer for herself, but I think she’s doing great,” he answers, squeezing my hand.

“I am doing great. Between Amy’s motherly psych session and Miller’s advice, I think I’m going to be better
than I ever have been, actually,” I tell him.

“’Cuz I can grab Dave and we can kick anyone’s ass that needs to be kicked. Seriously, Kin
… Cal’s kind of overdue.” Pete stands up and stretches his back and neck like he’s preparing for a fight.

“There will be no ass-kicking, but I appreciate the gesture. I really just want to close out the last week and a half here on as high a note as I possibly can. So, just keep being awesome friends and that’s definitely going to happen.” Hugs go all around and Pete and Matthew leave me with the girls and Miller.

“I’m going to take a shower,” he says to me. “I’ll see you at breakfast, okay?”

“I’ll save you a seat,” I tell him. Miller kisses me on the top of my head and closes the door behind him.

“Alright. Spill it, girl! What happened out there?” Bridget asks anxiously.

I smile and laugh at her excitement
, then sit on my bed that now smells like Pete after a day of hiking. Lovely.

“There are no juicy details to spill,” I tell them. “I was really upset and Miller came to help.”

“And now you two are an item?” Amy asks with wide eyes.

“Wait. What?” Carries say. “How did I miss that?”

“They were standing here holding hands! How
did
you miss that?” Bridget chimes.

“Yes, I guess you could say we’re an item,” I blush.

“How did that happen? I mean, things were intense out at the pavilion, and Cal looked pretty bad.” Bridget sits on my bed and crosses her legs. “What went down out there?”

“You didn’t tell them?” I ask Amy.

“I just told them Addison added the final straw and you were fighting back,” she answers. “I only know what Pete told me anyway. So…what’s the story?”

“Addy asked Cal to do her a favor and show some interest in me. She was pulling the strings the w
hole time. He was never into me. I wasn’t really feeling it anyway and was on my way to break things off with him when I ran into Miller. I told him how I felt about him but I didn’t feel right doing anything about it until I had talked to Cal. Turns out I didn’t have to talk to Cal because we caught him and Tiffany going at it in a canoe,” I tell them. Feigned looks of shock paint their faces when I tell them about Cal’s cheating. “Alright, alright. Yes. You were all right about Cal being a total douchebag. The worst part was that he and I had been good friends and he let Addy manipulate him into lying to me. He ruined everything because he listened to her. Part of me, though, wants to cut him some slack because I know just how manipulative Addison can be. It can be hard to say no to her.”

“I’m sorry it went down the way it did, but I’m not sorry it went down,” Bridget says. “You deserve so much better than Cal, and you deserve better than Addison. I know she’s your sister, but that doesn’t mean you have to take her crap.”

“I think I know that now,” I say with a smile.

“And
it looked like Miller helped you realize that,” Carrie says, nudging me on the bed. “What’s the scoop on that?”

“He did.” I try to keep from grinning like a fool, but it’s hard not to. “He’s really awesome. He likes me for who I am. He even told me not to change at all. That was right before he kissed me.” Squeals erupt from the girls and for the first time I’m the focus of a Grease-like “Tell Me More” performance. They ask about the details and I give them the highlights. I keep most of the details of our conversation to myself because most of it was so personal for both of us. But I don’t hold back too much when I describe what an amazing feeling it was to be really kissed by Miller.

“I’m so happy for you, Kinley,” Amy says. “You totally deserve this.”

“Thanks. You guys have really been there for me. I’m going to miss you when we’re all gone again. I think we’ll have to start using Skype so we can all talk together!”

We make promises about staying in better touch this year before getting ourselves together for the day. Miller and I end up almost colliding at the bottom of the stairs in The Lodge on our way out. Laughing, he takes my hand and we walk with our friends to breakfast. Cal approaches me and barely gets my name out before Miller looks at him and simply says, “Don’t.” Avoiding a conflict, Cal just nods and walks away.

Breakfast is uneventful. Addy and Cal take their places at their usual table, leaving me and my friends completely alone.
Cal looks rough. Unlike Addison, I can see he feels badly about what happened. He’s quiet and his eyes are dark, like he didn’t get any sleep. She doesn’t look at me once, but is back to her fake Addison self, laughing and smiling and pushing her boobs in Alan’s face. If they haven’t already, she’ll bed him before the week is out.

I used to look at Addy and wish I had her confidence. There’s no way I’d take even an ounce of it now. Miller was right. Her confidence is all a farce as she overcompensates. It’s sad, really. There’s so much potential for Addison to be more than she is. I wonder how she would feel if I started trying to mold and shape her into being more like
me
. Well, more like the person I’m becoming. That would be an interesting turn of events.

*****

I’ve been trying to catch up with Margaret for a few days. Now that things have calmed down and I’m on the other side of the Addy and Cal explosion, I feel mentally stable enough to talk to, well, most people. I kept quiet for a day or so just to get my bearings. There were occasions where I had to really stop and ask myself if I was doing or not doing something based on what I had been trained to do or not do by Addison. Getting dressed was an issue. I usually just pulled out outfits that Addy put together whether I liked them or not. I was a hot mess for two days, but once I slowed down and took my time picking things out, I didn’t do too badly.

“There’s my little wordsmith!” I say to Margaret as I find her coming out of the dining hall. “Finish your toothpick replica of the Eifel Tower already?”

“We’re making pretty stamped stationary today since we all leave in a few days. I’m kind of sad, which I wasn’t expecting to feel. My cabin mates and I have grown very close. We definitely have a strong mizpah,” she says.

“I’m guessing that has something to do with friendship?” I speculat
e at the meaning of the strange word she’s used.

“Oh, that’s close!
” she says excitedly at my quasi interpretation. “It’s a deep, emotional bond between people, especially those separated by distance. The girls all live so far away from me. I’m afraid I’ll never see them again. They were all so kind to me. Kinder than any of the girls at home every have been.” Margaret twists her mouth to the side as she considers the life she’s going home to.

“Can I give you a little advice that I just got from some very wise friends?” Margaret nods and smiles hopefully. “Shut out all the voices that don’t affirm who you are. Unless they’re saying things that are reminding you of how smart and wonderful and worthy you are, they aren’t worth listening to.”

“Thanks, Kinley.” Margaret wraps her arms around my waist. I’ll have to let Amy and Miller know that I’m passing along their wisdom to the next generation. A strong breeze blows through the camp, whipping around the buildings and through the trees. “Do you hear that?”