As I Am (13 page)

At breakfast, the division between our friends is clear. I sit down at an empty table and am quickly joined by Carrie, Bridget, Amy, and Matthew.
Dave and Pete follow close behind, but Cal takes his regular seat with Brandon and Ted and the rest of Addison’s group. He looks at me and smiles, but doesn’t seem bothered by me not sitting with him. Not even a quizzical look.

“So, who’s going to fill us in on why we’re avoiding the others? I mean, not that I mind
all that much. And will there be any ass-kicking involved?” Pete says.

“Addison rammed the insensitive bitch train into Kinley
’s heart last night,” Amy tells him. I give her a stern look and she shrugs. “What? She did!”

“Cool. Well, not cool. But I’m all for presenting a united front against bitchery,” Pete answers with a smile.

“Hey, everybody … Kinley,” Miller says, approaching our table. He grins at me and it feels like I just relived the joy of our morning all over again. “What’s going on?”

“Miller! I’m over here!
I saved you a seat!” Addy calls before anyone can answer Miller. Addy bats her eyes and leans forward on the table, her arms folded and pushing her boobs up in her low cut T-shirt. Classic Addy.

“She saved you a seat,” I say to him.

“I heard her,” Miller says as he sets his tray on the table and sits down next to me. “Are you going to tell me what happened?” he whispers to me.

“
No,” I tell him. Explaining Addison’s cruelty to me is all Miller needs to solidify the assessment of Addison I’d been so strongly arguing against. He needs to make his decision about Addy based on his own experience. Miller nods and we all move on in random conversation. Dave gives us a little too much information on his womanizing, causing all of us to jokingly chastise him for preying on unsuspecting newbie counselors, and Bridget and Carrie begin to shoo us all out so they can get a head start on pulling out craft supplies. They’re building the obligatory camp birdhouse today and it’s apparently much more involved than the tongue depressor frames they made the other day.

“Do you need any help?” I ask them as the rest of my friends make their way to their assigned activities.

“No, we’re good,” Carrie says.

“Yeah, we strategized the other day about how to get it all out and set up without going insane. Now we’re just crossing our fingers that no one loses
theirs
during this project!” Bridget continues.

“As long as you’re sure! Let me at least get some shots of you two before I head out.” I pull out my camera take some pictures of the girls sorting supplies, and then a few nice ones of my two friends who didn’t hesitate to come to my side last night.

I leave them to their duties and begin my walk across the camp to the hiking trail when I see Margaret sitting on the steps to her cabin. She’s hugging her knees and looks pretty sad. I don’t want to immediately intrude, but think that maybe all she needs is someone to interact with her and cheer her up.

“Hey
, Margaret! What’s the word of the day?” I ask. She’s been giving me a new, interesting word every day that I see her.

“Hi
. Kinley. Um … how about metanoia? It means the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life,” she says with not as much enthusiasm as she has on previous days.

“You have no idea how timely that word is for me,” I tell her as I sit next to her on the steps. “I had a bit of a falling out with someone and I think I’m in the midst of this
metanoia
.” She makes a tightlipped smile and nods only slightly. “Are you alright, Margaret? You seem a little out of sorts today? Is it the girls in your cabin? Are they giving you any trouble?”

“No, they’re fine. I’m just
… I don’t really know how to put it. I think I may have alexithymia today. That’s the inability to express feelings through words,” she immediately explains, knowing I won’t have a clue what she’s talking about.

“Well, I’m here if you need anyone one to talk to.
You want to walk over to the hiking trail with me?” I ask.

“No!”
she says, standing with purpose.

“Hey
, it’s okay,” I tell her in as calm a tone as I can even though I’m taken totally off-guard here. I don’t understand why she’s reacting this way.

“I’m not going out there! I’m not!”
Margaret begins walking away swiftly before it quickly turns into a jog and then a run. I’m so stunned at how fast this exchange escalated that I don’t respond in enough time to catch her.

“Wait! Margaret! I’m sorry, I
…” I call after her as she runs toward the lake. I didn’t mean to upset her. I have to find out what happened. After that first-day encounter with her snobby cabin mates, everything has seemed to be fine. I’ve watched her engage with other kids and look like she was fitting in, but maybe I wasn’t reading things right.

“Hey! What’s going on?” Miller asks, finding me in a bewildered state.

“It’s Margaret. Something happened … I don’t know,” I answer him, shaking my head, still confused by what just transpired.

“Do you want me to
…”

“No, no. I’ll find her and talk to her later. I think it’s a girl thing,” I tell him.

“Okay, well … I just wanted to check on you,” he says softly. “Amy told me what happened between you and Addison …” he begins.

“I can’t
talk to you about this, Miller,” I say, cutting him off.

“Why not?”

“Because. It’s too …it’s too …”

“It’s too what?” he prompts, stepping forward and catching my eyes with his.

“It’s too … embarrassing.”

Miller thinks for a moment, never unlocking his eyes from mine. “Something is only embarrassing if you’re worried about
other people think.”

“So I suppose you
never get embarrassed?” I challenge in my nervousness.

“N
o, I don’t … not anymore. One of the reasons I was never home as a kid was because I was too embarrassed about my parents. I didn’t want people to see my dad treat us all like crap, or my mom so drunk she could barely form a coherent statement. Things had to change for me, and they have to change for you, too, Kinley. Until they do, you’ll spend your life caring about what everyone else thinks, and have no idea what you think.”

“I think for myself!” I raise my voice at his accusation. “Are you saying I can’t think for myself?”

“I know you can, it’s that you
won’t
!” he counters. “You’re letting the obnoxious, unrealistic worldview of your sister dictate how you feel about yourself.”

“See! I knew if you found out what Addy did you would close yourself off to her even more!”

“I don’t need what she did to you to close me off to her! I don’t want her! When are you going to get that through your thick skull? You are so freaking oblivious!” he shouts.

“
Well,” I begin, flustered at how quickly this conversation has escalated. “Addison and I just hit a bump in the road. We’re sisters. It’s happens.” Even as the words leave my mouth I know they aren’t true. What happened with Addison last night is worse than any bump we’ve ever hit before. And even though I know Miller is right, I just can’t bring myself to agree with him in this moment. “My sister loves me. And I feel fine about myself.”

“She’s got a funny way of showing it,” he says, disdain dripping from his lips. “
And if the flat-out disrespectful words of your own sister send tears down your face, then you might need to reevaluate what feeling fine about yourself really means. You’re so much more than you give yourself credit for, Kinley. When you see that, when you see all you are … you’ll be poetry.”

Miller leaves me stand
ing there in the grass, his words lingering and echoing in my ears. I search my feelings and look for the words I want to pummel him with, but I’m not angry and I don’t want to pummel him with anything. It’s like a light has been turned on and every time I talk to Miller he pushes the dimmer up a little more. I’m seeing things between Addy and me in a way I never have before. I might even be seeing myself differently. It’s enlightening, revolutionary, life-changing … and scary as hell. Also … I think I like it.

It takes me a minute to collect myself and realize that I need to apologize to Miller. We’ve been growing closer and if he’s as fond of our friendship as I am, I can’t expect him to not be upset or defensive about me getting hurt. I let Amy and Bridget run defense with Addy for me last night and it felt awesome. I need to let him in. I
want
to let him in.

By the time I get to the hiking trail the group has already left. Trying to catch up will only make me super sweaty and totally out of breath. So, I get some new shots at the pavilion
of the kids playing games like Freeze Dance and Four Square, and then a couple of Cal and Alan at the climbing wall before I go over to the lake. There is always the biggest group of kids at the lake so there are great options for new photos here.

I
get standard shots where the girls in bathing suits with wet, stringy hair have their arms draped over each other’s shoulders and are all smiles. I also do some posed candids. I ask the kids to keep doing what they were doing while I take their picture. They aren’t completely candid since the kids know I’m taking their picture, but they are more aware of their actions and facial expressions, so I get a bigger smile or a more exaggerated move as they dig with a shovel in the small, sandy shoreline.

Addy has looked over at me from her lifeguard post at least a dozen times in the last
fifteen minutes. I want to yell to her to keep her eyes on the lake before a kid drowns, but that’s exactly what she wants me to do. She wants me to fall back into our routine, the routine where I look out for her, the routine where she gets to say and do whatever she wants, and I live my life being her puppet. I can’t do that anymore.

“Think you two will be ok
ay?” Miller asks, walking over and catching me watching Addy pretend to care about her job.

“I don’t know,” I tell him.
It’s an honest answer. Addy and I have never been in this place before. Usually Addy just says whatever she wants and I go along. This time is different though. Addy crossed a line I never dreamed she’d cross and I have no idea what to do.

“Do you think
we’ll
be okay?”

“Yes,” I say
quickly with confidence.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” he says. “I was out of line.”

“You weren’t … you were right.
I’m
sorry. It’s hard to explain, Miller, but this has been my life: being Addison’s twin, yet living her in her shadow. I’m not sure I know how to exist without her like that, but … that’s all I want right now. It’s sad, but all I want in this moment to be as separate from her as possible.”

We stand there near the edge of the water
in silence for a while. Addy keeps looking back at us from her lifeguard post, unsure if she should pose for Miller or shoot me the questioning looks she had been. It’s nice standing here with Miller. Comforting. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m also enjoying how my being here with Miller is making Addy squirm.

The sound of an old
-time alarm clock rings through the camp speakers to tell the kids it’s time to come in and clean up for lunch. The speakers are placed throughout the entire camp so even the kids at the climbing wall or out on the hiking trail hear it. Moans of displeased children echo as the kids don’t want to come out of the water. It’s a little hotter today than it has been and the lake is just where these kids want to be. They’re also bummed because after lunch they have to switch to another activity.

“I gotta go,” Miller tells me, motioning to the
where the life jackets and canoes have been piling up. We both notice his fellow newbie counterparts giving him the evil eye and chuckle.

“Right. You better go. Thanks, Miller,” I tell him.

“For what?”

“For being my friend
.”

Miller walks away and
I take pictures of kids I think I haven’t gotten yet as they come out of the water. I send some of them back in to give me splashing-and-jumping-in-the-water-holding-hands shots, which makes them happy because it gets them back in the water. When I’m sure I’ve got enough shots I thank the kids and send them on their way. I’m headed up the path to the dining hall when I hear Addison call my name.

“Are you going to talk to me?” she says, catching up to me.

“What?” I ask curtly. Addy stares at me for a minute, taken off-guard once again by my new attitude.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but
… I want you to stay away from Miller,” she tells me. Unbelievable! After what happened last night,
of course
the first words out of her mouth would be about her!

“Excuse me? Since when do you care about who I hang around? Oh, wait, that’s right! This guy has no interest in you, so the last thing your ego can handle is him wanting to be
my
friend!” I snap at her.