As I Am (24 page)

*****

Longest. Class. Ever. I thought Pendleton would never shut up. I feel badly about being so short with Jared when he approached me, but I had to go back to my dorm and throw a few things in my overnight bag in case I’m not left heartbroken and scurrying back to the airport to catch the redeye home. I would have packed before class but between my back pack and camera, adding my overnight bag was just too much to carry.

The arts building is ten blocks from my dorm so I step to the curb to hail a cab. Cab after cab whizzes by, leaving me looking like an idiot as I flail my hand in desperation. It’s
3:45 pm and Addy’s presentation starts in fifteen minutes. I don’t know if she’s going first or not so I’m starting to stress.

A cab finally pulls up to the curb. I shout the address and I barely get the door closed before he’
s zooming off. I didn’t even tell him I was in a hurry, but he’s weaving in and out of traffic and I’m pretty sure he ran two lights. Despite his Mario Andretti driving skills, I’m still twenty minutes late for the show. I follow the signs and pray to God that Addy is going last.

I sneak up to the door to the auditorium and peek through the window. There are a few girls crossing the stage like it’s a runway, and another girl standing at the podium. Thank you, God! It’s not Addy. I pull the door open as quietly as I can and find a seat. It’s not a huge room, able to seat only about a hundred people, and by my estimation, the room is about half full.

I put my overnight bag at my feet and my sweater on as I wait for this girl to be done. Her designs are okay, but I know they won’t compare to Addison’s. She finally finishes and receives a lackluster response from the audience. Either everyone thought her designs were mediocre, or most of the audience is filled with Addison’s friends.

“Thank you, Ashley. That was your most creative venture yet,” the polite instructor says. “Now for what I
believe is a fresh approach to fashion by Addison Carmichael.”

I applaud with the crowd as Addy takes her place at the podium. She looks a little nervous as she scans the room. I think she’s looking to see if I’m here, so I sit up straight and raise my hand just up to my ear. I catch her eye and her whole body seems to relax. She takes a deep breath and begins to read from her index cards.

“For years, fashion has been driven by what some genius designer in Paris or London or New York thinks the women of the world want and need. They create designs based on the body type of an emaciated fifteen-year-old girl and market them without blinking an eye. Does that seem as backwards to you as it does me? Well, it didn’t used to sound so backwards to me. There was a time when I bought into the philosophy that truly beautiful women could wear these delusional designs.” Addy looks straight at me in the audience and gives me a small smile. “Not anymore.

“Fashion should accentuate and accessorize the beauty a woman holds within her heart and soul
, because, let’s face it, we’ve all me a gorgeous model who turns into a super bitch the moment she opens her mouth. This evening I’d like to introduce to you a line of clothing that virtually
any
woman can wear. A line of clothing that will make any woman, no matter what size she wears, feel amazing. After all, size is just a stupid number. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kinley Couture.”

I watch as two girls walk to the front of the stage. One girl is as small as Addy is. Th
e other girl is at least a size fourteen. They are wearing the exact same outfit. Addy leaves the podium and meets the two girls who are standing center-stage.

“Lena is wearing the original cut of this outfit. The pants have a low rise and rest below her waist. The top has cap sleeves and is narrowly shaped through the waist. Katrina on the other hand is not built like a flat-chested, twelve-year-old girl
…” Both Addy and Lena chuckle. “So, she needs more room in the bust. You’ll see we’ve also extended the length of the sleeve so it’s shorter than a standard short-sleeve, but longer than a cap sleeve. The pants also have a longer rise, but will still rest just below her waist. Thank you, girls.”

Tears well up in my eyes and I have to fight from morphing into the ugly cry. I can’t believe what I witnessing.
My
sister has created a clothing line that
anyone
can wear. No wonder she wanted me to be here tonight. This is her olive branch. This is her way of telling me that she gets it.

“Next, Brynn and Elise are going to show you how to totally fab up your Friday night!” Addy seems even more at ease, and even a little excited now that she’s gotten through the first set of girls. She’s probably seen my reaction, too, which I would imagine is a relief for her.

Two more girls walk out in gorgeous red dresses and this time the smaller of the two looks like she could be a healthy size ten, while the other girl is easily a sixteen, or maybe an eighteen. And just like the two girls before them, they are both beautiful.

“Brynn’s
sleeveless dress tapers in at the natural waist and has a flared skirt. Elise’s dress has a slightly longer cap sleeve, a higher waist, and an A-line skirt. Essentially it’s the same dress, just cut differently to accentuate the best features of each girl.”

The girls walk off the stage and Addy resumes her place at the podium.
“I know it seems like an unconventional idea to create a line of couture that ranges in size from zero to twenty, but it
must
be done. It’s time. In fact, my dream is to make it possible to customize this line to
any
size.” Addy sighs and looks down. When her head comes back up, she finds me again and I make a point to lock my eyes on her. If ever we were going to have that unexplainable telekinesis that twins have, now would be the time so she would know that I see what she’s doing and am overwhelmed with joy. “Really,” she continues. “It’s not about the clothes. It’s not about the number on the label. It’s about realizing that we need to care more about whether a person is kind and compassionate or if they’re mean and heartless. At the end of our lives, no one cares who you’re wearing at your funeral. They care who you were, how you spent your life. So let’s spend our lives making women everywhere accentuate and accessorize their beautiful souls with Kinley Couture. Thank you.”

This might seem like a weird way to say you’
re sorry, but for Addy it’s huge. She took a risk with her grades … with her career. She took everything she has ever said to me about fashion and turned it on its head. It seems that these months apart have been as evolutionary for Addy as they have been for me.

Addy’s instructor thanks the audience
, but it’s difficult to hear her above the thunderous applause. A few people even give her a standing ovation. The crowd begins to disperse but I stay in my seat, waiting for Addison to emerge from behind the stage. When she does, she stops and watches to see what I’m going to do. I stand, grab my bag, and walk down the aisle. She moves toward me and we seem to meet in symbolically in the middle.

“Kinley
…”

I throw my arms around her neck, cutting her off. “That was amazing, Addy. Thank you.” We stand there holding each other like long
-lost sisters, finally meeting for the first time.

“I’m so
sorry, Kinley. I never wanted to hurt you.” She tilts her head back and flutters her eyes, trying to keep the tears from coming. “I hated the way people looked at us and judged you. Ever since we were kids. I remember being eleven and swearing I wasn’t going to let anyone judge you again. The problem was that I thought the way to make that happen, was for you to look like me. I mean, all I ever heard was how pretty I was. That sounds nice until you realize no one thinks you’re smart.

“
The more effort I put into trying to change you, the more determined I became. It was like a mission and it wasn’t about you anymore. It was about achieving some Eliza Doolittle transformation. And you went along with it … because you loved me, and you believed that I loved you. And I did. I do. But I made you question that, and I’m so, so sorry.”

Tears stream down Addy’s face. She wipes them delicately in her Addison way to reduce the chance of forming wrinkles.
She’s broken and that’s a good thing. She had to get to a point where her whole heart and mindset changed.

“I missed you so much, Kin. I didn’t miss dressing you or giving you pointers on how to reduce your calorie intake, or even sending you over to talk to some cute guy for me. I missed sitting on the floor of our room eating popcorn and watching terrible movies. I missed having someone to talk to about Dad and Christine. I missed sitting quietly with you while we both read. I just missed your whole presence.”

“I missed you, too. But I missed the little girl who would swing with me on the playground. I missed the girl who refused to do gymnastics unless her sister could do it, too. I missed the girl who made sure I never ate lunch alone.” I smile and take Addy’s hands in mine. “But … it looks like that girl might be back, and that makes me really, really happy.”

Addison smiles, but it fades quickly. “Kin
, I can’t tell you how sorry I am about what happened with Cal. I really thought …”

“It’s over, Addy. Cal and I are great. You and I are great,” I assure her.

“I don’t know what else I have to do, but whatever it is … I’ll do it.”

“It’s over. We are both in a different, eternally better place than we were three months ago. Let’s just live in that and move on.” I don’t give her a chance to argue by taking her in my arms again and hugging her harder than I ever have before. When
I release her, she pats her face dry again and smiles a purely happy smile.

“Um, Kin
… what’s up with the bag?” she asks curiously.

“Well
… I made up my mind. I’m going to see Miller,” I tell her confidently.

“Kinley, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” Addy expresses her protest again but the feeling is very different now that we’ve made amends. Even yesterday when I saw that she was changing, I was still so guarded. All that has changed for us now.

“I appreciate your concern, but the ticket has been bought and there’s no going back.” She sighs and looks like she’s about to strenuously object to my plan again, but I stop here. “Listen, Addy … this whole making-my-own-choices thing is new to me. I was so used to hanging on every word you said before I made a move. Now that I’m taking control of my life, I am going to do some leaping, and I might not always look first. But it feels good to know that if I walk outside in an outfit that’s a hot mess, it’s
my
hot mess. And if I go down to Georgia and everything with Miller blows up in my face, at least I can know that I lit the fuse.”

“Okay,” she says agreeably
with a smile.

“You want to ride to the airport with me?” I ask with a smile.

“I can’t. I’ve got clean up here. But there are some sketches I’d love your feedback on! Do you have time before you have to go?”

“Sure. I’d love to check them out,” I tell her. Addy smiles and we walk out into the hallway. “I can’t believe you came up with this line!”

“It’s really your idea. We used to look fashion magazines and you would say that you wished those runway outfits came in a size actual, real people wear. I realized that you were right and there was no reason someone couldn’t make that happen. You were my inspiration. You
are
my inspiration, and I would do anything for you, Kinley.” Addy’s voice is soft and warm as she smiles peacefully at me.

She opens the door to another room and motions for me to enter first. There is what looks like a clothes line stretching along one short wall with sketches hanging from it on individual clips. Only, the sketches aren’t of Addison’s designs.

The sketches are of me.

And Miller is standing at the end of the room.

“I told you it wasn’t a good idea to go to Georgia.” Addy raises her eyebrows with her smile and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

I swallow hard and look at Miller standing nervously across the room.
He’s wearing jeans and a baseball shirt with black sleeves, and Chucks. My heart races. I can’t decide if I’m going to yell at him or if I’m going to run and crush my lips against his.

My bag drops out of my hand and lands with a soft thud.

“Hello,” he says nervously.

“Hello,” I
answer with equal trepidation.

“What’s with the bag?” he asks. Miller closes the gap between us, separating us by only a few feet.

“Funny enough, I was about to get on a plane to come find you.”

“That is a coincidence, isn’t it?” Miller smiles and I resist the urge to kiss him.

“I wouldn’t have had to do that if you hadn’t disappeared on me.” I cross my arms in front of me, making sure Miller knows I’m serious.

“I’m sorry, Kinley. I was in bad place and I just needed to clear my head.”

“You could have done that with me. I wasn’t so messed up that I couldn’t have helped you the way you helped me,” I say defensively. “What? Did you think that because I was dealing with my own crap there was no way that I could have been there for you?”