As I Close My Eyes (24 page)

Robert and Caroline were real. Rebecca, John, Mrs. Bigsley, and Grace all existed and these dreams I was having were more than just dreams. What was happening to me? And how had I come to be in the car of a present-day man who bore an uncanny resemblance to the man from the 1800s in a town I’d never been in until now? I, as Caroline, loved him then; and now, as Danielle, I loved him again.

Ben helped me to the car and I immediately lowered the back of my seat into a deep, reclined position so I could calm down.

“
Dani, this is all too much to take. You’re driving yourself crazy trying to figure all of this out and it’s literally making you sick.”

“
I know, but I need to come to a conclusion as to why this is all happening. It’s great that I can do this. I mean, who can? I don’t know of anyone who can. Do you? Nope. You don’t. So, why me? What am I supposed to do with this wealth of knowledge?” I was delirious. It had finally happened. I had cracked. Since the very first dream when I fell in the lake, I thought I had been pretty calm about everything. I didn’t freak out too much, I just really wanted to find out what it all meant. And now that I knew everything was real and actually happened, I couldn’t bear it. “Maybe I should have just left well enough alone and not made the trip to Cape May. I would have been happier in an ignorant state of confusion.”

“
Okay. Let’s take a deep breath for a moment. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love you. Not many guys would stay with a crazy person. Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy, you know,” Ben said through laughter.

With that, a smile came across my face for the first time all day. I had to hand it to him. Even through bouts of delusion, Ben could make me laugh at myself. He had a way of making a serious situation a bit lighter.

“
Let’s go back to the room and take it easy for the rest of the day. How about we get our bathing suits on and go to the beach for a while? Look, there’s a little mini-mart up ahead. I’ll run in and grab some sandwiches and waters for a picnic on the beach,” said Ben.

“
Yeah, that sounds perfect,” I replied with relief.

As Ben went inside the little corner store I tried to think of something else other than the fact that now I had a definitive date when Robert died. I never thought about the people I met in my dreams as actually dying and experiencing their death in real life. Up until the visit to the library, I had looked at the dreams as an alternate reality and there was still a small part of me that believed it was all just that
-
a dream
-
but it couldn’t be, not with the evidence we had just found. As I lay back, I looked around outside and took in the scenery. Cape May felt so familiar in parts, but it was mostly unrecognizable to me except for the homes they called “painted ladies”.

I picked up all of the pictures and documents we had copied at the library from the floor mat below my feet and flipped through them again until I found of a large hotel of some sort. I got a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach when I looked at it. Frowning, I studied it again.

It was massive, with hundreds of windows. It almost looked like someone took an old steamboat, chopped off the bottom part, and stuck it on land. Wooden arches framed every window and two giant steeples peaked from the roof. I could faintly make out a sign at the entrance and I thought it said, “Congress Hall.” Maybe it wasn’t a hotel, but a political meeting place back in the early 1900s. I wondered if it was still standing, and how I’d feel being inside if just looking at the picture sent chills through my body.

When we finally got back to the room, I wasn’t in the mood to be sexy. I just wanted to throw on my bathing suit and go, but Ben had other ideas. He watched me get changed in the bathroom through a small sliver of an opening between the wall and door. The news of Robert’s death had sent me into a tailspin and I quickly fell into a disparaging mood.

“
Are you okay in there?” Ben asked. “I could take your mind off of everything very easily.”

“
I’m sorry. It’s too much, Ben. It’s all too much.” I fell to the floor and he quickly came to my side, wrapping me in his arms. “I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why this is happening, but it is and I can’t take it anymore.” I collapsed onto him in a pitiful heap of sorrow.

After a few moments he broke the silence. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I wish I could help you. It’s just that sometimes it’s hard to deal with all of this. Imagine being me.”

In between shaky, stuttered breaths I responded. “I know. Let’s just get out of here.”

Ben stood and extended a hand to help me up. We packed up the sandwiches Ben bought in a small cooler with the two water bottles and headed to the beach for the rest of the day.

The sand beneath our feet was hot, so hot we had to put our flip-flops back on to walk to an open space where we could put down our towels and settle into the crowd. Lifeguards sat in high pastel-colored chairs on towers spaced a quarter-mile apart. It was always a regret of mine that I never spent a summer at the beach with my friends to earn some money in between my years at Gainesville. I knew I’d never get the chance to spend my days carefree on the beach for an entire three months now that life was taking me in a different direction.

“
Last one to the water buys the beer tonight,” said Ben, already in the lead.

“
Damn it,” I whispered to myself as I bounced to my feet and ran to catch up with him while disentangling myself from my cover-up.

And then, we were in water. Now I was ready to be sexy.

“
Do you realize that we have our best moments when we’re submerged in liquid?” I asked Ben as I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.

“
It must be our thing. I kinda like you wet,” he said as he kissed my face, then my lips. The world seemed to stop when Ben wrapped his arms around me.

A strange feeling suddenly came over me, and the people on the beach began to disappear. The sounds of the waves faded into silence, and before I could even begin to blink, the present dissolved. It was as if I was looking at a freshly-painted landscape that had gotten caught in the rain. The details blurred and slowly dripped away. I desperately tried to hold onto the present, but it disintegrated. The modern-day coastline, peppered with houses, was now a large beach with only a few buildings scattered upon it. In the distance, I could see Congress Hall, the building Rebecca and John stood in front of in the picture. I had flashed back to 1879.

*  *  *

“
Caroline, you look pale, my darling.” I looked up, and there stood Robert where Ben once held me. When I looked down at the ocean, I saw my humongous belly with our baby inside. Time had advanced and I must have been seven or eight months along now.

“
I’m fine,” I said.

“
You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me,” said Robert.

“
Can we go back to the beach and sit for a while?” I asked.

“
Sure,” he said as he led me out of the water. “Is there something you need me to do, Caroline?”

“
No, my dear. I’m just tired. This baby is taking the energy out of me and I have to lie down for a while.”

We got back to our blanket and umbrella and Robert pulled me close to him so I could rest. Cape May literally took the life out of me and I became engulfed in the past. So much so that the control I had before was completely lost. Now it felt as though Caroline didn’t really exist anymore as her own person. She
was
me.

Pain pierced my back at that moment and I let out a scream. Something was wrong.

“
Caroline, we have to get you to the doctor,” said Robert as he tried to bring me to my feet.

“
No, I can’t move. You have to go find the doctor and bring him here. This baby is coming right now. AHHHHHHHH!” The pain was so intense I thought I might pass out. With each flashback, I experienced something new and the feeling of hurt wasn’t something I could relate to in my dreams until now. “Oh Lord God, I can’t take this. This isn’t right. Robert, you have to go NOW. You have to go and get help, please!”

He didn’t say anything as he rushed away from me, looking for anyone who could assist us. I could hear him screaming for help as he ran farther and farther away from the place I knew my baby would be born.

When I looked down at the blanket that I laid on, I could see a rush of blood coming from in between my legs and I started to panic. At this point, a crowd of people had gathered around to witness what was happening. If I wasn’t in so much pain, I would have been greatly embarrassed. A petite woman sat by my side and held my hand until Robert returned with the town physician.

“
We have to get more blankets here. Preferably ones without sand,” said the doctor. People all around us scattered to gather up what they could. “Does anyone have fresh water?”

“
I do,” yelled another stranger willing to help.

“
AHHHHHHH,” I yelled. The pain was too much to bear and my hand was transferred from the petite woman to Robert’s. I assumed it was because I may have broken her hand from the force of squeezing it.

“
Listen to me. The baby is turned the wrong way. We cannot move you now. You have to do this on your own and it is going to hurt
-
a lot," said the doctor, not mincing words.

I took a deep breath as he reached inside and tried to turn our child. “NOOOOOOO. SSSSTOOPPPPPP.” I couldn’t take it anymore. Beads of sweat dripped down my face and I feared I might die. It crossed my mind that I may not survive in the present if I died in 1879. That thought took my breath away.

“
I need everyone to move away from here,” yelled the panicked doctor. “Robert, you have to be strong now. For your wife and your baby. Give her something to bite on.”
             

Robert tore off a piece of his shirt, rolled it up and placed it in my mouth. I began to hyperventilate just thinking about the pain that was about to overcome me. Robert stroked my forehead and held my hand very tightly as the doctor once again tried to extract the baby from my tired body.

The agony was too great and I passed out.

Chapter 23

The bright sun felt like a heat lamp on my face as my eyes tried to focus on the man holding me. Was it Robert or Ben?

“
Dani ... wake up, Dani.”

As my eyes fluttered open I could see that I was back in Cape May in the present.

“
Ben,” I said as I looked up, thankful I had made it back somehow and extremely relieved to be staring at the man I felt present love for.

“
You passed out in the ocean. I had to carry you to the sand. You scared the shit out of me.”

“
I don’t know what happened. One minute I was with you and the next, I was in Cape May in 1879 having a baby.”

“
What? You had a baby?”

“
Yeah, well, I think I did. I woke up before I actually had the baby. At least, before Caroline woke up and had the baby. Arghh! See, that’s the thing, half the time I’m not sure if I’m me or if I’m Caroline.” I sat up again and wiped the sweat from my forehead. “I wish I could control when I go. If I could do that, then it would make it a heck of a lot easier to discern when and where I am. It kills me that I haven’t told Mama any of this.”