As I Close My Eyes (33 page)

Dani,

I was falling in love with you and you just up and left in the middle of the night. I called your mom and found out where you went. You should have just talked to me instead of making up your own mind and leaving. I understand that you need your space. I don’t understand what’s going on with you either, but I love you and I would have worked it out if you had only let me in.

I hope you’re enjoying England. Check out The Key to the Past on Old Pye St. It’s the store I modeled my bookstore after.

Please let me know you’re okay. I can’t go on without knowing that you’re fine.

I’ll always love you,

Ben

What an ass I’d been. I could have handled the situation much better, but instead, I acted like a coward. Ben was right. I should have talked to him and we could have worked it out together. But I couldn’t worry about that now since I had a major paper due for Art History. I had to get my mind off Ben, which became harder and harder to do.

I decided to get to work on it in a small café just outside campus. I packed up my laptop and headed out of the dorm. Walking to the café, I thought about all of the romantic moments Ben and I had spent; the day in the candlelit cave, the drive to Cape May, our first time making love
-
I just hoped he’d wait for me.

It was dusk and the cobblestone streets of this section of London made me think about the centuries of people who had walked on them before me. My paper was supposed to be on how present art has been influenced by those of the past. I had way more to say than the five pages the assignment required.

I sipped a warm hot chocolate and made it to page three when I needed to give my hands a break from typing and my mind a break from thinking. I settled back into the chair and looked out at the street in front of me, watching the sophisticated Londoners stroll by. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Eric across the street, standing by a lamp post. No, I decided it couldn’t be. He was in Boston. I quickly dismissed the thought from my mind and continued on with my writing.

About an hour later, I finished my paper and emailed it to my professor. Then took my hot chocolate and left. I was exhausted. As I crossed the street, I caught my flip-flop on one of the stones and landed headfirst into the middle of the road.

“
Whoa! You okay?” a friendly stranger asked.

“
Yeah.” As I looked up, I realized it
was
Eric, but he didn’t know it was me yet.

I packed up my things into my backpack while he had his head down, collecting the books that spilled out.

“
Here you go,” Eric said. As he stood up, he realized it was me.

“
Dani. Seriously. Dani, is that really you?”

“
Hey there, stranger,” I said as I fixed my hair and zipped up my bag.

“
What are you doing here?”

“
I could ask you the same thing.”

“
I’m taking some classes over here,” Eric said pointing to the same campus I was attending.

“
Me, too.”

“
Holy shit! You’re the last person I thought I’d see here.”

“
Ditto,” I replied with a huge smile on my face.

England was going to be okay after all.

Chapter 32

“
So, what happened with you and Ben?” Eric asked while biting into an extremely crusty piece of bread surrounding piles of prosciutto and Havarti cheese. Just like every other day since we ran into each other on the streets of London, we were enjoying our lunch under our favorite tree on campus.

“
I don’t know. I woke up during the middle of the night one evening and thought that I needed some time to myself.”

“
Yeah, I can understand that,” he said as he laughed to himself.

“
You didn’t make it long in Boston.”

“
Well, I spent a few weeks there and the distance didn’t feel like it was enough.”

While we were talking, I noticed something I never saw before. Eric had this attractive quality that made him incredibly appealing. His hair wasn’t so wild anymore and he looked clean with a perfectly shaved face and refined clothes he never would have worn in Georgia. 

“
I’m really glad you’re here with me, Eric. It still feels like a dream though.” Saying that last sentence made me feel guilty about having never told Eric about Robert and Caroline. I’d need to explain everything to him soon.

“
Look, Dani. You were it for me in life. You’re adorable, funny, and I can tell you anything, but that ship has sailed. I’ve moved on from you and it’s a really good thing for my own sanity. I’m past the innuendoes and confusion.”

His stoic statement surprised me. Eric was serious and I didn’t want to misrepresent my feelings for him for fear that I’d really never see or speak to him again.

“
I don’t mean to insinuate anything, Eric. I just like that I have someone here with me in this strange place. Someone I’ve known for practically all of my life. Seeing you now, it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I still look at you as a friend and nothing more. But, being here in England makes me feel like a different person. I’m completely me.”

He stared at me for a moment then we continued reminiscing about the summer. People playing Frisbee and walking their dogs passed us by, but I only noticed their shadows. I didn’t care who was around. At that moment, it was just Eric and I. Then, in an instant, I floated away to Cape May.

*  *  *

I lay on the living room couch with Grace on top of me, sleeping soundly. I didn’t know if I was in a time before Robert’s death or after. No sound came from the house. It was just Grace and me. She was starting to stir. “Mama,” she whispered.

“
Shhhh,” I replied.

I got up, holding her on my right hip, and made my way into the kitchen to get her some milk. It was dark. I wasn’t sure what time it was. It didn’t really matter. It was still strange to me not to have the everyday pleasures I had in the present, like clocks and actual lights with knobs that turned them on and off.

“
Caroline,” said a shadowy figure sat in a rocking chair in the library just off the kitchen.

“
Robert, is that you?”

“
Yes my darling. Would you come here and bring Grace?” he asked.

He looked so feeble, wrapped in a wool blanket with thick slippers on his feet and a body that was almost unrecognizable to me. He must have been twenty pounds lighter and the sight of him made me stumble a bit. If I had been Caroline, this wouldn’t have been as much of a shock. But, as I stood here as Danielle - only visiting this time period I had grown to love - I couldn’t stand the sight of this man so dear to my heart. It wouldn’t be long now before he left us.

“
Sister, here is the tea Robert wanted,” said Rebecca as she emerged from the dark hallway. She too looked tired and had dark circles under her eyes.

“
Thank you. What would I do without you?” I said.

“
Well, you just couldn’t go on, I suppose. You owe me a lemonade,” she said with a smile as she leaned in and gave my cheek a gentle kiss.

It was at that moment that I finally realized I recognized her, too. Why hadn’t I seen it before? Her hair and eyes looked almost like Shannon’s. It was a stretch, but she definitely could be her in another life, although much kinder. My mind retreated back to the lake when Shannon and I were talking about Ben. I quickly compared their eyes and the tone of their voice. They were an exact match.

“
What did you just say?” I asked her.

“
I said that you couldn’t go on. I was only kidding, of course,” Rebecca replied.

“
No, no. The other thing you said.”

“
You owe me a lemonade?”

“
Yes.” Oh my God. Now there was another person in my present life that had spent time with me in the past.

“
Why are you asking me to repeat myself?” Rebecca asked.

“
No reason. I just didn’t hear you the first time.” I lied, of course, but I had to make her repeat herself so I could hear her say it one more time.

Robert sat with Grace for a few moments while I stared at them from the couch across the room. I held back tears while I watched him sing to her, rocking in the chair until she fell asleep. Everything and everyone was crashing down around me in both worlds and there was nothing I could do about it.

*  *  *

“
Eric,” I said while lying in his lap on the blanket under the tree.

“
Hey there. You scared me. You passed out. Are you okay?”

“
I’m fine,” I replied as I sat up and leaned against the massive trunk of the tree. “I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I’m sorry if I scared you. I’ve had a few doctors check it out, but no one can tell me what’s going on.” I contemplated telling him about the dreams, but I wasn’t ready to yet. We had just repaired our relationship and I wanted to seem as normal as possible for the next few hours.

“
Dani, you're worrying me a bit. I don't think it’s normal to just pass out sitting here.”

“
Well, maybe I'm just tired. I don't know,” I said, still not ready to divulge the real truth.

“
Dani, there’s something I have to tell you that I should have told you a long time ago.”

Eric was anxious and started tapping his fingers on the tree trunk and bouncing his knees up and down. “We should make our way back to your dorm room.”

I agreed, but was anxious to hear what he had to say.

“
Well, tell me already. What is it?” I asked as I packed up our picnic.

“
Um. This is really hard, but I think you should know.”