As I Close My Eyes (29 page)

“
She’s beautiful, Caroline. I can’t believe you’re a mother,” Rebecca said.

“
I know. She is the most precious little thing I’ve ever seen,” I replied.

“
She really is. I envy you. I just hope John proposes to me soon so we can get married and have a baby of our own. I feel like an outcast in this town because my younger sister was married off before me.”

“
Oh, don’t feel that way. It’ll be soon. I know it.”

We sat on the porch together in the matching rocking chairs as Grace rested in a peaceful slumber. It felt like early fall because a cool breeze came from the water and every now and then Grace would turn her head towards the wind so she could breathe in the ocean air.

“
I know Robert can’t wait to hold little Grace in his arms. You two are going to have such a wonderful life together,” said Rebecca as she held Grace’s tiny hand.

“
Hmmm Mmmm,” I replied as my eyes began to tear. I couldn’t say anymore because this was the first time that Robert’s illness was prevalent in the past. My mind began to spin with outrageous thoughts of smallpox, polio, and every other ancient virus known to kill people in the nineteenth century. I wondered what it was, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask Rebecca because she assumed that I knew. The dreams would eventually tell me anyway. I made a note to myself to begin researching diseases of the 1800s when I awoke in present-day Georgia.

A light rain began to fall minutes later so we returned indoors. Robert was upstairs in our bedroom, resting. This wasn’t good. We were only a year away from his death and no one around me knew it except for me. An image of Robert in the hospital sprang into my mind. I was by his side, holding his hand as the doctor told us he didn’t have much time. We looked into each other’s eyes and immediately, in unison, said, “Grace.”

It would be hard to come back to this time from now on. I knew how dire Robert’s condition was and the next time I flashed back might be the last time I saw him. No matter how excellent his medical care was, his fate was already forged in stone.

I felt a somberness I hadn’t experienced before. I was no longer excited to see the people in my dreams; I dreaded what I’d transport to in the next one. I wondered if I would be there to hold his hand as he left the world or if I would miss the dismal scene. I, as Danielle, had experienced great loss before when Justin died. I wasn’t sure I could go through it again.

Chapter 28

I awoke the following day on the couch with Walter next to me. Sadness that was like a heavy blanket suffocating my every breath took over as soon as I opened my eyes. I couldn’t be alone today. I called Shannon and we decided to go out on the boat. Brad wasn’t around, but we’d done this before. I tried to call Eric, but he never returned my call, so we left with just the two of us. It made me furious that he wouldn’t call me back on a day like today. He knew what this day meant for me. He was there when it happened, holding me as I sobbed when I heard Justin was killed.

“
How was Ben’s parents’ house?” Shannon asked, quickly making me switch thoughts to something other than the death of my older brother.

“
It was awesome. His father is really nice and his mama is, well, like the most intimidating person I’ve ever met.”

“
Why?”

“
I don’t know. I guess his dad has some big high-powered government job and she’s never really worked, except for volunteer organizations, so maybe she feels like she has to stand out next to this man everyone knows. The funny thing is, I think more people probably know her than they do him. I’m not sure his dad really cares, but his mama is involved in everything. She’s helping me plan a one-year anniversary party for Ben this weekend to celebrate the opening of his store. Speaking of that, will you help me this week with the decorations?”

“
Definitely, it’ll be fun. As long as I’m invited, though.”

“
Of course you are - you and Brad. I’d invite Eric, but I think he’s leaving for Boston this weekend.”

“
Boston? What are you talking about?” asked Shannon.

“
Oh my God, he didn’t tell you guys?”

“
No.”

“
His grandfather gave him tuition money to go to Northeastern in Boston and he’s leaving this weekend. Oh, and he also told me he’s in love with me.”
             

“
What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” she asked as she spilled her drink from the elaborate hand gestures she was making.

“
I thought you knew. He tells you guys everything.”
             

“
Well, he didn’t tell us this. When did he say he loves you?”

“
About two weeks ago, he came to my house one night and said he promised Justin he’d take care of me like a sister but he thinks of me as more than that. Then, he told me he got accepted to Northeastern and was leaving.”

“
Shit. Do you think he’s leaving because you’re with Ben now?”

“
Yeah, but I think there’s more to it than that. I don’t think he can stand to be around his parents anymore and he’s not sure what he wants out of life. He thinks by leaving Georgia he’ll find it.”

“
We should throw him a going-away party or something.”

“
I don’t think he’d come, Shannon.”

“
This sucks!” she said.

“
Yeah. Everything’s changing.”

“
I don’t like it. At least you, Brad, and I will be at Gainesville together next year,” she said as she anchored the boat in the middle of the lake.

“
I don’t either, but it’ll be okay,” I replied but I wasn’t so confident in my response because I knew I’d be the odd man out.

Later that day, I saw I missed a call from Ben. He left a voice message saying he was thinking of me today and would understand if I didn’t call him back if I just wanted to be alone. I never did return his call until the next day, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to talk to him. Shannon and I were busy getting supplies for Ben’s surprise party and I just forgot. It was good for me to have something to look forward to. Normally, on this day every year, I felt like a turtle who wanted to pull her head into her heartbroken shell and hide.

There was so much of me that felt like I had caused the accident, since he only went out that night because he and I got into a fight. We were so upset with each other and now I’m not even sure why. I hated that I never got to say I was sorry. I can still hear the sound the policemen’s heavy boots made on the steps as they made their way up to our front door. They didn’t ring the bell. Instead they quietly knocked, thinking it would somehow dull the pain and keep most of us inside asleep. It didn’t work. When I heard Mama and Daddy get out of bed and run down the stairs, I had to see what all of the commotion was about. I sat at the top of the steps listening, and I’ll never forget the words that followed.

“
Mr. and Mrs. Grayson, there’s been an accident,” said the taller of the two policemen. It took everything in me not to rush down the stairs and beat him into oblivion, taking out all of my anger on this poor civil servant who didn’t want to be there any more than we wanted to hear what he had to say. My parents called over our neighbor next door to come and sit with me while they went to the hospital. Justin was already dead, but they needed to identify his body. It made me think of Grace in my dreams, how no parent should ever have to bury his or her own child, no matter how old.

I kept busy with Shannon for the entire day. When we weren’t on the boat, we were shopping for Ben’s party. That kept my mind off the Grayson family’s own D-day. Occasionally, I’d catch myself checking my watch in dread, as the hour of Justin’s death got closer.

I pictured myself and Justin as little kids running around the house playing tag and thought about our birthday parties with piñatas and snow cones. I could vividly remember Justin teaching me to ride my bike and catching me when I would fall.

When I got home later that night, I pulled out old photo albums from under the television console and flipped through each page. Despite some of our fights, we were best friends. I began to sob, wetting the laminated pages with my tears. To take away a bit of my sorrow, I found an open bottle of Chardonnay in the refrigerator and poured myself a glass, falling asleep before I finished it.

As Saturday neared, I began to pack up my car with everything I bought for the party. I stuffed streamers and white Christmas lights into giant garbage bags. Others were filled with tulle and linen tablecloths I bought to cover the enormous tables that sat in the middle of his store. I informed his mom earlier in the week that she could find everything in my trunk and I left my keys under the driver’s seat so she could open it, but I had a feeling she’d say she forgot to grab them. I was sure the decorations she brought for the party would be way more than I could afford. A big part of me knew the twinkle lights would never see the inside of Something Old.

As I drove up to meet Ben at his house, I looked over to the passenger seat where his neatly-wrapped gift sat tied with a shiny black bow. I had ordered maps of all of the lakes we had visited when we made our way up to New Jersey, including one of The Falls, and had them custom framed with small brass labels on the bottoms of each picture. For South Carolina’s Lake Whelchel, I engraved, “Here’s where I knew I liked you.” For North Carolina’s High Rock Lake, it said, “Here’s where I began to love you.”  And for The Falls -  “Here’s where we’ll spend the rest of our lives.” As I stared at the big black bow, I began to think that maybe he would feel I was rushing this too much. I mean, I told him I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and it was permanently engraved into something he’d hang on his wall. Maybe it was too much. Oh well, too late now.

I arrived at Ben’s house wearing a form fitting black dress - inspired by the bow - and knocked on his front door. I looked back at my car, hoping his mama would at least remember to take his present over to the store for me.

“
Hey there, beautiful. Come on in,” Ben said, answering the door in black dress pants and a light green button-down shirt with a yellow and purple paisley tie. It had been a week since I had seen him last and I quickly dropped my overnight bag on the floor, then leapt into his arms. 

He pulled me onto the counter once again and I wrapped my bare legs around him. We kissed as though we hadn’t seen each other in months.

“
I can’t go another week without seeing you,” said Ben as he kissed my neck and chest.

“
Me either. It’s too hard. Tonight is going to be great, though. We’ll have a wonderful dinner out and then we can come back and spend the night together.”

We went from room to room as Ben tossed me on couch after couch but I couldn’t take it anymore.

“
I want to make love to you now,” I said in a deep whisper in his ear as he kissed my shoulder.

“
We can’t, we’ll miss our reservations and I have something special planned, so we have to be there,” he said as he pulled me to my feet.

“
You’re the most romantically frustrating person I have ever met.”

We got in the car and there was a large bouquet of light pink begonias sitting on the passenger seat.