Ashes and Ice (12 page)

The only thing left for school is Prom, which the social committee decided to theme as Winter Wonderland. Apparently, Sue Tobin went to New York over the holidays and wanted to re-create the “magic” of it for us season-less Louisiana folk. I want to talk to Jade about it, but her eyes are squeezed shut.

I pull off the bridge and make a right to go toward the bookshop

Jade lifts her head and looks around. “So how far is it?”

“Hmm, maybe fifteen minutes?” I turn onto a smaller street. “It’s not that far.”

She nods, alert.

“How’s your head?” I ask her.

“Oh, it’s better now. Thanks.”

At a stoplight for St. Ann’s Street, I pull into a parking spot and we get out.

Jade is on the sidewalk looking at the storefronts, eyeing the Mardi Gras masks and beads. “They are so beautiful.”

“Yeah, they are. You should’ve seen it a couple months ago. This place was even more packed with Mardi Gras stuff.”

“Do you like Mardi Gras?”

“I, uh, usually don’t go.”

“Why not?”

“A bit too crazy for me.” Too crazy, too many drunk girls, too few for me. I look at Jade, “But, if you want to go next year, we can. You may like it. Just promise me you won’t flash anyone.”

Jade glares at me. “Of course, I won’t flash anyone!”

“Okay, then, we have a deal. Mardi Gras will be graced by your presence next year.”

She looks at me, eyebrow raised, “It will be graced with yours too.”

I snort a laugh. “Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Say it.”

“Say what?”

“Say ‘I am Connor Devereaux and I will grace Mardi Gras with my presence year’.”

I shake my head, smiling. “What’s the address of the store?”

Jade tucks the paper into her pocket and then folds her arms over her chest. “Say it.”

I oblige, mumbling the words, feeling absolutely ridiculous.

She shakes her head. “Pathetic.”

“Why, thank you.”

She grabs my hand and drags me down the sidewalk toward some benches and a square of artists, tourists, and mulling people. Hand in mine, she pulls me up on a bench.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Helping you grow a pair.”

“You know, you aren’t always that pleasant.”

“I will not stand around with you mumbling and shrinking into a little invisible old man.” She pokes my back so I snap straight. “Now say it.”

“What? Here? Are you crazy?”

“Yes, quite. Now say it.”

“My name is…”

“Louder!”

“Jade this is so ridiculous.”

“Louder or I will say that you are a sweet boy looking for Mr. Right.”

“MY NAME IS CONNOR DEVEREAUX AND I WILL GRACE MARDI GRAS WITH MY PRESENCE NEXT YEAR.” I yell, surprised only a few faces look up at me. One of which was a silver painted man who robotically turns to me and makes a mechanical applauding sound.

Jade pulls me down from the bench. “See, that wasn’t so bad!”

“If you weren’t a girl, I would hit you.”

“I doubt that.” My chest tightens. I look up to see Dom standing behind Jade. “Connor, you can barely smack the flies away from you.”

“Back off, Dominic,” Jade says.

“See, you even have a little pet to speak for you.”

I flush.

“I am not a pet.”

“Oh for me, you would be a bit more than that.” He licks his lips. I taste bile rising in my throat.

A huge crowd of people get off a trolley and start pushing by us.

I look up when everyone laughs as the robotic man make kissy faces at a girl posing for a picture with him.

“Hey Jade…” I look at her and she’s gone. So is Dom.

With that, he releases me and shoves me against Connor’s chest. Connor hesitates a slight moment before wrapping his arms around me protectively.

“Bye, bye, princess.”

“Don’t call me that!” I snap even though, or perhaps exactly because, I like the way “princess” sounds when he says it.

He’s gone and I stand, pulling Connor away from the sidewalk.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I—I just—” enjoyed being touched by a total bastard? “Let’s go.”

“You sure?”

“Do I look unsure?” Even as I say it, I feel my thoughts are muddy like swamp water. I know we need to get to the shop, but I think of wet lips, fingertips on my skin, and breath on my ear.

I pull out the paper with the address and we set out looking for it. It isn’t until we walk several blocks that I start hearing voices chatter in my head.

Look at that one. She looks ripe for tasting…

His blood tastes like nectar…

They are yours for the taking…

I gasp and brace myself against an ornate wrought iron pillar. Cold clenches my spine and my senses come into brutal focus. The voices churn in my head, and as people pass, I smell salt, and sweat, I hear heartbeats and watch fleshy skin move attached to breakable bones. I look at a waitress clearing tables on the patio. A pretty girl with long twisty braids and dark copper skin, she smiles at me and I nod at her. Ice numbs my core. I see a pulse thumping at her neck and wonder what the blood would look like if I sliced a small opening there. I haul myself upright and grab Connor and tell him, “We need to go home.” The cold creeps up my throat and is making my fingers numb.

“What? But don’t we need to find Alathea’s shop?”

“I—I don’t feel well. Can’t we come back?”

“Uh, yeah sure.”

I look at the waitress as she goes back into the restaurant. “Let me just go to the bathroom real quick, okay? I’ll be right back.”

“Sure, I’ll wait out here.”

I enter the restaurant and feel cold swallowing my limbs and marching me toward the girl. It takes all my effort to hold onto the bar and not follow her into the kitchen. I swallow. She is alone back there. With blood pumping though her veins. Blood that could spill out of her and decorate her skin with lovely red ribbons.

I hold my breath and take another step.

I look at Jade. Her eyes are wide—huge—and fixed on the lake on the side of the bridge. “Jade are you okay? Did you hit something?”

She shakes her head. But, her hands are shaking and her breaths start coming out in rushed pants. “Jade, Jade, what’s wrong.”

She is on the brink of hyperventilating. “Jade, tell me what’s wrong.”

Her shaking hand rose to point at the water.

“What?” I’m starting to feel scared for her.

“I—don’t—want to—drown.” Her breaths are ragged.

I furrow my eyebrows not understanding until it hits. “Jade, are you afraid of the water?”

Her eyes dart to me, desperate. Oh wow, she’s terrified. She must have a phobia of the water—probably why she said she had a headache earlier. “Listen to me, Jade. It’s okay. Look at me. Just look at me. Look into my eyes.”

Her eyes twitch from me to the water. “No, don’t look at the water. Just look at me.” I grab her hand and squeeze it. “You are all right. Nothing is going to happen. Scoot closer to me.”

Trembling, she closes the space between us. “Put your head on my shoulder and close your eyes.” She does, but I feel her shaking. “Okay Jade, the cars are moving again. We are going to start driving. We aren’t far from the exit. Just breathe in and breathe out, okay? You are safe. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

She buries her head in the crook of my neck. At first, her quick pants blow short bursts of hot air I feel on my skin, but her breath slows and, between her controlled breaths, she hiccups. I pull her tighter.

Once we cross the bridge, I park on the shoulder of the road and just hold her until she is able to look at me again. Her eyes are dry, but her face twists into sadness, embarrassment. “I, I am so sorry I didn’t tell you.” She says. “I, I, I just—” I’ve never heard her voice so thin and weak.

“Shh, don’t worry. You’re safe. I’ll always keep you safe. I promise.” It is this moment I realize maybe she is just as broken as me and needs someone to hold onto to stay in one piece, to stay whole. As we pull back onto the road, I hold her hand and don’t let go.

His heartbeat is the most beautiful sound in the world.

***

I sit at the kitchen table in the dark trying to remember the moments when I stepped into the restaurant and when I stepped out. I was resolved to walk away from the waitress, but everything goes dark until I left the restaurant and Connor looked at me under high eyebrows. My hair, shirt and face were dripping wet, but I don’t remember why.

I clench my fist and brace it against my forehead, gritting my teeth so hard it hurts. Why can’t I remember?

“Darlin’?” I startle upright. I look to the hallway towards the voice in the dark. “Darlin’, ya okay?” Nanan’s voice sounds like she is approaching a scared animal, soft and comforting as if she doesn’t want to scare me away.

I nod, but then I think about the way her eyes lost their luster and fell under a heavy brow when I lied to her last time. She doesn’t turn on the light.

“No.” My voice shakes.

Nanan shuffles into the room and takes a seat beside me. She rests a hand on top of mine and cups the other one over my cheek. “What’s wrong?”

I look up into her eyes. Concern tugs on her face and her eyes are on me, breaking me down to the core. She looks at me as if I am the only being in the universe, as if it hurts her to see me alone in the dark. This is how Connor looked at the picture of his father. This is how Desi looked at Connor. And I want to crumble and cry in the arms of this woman who looks at me like this… like a loved one consumed with loving me. I wonder if anyone has ever looked at me like that before, if I ever had a mother who held my hand and tried to soothe away the aching in my chest.

“I feel—wrong. Wrong and lost.”

Nanan lets out a sigh. “Jade, my darlin’, we are all lost and we are all a little bit wrong.”

“No, no I—” don’t have a heartbeat, can’t cry, am terrified of water, and think of ugly, horrible things. “I am all wrong. I am bad and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“If you were all wrong, I would know it.”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be… like I am.”

Nanan shifts her weight on the chair and sighs. “I met you as a screaming, hollow lookin’ thing on a dock just weeks ago. Imagine what I thought? This girl gots to be crazy, a complete lunatic. Then I got there close to you, and for a split second, I simply saw a scared girl afraid of drownin’, afraid of fallin’. I knew then that I wouldn’t let you.” She rests both of her hands on mine and twists my hand over, palm up. She traces the lines on my palm. “Ya know, my grandma used to think all this superstitious stuff about people, about things. I thought she was a crazy ol’ broad, but there was somethin’ she told me that I always held onto. People can change… no matter where they come from, no matter where they think they ought to go, people can make their own way.”

She taps my chin. “I know there is somethin’ different about you.”

I gulp down a dry lump in my throat.

“I can’t say what it is and I doubt you’ll tell me, but I know you are holding onto too much on your own. Too much for any young girl to carry.” She smiles, “I also know that I see bits of you falling into place. That Devereaux boy… he makes you smile.”