Ashes of Twilight (21 page)

I wake with a start. I’m exactly as I was when I fell asleep, wrapped safely in Pace’s arms. His eyes open as I stir and he smiles at me. “This is getting to be a habit.”

“How long did we sleep?”

Pace laughs. “I have no idea. I don’t even know if it’s night or day, much less how long I’ve been down here. I just know it has been a good while because I woke up for a bit and just now lay back down.” He looks at me intently. “How do you feel?”

I take a moment to decide. “Rested. Hungry.” I look up into his blue eyes. “Scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

Falling …

“Everything,” I confess. I sit up and throw the blanket aside. My body aches from sleeping on the hard ground, and I take a moment to stretch out my stiff muscles. “I’ve got to get back.”

“I wish I could go with you.”

“No, you’re safer here for now.”

“Not because of that.” He holds out a hand to help me to my feet. “So you won’t have to be alone during the…” His voice trails off.

How easy it would be to say yes, come with me and stay with me so I don’t have to go through this alone. So I’d have somebody to lean on. “Oh…” I’m surprised to feel tears welling in my eyes. I would have thought there wouldn’t be any more after all the crying I did before. All the crying … My cheeks flush in embarrassment. At my crying, at the kissing, at what could have happened between us. Being with Pace is so strangely different. It’s confusing and comforting, scary and exciting. Like flying over the pit. You feel the wind yet you’re scared of falling.

I find that I’m glad nothing more happened between us, although the thought of it still gives me a strange sensation inside. I’m not ready to take that step. I’m definitely not thinking clearly enough to make such a life-changing decision.

“Thank you,” I say. “But it’s something I’ve got to do alone. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“I know you will.” Pace comes to me and with a grin wipes away the residual tears with his thumb. “I’ll be waiting. Maybe Pip will have something new to show you.”

I can’t help but smile, and regretfully I leave once more to make my secret way back to the village that no longer feels like home.

*   *   *

“Where were you?” Peggy hurries toward me as I pass by the stable. Both shifts of ponies are still inside. No one is working. It’s late afternoon, the time I usually wake up. I’m not worried about missing my grandfather’s funeral. I know they won’t start without me. I’m glad for the rest. I needed it as I need a clear head to make the decisions that lay before me.

“I needed to be alone,” I say. “Have they…”

“Everything is ready,” Peggy says. “We were just waiting for you.”

We walk together, with this strange awkward silence between us. Peggy seems nervous but I attribute that to not knowing what to say. It’s been a long while since we lost anyone to something other than the black lung, and since it is such a long and lingering death, it is usually met with gratitude.

Have things changed so much between us that she doesn’t know what to say? Or maybe it isn’t us, maybe it’s just me. I’m not the same person I was before Alex died. I’m certainly not the same person who James accused of treachery. I’m the sum of my experiences and there’s nothing I can do to change things back. I can only move forward and hope … no … fight for the best.

No matter what has happened in the past or will happen in the future, Peggy has been a good friend to me and I will not forget it, so I accept her silent company for what it is: an attempt to offer me comfort.

The village is prepared. My grandfather’s body lies on a pyre in the middle of the river. It is covered with a tattered blanket, except for his face, which was not touched in the cave-in. Someone had to prepare him. More than likely it was Mary, who was always a good friend to him. It should have been me. It’s just another regret that I can do nothing about. Adam, James, and the other young men are busy placing coal and tinder around the pyre.

“We’ll wait on you to get cleaned up,” Peggy says. “Lucy brought something for you to wear.” Peggy goes on down to the river and Lucy comes out of her parents’ home as I climb the steps to mine.

Someone has cleaned inside. The floor has been swept, our beds are made up with clean linens, and our dishes washed and lined up neatly on the shelf. On my grandfather’s bed are his possessions. His bandanna, his pail, a few coins, and his pocket watch. I pick up his watch. The crystal is cracked but the minute hand still moves. I hold it to my ear to hear the steady tick-tock as I used to do as a child when he would sit me on his lap and hold me until I fell asleep. It’s my watch now. My legacy from two hundred years of MacAvoy shiners. I wrap the chain around it and slip it into my pocket.

On my bed a cat lies curled up on a pale blue dress. I shoo the cat away and he stalks off with an indignant swish of his tail. I’ve never had a dress before. My life has never called for it. I have to admit this one is pretty. I hold it up against my clothes. It has a high waist and short puffed sleeves and it is made of the softest cloth I’ve ever felt.

“It belonged to a girl who disappeared,” Lucy says as she comes inside. “Her mother told me to take it because it was too painful for her to look at.”

“Do they know what happened to her?”

“She’s just gone. It’s been happening more and more. Girls and boys disappearing off the streets with no explanation.”

“That’s the third time I’ve heard that. I heard it from the dome washers and from Alex, the day before he died.”

“It was the reason he insisted on walking me to work. It’s the reason he saw me with David,” she confesses.

“Do you think it could have anything to do with everything else that’s happened?” I ask.

“I don’t know,” Lucy says. She checks out the window to make sure no one is approaching. “We don’t have much time,” she begins. “I’m not sure when or if I’ll be able to get back down here. Did you know that the shiners are going on strike?”

“No … I’ve been with Pace since my grandfather died.”

“You’re growing close to him, aren’t you?”

I go to the washstand. There is fresh water in the pitcher and a full bucket sits beside it on the floor, courtesy of whoever cleaned our … my home. I scoop some up in my hands and press them against my face. It feels so good against my skin, especially since I could feel it burning as soon as Lucy asked me about Pace. I take a good long look in the mirror. “Is there time to wash my hair?”

“If you want to,” Lucy says. “They can’t start without you.” She comes up behind me. “I’ll wash it for you, if you want.”

“Please,” I say. “I’m not ready to go out there yet.” And I’m not ready to talk about Pace.

Lucy moves our one chair out on the stoop in front of our house. Everyone will see what we’re doing, but it doesn’t matter. They’ll understand that I want to look my best to honor my grandfather and give me the time. There’s no rush. Especially if they’re going on strike. I see them gathering below, standing in small groups, all of them talking about my grandfather and me. Across the way the guard stands in front of the council chamber. Already they are discussing who will replace my grandfather.

“When does the strike start?” I sit and Lucy rolls up a towel to place under my neck as I lean my head back.

“It already has.” She pours the water over my hair and it dribbles into the bowl. “I was allowed down because of the funeral but after that I won’t be able to use the lift or any of the escape hatches because I don’t want to give them away. Can you tell me how you got through the tunnel David showed you?”

“Yes, but you’ll need to dig it out. It was tight. Too tight for Pace. I dislocated his shoulder when I pulled him through.”

“David will take care of it,” Lucy says with some pride. “They need escape routes above too.” She lathers up my hair and I give in to the sensation of her fingers on my scalp, much as I did when Pace stroked my hair.

“Is it bad up there?”

“It will be when the coal runs out and the fans stop blowing. They’ll have to make concessions.”

Concessions that include Pace and me? The shiners won’t care about him. They might accept something for me. There has to be something more for us. Something that will guarantee his survival.

“Have you heard anything about Pace’s mother?”

“They had her in for questioning. Apparently she works as a governess for one of the royals. The family she works for wasn’t happy about it and let it be known. They let her go, but they are watching her closely in case he tries to see her.” Lucy rinses the soap from my hair and wraps it up tightly in the towel.

“That’s better than what I expected. I’m sure Pace will be relieved.”

“And that will make you happy?”

I look up at her, upside down, as she crimps the towel through my hair to dry it. “How do you know, Lucy? How do you know if you love someone?”

“You just do.” Lucy smiles. “Just like you know when you don’t. The thought of them not being in your life hurts. The notion that they might not be rips your heart out.” We go back inside. Lucy brings the chair and once more I sit down as she combs out my hair. “Has he kissed you?”

“Yes,” I admit.

“And?”

“It’s strange to think about because of the circumstances. He doesn’t know if he’s going to live or die. Neither do I, for that matter. I just don’t know.”

Lucy puts the brush aside and grips my shoulders with her hands. “You need to grab your happiness where you can find it, Wren. Don’t push it aside because of what might happen. Hold on to it while it’s in front of you.”

She walks away suddenly, leaving me to think on her words. Does she have any regrets about Alex? I cannot say and it is long past the time to ask her.

“I’ll leave you to get dressed,” she says and goes out the door without another word.

Yes, I believe she does have some regrets about Alex. She loves David, I am certain, but that doesn’t mean that she didn’t love Alex too. She made a choice, and like me, she has to live with it.

18

I
follow the trail
of ashes down the bank of the river until they disappear under the cave wall. Is it really that simple? If I was able to completely follow what was left of my grandfather would he show up in the pool with the glow fish and from there into the rapids by Pace’s hiding place? Has anyone mapped the course of the river as it runs underground? Is the place where the royals have access before our gentle flow, or after? Will my grandfather’s ashes end up in the washbasin of a royal after they travel through a pipe into a grand home? Or will they go deeper into the earth?

To the sea, my heart sings … but only because I so want it to be true.

“You look very nice,” James says. He comes up behind me while I watch the water flow beneath the wall. I know he is there but I keep hoping he will go away. I don’t want to talk to him. I need time to think. I have got to come up with some way to save Pace. To save both of us.

“There’s to be a feast,” he continues. “To honor him.”

I finally turn to look at James. “Shouldn’t we be conserving our food since we’re on strike?”

“Everyone has contributed a little.” He smiles his charming smile. “Because of your grandfather.”

I gather up my dress so it won’t drag on the ground and walk up to the village with James by my side. “He’d be the first one to say not to. To save the food because we don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“Don’t worry, Wren. We have our ways around the bluecoats.” He sounds so cocky, so self-assured. He has no idea of what we’re up against.

“The escape hatches? Don’t you think they’ll be watching for someone to pop up through them?”

“They can’t watch them if they don’t know where they are.”

“They have eyes everywhere. All they have to do is offer a reward to anyone seeing a shiner above. The scarabs, the filchers, even the tradespeople will gladly give us up.”

“We’ve got it all figured out,” he assures me.

But he doesn’t know what it’s like up there. He’s never been chased as I have. He doesn’t have a price on his head. “You sound so confident, James. Do you know something I don’t?”

“I’ve been elected to council,” he says proudly.

“Congratulations,” I say. I know it is the one thing he’s always wanted. I knew he had to have been disappointed when Adam was elected before him. I am genuinely happy for him. And for Peggy. Her husband-to-be and her brother are both on council. She will have the life
she
always dreamed of.

He touches my arm and I can’t help but recall how he held on to both of them in the tunnel when he kissed me. The look on my face must have reminded him too, because he quickly pulls his hand away. “I hate that it came because of your grandfather’s death.”

“It isn’t your fault, James. My grandfather lived a long time. Longer than anyone. I know he would rather have gone the way he did than coughing his lungs up.” I hurry my steps, anxious to be away from him.

“There’s something else you should know.” James stops me once again by taking my arm. What makes him think he can just touch me whenever he wants? I stare at his hand on my arm but he doesn’t release it, instead he slides it down and takes my hand. “The council wants you to give up your house to make room for a new family.”

His announcement is not surprising, except for the timing. I would have thought the council would have given me more time. “I will gladly give it up for Peggy and Adam,” I say. I mean it. The thought of Peggy living in the house I grew up in makes me happy. When I look into my future I can’t see myself there. I don’t see myself anywhere. My future at the moment is a blank slate. There are too many questions and too many possibilities, and most of them end with my death.

“There’s a way you won’t have to,” James continues.

“How?” I ask, mostly because I’m curious at to what the council has to say about me.

James turns my hand in his. I can’t help but recall Pace’s gentle touch of my palm as I told him about my grandfather’s death. I don’t pull away from James. I know that people are watching us. I don’t want to give them cause to talk about me, or to presume some control over me because they think I am irrational with grief.