Ashes to Ashes (7 page)

I force myself to turn away, like I didn't see. Because I shouldn't have gone to Reeve's house; I shouldn't have kissed him. I won't make that mistake again.

I
'M ASLEEP MORE THAN
I
'M
awake now, if you can even call it sleeping. It's not restful, and I don't have dreams. It's just darkness.

When I'm awake and alert, I put everything I have into reading Aunt Bette's books, hoping they'll tell me something. Tonight I got about halfway through a book about how ghosts interact with the living world.

I don't have enough energy to finish it. But I need to understand how I've been tricking myself. I use what little energy I can muster, and then I close my eyes and focus.

When I open my eyes, it's morning. I'm no longer at home. I'm standing in front of Jar Island High School, in the fountain. It must still be winter, because the water is shut off.

A bell rings in the distance. I walk to one of the heavy steel doors. Once the school day starts, the janitors lock them so outsiders can't get in. It's a security measure. Through the window I watch a few last stragglers sprint down the hallway to their classrooms.

If I were a real girl, a living girl, I'd have to go to the main office and sign in at the front desk. But I'm not. I pass through the door like it's nothing. Like it's air. And I'm on the other side.

I've probably been doing that all along. Only I didn't let myself notice. I think back on the days I spent here this school year, going to classes I thought I was enrolled in, doing homework I thought was assigned to me. Even dreaming of where I'd apply for college next year.

Except I'm not a student here. I never was.

The clock says 10:35. If this were a normal day, I'd be in Spanish class with Señor Tremont, so that's where I go.

Señor Tremont's door is wedged open, so I walk right in. He's sitting on top of his desk. The fluorescent classroom lights are off, and he has a video going on the TV. It's a Spanish soap opera called
El Corazón Late Siempre
. It means “The Heart Always Beats.” Señor Tremont normally has us watch an episode on Fridays.

Okay. It's Friday. And it's winter. But January? February?

I have no idea.

I glance out at the room, at the desk where I used to sit. It's an empty desk in the back, one that was probably never assigned to anyone. I just sat there. I pretended it was mine. Just like I pretended I was alive.

That's why whenever I raised my hand, Señor Tremont never once called on me.

That's why I never got a report card sent home, or a test handed back, or my name up on the bulletin board.

No one could see me.

I feel so completely stupid.

A fiery anger begins to simmer inside me. I used to hate feeling angry. I used to fear it. Except now . . . it feels good. It feels like
something.

I take a couple of steps so I'm standing in front of the television, blocking everyone's view. But not everyone is watching the show. A few girls are whispering behind a notebook. Alex Lind has his forehead down on the desk, but I know he's not asleep, because his left leg is bouncing up and down. Another kid is drawing black circles over and over again on the sole of his sneaker.

I open my mouth and scream. Scream as loud as I can.

And no one hears me.

Shaking, I press down on the channel buttons. I can actually feel them underneath my fingertips.

The channels start changing, and everyone in class snaps to attention.

“Ay, diosmío,”
Señor Tremont says. He stands up and comes over to the television with the remote. I move my hand to the power button and click the television off and on. “This . . . I don't understand.”

I'm laughing now; I can't help it. Señor Tremont looks so confused, and the rest of the kids do too.

And then, with every last bit of strength I've got left, I push my body into the television cart and knock the entire thing over. The screen bursts into a million pieces on the floor. And the crazy thing is that doing it doesn't make me feel tired. It's the opposite. It has filled me back up with energy.

Just then the bell rings. I walk out into the hallway like everyone else.

“Mary?”

Her voice comes from far behind me, from the other end of the hallway.

Kat.

“Yo! Mary!”

I take off, keeping my back to her, and then step through the
door of the janitor's closet and wait to hear if she calls my name again.

She doesn't.

Lillia and Kat have always been able to see me. They believed I was real, that I was seventeen. They were able to see the things I'd imagined too. But why?

A minute or two later I sneak back out of the classroom. I see Lillia and Kat talking at the end of the hallway. Lillia's holding a folder, maroon and embossed with gold foil letters. Boston College. I wonder if she's been accepted. Lillia will be gone in a few months. Kat, too. Then I won't have to hide from them. That's a relief. But it also breaks my heart.

When they leave, there won't be anyone left who can see me.

Then I'll truly be gone. Gone for good.

A
FTER SCHOOL
A
SH AND
I ride in her car over to her house to work on our English project. It's sort of the worst, being partnered with Ash, because she's lazy, but I know she'd be hurt if I partnered up with someone else. We're in her room, supposedly doing research, but whenever I glance over at her computer screen, she's looking at gossip blogs.

I'm cutting and pasting an article to read later, when my phone buzzes. It's Reeve.
Can I see you tonight?

Oh no. No, no, no. This is exactly what I was afraid of, and it's my fault. I was weak.

I have to be strong now.

I can't. I'm studying over at Ashlin's.

:(

His little sad face makes me want to smile, but I don't let myself go there.

A few minutes later Ashlin's phone buzzes from across the room. She picks it up and squeals. “Derek and the guys want to come over and hang out,” she says. “Our sauna's not working, but we could take a hot tub break!”

I bite my lip. Reeve. I could kill him.

“Ash, we can't. This is due on Monday. If the guys come over, you know it's not going to be a short break. It's going to be all night.” And then I pick up my phone and text Reeve.

Not cool.

Ash nods. “You're right, I know you're right. I'm just having a hard time concentrating.” Plaintively she says, “Are things ever going to feel normal again?”

“I don't know.” And then, because that sounds so depressing, I add, “I hope.”

Ash picks up her phone to text Derek, and I feel bad. I haven't been a good friend to her lately. So I close my laptop and say, “Ash, it's fine. The guys can stop by. We're almost done anyway.”

Ash's face lights up. “Yay!” She jumps up and starts rifling through her bikini drawer. She gasps suddenly and lifts one up
for me to look at—it's Rennie's. “Ren left this the last time she was over here.”

I remember when she bought it, last summer at the bikini store near Java Jones. It's tiny and black, and she loved it because it made her boobs look bigger. “I—I'll just wear one of yours.”

“But mine won't fit you,” Ash says, dropping the bikini back into her drawer.

“Then I'll just dip my feet into the tub.” I'm not wearing Rennie's bikini. It's too eerie.

“Wait!” Ash digs into her drawer again. She holds up a skimpy navy-and-green tie-dyed one with the tags still on. “The top was way too small for me, but I never got around to returning it. It'll fit you perfectly.”

Relieved, I quickly undress and put on her bikini. Ash comes around and ties the tie around my back tighter. “It looks great on you,” she says. “You can keep it.”

“Thanks, Ash.” Ash and I have never been super close. There was always Rennie in between us. She always had to be most loved. And we did love her most. We both knew we'd pick Ren over each other. But Ash is a nice person, and I feel lucky to have her.

After we're both changed, we put on Uggs and bathrobes and go outside to turn on the hot tub. Ash goes back in to get a
bottle of wine from her parents' cellar, and I'm testing how hot the water is when Alex walks up.

“How's the water?” he asks me, peeling off his peacoat. He pulls his sweater over his head, and I go over and turn on the jets.

“Pretty hot,” I say.

Alex throws his clothes onto a lounge chair. He looks around to make sure we're alone, and then says, “Hey, can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure.”

He slides into the water. “There's something I've been wanting to say to you for a while, but I didn't want to bring it up at the wrong time.”

It's suddenly very hard to swallow.

I look around for Ash, but she hasn't come back yet, and there's no sign of Reeve and Derek yet. So I slip off her bathrobe and quickly step inside the hot tub. The hot water pricks my skin. I put my hair up into a high bun so it won't get wet. “Umm. Okay.”

“I know you and Rennie had a fight the night she died.” I go still in the water. “I just want to say that you shouldn't let that be the thing that defines your friendship. I mean, friends fight. It happens. Look at me and Reeve. Things have been weird with us ever since . . . ever since Christmas.” Alex colors, and I can
feel myself blush too. “But I know we'll hash it out at some point. The same way I know that if Ren hadn't had that accident, you guys would have too.”

No, we wouldn't have. Rennie would never have forgiven me for taking Reeve away from her, not in a million years. Alex doesn't know her like I do. I mean he
didn't
, he didn't know her like I did. But it's nice of him to say, and it's so Lindy of him to say it. I offer him a smile and say, “Maybe.”

He can tell I don't mean it. He says, “Listen to what I'm telling you, Lil. Rennie loved you. And you loved her. It would have worked out. When people love each other as much as you did, the love doesn't just go away. No matter what.”

Tears spring to my eyes. Alex sounds so sure, it gives me hope, even when I have no right to hope for anything. If I'd had the chance to explain, to try to make Ren understand, could we have gotten past it? We were best friends. More than best friends. We were like sisters. That has to count for something.

“Alex . . . thank you for saying that.” I really, truly mean it. He reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze, and the tightness inside me feels a little bit loosened.

We're still talking when Reeve arrives. I don't look at him, but I can feel his eyes on me. He strips down and lowers himself into the water and sits at the corner opposite Alex and me. “What are you guys talking about?” he asks.

“Nothing,” I say, staring down at the foamy water. It gurgles and bubbles like soup that's about to boil over.

“New bikini?” he asks me.

I give him a funny look. “It's Ash's. She gave it to me.”

“I like it.”

What is he doing? Especially in front of Alex, of all people. Alex is watching Reeve with narrowed eyes now.

Ash and Derek come out of the house with the wine and beach towels. When they climb into the hot tub, Alex scoots closer to me to make room, and our shoulders touch. Alex bumps my shoulder again, this time on purpose, and he smiles at me, and I smile back. A true smile.

“Do you have any beer, Ash?” Reeve asks suddenly.

“Yeah, there should be some in the fridge,” Ash says, stretching out her arms. “Just make sure you replace them with the beers in the pantry, or my dad will notice.”

“Get me a beer too,” Derek says.

Reeve gets up. “Cho, come help me.”

I don't look at him as I say, “I'm not getting out of the water. It's too cold.”

Reeve frowns at me, which I pretend not to see. Then he steps out of the hot tub and stalks off to the house. He can be mad all he wants, but if he thinks I'm going to sneak away with him with our friends right outside, he's crazy.

To Alex I say, “Your skin's getting red.”

Alex groans. “The plight of the fair-skinned Irish. That's why I have to marry you, Lil, so I can stop this vicious cycle. Our kids would be so good-looking.”

Uncomfortably, I giggle. “As long as they get my fashion sense,” I say, stretching out my legs so my toes float above the water. “And my dance skills. You have no rhythm whatsoever, Lindy.”

Later, when we're all out of the hot tub and it's time to go home, Alex offers to drive me to school for my car. Reeve's putting his sweater back on, but I know he's listening to every word. I say, “No, that's okay. Ash and I have more work to get done tonight.”

Alex looks disappointed, but he leaves, and so do Reeve and Derek. Reeve doesn't even look at me when he goes.

Upstairs in Ash's room, I go over to her bed to open up my computer, and I look out her window. Reeve's truck is still here. He's waiting for me. Reeve needs to understand that he and I aren't happening, not ever.

Quickly I look down at my phone and say, “Uh-oh, my mom's texting me. She wants me home.”

Ashlin looks up from her computer. She's in the process of buying a new cashmere sweater. “Just give me two secs, and I'll drive you back to your car.”

“No, that's okay. The guys haven't left yet. I'll get one of them to take me.” I grab my bag and my computer and give Ash a hug, and then I'm running down the stairs and out the front door.

I climb into Reeve's truck, and for a moment we're both silent. He has a scowl on his face. “What's the matter with you tonight?” I ask.