AT 29 (20 page)

“I wanted to try different sounds. Pinky wouldn't tolerate electric in her place. I was still acoustic and solo with the Gibson and a piano. She made me learn the harmonica, too. I saw Alice, but she didn't stay long enough for us to talk.”

Peggy changed the subject. “Do you remember water skiing at Crystal Lake?”

“Sure, you, me and Alice. Good times. Ski all day, barbecue, then back to Skip's for the nightly sets.”

“I mean the times we went back alone, after I brought Alice home.”

“At night? Sure, got wasted a few of those times.” Jimmy grimaced. “Put a few moves on you. Made a fool of myself.”

“Yes, but you were good about it. I said no, you stopped.”

“What brings that to mind?”

“For a long time after you left I regretted not giving in to you.”

“As I recall, it was about saving yourself for the right man whenever he came along. Did you?”

“Yes. Joe was worth waiting for.”

“Then I'm glad you stuck to your guns.”

“It was your drinking.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you weren't into Skip's scotch so much, I'd have given in.”

“It's my nemesis, then and now.”

“Skip turned you into an alcoholic. He sent the drinks to you up on the stage all night long, but he never taught you how to deal with it. Alice writes about the drug scene in her articles, but nobody writes about alcohol. When I heard about your trouble in Atlantic City I knew right away, that was it.”

“Jimmy turned Jimmy into an alcoholic.”

“And, now?”

“I'm working on it.”

“You look good. Professional help?”

“On my own. I almost slipped last night with Skip.”

“Don't slip.”

“It gets a little easier everyday, but I'm never really free.”

“That's why people need help.”

“I'm okay.”

“So, what's your plan?” Peggy changed the subject abruptly again. Jimmy had heard this question from her before.

“I don't have any answers.”

“You wanted to write songs and produce a Broadway musical, remember?”

“I wrote a few songs. The musical was just a college kid's dream.”

Peggy selected more pebbles from the ground and tossed them over the side. She turned to look at him for the first time since they sat down.

“I was frantic after you left. I started out for Massachusetts to find you a half a dozen times, always stopping and turning around at White River Junction. I'd come back to the farm crying. Finally, Hillary took me down to Peterborough, New Hampshire to one of her weekend poetry seminars. It was all a pretense. As soon as we arrived, she handed me the keys and told me to go find you. She demanded that I either bring you back or finish with you. She said, ‘Don't come home crying anymore.”

“I drove to Cambridge and found Passim. It was late afternoon, so I parked down the street and waited, watching the door. I couldn't get up the courage to go inside. Then, there you were, walking down the sidewalk, carrying the Gibson. I never got out of the car.”

“Why?”

“I decided you would have to be the one to come for me. If you could just leave me behind without a word after two years of sharing every secret…”

“You could've called or written.”

“I could have called! I could have written! What about you? How could you do that to me?”

He couldn't withstand her gaze. He looked away, grasping for the excuse he'd hidden behind for years. “My father, it happened suddenly. I had to go home.”

“Oh, Jimmy, don't say that. I would have been there for you. You know I would. You didn't give me a chance. If that was the reason, all you had to do was let me know.”

“I needed to go home, deal with the funeral, my mother, clear my head.”

“It's your heart, not your head you damn fool! Who else have you abandoned while you hide behind that lie?” She stood and walked to the edge of the overlook, half-heartedly letting the last pebbles drop from her hands. “We should go.”

Jimmy didn't move. “I went to your graduation.” Peggy came back and sat down beside him, closer. “I drove to Hanover and wandered around the campus until noon. I had this long shot idea that somehow, I'd find you off by yourself somewhere for a moment, but the procession began and all I could do was find a spot in the crowd to watch.”

“I didn't see you.”

“There were too many people. You marched down the green with your classmates. Typical Peg, eyes straight ahead. You were even with me when I lifted my hand, but then you saw your family up ahead. You broke into a big smile and shouted. I decided not to interrupt. It was your time and theirs. I listened to the speeches, heard your name called with the Economics group and watched you link up with your family. Then I headed back to Cambridge.”

Peggy put her hand on his. “I would have given anything to see you.”

Jimmy paused, taken by her touch and how wonderful it felt. The truth rolled off his lips before he knew it

“It wasn't meant to be for us, Peg.”

“You mean because I met Joe? He knows I'm with you right now.”

“You told him about me?”

“I said you were a friend that I haven't seen for a long time.”

“Trusting guy.”

“We love each other. Seeing you again isn't going to change that.”

“I knew you were in love with me. I didn't have the courage to tell you I was leaving. I couldn't face hurting you. I was a coward.”

Peggy squeezed his hand and put her cheek to his. “I think about you everyday; how you're doing, what's going on in your life. I read the trades for news about Jimmy Button.”

“You know when I missed you the most?”

“I was afraid you never missed me at all.”

“No, Peg. Maybe it wasn't love for me, but you were still the most important person in my life. When the band was on the road. Everybody thinks touring is a glamorous circuit from city to city; bright lights, pretty girls, luxurious hotels and adoring fans. Actually it's a gantlet. I don't know how the big ones handle it year after year. Of course, my band wasn't in their league, but the issues had to be the same. Once, in Indiana, my drummer brought a stash of cocaine onto the stage. Then in the middle of a song he stopped playing and took a snort in front of five hundred people. It took a year to get him cleaned up, but he was never the same after that. He was constantly fighting against his habit, fighting with the other guys and mostly fighting with me. And, it all started when a hanger on somewhere got him hooked.

“The booze took me down. By the time
Lulu
became a hit, I was knocking down a fifth of scotch before noon every day. Then I'd start again as soon as the show was over
at night. Basically, I was drunk twenty-four hours a day. When I couldn't write anymore, I'd hear your voice in my head, bright and confident, telling me how everything would turn out okay. It didn't. Here I sit.”

“Alice said you were in a relationship.”

“Went the same way as the band.”

“What's her name?”

“Cindy.”

“Did alcohol push her away?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love her?”

“No.”

“After you disappeared, I began to wonder about that part of you. Most people, when they form a bond, find it hard to walk away. It didn't make sense to me that anyone could just cut it off without a word. People need closure. I certainly did. Last night, after Skip called, I knew I was going to find you and get it once and for all. I pretty much told Joe that was it.”

“He must be waiting and wondering right now.”

“He knows I'm coming back. No worries there, but he'll be curious. I'll tell him everything. By the way, he's a fan.”

“Knows some of the music?”

“Knows
all
of your music, has every record, played the Rathskeller in North Troy just like you. The difference is he can't sing. The first time we met, he was on onstage, guitar held up high like you, singing
Lulu
of all things. Here's this imposter, sitting in your place, trying with all his heart to sound like you. I told him, too. He just laughed and agreed with me. A few minutes later, he came over and asked for my phone number. Alice on the way in six months.”

“Nice story. I thought you were saving yourself.”

“You mean pregnant before I was married? I knew he was the one. I wasn't waiting anymore. What exactly did you do to this girl, Cindy?”

“I let her take the heat. I was never into all the acting that goes with the public persona. Half the time I was drunk. I'd say or do something embarrassing and she would be there to pick up the pieces.”

“That doesn't sound so bad.”

“She was in love with me. That's why she withstood all the crazy things I did. She has a stellar reputation in the industry. Smart, good with people and just plain beautiful. I was dragging her down.”

“Now? Apart from getting off scotch, what have you been doing with yourself?”

“Thinking through what to do now that my career is over.”

Peggy raised her eyebrows. “Why do you think it's over?”

“Because I'm a blank slate.”

She brushed his words away with a sweep of her hand. “That's ridiculous! Other than focusing on your drinking problem, you've done nothing to get your music back on track?”

“True enough.”

“Have you been playing, keeping your fingers nimble during this self-imposed exile?”

“I got reacquainted with the Gibson.”

“That's good. It means you can't be away from your music for long. So, like I asked earlier, what's your plan?”

Jimmy tossed his head back and laughed. “I have a feeling you're going to tell me.”

Peggy stood. “We need to go. I can't be late for the girls. No, that's your assignment. You think about the answer while we're hiking back.”

When they reached the bottom of the mountain Jimmy walked her to her car. Peggy turned to face him.

“Well, what have you decided?”

“To try writing some new music.”

“In my heart I know your career isn't over. It's taking a new direction.” She came forward and wrapped her arms around him. “Oh Jimmy, I missed you so much.”

He held her tight not wanting to let go. “What happens now?”

“You come to dinner and meet Joe and the girls. Then go back to New York and write music. Produce that musical you always dreamed about. Do it, Jimmy. I know you can.” He held the car door for her, relieved. She started the car. “Six o'clock.”

“I'll be there.”

Peggy's husband, if he had any misgivings about his wife's reconnecting with an old friend, didn't show it. The two men wandered through the barn, among the pure bred Holsteins filling the stalls. Alice and Charlene followed, occasionally asking questions about the stranger who had come to dinner. They headed back when Peggy summoned them over the intercom. Charlene nonchalantly took Jimmy's hand, leading the way.

“Got a little bit of her Aunt Alice in her,” Joe said, with a laugh. “Sees a man and heads straight for him.”

Hillary and Red walked across the field that stretched between the two properties and seated themselves at the dinner table opposite Jimmy. They tried to hide their curiosity, but their constant glances were too obvious. They gave up by dessert and peppered him with questions.

After the meal, Hillary, Joe and the girls took over the chore of cleaning up while Red retired to the living room. Peggy knew Jimmy wanted to leave. She stood by his side as he said his good-byes, and then walked him out to the porch and down the steps.

“Nice family, I'm grateful Hillary didn't come at me with a frying pan.”

Peggy laughed. “Never, she likes you. She was disappointed when I didn't bring you back that day.”

“And, Joe?”

“He and I have a date tonight. Like I said, we'll dissect everything about today.”

Jimmy took hold of the car door handle. “I wish I could take back the years.”

Peggy touched his shoulder, turning him back to look at her.

“Everything is going to be all right, Jimmy. You'll find your way. Just remember to keep in touch. I'm counting on you.” She kissed him on the cheek and squeezed his hand. Before letting go, she forced him to meet her eyes and whispered, “We must never lose each other again.”

Back in his cabin, unable to sleep, he took up the Gibson, and created a new song, his first in a very long time. He called it
‘Peg'
.

Unlike his nervous mother, Aaron felt only relief as the ship turned back to Melbourne. He had faced the long voyage to America with trepidation, doing it only for Melba because he knew she wanted to see her family again. His preference had always been to remain home and to be returning brought him only pleasure. His youth also engendered an unrealistic view of war. No doubt, what was happening in Europe was a righteous fight where men could prove their valor, defeat the enemy and return to the cheers of their countrymen. He fantasized about what he would do if he were in the army, carrying a weapon as he joined his fellow soldiers on a mission to free others from tyranny. He'd read about the many wars and pivotal battles that his British brothers had waged for King and Country. The Boer War, most recent, and not so very far away, captured his imagination. He devoured every book he could find about the conflict that finally tamed the hated Dutch rebels and solidified English dominance. The heroic dispatches, penned by Winston Churchill, had galvanized all of Australia. The narratives of the writer's own travails especially captivated Aaron as the young Churchill valiantly played cat and mouse with the Boers who scoured the country, trying to find and kill him so that the truth of their atrocities would be silenced. That all wars produce atrocities on both sides, never occurred to Aaron.