At Any Price (Gaming The System) (34 page)

“I know what I want,” he said in that firm, charged voice that held an angry undercurrent. “And when I put my mind to something I tend to get it.”

Heat flushed my face and I looked away from his dark, penetrating stare. “I hate to disappoint you, but in this case, you aren’t going to,” I replied.

He studied me for a long moment and I couldn’t take his scrutiny a minute longer. I pushed on his shoulders again and he slid off, unburdening me of his weight. I sat up and ran a hand through my hair while he rolled on his side and watched me.

“What are you afraid of?”

I clenched my teeth. “Who said I was afraid?”

“
I’m
saying it.”

Stiffening, I bent to snatch up my T-shirt and pull it over my head, turning my back to him in the process. “There are two of us talking here and only one of us is a proven liar. I’d stop talking if I were you.”

I jerked to my feet and began pacing in front of the bed. Adam watched me with enigmatic eyes the color of midnight. “Actually there’s only one of us really talking. Me.”

I smirked, gesturing at him sharply. “The proven liar. That’s just great.”

He shrugged. The movement was stiff, like he was faking it. “You’re the one who’s lying now.”

I halted, turning to him with arms crossed over my chest. “Oh? And what am I lying about?”

“Your feelings. About the fact that this doesn’t bother you. You don’t want to talk because you’re afraid of what this is going to start.”

Hot anger pooled, settled into my joints, stiffening them. “I’m pissed at you for not telling me the truth. How’s that? I may have been preparing myself to lose you tomorrow, but not Fallen.”

“You don’t have to lose either one of us,” he said quietly.

I put my hands to my forehead. The whole concept made my brain ache. “You are still two separate people in my head. I haven’t even had a chance to absorb any of this and you demand to know my feelings?
I
don’t even know what the fuck they are.”

He stood and walked toward me slowly, as if I were a scared rabbit that might hop away from any sudden movement. The ambient light gleamed on his muscular torso, his pants slung low on his hips. He was so damn sexy he took my breath away, even when he was irritating the hell out of me. He stood very close but didn’t touch me.

“Then allow yourself the time to figure it out. Give
us
the time.”

I sighed and looked away, off to the side, anywhere but at him. “No.”

His hands came up to take my shoulders in a gentle hold. When he spoke, his voice had a desperate edge to it. “Emilia—”

“No!” I gritted out between clenched teeth, finally meeting his gaze. “Explain to me about this fairy tale you are proposing. About how something like this is supposed to even work—even beyond the trust issues, which are monumental at this point. With my two jobs and preparing for medical school and your hundred-hour workweek, how would something like that work? Neither of us even date.”

“It’s not a fairy tale. It’s a real life, honest, grown-up relationship where two adults work out their differences once they decide they want to be together—”

I pulled back against his hold on my shoulders and he dropped his arms. I continued to back away. “Is all this because you feel guilty about us sleeping together even though you never planned for it to go this far?”

He shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “No.” His fist knotted.

“I think it
is.
”

His head darted up to pin me down with an angry glare. “Well, you’re
wrong.
You have no fucking idea what is going through my mind, so stop twisting things to support your cynical and warped view on the world.”

I stood still, stunned. I’d never seen an angry outburst from him. I put up a hand in surrender. “Fine. I’m sorry for doing that. I hate it when people do it to me.”

He fixed his unwavering gaze on me. “Why aren’t you willing to give it a chance?”

I took a deep breath. “Because I don’t want a relationship. Not with you. Not with anyone.”

“Why?”

Frustration crawled up my spine, tightening that knot between my shoulders. I put my hands to my temples, closing my eyes. “You are making me crazy, Adam.”

“Because I’m forcing this conversation when you want to avoid it? It’s been the elephant in the room for days—weeks, now—and I’m not going to shove it aside any longer, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. When we get back to California, I want to know where we stand.
Exactly
where we stand.”

My mouth set, irritation burning like hot lava. “You’ll be standing in your office somewhere in Irvine and I’ll be standing in my apartment in Orange.”

He folded his arms across his chest and angled his head, studying me. “I’m not amused.”

“Quit trying to save me. I don’t need you to save me.”

He blinked. “Emilia, I’m telling you I want you in my life. I want a relationship with you—as equals—and you somehow twist me into your knight protector coming to a meek maiden’s rescue?”

I sighed, suddenly feeling exhausted. “Isn’t that what it is?”

He shook his head. “That bastard really fucked you up good. He’s screwed you because in every decision you make for the rest of your life, you’ll never even consider trusting someone enough to allow them in.”

I tensed. “I did my therapy. I’m fine. That little shithead has no part in what decisions I make—”

He exhaled in exasperation. “I was talking about your father.”

Those words hit me like a blow, knocking my breath away. I held up a hand to ward off any more words he might consider hurling my way. Because they stung, like darts sinking into my skin.

I fought for breath. Memories of taunts on the playground from my erstwhile friends—
Mia doesn’t have a daddy. She’s never had a daddy.
At least their daddies came to see them on the weekends, or took them on fancy vacations once in a while. Mine just wished I’d never existed, if he ever thought of me at all.

I wasn’t the only child from a broken home. Well, that would imply that our home had ever been in one piece to begin with—but at least they knew their fathers, their paternal grandparents, their siblings, their heritage. Their
names.
Late at night sometimes I’d hear my mom crying. She’d rifle through a box of letters that I knew were from him. A box of letters that I wished I could burn when she wasn’t around.

She’d tried to tell me, once, who he was. She’d wanted desperately to talk to me about him—upset that I’d only heard the negatives from her and from my grandmother as I grew up. But I’d screamed at her. I’d thrown a vase against the wall and shouted that I never wanted to hear her speak a word about that scumbag. And I’d stormed out of the house.

He hadn’t cared about me. Why would I care about him? I tried to breathe, instantly aware of the truth behind Adam’s accusation. It burned me like the raging wildfires that screamed through the dry hills in autumn.

“Don’t even—” I said, baring my teeth.

He didn’t flinch, didn’t even move. “Hit a nerve, did I?”

“Fuck you,” I whispered, struggling to dam the tears. They clogged in my throat. I hadn’t cried in the longest time. I was a tough woman. But Adam had shredded my defenses in less than five minutes. He knew too much. I stepped back and gestured stiffly at him. “You don’t know shit about my father.”

His expression was grim, gaze focused on me like two laser beams. “I know he turned you into a coward. I know that every single man you look at for the rest of your life is tainted by him. And I know that you are running scared—not just about this but about your entire future. How many times did I tell you to go out and retake that goddamn test? You could’ve taken it a dozen times by now but you still haven’t. You keep studying and studying, hoping for that perfect moment when you’ll know
everything
because you’re afraid to fail. In your education, in your
life.
So you protect yourself in this little isolated cocoon you’ve built. You’re a
coward,
” he sneered.

“What—are you a fucking shrink now?” And I hated how my voice sounded, that strangled sob that escaped my lips on that last word. He heard it because his face changed immediately, softening for the slightest fraction of a second before I got in his face. I strode up to him and shoved against his chest. What I really wanted to do was throw my best right hook at his perfect jaw but, like my attempt at pushing him, it would have done nothing.

He caught my wrists and wouldn’t let go when I flailed them. His grip tightened, holding them still easily. I spoke between clenched teeth. “Get out of my head! You have no right to throw your amateur theories in my face because I make a decision you don’t agree with. Especially when you are so fucked up yourself!”

A warning gleamed in those coal-black eyes. “
I’m
fucked up?”

I nodded. Fury built inside of me like a pressure valve ready to blow. I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me. Lash out. Cut him deep. And I knew enough about him to do the damage.

“I
know
you are.” I took a deep breath. “You bought into the auction because you were trying to save me from myself. You say you aren’t my knight protector but you want to be. I’m not
her,
Adam. I’m not Sabrina and you can’t save her by saving me. It’s too late.”

His eyes fluttered closed, then open and his grip around my wrists tightened just slightly. “You think I don’t know that?”

I shook my head. “You’re just as big of an addict as she was—and your mother. You won’t touch hard liquor or drugs but you’ll numb yourself to exhaustion every day with work.”

He opened his mouth to protest but I rode over him, raising my voice. “Because you’re clever. You chose an addiction that was socially acceptable. In our culture, it’s a good thing to be a hard worker. People won’t suspect the real reason you do it, if you’re successful.” He paled but I couldn’t stop myself. I’d plunged that knife in, now I had to twist it.

“Admit it. Work fills the exact same need as drugs or booze or food. It numbs you, it keeps you at a distance from life. It shuts out everyone who loves you. Your uncle, your cousins. Your friends.”

He released my hands and stepped back as if I had burned him. I pressed forward, unwilling to cede my advantage. I gestured at him with a pointed finger. “I know exactly what would happen if we were in a relationship. Maybe I’d become a diversion for you for a little while, until you got bored or until the next time you had to get your junky fix. Which wouldn’t be long, I’m sure. Just like I know you went up to the business center last night after we had sex in the pool.” He blinked as if I’d slapped him. I gritted my teeth and delivered the last few words with all the venom I felt, still wounded from his accusations. “You have no heart of your own and yet you are trying to convince me to open up mine to you? No, Adam. No way.”

The cords on his neck pulled taught and his hands clenched into fists. He shook his head at me. “Unbelievable,” he whispered. We watched each other for long, tense moments, my fingernails clawing at my palms. I was flushed. He was pale. I was full of rumbling rage. He was simmering with quiet fury. We made an odd contrast in opposites.

His mouth tightened, and he shook his head. He turned from me and went to find his shirt where he’d hung it across the back of the chair by the desk. With short, jerky movements, he pulled it on and buttoned it.

I was anchored in my spot, unable to move, unable to speak. All I could do was feel—feel this pounding wave of agony washing over me as he withdrew, those hurtful words still saturating the air between us.

He grabbed his shoes, sat down and slipped them on. I watched, mute and helpless. Those words were like the threshold we’d crossed together earlier—something to hang between us forever, to link us together and push us apart. They could never be unspoken.

“Adam,” I whispered, suddenly fearing what he wouldn’t say more than what he would.

He looked at me, his eyes blank, cold. “You were right. What was I thinking? I’d finally decided I wanted a
woman
in my life. You’re just a sad, scared little girl.” He stood and spun, heading for the bathroom. And I was rooted, unable to move, breathe, think. Unable to focus on anything beside the pain blossoming inside me.

Minutes later, he reentered. I had gone to the couch, holding my knees to my chest, my mind racing with what to do, what to say. He walked to the door and turned back to me just before leaving. “I’m moving to another room for the night. I suddenly lost my desire to sleep here.”

I tipped my forehead onto my knees and he waited just a minute before jerking the door open and slamming it closed. I was cold inside. I could cry if I allowed myself, but the tears didn’t come. I squeezed my knees tighter to me, wondering what this meant. What would the plane ride home be like, sitting next to him, silent, seething?

And after that, after he dropped me off, then what? Never see each other again? That had been my clever safety mechanism, clearly delineated and structured from the start. But there was no deal to conclude. So what would be our conclusion? Complete and total estrangement—as if the fairy tale had never existed at all?

A tiny shard of glass pierced the center of my chest and my soul was bleeding. I didn’t want to think about it. Somewhere along the line, I moved to the bed and curled into a tight ball and fell into a restive, dreamless sleep.

Chapter Fifteen

I shouldn’t have worried about the plane ride home because he didn’t go home with me. In the morning, the majordomo brought me a note with my breakfast. It was a hurriedly scrawled and impersonal card, signed by Adam, saying he had business that would keep him in the region for another week and that he’d seen to all the arrangements to get me home safely.

Furiously, I shredded it, frustrated at his lack of willingness to compromise. It was all or nothing with him. So we would become strangers again because
he
had decided we should be strangers. My chest seized again in memory of our confrontation the night before. We’d hurled hurtful words like daggers and the wounds were still fresh, stinging. They might never heal.