Atonement (10 page)

told them John was coming alone this morning. He said he wanted to spend some alone time with me for a couple of hours before getting us all together. They seemed cool with that, although they all gave me the raised eyebrows for what that meant. I wasn’t sure either, I just knew, like I said, he liked surprises. He seemed very romantic. I was just hoping he would keep it toned down. I wasn’t ready for anything over the top in that area yet.

Those thoughts of course sent me in the direction of Tate. I was still in a state of shock. I loved him so much. I felt like he threw us… our future away. Why? I couldn’t go there. I would get sucked in to that dark tunnel, and may not be able to come out this time. It was never ending despair for me. I needed a reprieve, or else, I didn’t think I would make it. God help me, I couldn’t believe I was here again.

My rescue came at 10 AM in the form of a loud, engine revving Harley Davidson Street Glide. Oh boy…John! He pulled up in a solid black, sleek motorcycle. I could hear it coming down the street even before he arrived. I had on a sundress, my usual beach attire, and flip flops. Did I say ‘oh boy’? What in the world?

I watched in awe as he neared the lobby doors carrying his helmet and sunglasses in his hand. I guess what I’ve always heard about ‘a man and his motorcycle’ is true! Man was he HOT! Would I ever get used to seeing his piercing blue eyes, dark hair, and gorgeous body. My heart skipped a beat. Coming up to me, he quickly wrapped his other arm around my waist, and planted a sweet kiss on my cheek.

“Reese, you look as beautiful as ever. I’m so glad this worked out.” He paused long enough to study my face a moment, then spoke again. “Hey, I have something for Elle. I know she’ll be alone some this week. I don’t want her to get too bored, so I have an unlimited open account for her at the resort spa and at the wine bar.” He produced an envelope from his pocket and ran it over to the front desk. Then, he jogged back over to me, “come on, I’ve got plans for us,” and with that he ushered me out. He had his hand on the small of my back, such a gentleman, and he was basically leading me to his bike. That’s when I remembered.

“John, um, I have on a…dress. I don’t think that’s usually what one wears on a motorcycle. Should I go change?” I wasn’t quite sure what to do.

“Nah, you’ll be just fine. Make sure you sit on your dress so it won’t fly up in the back.” He was smirking at me a little. I didn’t mean to sound silly, but I knew I wouldn’t want everyone behind me seeing my black thong if my dress blew up in the wind!

He handed me a helmet and touching my inner thigh he said, “Just be sure and watch the chrome pipes down low. They could burn you if you touch your skin to them.” That sent chills up my spine. This was going to be an experience. I
could already tell. “I’ll try to go slow,” he said finally. ‘Try’ being the optimal word. Here we go, I thought.

I hadn’t ridden a motorcycle in, well…ever. I had no idea how utterly intimate it could be. John sat near the front and told me to swing my legs around him, making sure I sat on my dress real tight. Then he made sure I scooted up as close as possible to him. Oh my. He pulled my arms around his waist and made me promise to hold on tight, my chest against his back. The position was so very…close. I took in a couple of short breaths. He noticed, and looked back into my eyes.

“Are you okay Reese?” He asked with the right side of his mouth turned up into a smile.

“Yeah, sure. I just have to get used to it that’s all.” I said.

“I sure hope you do… get used to this Reese. I can see us riding like this for a long time to come. I love you scooted up so close to me,” he said. Before turning the bike on, he leaned back to me. I love your touch Reese. I’ll take it any way I can get it. This,”…he motioned to his back and my chest, “is wonderful. It feels so right to me. I can’t believe we’re together like this.” Then he started it up, revving the engine. I wasn’t sure what to feel. We were great together, and part of me loved he was here, and that we were doing this, together so closely. The other part of me wanted Tate here instead. I was supremely jealous of Lauren, and devastated he dropped me…for her…and for baseball. A flashback to Tate and me making out so heavily in my bedroom at Emerald Isle last summer made my breath catch. He told me he would never stop loving me…I told him I would never let him go. What happened? All of a sudden my heart hurt again. Tears came to the surface in my
eyes. I didn’t realize John was looking straight back at me while we were stopped at a light.

“Reese…what is it? Are you okay?” he was simply confused and worried.

“Oh, I’m okay John…or at least I will be. I’m sorry, let’s go okay?” I was trying to urge him to take off.

“Look, I know you have a long ways to go, but I’m here for the long haul. Please, don’t hide your feelings from me. He reached around grabbing my thigh. “Promise me Reese, I need to know you aren’t lying to make me feel better.”

“John, you’re so sweet and caring,” I suddenly got strength from down deep “I love being with you and spending time with you. I don’t want you to ever feel like I don’t think a lot of you, okay?”

His face quickly fell to a flat expression. I think I had just inadvertently hurt his feelings. I know he wanted me to have even greater feelings for him. I did in a way, but there was no way I could voice them, at least not yet…

“I know Reese, I know you do…” Then he turned to the front of the bike, ready to take off again. The breeze blew a new feeling across my heart. I began to be more carefree with each block we rolled past. I leaned in closer to John putting my hands tighter around his waist. His shoulders seemed to relax more, and I leaned my chin up to his shoulder. I
felt
him smile. My gold and diamond Tiffany bracelets dangled in the wind. When we stopped at a light, he reached down and caressed my hand, and the wrist my bracelets were on. He was claiming my affection by pointing out what I was wearing he had given me. I was reluctantly allowing my heart to agree, at least for the moment.

John rode me all over La Jolla and even down in to Gaslamp, where his yacht was docked. We agreed to try that experience out with everyone tomorrow or the next day.

I was enjoying the ride with John. He smelled so good and despite the cool breeze, he felt warm and a bit intoxicating to be with. We stopped at an Italian nook of a restaurant that he said was completely authentic and delicious. He wanted me to try it out. He also ordered me a mojito and him a beer. It was nice sitting with John, just the two of us. He kept a smile on his face. I know he’d been hoping we could be like this for some time now. It just dawned on me that deep down I planned that we never would.

“John, how did you know Tate would screw our relationship up? I mean you said so from the beginning that he would. I had such faith in us. I would have sworn that we would have never broken up again.” I was curious, I hated to bring it up, but I had always wondered.

“Um…” He looked at a loss for words, maybe the first time I had ever seen him that way. “Well, I don’t know how to explain it. I just knew that if you had allowed some secrets that weren’t what they appeared, to divide you both last year, then your heart wasn’t fully vested to talk with Tate and to forgive him.” I had a shocked look on my face.

“Really, you thought that. Huh, I guess you’re kind of right. I mean looking back maybe that was the reason I didn’t give him enough chances in the beginning to explain himself. I don’t know.” Actually, that may have been the case then, but now, now was a whole different story. We had given our hearts (minus the sliver that I held on to for John) to each other. Then I had a revelation. Maybe Tate was still holding on to that
sliver he still had for Lauren. I never imagined he would still have feelings for her, but somehow they must have strengthened. I had to move on.

“So how is your corporation doing John? Do you have to travel much?” He sat back in his seat, his arms crossed and a cute expression on his face.

“A little, here and there, I just came back last week from Indonesia. I have another trip planned for Germany in a couple of weeks. Reese, will you come with me some time?” Then he leaned forward and grabbing both of my hands he said very seriously, “I want to show you the world Reese. I hope this is only the beginning.” His sincerity and excitement was hopeful.

“John, I think those places sound spectacular, but right now I have to focus on my studies and getting my degree. I want to be an anesthesiologist. Did I tell you that? That’s going to take some time…”

“Oh? That’s great Reese. You’re so smart, and that is a great goal, but if you had someone to take care of you, you wouldn’t need to finish all of that would you?” I was quiet for a moment.

“Uh, no matter who is ‘taking care of me’, I would have to have a degree in what I would want to do. I have to know I could use my degree to have my own identity. You understand that don’t you John?”

Another smile played across his lips. “I guess as much as I would like you to have the world without having to work for it, that’s one of the things I love about you, your drive and independence.”

We talked and laughed for over an hour, then we decided to go roll out on a private beach. John had beach towels in his saddle bag, as well as a bathing suit for him and me. I was
shocked when he handed me a white and gold bikini, the tag on it still read $395.

“John, when did you get this?” holding it out I realized it was my size, “and how did you know it would fit?” I couldn’t believe he was this prepared.

With a touch on my cheek, he said, “go try it on okay, there’s a changing room there,” as he pointed to a door. When I came back out, John was looking as gorgeous as ever in his swim trunks and unbuttoned lightweight shirt exposing his trim and tan body. My skin got a little flushed looking at his perfectness.

“Damn Reese. You look like a goddess.” He motioned for me to turn around. “I knew it would fit like a glove. Come on. I have our towels laid out. Let’s go relax.”

And relax we did. Rihana’s ‘We Found Love’ was playing in the background from John’s iPhone. The lyrics were soothing us, and John leaned over caressing my face with his hands, his body nearly touching on my right side. I turned to face him a little, otherwise the sun was too bright for me lying flat and looking up. When I did, our mouths became so close. My breathing changed quickly, as did his.

“Reese you are so beautiful, this is still a dream to me…you and me here like this. Do you remember when I first asked you if I could kiss you? You didn’t say no, but you didn’t say yes. I want to kiss you now, is it okay?” He was staring at my eyes, then a glance down to my lips. I couldn’t take my eyes off of his lips.

I gave a slight nod of my head, and that was all it took. He leaned in softly sweeping his lips over mine. Our eyes were closed, our breathing sharp, I could feel him trembling at our
touch. His kiss deepened. I’m not sure if it was because he was giving out up on his elbow, or because he wanted to move forward, but he gently lowered me back on the towel, throwing his left leg over my body. I was melting to his form. Our tongues eagerly found the other, as he would pause to nip at my lower lip or the side of my mouth. His kisses were tantalizing…and they almost made me forget everything…almost.

“John,” I managed to speak even though our lips were mashed together. “Hey, we need to take it slow.”

I could feel his arousal on top of me; he was rubbing up against me now through his swim trunks on my most sensitive area. I could feel the heat rising all over my body. I didn’t know how long I could keep this up. I sucked in a quick breath and pulled back.

“John…I can’t…I’m sorry,” He placed his forehead on mine, and let out a long breath.

“No, I know. I just, I’m trying to rush things I know, I’m just scared Reese. I want you so badly.” He had a look of pain on his face and his hands were still trembling near my neck.

“Why rush things?…I…I…need to take them slow.” I couldn’t jump in to another relationship this quickly. My heart was still raw from being brutally broken.

“I need you Reese, all of you. I’ve been so patient to wait for you, but now that I have you, I’m afraid of losing you. I want you. I need you, forever. I love you.” His eyes were pleading with me.

“Oh John, no, you can’t need me that much, that can’t be good for you. I need time. I need to heal from my breakup with Tate.” Saying those words out loud caused my voice to catch and tears to rush to the surface. It was still so fresh, the pain of losing Tate.

“Reese, let me help you heal. Please, I need to be with you, I don’t want to go anytime without you. I want a future with you.” What was he saying? “I plan to be the one to take care of you Reese, I plan to be your husband one day.”

Shit…I was afraid that was where he was going… “John, you’re just caught up in the moment. We can’t. We can’t rush this, I know you’re older than me and you are already set financially and in your career, but I have so much more to do and accomplish. I mean I do love you, but…”

Then his lips were on mine again. The passion I felt from him was overwhelming. “You love me Reese?” he said between kisses. “You just made me the happiest man alive.” Oh no, what did I just do, I thought? Of course I love him, I have strong feelings for him, but I love… I love…no, I can’t say it.