Atonement (13 page)

ohn and I rode on his Harley to the hospital. I hung on to his waist with my cheek against his strong back the entire way. I wanted him to feel secure, but I also was in deep thought. Part of me was so nervous to see Tate. I was hoping his dad was out of the woods, but I was also hoping Tate wouldn’t be overly emotional. I couldn’t take seeing him cry. I never could. John lovingly patted my knee and squeezed it before we turned into the parking lot. My heart was racing.

Once we were at the ER desk, I quickly found out his dad was back in the cardiac cath lab. He was having a procedure to see how much his arteries were blocked and to check out the heart muscle damage that had been done. While showing us to the waiting room, they explained he was in and out of consciousness. I knew Tate would be pacing the floors. I was hoping he wasn’t alone. Right before we got to the entrance, I turned to John. “Hey, would it be okay if you waited right here? I…I don’t want him hurting any more than he already is, and he would be angry to see you here with me…okay?” I looked at him with my most sincere expression. I was willing him to agree.

He stared at me for a long moment, then hugging me he said, “I’ll be down in the lower waiting room where the nasty hospital coffee is.” He said with a slight smile and chuckle. “Come find me when you get done…okay? But hey, I’m coming to get you if he tries to keep you too long.” After a quick kiss, I saw his back only as he was walking away. I noticed for a brief second how dang attractive and authoritative he was. I was lucky to have him in my life.

I slowly opened the door, afraid of how the next few moments were going to go. My head and eyes were down, I suddenly wasn’t sure about my decision to come here. When I lifted them, they were locked on Tate’s. His eyes were red, and I heard his breath catch when he saw me. I almost ran into his arms. Oh God, how I had missed Tate. What is wrong with me that I can’t make up my mind? Please God, I need some help here! Seeing him…especially like this, made my heart hurt…and squeeze tight…again. I immediately started to cry. Ahhh, my emotions! They would tell all of my secrets, one way or another.

“Reese…you came. How did you?...Oh God…” He practically ran across the room, grabbing me in a forceful embrace. He was hugging me, his shoulders shaking, and crying into my neck. I started crying too. His feel, his touch, his breath…my Tate. Oh God. My heart was betraying me. It was like it was finally back home. Tate’s muscular arms were squeezing me, his chest pressed into mine.

“Tate. I’m so sorry about your dad. Elle told me what happened. Has there been any change? Any change at all?”

He had a look of relief wash over his features. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was here, and we were actually hugging, or because his dad was better.

Hugging me tight again, he said “It’s not good Reese. After what they found in the cath lab, they rushed him in to have emergency bypass surgery. They’re trying to save his heart…” His frame was shaking again. I was rubbing his back. Oh God, I hated to see him this way.

“Tate, can I pray…please?” He shook his head yes. We said a prayer out loud for his dad, and I mostly prayed that Tate would have peace about whatever happened now or in the future, especially about his dad. He seemed so grateful, and was wiping his eyes right before he grabbed my hands. Pulling them up to his mouth, he kissed them both gingerly. He was about to say something when he looked down at what he had kissed on my right ring finger. Turning it toward his face to have a better look, his confused expression quickly turned to fear. His breath caught in his chest.

“Reese. What in the hell? Please…” He was crying loudly now. “Please tell me this is not you and…and John? I don’t understand.” A flash of anger spread across his face.

He dropped to his knees. “Why! Why Reese. Why do you hate me? I love you…God, I love you so much…I don’t want to live without you…can’t you see that? Please, don’t do this.” He was pleading with me. I broke down this time. I was sobbing hysterically. I reached down and cupped his face in my hands…his beautiful, devastated face.

“I don’t want you to hurt like this Tate. I came to let you know I was thinking about you and praying for you during this time when your father is so sick. Please don’t take it for
anything more…I can’t be here for anything but friendship and…and… history.” I was willing him to understand that what we had was in the past. As much as I would have never changed our course on purpose, he had. I had to remind myself of that very important game changer.

“No, Reese. I’m so sorry I kept things from you, but I never really cheated on you. I fell into the long-term goals my dad and Lauren’s dad had for my future. But, it was never about her, I promise. I was just afraid to tell you. I didn’t want you to be insecure. I was wrong…I should have told you from the beginning. She…she made a pass at me…tried to kiss me after I had a few beers, but I didn’t kiss her back.” I was stunned. Was this really how it all played out? Did he really never want Lauren? But I couldn’t deny all that he had kept from me, and the kiss displayed for all in the newspaper. I quickly regained my composure.

“Tate, that’s in the past. It’s okay. I have moved on from it. Please tell me you will too. I know you’re with Lauren now. She can do more for your career anyway. It will be fine…you’ll see.” I cringed; my skin crawled at my last comment. No way could him being with Lauren be better for me. All I wanted was for the lies, and his time with Lauren to be wiped out of our history.

Just then, the door opened. I kept my eyes on Tate. His expression changed from sadness, to terror in a matter of seconds. He looked from me to the person at the door. When I turned around, I got the confirmation I needed. It was Lauren. She was standing at the door…she had come to be with him. Well…that’s what girlfriend’s did I guess. And, in my case, what old girlfriend’s did too. It hurt…God, it hurt. I wasn’t even
thinking I would see her here. But, why wouldn’t I…I was getting ready to tell Tate goodbye when his deep, harsh voice broke the silence.

“Lauren, could you give us some privacy please!” Was I mistaken or did Tate actually seethe those words he spoke to Lauren?

She seemed to stare a hole straight through me as she walked over to Tate and put both hands on his arm to show how affectionate they were. Then she said, “sure babe, I’m heading to the vending area. Text me if I can bring you anything.” He gave a quick shake of the head, then he looked at me expectantly. I was probably staring at her with an open mouth. Her long blonde hair, and tan lean body was killing me. She had on a very expensive looking green, silk, SHORT dress with heels that accentuated her calf muscles; of which I’m sure she spent hours daily earning in the gym. I down right hated her. There, it’s true. The feelings I had when I see her couldn’t be healthy.

When I snapped back to the present, I simply smiled at Tate. I knew it, this is where things were. I was crazy to let my heart fold for even a moment. Crap, it hurt all over again. He had allowed Lauren to pull him away from me…now I had further proof. She was here for him, with him, and she called him ‘babe’. It was time for me to go.

Closing my eyes I sucked in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Anyway Tate. I’m sorry. Please tell Finn to keep us updated. I…I hope it turns out okay for your dad. I really do. I gave him a quick hug. I wanted him to realize I was okay with him moving on. He was protesting, because he knew I was serious. I wasn’t about to cave knowing Lauren was here for him.

“Reese, she isn‘t supposed to be here. I’m so sorry for everything. I never planned this…this isn’t what it looks like.” He sounded desperate, like he was trying to fit the last few weeks into a few seconds. “She follows me everywhere I go. I don’t want her. Sure she has helped me…with baseball, with trying to get over you, she has been here, but I don’t love her. I love you.”

As soon as he admitted that she had helped him get over me, I knew there was so much more to
them
. I also knew how much he had kept me in the dark since Christmas.

“Tate, please don’t…don’t go there. I can’t trust you. You kept so much from me, then you lied to me, and you moved on…so quickly. Pictures say a thousand words…even when the one photographed is too much of a coward to admit it.” I cringed because I felt like I was also talking about myself, and how I had turned to John. But the truth was, that never would have happened if I were still with Tate.

He looked confused at first, but then it registered. “You’re mad over the kiss. I get it…I would have been livid too. In fact, I can’t get the image of you kissing John, your body pressed up to his on the back of his bike, out of my head. Damn it Reese. Why did you have to do that? I’ve been going crazy…and now my dad.” He was pacing then he stepped quickly toward me, grabbing my shoulders he said, “I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. Everything that has ever happened, she instigated. I pulled away, EVERY time! Please believe me. I don’t want us to be over…ever. My life belongs with you…my future has to be you and me…Reese, please.” He smashed his lips up to mine. For a brief second my body relaxed. I wanted to cave, his lips felt so natural, so whole. But my brain quickly caught
up with what was happening. I couldn’t…I needed to get away before I gave in.

“I’ve got to go Tate. I…please update me through Finn. I wish your dad the best.”

I rushed out of the room, just as the doctor was coming in. I was thankful, I think, that Tate couldn’t run after me.

walked briskly down to the vending machines where I expected to see John making a cup of the awful hospital coffee. I was sure he would be worried about my contact with Tate. I was thinking of what to say to him as I was nearing the room when I heard talking. I recognized one of the voices as John’s, but I didn’t quite catch the other voice. It was the voice of a female. I stopped short of entering, and leaned back against the door frame. I wasn’t sure why, but I was eager to listen to them without them knowing I was there.