August (The Year of The Change Book 2) (20 page)

“What happened?” Brows were pulled up and his eyes were wide.

I must’ve looked as bad as I felt. “I learned a very valuable lesson, today.” I walked past him to the door. Destiny opened it for me. “Never get between two really strong guys who really want to fight.” I went inside.

Dad was close behind. “Sylv, are you alright?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m alright. I just need to lock myself in my room and not come out until the New Year.” I turned for the stairs and waved Destiny off. “Thanks for helping me home.” I didn’t look back at my good friend. This made episode number seven. If this didn’t drive her away, then she’s amazing.

The last thing I wanted was company. I wanted to be alone. My body now ached all over and tears were fighting their way to the surface. Two long sets of stairs later, I locked the door to my room.

The best time for
me
to find a boyfriend is now, because of The Change. But I couldn’t have a boyfriend now because of The Change. I was caught between need—  or was it desire—  and The Change. A rock and a hard place.

I threw myself on my bed and cried. And to top it off, I didn’t get even one of Emma’s cinnamon rolls. I cried harder and my stomach joined in.

Mt. St. Helen in Jeans

The only thing that got me to leave my self-imposed prison was my stomach throwing a tantrum when Tim came up and yelled through the door that it was dinnertime. My stomach dragged me out of bed and forced me down the stairs.

I moped all the way to the dining room and plopped in my chair, unable to look up. Okay, so I was feeling sorry for myself. I knew that. I hurt so bad I couldn’t stop the way I felt. I propped my face in my hands and waited for the others so I could shut my stomach up and return to my solitude.

Solitude, something I would have to learn to like since that’s what my life was going to be. Oh sure, I would have my family and friends. There was no doubt the twins would give me lots of nieces and nephews. All my friends would take pity and have their kids call me Auntie. But at the end of the day, I would go home … alone. My throat constricted and I fought the tears waiting at the floodgates.

The others came to the table and continued their lives around me. I shut out everything and concentrated on filling my stomach and not feeling anything. Towards the end of the meal, Dad decided I’d been too quiet and tried to get me to open up. Destiny must’ve told him what happened and now he wanted to talk about it. Why didn’t he just stick knives in my heart and make it easier on both of us?

After the third attempt, he became angry with me. “Sylvia Kennin, I’m speaking to you.”

“Yeah, I know.” I was too depressed to worry about his anger. If he hit me, he hit me, I didn’t care.

“Sylvia Ann, that is enough, you need to snap out of it.”

Somehow his words broke through my depression. I raised my head and looked at him … as his words collided with my anger.

“Snap out of it?
SNAP out of it
?!” My vision sharpened through red fire. “You have no idea what I’m going through.” I pushed away from the table. “You haven’t a clue how hard this is!” I stood and didn’t care that the chair wobbled and almost fell over. “You aren’t the one having everything you ever wanted thrown at you and you can’t have any of it.” I circled the dining room. “You aren’t the one, when this is all done, who will be all alone because all your chances won’t be there anymore!! You have someone … I don’t have somebody and I will never have somebody!!!!!”

I ran from the room, raced up the stairs, and closed and locked my door. I looked around for somewhere to hide, a cave, a hole, anything.

There it was, its maw beckoned to me. I crawled into the little space with the suitcases and cried. My dad banged on the door. He wanted me to unlock and let him in. I curled up next to the good set of luggage. The sobs drowned out the noise my father made.

As I cried, the faces of all the boys who had vied for my attention paraded through my mind. Hundreds of boys I couldn’t have, this year. Next year, they wouldn’t want me. I was going to end up a freak and all alone. I cried myself to sleep among the dust and cobwebs.

Chattering drilled into my clouded brain. I opened my eyes to find my friend, the squirrel, all blurry. He looked at me. There was just enough light from the open window, for me to be sure it was my friend and not a very large mouse.

My head throbbed as I sat up. The squirrel scurried away. On all fours I crawled out. It was the odd twilight outside my windows. The clock next to my bed read 11:18.

With effort, I stood and went to my bathroom. The sudden light blinded and I had to wait a minute for my eyes to adjust before I could look in the mirror. Dirt streaked my face where the dust mixed with my tears. I washed it off and looked again as I toweled dry. Puffy eyes and a red face greeted me. Who cared? I turned my back on the image and flipped the switch on my way out.

The squirrel chattered on the window sill. I knelt beside the opening and laid my head on the ledge. My little friend preened. Still, no name came to mind. Nothing sounded right to me. Tonight I wasn’t even going to try to think of a name with my mind in such a tight knot.

A cool breeze blew across my hot face and felt good. On the next street a dog howled. Another dog answered and then another. In all, five dogs communicated by the time they were quiet. I wished it was that easy for people. I wasn’t good at it. My computer caught my eye and I thought about emailing Donny, I owed him a note. I didn’t have the energy, so it would have to wait until tomorrow.

Out the window, the mountains were bathed in muted twilight, the western range purple in shadow. My friend finished preening and came to lie by my chin. It snuggled in and I felt comfort from the sound of its breathing and the feel of warm fur on my skin. I wondered if this simple creature was aware of my sadness or just wanted to share my body heat. We lay like that until the grandfather clock struck midnight.

I’d chilled. When I moved, the squirrel jumped nimbly to the fire escape and up to the roof. I closed the window and curtains before I shuffled to my bed. Shivering, I pulled the edges of my blanket over me and fell asleep.

My eyes opened to a crowded room of boys. They reached for me like always. When I reached for them they turned their backs to me. If I ran, they chased, but if I tried to go to one of them they all ran from me.

Eli was there on the edge of the crowd. He stood with his arms folded over his bare chest just watching. He never tried to reach for me and I was uncomfortable going to him. I wanted him more than all the rest, but knew he was so far out of my galaxy that I was wasting a dream on him.

The whole night my heart ached. I would never have someone special to share my life with.

Darkest Before the Dawn

My head was splitting when I woke and my stomach threw another tantrum. I lay, swathed in all my blankets, on the floor at the foot of my bed. This was getting ridiculous. What was wrong with me? If it hadn't been for Thursday night, when I got out of the house, this whole sleepwalking thing would only be creepy and almost laughable. Now it had me scared.

Oh, well. I gathered my bedding and got up. I hated The Change.

I didn’t bother putting on fresh clothes. What I slept in last night would do. Since I had no inclination to use the brush, I didn’t even look at it. Who cared what I looked like, anyway? I wouldn’t have even left my room if my stomach would’ve shut up.

To my surprise, Sue didn’t say anything when I clomped down the stairs. Maybe she’d given up hope I would stop being an `elephant’ and be quiet. Although it was past ten, she didn’t say anything about me being late either. She must’ve figured I would just fly off the handle again if she did. Her weird stepdaughter was now neurotic.

She pulled out waffles as soon as I entered the kitchen. They were a little dried out from warming in the oven for so long. I didn’t care. They would fill my stomach and that was all that mattered. All was quiet as I sat at the table and dug in. I owed Sue an apology, but was too tired to give it.

Sue didn’t speak before she left the kitchen. It was best. I doubted I could have held up my end of a two second conversation.

All the waffles on the tray were gone before my gluttony was satisfied. What was I saying, it was never satisfied. I hated my stomach. I hated everything about me, most of all my appetite. I rinsed my dishes and stacked everything by the sink.

For a moment, I stood in the middle of the kitchen and stared at the floor, dreading the effort it would take to go up to my room and then back down for the next meal. Oh, well, couldn’t be helped. As I passed the dining room the large antique china bowl of fruit that Sue kept for us to snack on caught my eye. As I lifted the bowl carefully into my arms and went to the stairs, something niggled at the back of my brain. I ignored it. Now I wouldn’t have to come down for the next meal. My stomach merely laughed at me.

I met Tim on the stairs as I started up.

“You feelin’ better, Sylv?”

With a shake of my head, I silently continued the climb. Safely behind my locked door, I put the bowl of fruit beside my bed. My stomach could wait until later.

Crawling under the covers, I closed my eyes. “Where are you Gram? I need you.” I rolled over and cried myself to sleep.

Around two, Tam knocked. “Sylv, Destiny’s here to see you.”

I rolled over and tried to focus my swollen eyes. “Tell her I don’t feel well, I’ll call her later.” I rolled back and pulled a blanket over my head.

“Sylv, let me in, please.” It was Destiny.

With a groan, I clenched my teeth. There was no way I would be able to handle my emotions enough to try to be civil with my good friend. All I could do was cry. The tears came and I buried my head under my pillow so she couldn’t hear me sob and I couldn’t hear her pleas to let her in.

She must’ve given up and gone away because when I woke again, around four, Emma knocked at my door. I didn’t have the strength to get up.

“Sylvia, darling, please unlock your door and let me in.” I didn’t answer. “I have brought tea and cinnamon rolls.”

My stomach tried to drag me out of bed, but I fought it back.

“Sylvia, please let me in.”

I didn’t want to be rude to the sweet and wonderful Emma, but I didn’t have it in me to do what she wanted.

My voice was raspy when I answered. “I’m sorry, Emma, I can’t. Please don’t ask this of me today.”

There was a pause and I just knew I’d hurt her feelings.

“I will leave the tea and rolls on the step. Don’t wait too long or the tea will get cold.”

“Thank you.” I whispered.

Her steps grew fainter. I still couldn’t make myself get up, even though my stomach tugged incessantly on me. I dozed a little.

My friend chattered on the sill and I rolled over to look. It took a moment for my sleepy eyes to focus. There was something about the small creature that gave me the strength to sit up, that and my stomach yelling at me. A flip of the covers and I lowered my feet to the floor. The squirrel came running and chattered at my toes as I stood. My stomach wouldn’t be denied any longer and I hobbled to the door. On the top step was one of Emma’s silver trays with her red rose tea pot and a cup with yellow roses. Next to that was a covered plate of ten luscious cinnamon rolls.

With the tray firmly in my grasp, I closed and locked my door before shuffling back to my bed. Once settled, my friend joined me. The first roll I simply inhaled and had to moan, it tasted so good. The squirrel watched closely. I didn’t know if squirrels could or would eat rolls, but I pinched off a small piece and offered it. My friend sniffed before grabbing it and nibbling away. I devoured another and poured a cup of tea. It was room temperature, but still tasted good. Chamomile, Emma had remembered that I liked it. I drank the whole cup and poured another.

Tea time with my little friend made a crack in my mood and a little bit of joy seeped in. From each roll I pinched off a piece to share. The first five pinches the squirrel kept up, but on the sixth it lagged behind. By the seventh pinch it was sound asleep. I’m afraid I’d eaten my friend under the table, so to speak. It was more of a surprise that it wasn’t bouncing around the room on a sugar high. As it snored, I stroked its back.

The motion of gently touching my little friend's fur calmed me. My mood shifted slightly upward. I looked around my room and breathed deeply. Totally irrational is what I’d been … about everything. What was wrong with me?

Sure, I wanted a boyfriend and sure, Caleb would make a great one. Not as good as Eli, but worth having all the same. But I didn’t usually behave like this. The lesson that tantrums weren’t tolerated had been taught to me at a young age. I learned to grin and bear it, knowing it would eventually slide off my back. Or I would relegate it to storage somewhere in my brain where everything beyond my control was kept. Spouting all my feelings for everyone to hear was horrifying to me. And to top it off, everyone must hate me now. So embarrassed by my behavior, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to face anyone … ever again.

I finished the last roll.

There was a knock on my door. “Sylvia?”

“Yes, Tam?”

“It’s time for dinner. Please come down.” Her small worried voice made me feel even more ashamed of myself.

How could I have done that to her? I shook my head, berating myself internally. “Yes, Tam, I’ll be right down.”

Her voice brightened. “Oh, good, I’ll see you at the table.”

She ran downstairs. Carefully, I crawled out of bed and left my friend to sleep off its cinnamon roll stupor. Before unlocking the door I paused and took a deep breath. Another deep breath and I gathered all my courage. Now to face my family and the apologies I needed desperately to give.

I went down the stairs as quietly as I could so I wouldn’t annoy Sue. They were all seated around the table and watched my decent into the hall. Contrite, and with head down, I went to my seat.

Everyone was quiet and Dad asked Tim to say the blessing.

After the blessing, Dad cleared his throat. “There’s something that needs to be said before we start passing the food.” My stomach grumbled at the delay.

He paused and I knew it was my cue to apologize.

“I know.” I looked everyone in the eye then looked at my plate. “I’m sorry I behaved so horribly. It was wrong of me to treat ya’ll like I did. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m just not handling things very well right now.” I grabbed my napkin and wiped my flooding eyes. “Please forgive me, I promise to try harder.” The knot in my throat cut off all words and I couldn’t go on without bawling.

Everyone was quiet as a chair scraped against the hardwood floor. Dad’s strong hands pulled my chair out and turned me towards him. He knelt beside me, took my face in his large hands and forced me to look at him.

There were tears in his eyes. “Sylv, we forgive you. We just hope you’ll forgive us.”

What did they need to be forgiven for? I was dumbfounded.

“We had no idea this was so hard for you. You seem to take everything in stride and don’t talk about how you feel. We thought everything was fine.”

“You guys haven’t done anything wrong. Ya’ll have been really good about all this … weird stuff.” I sniffled and looked at Sue. “You spend most of your time making wonderful food and lots of it.” I paused as I swallowed. “I’m sorry for taking your bowl.” Her brows lifted. I looked at Dad’s watery eyes. “You’ve been good natured about having to be my bodyguard and have paid for everything. I’ve taken you for granted and I’m sorry.”

He hugged me. “That’s what dads do.”

I hugged him back.

I looked at the twins. “Tim … Tam … You put up with me and all the restrictions this stupid Change puts on all of us. After The Change I’m going to find some way to make this up to you.”

Tam reached over and touched my hand. “It’s okay, Sylv, we know it’s not your fault.”

Tim huffed. “Speak for yourself … I’ve got plans.”

I chuckled as Dad shot him a rebuke. I could just imagine what he might have up his sleeve. “Okay, Tim, you’re on. If I can do it and it’s legal, you’ve got it.” He smiled despite Dad’s continued frown.

A real smile unfolded and it felt good. The dark cloud that had incased me since Caleb and Richard fought finally lifted.

I sighed. “Now I need to apologize to Destiny and Emma.” I sighed again, hoping I hadn’t done too much damage that it couldn’t be repaired. Would this be the weird event that drives my only friends away?

Dad hugged me tighter before he let me go and stood up. “Not before you eat.”

My stomach agreed and grumbled loudly. Everyone laughed. Yep, we were getting back to normal. “I won’t miss my vocal digestive tract, though.”

Tim passed the potatoes and we all settled into pleasant dinner conversations while enjoying Sue’s famous pot roast.

With their help, I just might survive until my seventeenth birthday … just maybe. Only time would tell.