Avenger (Impossible #3) (6 page)

“Sean,” I breathed his name, cutting him off.  “There’s nothing to forgive.  Nothing that’s happened to me has been your fault.  I can see that now.  And
I’m
the one who betrayed
you
by going to the FBI.”

“You didn’t betray me,” he said softly.  “You saved me.”

His eyes were sparkling as he leaned down into me, and I experienced something that I thought I would never again experience in my life: the feeling of Sean’s lips against mine.  He was tentative at first, as though he was uncertain whether or not I would welcome his intimate touch.  I responded instantly and voraciously, pressing up into him, eagerly shaping my lips around his.  Our mouths molded to one another perfectly as he began to take me more confidently.  We poured all of our grief into the kiss, our shared pain fuelling the intensity of it as we clung to each other.  I don’t know how long we remained locked in one another’s embrace, losing ourselves in our passion. 

But my busy mind wouldn’t stay quiet forever, and a horrible thought occurred to me, jerking me out of our perfect moment.  I pulled away reluctantly.

“You have to go,” I said, trying to shove back the fresh tears that threatened to spill at the thought of him leaving me.  “It’s not safe for you here.  If your father finds out that you’re out of jail and that you’re with me, he’ll become suspicious.  By now I’m sure Bradley has told him that I’m the reason you were both arrested, and he likely told him about Clayton protecting me.  I don’t know if he realized that Clayton was FBI, but it will be pretty clear that the FBI is tailing me to protect me now that I’ve been attacked.  If Ronan finds out that you’re with me and the FBI knows about it, then he’ll know that you’ve turned against him.”

Sean’s hand curved around the back of my head, holding me against him.  The possessive act let me know what he was going to say before the words came out of his mouth.  “I don’t care what my father thinks.  I’ve told the FBI everything, and they’re going to take him down any day now.  He won’t be able to get to us soon.  Until they take him in, I’m staying with you.”

I hesitated for a moment before voicing my next question, knowing that it would bring us into more painful territory.  “And what about Bradley?”  I asked softly.  “Will they arrest him on your information too?”

Sean’s arms tightened around me as his muscles tensed.  His expression was strained, but his voice was even when he spoke.  “Bradley is beyond my help now.  He abducted you, he abused you, and he’s tried to kill you.  Even if I were willing to protect him after all that – which I’m not – he’s murdered a federal agent.  He can’t come back from that.”  Although his tone was calm and rational, there was pain in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.  As much as I loathed Bradley, I knew how hard this must be on Sean.  I was now experiencing firsthand what it was to lose a friend, and I hated that Sean was going to have to go through the same thing, albeit under different circumstances.

“He’s made his own choices,” Sean said, his voice hard.  “And those choices have proven that he’s not the person I thought he was.”

“How…”  I hesitated to delve into this if Sean wasn’t ready to share, but I had to know how he could possibly be friends with such a horrible person.  “How did you and Bradley meet?”

Sean’s brow furrowed, and for a moment I thought that he wasn’t going to answer me.  “I’ve known him for as long as I can remember,” he finally admitted.  “His father and my father were friends.  Well, as much as Ronan is capable of sharing friendship with anyone.  Bradley’s father brought Ronan into the Westies fold when he moved over from London in ’82.”

“I thought your father was Irish,” I interrupted.

“He is.  He moved from Dublin to London when he was seventeen to join up with the Clerkenwell crime syndicate.  They were just getting powerful, and he saw that there was money to be made.  But he was too ambitious for his own good, and the Adams family, the brothers who formed the gang, turned on him.  So he came to the States and sought out the Westies.  They aren’t strictly “Irish” anymore, but the idea of it appealed to him.  And there was more room for upward mobility.  A lot of Westies higher-ups were arrested in the early ’80s, and there was a power vacuum.  Ronan was brutal and efficient and rose quickly.”  His mouth twisted in distaste. 

“But we were talking about Bradley,” he redirected the subject away from his father.  “We grew up in a tough world, and he always had my back.  Even now, in his own twisted way, he thinks that he’s looking out for me by going after you.  But it wasn’t until the night that he took you that I fully realized his true nature.  You have to understand.”  His eyes were full of desperation.  “I knew that he was ambitious, that he wanted to be a part of the Westies, but we just pushed drugs.  That was all.  Then on the day I was shot, the Latin Kings showed up to break up our deal and steal our stash.  I was going to let them have it; no way was I putting my life at risk for my father’s precious heroin, no matter what the consequences.  But Bradley wouldn’t let it go, and he pulled the gun.  I don’t know who shot first, but the next thing I knew I was waking up with you handcuffed to my bed.”  He shot me a wry smile at the memory.  “And then I proceeded to act like a pompous ass.”

I couldn’t help returning his smile.  “I remember all too well.  I believe I called you an idiot and a jackass.”

“You threw me for a loop.  You were this fragile woman, and yet you were bossing me around and putting me in my place.  Despite everything we were putting you through, you were fearless.”  His hand cupped my cheek tenderly and his eyes burned down into mine.  “How could I resist falling for you?”

My breath caught in my throat.  Sean had turned against the only person who had cared about him for me.  “I’m sorry that I came between you when Bradley meant so much to you,” I said quietly.

His thumb hooked under my chin and he lifted my face so that I couldn’t drop my gaze from his.  “He’s not the person I thought he was, Claudia.  Or maybe I just saw what I wanted to see.  No matter what he is, Bradley has never been anything but absolutely loyal to me.  But when he took you, when he hurt you…  That man isn’t my friend.  I could never love anyone who harms innocent people.  And for him to be capable of that, after everything he knew that my father did, after knowing how he…”

Sean trailed off, and this time he was the one to drop his eyes. 

“What did he do to you?”  My voice was barely audible.  He kept his gaze averted and remained silent, his jaw clenched.  “You know that he took my parents from me,” I pressed.  “Please.  Tell me what he did.  You can talk to me.”

He let out a long breath.  “Ronan is a violent man,” he admitted softly, still not looking at me.  “And not just towards his enemies.  He uses fear to control everyone around him.  Including his family.”

“He beat you?”  I gasped.  I had guessed as much, but hearing the words come from Sean’s lips made the reality of it all the more horrible.

“Sometimes,” he said hollowly.  “When my mother wasn’t around to take it for me.”  His hands clenched into fists, and the lines of his face were drawn.

Fresh tears were stinging at the corners of my eyes as I came to understand the terrible reality of Sean’s childhood.  I remembered the night he had told me that his mother was dead.  I couldn’t hold back my question.  “Your mother.  Is that how she…?”  I couldn’t bring myself to force out the word
died
, but my meaning was clear.

“It wasn’t by Ronan’s hand, but it was as good as.”  His eyes finally met mine, and they were full of pain so deep that it cut me to the core.  I had to force myself to maintain his gaze.  “She killed herself.  Overdose.  I was out of the house, living with Bradley, so she didn’t need to protect me anymore.  It was her way of escaping him.”

“But why didn’t she leave?”  I asked.  “She could have taken you and run years ago.”

“You can’t run from my father.  He wouldn’t have stopped hunting until he found us.  And when he did, he wouldn’t have let us live.  My mother only did everything she could to protect me.  But I was always too weak to protect her.  I thought that she was safe from him once I left.  So long as I did what he told me, then he had no reason to turn his anger at me against her.  I had no idea that he was still hurting her after I moved out.  Or maybe I did, and I just didn’t want to see it.  When she died, I wanted to kill Ronan.  It was Bradley who stopped me.  He knew that I was dead if I made a move against my father.  Even if I succeeded in killing him, one of his friends would come after me to make an example of me.  I didn’t care, but Bradley kept me grounded.  He saved my life.  And ever since then, I’ve just been… existing.  Until I met you.”

I was stunned.  Through the bits and pieces about his life that he had revealed to me in the short time we had known each other, I had come to realize that we were remarkably alike, despite coming from different worlds.  Now that I knew the whole truth, the excruciating depth of his pain, it became apparent why I had felt such a strong pull to him from the very beginning.  He was heartbreakingly beautiful, but our souls were bound by something much deeper than physical attraction.  We understood each other in a way that others could not fully comprehend.  Even Clayton had only been able to sympathize with me rather than empathize.  I didn’t resent him for his happy childhood, but my past trauma would have always been a barrier between us, a gaping wound at my core that would never be fully healed.  But Sean knew, and maybe, just maybe, our deep understanding of just how damaged we were would help us heal each other.

Chapter 6

With these new revelations, I found that I was more drawn to Sean than ever.  I turned my body, positioning myself so that I was straddling his lap.  My fingers twined in his hair as I pulled him into me, craving to ease his pain through finding our release in each other’s arms.  His lips were still under mine for the briefest of moments, but the tension in his body quickly melted as we touched.  The low growl that rumbled from his chest made me shiver against him as that familiar, delicious heat gathered between my legs.  I was reminded of our scorching first kiss, when he reprimanded me for my boldness by dominating my body, bringing out my submissive side for the first time as he pressed me up against the cool tiles of the bathroom wall, his hands pinning my wrists on either side of my head.  It was my first taste of that wild abandon, of the hunger that he brought out in me so effortlessly.  And although we had shared many kisses since then, my reaction to him now was no less visceral than it had been on that night.

He took control of the kiss with an immediacy that took my breath away.  The world spun around me as he forced me down, positioning my body beneath his in a show of dominance.  My nipples hardened and I moaned into his mouth, arching up into him as I silently begged him to take me.  His tongue swept into my mouth, and I welcomed it.  His fist tangled in my hair, angling my head back so that he could take me more deeply.  Calloused fingertips lightly traced the curve of my neck, the roughness of his skin contrasting deliciously with his feather-light strokes.  Hot lines of pleasure shot to my breasts and then lower, hitting my core.  My inner walls contracted as I craved for him to fill me, to slake the growing need that was sweetly tormenting me.

Then the moment was shattered.  Shock hit me like a bucket of icy water to the face when he rolled off of me abruptly, and I gasped.  He was sitting on the edge of the bed, no longer looking at me.  I shoved down the feeling of rejection that threatened to overwhelm me.  Sean was clearly upset, and it would be selfish of me to break down; I needed to help him with whatever he was going through.  Had I pushed him too far in forcing him to re-live the memories of his father’s abuse and his mother’s suicide?

I moved so that I was sitting beside him.  “What’s wrong?”  I asked, my voice small.

His jaw clenched, and he didn’t answer.  I sensed that this was one of those moments when I needed to take control.  Just as I had once done, he was trying to shove back his consternation, to deny it.  He had taught me that I needed to release my dark emotions, and now I needed to convince him to do the same.  I lightly pressed my fingers against his cheek, turning his face to mine.  The turmoil that I saw in his eyes took my breath away.

“Please, Sean.  Talk to me.”

He was tense again, his fists clenched.  “What I want to do to you isn’t right, Claudia,” he said hollowly.

I frowned at him, and it was an effort to keep the irritation from my tone.  “We’ve been over this before,” I said.  “I want this just as much as you do.  I
need
this.  I need
you
.”

He grimaced.  “I understand why you feel that you need it.  Your reasons - your need for release from your worries through submission - that makes sense.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.  But my reasons aren’t so pure.”  His expression turned anguished.  “I’ve always needed this, Claudia.  But my father…  Does this mean that I’m like him?  Am I just channeling my violent, cruel needs through what I’ve rationalized as an acceptable path?  I’ve pushed away my concerns over it in the past, but you’re different.  I’ve never felt anything for anyone like what I feel for you.  And my need to dominate you is so intense that I completely lose myself to my dark urges.  Then I think about how Ronan treated my mother, how he claimed to care for her and yet he beat her mercilessly.  He used pain as a means of punishment.  How is that different from what I want to do to you?  All I want is to protect you, Claudia.  And if that means protecting you from myself, then that’s what I’ll do.”  He looked lost, utterly defeated.

I turned his words over in my mind.  At one time, I had wondered the same thing.  Had his domineering treatment of my body been a reflection of a truly violent nature?  But now I knew him better than that.  Sean wasn’t a cruel person; he was a victim of circumstance, forced into a life that he hated.  Now that I fully understood his past, the reasons for his darker needs were clear to me.

“No, Sean,” I reassured him quietly.  “You’re nothing like your father.  You’ve never truly hurt me, and I know that you never would.  I believe that with my entire being.  And I know that you do too, if you’ll just allow yourself to believe.  Your urges aren’t born of a desire to inflict pain; it’s about control.  You’ve never had control over your life.  Ronan has terrorized you into following the path that he has chosen for you through threatening to harm the people that you care about.  You’ve sacrificed your capacity to choose, your ability to shape your own destiny, for their sake.  I can’t imagine anything more selfless or less cruel.  You need control as badly as I need release, and I want to give that to you.  Please, Sean, let me do that for you.  Know that I accept you for everything that you are, and I wouldn’t have you change for anything.”