Avenger (Impossible #3) (3 page)

We were back on the painful topic again.  I wanted to shy away from it, but I realized that I needed to share with Clayton.  I knew that he would be able to help me sort myself out.  I took a shaky breath before diving in.

“After Sean found out that I betrayed him, I just fell apart.  It was too much for me to handle.  Rage was a much friendlier emotion than what I was going through.”  I swallowed back the lump in my throat so that I could continue to force out the words that I needed to release.  “And then…  What I did to Garcia rocked me to my core.  I can’t help feeling like a murderer, even if it was self-defense.  And I figured…  I figured if I already was damned I might as well take Ronan out.”  I hugged an arm around my stomach, trying to physically hold in the grief that was threatening to overwhelm me.  “I don’t know who I am anymore.”  My voice cracked, and I looked at Clayton beseechingly.  “Nothing used to hurt me, but now everything is so… sharp.”  I gasped out a soft sob.

His fingers curled under my chin, lifting my face so that I didn’t have the option of dropping my eyes.  His electric blue stare was so intense that it took my breath away.  “What’s happened to you has changed you, Claudia,” he said seriously.  “After everything you’ve been through, you couldn’t possibly be the same person that you were before you were abducted.  But I think it goes further back than that.  You haven’t been
you
since the night Ronan killed your parents.  I can understand why you hate him, Claudia; he took everything from you that night.  You should be nothing but perfectly happy.  You deserve that.  And you can have it now, if you just help me.”

“I want to help you, Clayton.  But I don’t think that happiness is possible for me.  I don’t think I possess the capacity for that anymore.”

His thumb lightly traced the line of my jaw.  “Of course you do.”  His voice was low and intense.  “You’re intelligent, resourceful, brave, and strong-willed to a fault.  Even after everything that’s happened to you, these are qualities that Ronan was incapable of stamping out.  This is who you are: a survivor.  And you will survive this, Claudia.  Even if I have to dive into the depths of the ocean and drag your ass back to shore, you’re going to come out okay.  I promise you that.”

I stared at him, thunderstruck and at a loss for words.  I had treated him like shit, and yet he was doing everything he could to help me.  I knew that I had done nothing to deserve his unwavering support.

“Why are you so nice to me?”  I asked, truly unable to comprehend the motivations for his kindness.

“I told you, Claudia: I care about you.  You’re a good person.”

“But...  But I was going to murder Ronan.”  A spike of ice stabbed through my gut as I came to a startling realization.  “And I still want to.  I’m a killer, Clayton.  You were going to arrest me, and you should.  I deserve it.”

He gripped me by the shoulders, holding me firmly as he stared into my eyes.  “I don’t blame you for wanting to kill him.  Hell, the bastard should be dead.  You deserve justice, Claudia, but not at the expense of your own freedom.  And not at the expense of your soul.  I know you; you a
re
a good person, Claudia.”  I opened my mouth to protest, but he spoke right on over me.  “You killed Garcia because you didn’t have a choice.  You’ve told yourself that you might as well kill Ronan because you’re a murderer, but that just isn’t true.  Despite everything that has happened to you, you are one of the most compassionate people I have ever met.  Don’t let your hatred of Ronan take that away from you.  He’s taken so much from you already; don’t let him destroy that part of you.  You’ve said that you want to help me.  Let’s do this the right way.  Together.”

So many emotions were swirling through me, moving with the swiftness of a raging torrent: anger, self-loathing, wonder, incredulity, gratitude, grief.  I was completely overwhelmed, stunned by the lengths that Clayton would go to in order to help me.  And I realized that he was right.  What I had been forced to do to Garcia had fucked with my head, had made me question everything that I was.  And when the loss of Sean came so hard on the heels of that earth-shattering, bloody night, I had spiraled out of control.  But now, with Clayton grounding me, I remembered who I was.  I was Dr. Claudia Ellers, a woman who hated violence, who couldn’t stand to see people in pain.  And while killing Ronan Reynolds would end the suffering of many people, it would rip another hole in the foundations of my very self.  He wasn’t worth that; I refused to give him any more of my life than what he had already stolen from me.  Overcome with gratitude and relief at my realization, I threw my arms around Clayton, tucking my face against his neck as I held him to me tightly.  For a moment, he stiffened in my hold, but he quickly relaxed, wrapping his arms around me in kind.

“Thank you,” I whispered.  If Clayton hadn’t shown up, if he hadn’t forcibly taken me away from that garage that would have been the scene of Ronan’s murder and the slaying of the remnants of my own soul, I didn’t know who I would be right now.  I had thought that I didn’t know who I was anymore, but Clayton had reminded me.  Ronan was going to face justice - and in a fashion it would be by my hand - but we were going to do this the right way.

I basked in the warm, reassuring heat of Clayton’s embrace.  A small part of me wondered if I should feel guilty for initiating such intimate contact when I knew how he felt about me, but I selfishly clung onto him.  I realized that I could have this is I wanted to.  I could have
him.
  He was the sensible choice, really.  He was solid, stable, safe.  And he saw me for who I truly was, even when I couldn’t see it myself.

My heart ached at the thought of being with a man who wasn’t Sean, but I knew now that there was no way he would ever forgive me, even if my testimony did secure his freedom.  He had opened up to me, trusted me.  And I had betrayed him.

I breathed in Clayton’s salt-kissed leather scent.  It was undeniably comforting.  Maybe when all of this was over, I should give him a chance.  Maybe I could find happiness with Clayton.  I would never share with him what I did with Sean, but it occurred to me that perhaps no one was meant to share something that brilliant and all-consuming.  It was unstable, volatile, and in the end it had only resulted in our mutual destruction.

I clung to Clayton more tightly.

Chapter 3

Clayton’s mouth was hot on mine as his tongue traced the line of my lower lip.  I opened for him, and he drew it into his mouth, sucking on it lightly.  His body radiated a gentle heat where it pressed against mine.  Being kissed by Clayton was… nice
.
  And his gorgeous body was more than nice. I unconsciously ran my fingertips across his rippling abs, my touch tracing upwards until the flat of my palm rested against the hard planes of his bare chest.  The light dusting of hair on his tanned skin tickled my flesh.  I could feel it brushing against my hand and lower down at my hip, where no clothing separated our bodies.  His hard cock pressing against me insistently was a testament to how badly he wanted me. 

But did I want him?  Clayton was caring, intelligent, and sexy as hell.  There was no good reason why I shouldn’t be with him.

Well, there was a reason, but it certainly wasn’t a good one.

Sean.

But that was over.  There was nothing I could do about it now.  Sean would never want me, and Clayton was here.  Here in my bed with me while Sean was locked away in a prison cell.

Why couldn’t my brain just shut up and accept the pleasure that Clayton was offering?  Maybe one day I could.  But it was too soon.  I didn’t want Clayton out of my life, but I certainly wasn’t ready for him to be in my bed.  Turning my head slightly, I broke the kiss.

“Wait,” I whispered, pressing both hands against his chest in order to push him off of me.

Strong hands ensnared my wrists, jerking my arms above my head and pinning them there.  I gasped and my eyes widened as I stared up at Clayton incredulously.  This was jarringly different from his slow, sweet touches a moment before.  Instinctively, I tugged against his grip, but he held me fast.  His expression was cocky, the twist of his full lips slightly cruel.

“Isn’t this what you want, Claudia?”  His tone was colored with amusement as he pinned me with a knowing stare, his green eyes cutting to the core of me.  There was a strange lilt to my name as his voice caressed it, making me shiver as heat bloomed at my core.

Wait. 
Green eyes.

I blinked hard, and when my eyes opened again my breath caught in my throat.

“Sean!”  His name was a strangled whisper.  He was looming above me, his gorgeous, deep green gaze burning into me.  The lines of his face were drawn into a terrifying expression, something ruthless, merciless.  The sight of it made my heart race and my clit pulse.  A sharp cry escaped me as I was suddenly impaled by his cock.  The intensity of his thrust made my body jerk beneath him, but he held me in place.  He had done little to prepare me, and the ecstasy that shot through me at the feeling of being filled was laced with pain.  But he didn’t give me time to adjust; he forced my body to accept him, to accommodate him.  And I couldn’t help but respond with delight.  The twinges of pain within my sex and his pitiless, bruising grip on my wrists only served to heighten my pleasure.  What had been little more than a pleasant warmth under Clayton’s tender ministrations was ignited to a bonfire as bliss soared through me.

As though he could hear what I was thinking, the thought of Clayton made Sean’s face twist into a terrible snarl.

“You’re
mine,
Claudia,” he growled.  The intensity of his thrust as he spoke drew a harsh cry from my throat.  “And I’m not letting you go.  Not to him.  Not to anyone.  Do you understand me?”

“Sean,” I groaned his name as my head twisted against the pillow.  The force of his possessive words, of his ruthless assault on my body and mind, was overwhelming.  There was a reason that I couldn’t be with him.  If only I could remember what…

“Answer me, Claudia,” he demanded harshly.  Still gripping my wrists in one hand, his other tangled in my hair, pulling sharply so that I was forced to look up into his blazing eyes.

“Yes, Sean,” I said breathlessly.  “I’m yours.  Always.”

His hard-edged grin was triumphant, satisfied at his conquest, at his utter possession of me.  I was helpless to resist him.  I knew in that moment that I would never want anyone as fiercely as I wanted him.  No matter the impossible hurdles that separated us, no matter the knowledge that this would never work out in the long run, I allowed myself to surrender to the moment, to relish this time with him that I might never enjoy again.  He had ruined me for anyone else.  But I didn’t care.  All I could see was him: his gorgeous, intense eyes, the strong line of his jaw covered in that sexy stubble that raked across my skin so deliciously.  The feel of his hard body moving against mine in perfect, blissful rhythm was the greatest pleasure I had ever known, ever would know.  I groaned in wild abandon as his dominant aura washed over me, his strength and relentless onslaught reinforcing just how powerless I was to resist him.  And I didn’t want to.

“Sean!”  I cried out his name as my orgasm hit me suddenly, ripping through my body as ruthlessly as he held me.  Stars burst behind my eyes and my vision wavered as sweetest pleasure wracked my senses.  Sean’s harsh shout followed mine, and his hot seed lashed at my core as it clenched around him.  I relished the heat of it, reveling in the feeling of him marking me as his own.

My eyes snapped open as I jerked awake to find myself alone in my own bed.  Perspiration beaded on my brow, and the sheets were twisted around my body.  An intense sense of loss filled me as I realized that it had been nothing more than a lucid dream.  I lay awake for a long time afterward, and despite my sadness, I felt a small smile spread across my face at the memory of the vividness of it.  I concentrated on recalling every detail, not wanting to forget one moment of the dream.  Even though it hadn’t been real, I had still been able to experience Sean one last time.  But dismay soon flooded me again.  Had that been the last time?  Would I be haunted by such dreams for the rest of my life, preventing me from moving on?

But a part of me acknowledged that I would never be able to move on.  Even if I was able to find happiness with someone like Clayton, it would never be what I shared with Sean.  My heart twisted in my chest, but there was nothing remotely pleasurable about this pain.

The following afternoon, the feeling of Sean’s phantom fingers gripping my wrists lingered, and whenever I looked down at them, I was distantly amazed to find that no bruises marred my pale skin.  I sighed heavily, wishing keenly to see his marks upon me.

“Dr. Ellers?”  Clayton’s deep voice called me back to reality.  “Let me get this straight.  The gun that Sean Reynolds gave you, the one that killed Hector Garcia, used to belong to Ronan Reynolds?”

Clayton already knew this story, but he was prompting me to make it part of the official record.  We were back in that dreaded grey-walled interrogation room, and the red light on the camera was illuminated.

“Yes,” I replied firmly.  “I had thought that the gun was Bradley’s because it was the one he threatened me with when he abducted me.  But when I asked Sean about it, he said that he had given it to Bradley after his father had given it to him.  Sean didn’t want to own a gun.”  With my last statement, I stared at Agent Vaughn significantly.  They might have Sean locked up for assaulting Hector Garcia on my behalf, but I was going to do everything that I could to put it in the official record that deep down, Sean didn’t want to be a violent person.  I knew that it was too little, too late, but if I could get the FBI the evidence that they needed against Ronan, I might be able to salvage my old deal with Agent Vaughn and get Sean freed.  Or at the very least get him a reduced sentence.  The problem now was that the charges had been officially filed, and they had to go through the courts.  It wasn’t within Agent Vaughn’s power to just make that disappear now that the District Attorney’s office was involved.  Nevertheless, I would do everything in my power to help Sean.