Awaken (30 page)

“
Bite your tongue,” I say,
giving a mock shudder of horror. “Now I’m gonna have night
terrors.”

He gives a low chuckle as I hand him a
tin cup of the root tea I had hanging over the fire.

“
Here, even though it serves
you right now to have night terrors...this will help you
sleep.”

He nods a thanks and sips carefully at
the hot liquid. We sit quietly for a bit, just enjoying the tea and
the peacefulness of the night. It was almost nice. But then Orakels
words snake their way into my thoughts again. Is Jax the one Orakel
spoke of? Would he be the one to betray me? Stop it! I scold
myself. Stop raising doubt. She was just a crazy old lady...besides
Jax was about to part ways with us....didn’t matter. I would never
see him again so how could he betray me?

“
Why are you here Jax?” I
ask the question that had been eating at me ever since his
unexpected arrival in the dead city. He looks at
me....confused.

“
I told you I can’t
sleep...”

“
No I mean why did you
follow us? Why are you taking us to Littlepass? And don’t give me
the story ‘bout an owed debt. You should be home in Gray Valley
with your ma and Sky, getting ready for your wedded ceremony.
Living a normal life. Why are you here...with us?”

After his earlier teasing I ain’t
expecting the harsh snort he gives me at my question.

“
Normal life...is that what
you think we have in Gray Valley? No such thing. Breaking our backs
working the dead soil....praying to the gods to get enough harvest
to pay our taxes so the Army don’t punish us. Hiding the extra meat
or grain we have managed to horde away so our families can make it
through to the next season without starving. Living in fear for the
children....wondering if at any moment they will be taken away from
us by that madman. Fearing to have children of your own. Is that
what you call normal?”

He runs a hand through his hair, a
gesture I have come to realize he did when most agitated. I want to
tell him I’m sorry. I’m sorry to have brought it up...I hadn’t
realized but he goes on talking.

“
Hell...I don’t know. Maybe
I just wanted to get away from that. To get away from Sky....her
talk of our betrothal....her talk of a family. How can I disappoint
her....?” he sighs a little.

“
Maybe I’m here because of
Finn. I kinda see a little bit of me in him...a lost lonely little
kid wondering why things had to happen but trying to deal in the
best way he can. You know what he asked me the other day?” I shake
my head at his question. “He wanted to know did I think my pa and
his pa were hunting and fishing together in the afterlife. Having
adventures...friends like him and me.”

I laugh a little at this. That was such
a Finn thing to say. Jax unexpectedly looks up at my laughter, his
eyes burning feverishly from the fire light, and the laughter dies
on my lips.

“
Or maybe I’m here because
of you. Ma was right...you remind me of Jenna so much. Maybe in
some strange way I believe that by helping you I can make it up to
my sister....make up for failing her. I stood aside and let her
die....I watched it all happen and I didn’t do anything! Maybe I
don’t want the same thing to happen to you. I owe you that
much...”

He trails off wordlessly and drops his
gaze. However I had expected Jax to answer my question it was not
with such brutal honesty. I am speechless at his words. Tongue tied
as always, unable to express how I feel at his admission. Was he
saying that he cared about us? That he truly cared what happened to
us? To me? I should be thanking him for his honest answers…telling
him how grateful I was for his help...but all I do is show how
uncomfortable I am by saying,

“
I ain’t Jenna,
Jax.”

He laughs, but there ain’t no humor in
it.

“
No....you are much more
irritating and annoying and a damn sight more mule headed. Trust me
that much I do know.”

I shake my head at him.

“
No...you don’t get it. I
don’t want you helping us ‘cause you think you owe me something
Jax. What happened was out of your control...you don’t owe it to
Jenna and you sure as hell don’t owe it to me. Your debt is paid
Jax.”

He looks at me, confused.

“
Your debt is paid,” I say
again. “Not only did you help us back at the iron city but we made
it to Littlepass...alive and well, just like you promised. Thank
you for all you’ve done but you may as well make your way back to
Gray Valley in the morning. Gods speed on your safe return
home.”

For some reason his admission is
scaring me and I respond in the only way I know how....change the
subject and make it less personal. The old expression passes my
lips automatically and I hold my hand out to him in a goodwill
gesture. He looks down at my outstretched hand, ignoring it as his
eyes come to rest on my face again, and I can see the disbelief in
them.

“
Really? That’s how it’s
going to be? You ask me a question and I answer it in the most soul
bearing way I can and you want to shake my hand? You’re a real
waterfall of emotion you know that Tara,” he says, and I know
sarcasm when I hear it.

“
Why you gotta be such a
jackass?” I snap at him angrily, pulling my hand away. “Why cain’t
you just accept my thanks graciously and be on your way in the
morning?”

“
Okay....fine, if it makes
you feel any better then I graciously accept your thanks,” he says,
but I snort at him.

“
Too late. You cain’t say
that now ‘cause I know you don’t mean it.”

“
Aye, I do,” he
says.

“
No you don’t,” I say.
“You’re just repeating what I said.”

He stares at me for a bit, then shakes
his head like he don’t quite understand me.

“
Whatever….and just to be
clear I won’t be leaving for Gray Valley tomorrow.”

This catches me off guard. I was not
expecting that.

“
Why not?”

“
Because I promised Finn I
would stay with you all until you found Lily,” he says,
flatly.

I stare at him over Cat’s head,
ignoring her grinding against my hand to get me to scratch her ears
again.

“
Why would you do such a
thing? I don’t know how long it’s gonna take us to find Lily…could
be days…weeks.”

“
I’m aware of that,” he says
taking a sip of his tea.

“
Well why would you promise
the boy such a thing?” I say.

“
Because he asked me too,”
Jax says.

Jax was staying with us ‘cause Finn
asked him too? When did the boy ask such a thing from him? And more
importantly why? Why would he want Jax to stay around? We don’t
need Jax around…all he did was cause confusion….especially as far
as I was concerned. I cain’t even believe Finn would ask him to do
such a thing.

“
There ain’t no need for you
to stay,” I say shortly. He gives a harsh little laugh at my
words.

“
Do you even realize what
you are asking the boy to do tomorrow? Have you even discussed how
he feels about leaving Cat?” At the mention of her name the beast
looks up at Jax and licks his hand.

“
He loves this beast more
than anything else he has left in the world and you are asking him
to just desert her….and who knows for how long. Do you even know
how he feels about that? Do you even care? Cause I do. Or is the
thought of Ben the only thing that occupies that selfish mind of
yours?”

Now he’s gone too far!

“
Of course I know what I’m
asking him to do but it ain’t like he’s got a choice,” I hiss at
him angrily. “He knows he cain’t take Cat into Littlepass. I told
him that from the start…and he still insisted on coming with me.
She’s a devil cat for crying out loud…a wild animal. Ain’t like she
don’t know how to fend for herself. He’ll get over her eventually…”
I trail off realizing that I said too much. Jax is looking at me
through narrowed eyes.

“
What do you mean
eventually? Why would he need to….ahhhh... you’re leaving him
behind aren’t you? You’re deserting him here in Littlepass. So you
are going to continue with your foolhardy plan then. You are going
to still look for your kin even though it will undoubtedly end in
your death. I didn’t think even you would be that stupid. Guess I
was wrong.”

“
You think you know it all
don’t you?” I snap at him. “Well you don’t! Finn will be better off
staying here in Littlepass. Tater will be better off going his own
merry way. You would be better off to go back to Gray Valley…and I
will be better, much better, once I find Ben. He is all I care
about. He is all that matters…him and Jane and Thomas. They are my
only family now and I will do anything to get them back. If that’s
being stupid then I don’t care!”

He stares at me silently for a bit,
then finally says, “No I guess you don’t care if you don’t give a
damn about breaking that poor kids heart,” and throws his remaining
tea into the flames before he gets up and walks away from me,
adding coldly over his shoulder. “I’ll be back when it’s time for
my watch.”

We had reached Littlepass shortly after
sunrise. Jax had roused the others just before dawn like I had
asked him to but he hadn’t needed to wake me. I ain’t slept. His
words from the night before had been crawling ‘round in my brain
all night, my guilt gnawing at my gut like some festering wound.
Course I knew how much Finn loved Cat and course I knew it was
going to break his heart to leave her....did he truly think I was
so cold? But I had to do what I was doing. I had to make a choice.
It was in Finn’s best interest. Why cain’t he see that?

I look over at him now riding beside
me, Finn sitting behind him and yammering his ear off. The boy had
chosen to ride with Jax this morning. Don’t know why. It had miffed
me some at first, but then I figured it was maybe for the best. At
least I wouldn’t have to try to keep my feelings and guilt hidden
from Finn and pretend everything was going to be okay. Jax looks up
suddenly and catches me staring and the light blue eyes regard me
with such accusation that I look away. To hell with him, I think
angrily. I don’t need his approval! I snap the reins and the nag
bolts forward leaving the others trailing behind. We ride this way,
me way ahead of the others and fuming the whole time, ‘til we reach
our destination.

The city lays below us, overwhelming in
its entirety. I ain’t ever seen so many buildings all squished
together, like they were fighting for room. They are so pressed
together it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.
Never in my wildest imagination could I have ever dreamed of
something like this! They cover every bit of open ground and even
half ways up the sides of the mountains surrounding the city. Not
as vastly spread as the dead city we had just passed through but
made more imposing by the number of people I can see occupying the
roads and pathways cut through the buildings. They swarm the city
like the maskeetos in the woods and I can feel my heart drop as I
view the sight from atop the hill we are sitting on. So many
people...however was I supposed to find Lily?

I squat low, hands on my knees,
studying the wall surrounding the city and trying to ignore the
nagging little voices in the back of my head. As mad as I am at
Jax, the thought of what I was about to do today still almost makes
me wanna retch and it’s with relief I hear Tater’s approach. He
joins me at the top of the rise and quietly studies the sight below
us.

“
Tater, are those guard
towers?” I say, shutting off my thoughts and referring to the
wooden structures flanking the open gate of the stone
barrier.

“
They are indeed but no
worries child. They are usually manned by drunkards, too tired or
intoxicated to care who passes through. The best of the Army in
Littlepass is used to guard the iron mines there to the left of the
city.”

I look to where he is pointing and I
can see structures on the horizon past the city, and a flurry of
activity. My heart beats a little faster with a faint hope that
maybe I would find some of my kin there. I was definitely going to
have to check it out....somehow. If it was guarded as heavily as
Tater said though, it was going to be a challenge.

I rise from my squatting position and
turn towards the others. Finn and Cat are playing some sort of
fetching game with a dried out twig but Jax, he is leaning against
a boulder watching me intently. There is no expression on his face
this time but his eyes are as sharp as always. I find myself
wondering what he is thinking? Would he tell Finn of my plan or
would he keep my confidence?

“
You sure there ain’t nuthin
I can say to make you head back to Gray Valley?” I say rudely as I
walk past him towards the nags, and he kind of grins at
me.

“
No, when I make a promise I
don’t go back on it,” he says and I can hear the accusation back in
his voice.

A retort pops into my head but I don’t
say what I’m thinking ‘cause outta the corner of my eye I can see
Finn watching us, listening to our conversation. He comes
sauntering up to us then, his face all red from his running ‘round
with Cat.