Awakening (9 page)

“But—” He draws me back to the table. He looks so vulnerable, his eyes searching something in mine.

“But, it seems like it has run its course.”

He smiles at this. My entire stomach tightens with sensations I can only guess are disloyalty, guilt, perhaps desire for the man in front of me. I can’t make heads or tails out my reaction or my behavior.

“Are you done? I need to get back to the office.” Ryan stands. Of course, the office. For a moment, I had completely forgotten why we were here.

We gather our plates and napkins and clear the table. As I throw the food in the trash bin our hands brush together. A delicious tingle runs up my spine with his touch. How can he do that to me? I’m not 16 years old, for Pete’s sake! It’s exasperating.

We pull up to a mirrored office building near downtown. Neither one of us have talked much since lunch and that has left me wondering if my answer to his question has repelled him. I should’ve just said yes and left it at that. It sounds so slutty, the way I answered him. I’ve been kicking myself all the way here.

“Okay, then. Thanks for lunch. It was nice to get out of the office.” I turn to face him with a forced smile.

He pauses in gathering his coat and briefcase and looks at me. “It was my pleasure. You should be outside more often, it suits you.”

Just when I think he is about to get out, he stops and looks at me. His hand gently reaches across the car and his soft fingertips slide down my check, his thumb caressing my lips. My heart beat spikes and I immediately flush with heat. An uncoiling of desire seeps into my belly as I feel my breath quicken.

“You let me know when that relationship gets to the end of its course.”

Oh! My eyes widen in surprise and I am about to respond, but he is out of the car and shuts the door before I can even form a sentence.

~~~

Walking back into the office, I feel an extra spring in my step. I feel almost buoyant. It’s ridiculous, I know, but I can’t help it. Reviewing the last few days of my life, I feel as if I’m poised on the top of an abyss. Any moment I’m going to jump off into the wild unknown.

Thinking back about my job and how I work with the staff here, I realize that this isn’t a bad gig. If I wanted to, I could turn this into a career. I just don’t want to. I know I’m smart enough to be a lawyer, I know I could be good at it. Meeting Emily and Mrs. Foster gives me pause, though.

I think the best thing for me to do is find an internship at a law firm and sit in on some classes. I need to take baby steps toward my real life. This could be the new me. I feel the fire burning in my belly; I am taking control. No more whining. I hate that Darren called it whining.

“You look like the cat that ate the canary,” Sophia says as she walks into my office.

“Oh, yeah.” A wide grin spreads across my face. “Can you keep a secret?” I can’t hold it in, I must tell someone! I am so excited about this decision. It feels so good to have a plan.

“You and Ryan slept together at lunch?” She sits down and makes herself comfortable.

“What!” I gasp, although the thought is not repulsive. “No! Jeez. What is Julie telling everyone? Oh my God, she isn’t telling everyone that, is she?”

“Relax! I was just kidding.” She smiles at me. “Hit a nerve, did I?”

Now I’m mortified. I took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

“No. Listen. I want to tell you something. I have made a huge decision.”

“Okay. Sounds serious.” She leans in towards the desk.

“I have decided to look for an internship at a law firm or someplace where they practice law, haven’t figured it all out yet. And I’m going to sit in on some law classes.” I cross my arms over my chest, the physical gesture containing my excitement.

“And it’s about time, too! Thank God. We’ve all been waiting.”

What? They’ve been waiting for me to do this?

“Huh?” I gape at her.

She laughs. “We’ve been hearing about law school forever, but every time you get your resolve up, you back down. We can’t figure it out. Well, Joanne thinks it’s Darren, but that’s a whole different day. I am so happy for you.” She pauses as I digest what she’s just said.

“Really? Joanne thinks Darren is holding me back?”

“Yeah, but that’s old news. What’s going on with you two, anyway?” Sophia looks earnest.

“Well,” my brain starts slowly, still confused by what Sophia has so casually tossed out, “Darren and I are—How do I even explain it? It’s been strange, lately. Last night we had a fight, and he said some things that were really mean and spiteful.” I lean back in my chair, still uncomfortable thinking about it. “I really don’t know about Darren right now.”

“Wow, Nora! This is huge! Holy cow, you guys have been so—so stable for so long. You want to talk about it?” Sophia seems genuinely stunned.

Is that how everyone viewed us, stable? Scheduled, is more like it.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to talk to him about life, you know.” I pause, searching for the word, thinking about my passionate dance. “But then I mentioned law school, and he flipped out and then I flipped out.”

I have yet to find the words to explain how that dance at the club affected me. No wonder I floundered trying to talk to Darren about it. How does one say, ‘I met this man who boiled my blood and made me rethink everything in my life. And you, Darren, are just not cutting it.’ And even that doesn’t fully explain everything.

“Okay, remember Mr. Stud from your party?” I start slowly. Sophia nods her head. “What if life could really be like that? What if I could really be like that?”

“Like parties, dancing, things like that?” Sophia asks.

“No. Like passion. That man was so intense in everything he did. I just wonder, does he live like that all the time? Can a person really carry that much passion around all day?” I pause, thinking about it. “I want that,” I almost whisper. “And now,” starting again at full volume, “I don’t know, ever since that night I am just impatient with, with banalities.”

I know I’m thinking of Ryan and stealing his words, but as I hear myself talking I know they are true. I’m bored with everything. Ryan is offering me a taste of excitement. And my sexy stranger showed me a glimpse of what that could be like. If only they had been the same person! And Darren? Darren is just Darren.

“Banalities?”

“Boring old topics. Boring old life. Sitting in this job, waiting for a law degree to drop into my lap from the Gods. Waiting for Darren to grow a pair and move in with me. And now,” I lean forward again, lowering my voice to a whisper, “I’m not even sure if I want him to move in with me.” I blow out a deep breath. Sophia sits back and smiles.

“Well, Nora. It’s about time. That man doesn’t deserve you at all.”

I’m shocked. What is it, shock Nora day?

Just then, my phone buzzes. It’s a text from Darren. “Speaking of the devil himself,” I say.

“Well, I’ll let you get back to your devil; I gotta go deal with mine. I’ll see you later, okay? Don’t be a stranger. If things get weird, I’m just across the hall.” She smiles at me and leaves.

“Okay. Thanks. Good luck,” I call after her, still reeling from her words.

I pick up my phone and check the message.

‘I’m sorry.’

So, I guess he knows he was a big fat jerk. We fought, then he wakes me up to have sex with me, and then he leaves? He should be sorry.

‘For what, exactly?’ I text back, wanting details on this one. I’m not letting him off easy.

‘I’m a giant jackass. Please, can I make it up to you tonight? I want to see you?’

Wow. He must be sorry; we’re not supposed to see each other until the weekend. A spontaneous dinner!

‘What do you have in mind?’

‘Dinner 6:30?’

I think this over. Well, I have to eat. And I could share my new plan with him. Maybe we can finally talk getting more passion in our lives. Suddenly, I think about my lunch with Ryan and feel guilty about my attraction to him.

Nothing happened. He is a colleague who expressed interest in me. In fact, he was quite the gentleman about the whole thing. That’s all. My lips tingle with the memory of his touch. Well yeah, except the part when you said that your relationship was at the end of its course. My insides cringe at that one.

I sit and think about that for a minute. I have no idea how I feel about any of this, and I at least owe it to Darren to have dinner with him tonight and see what happens.

~~~

Darren’s plan is for us to meet at my place and he’s going to wine and dine me. While riding the elevator up to the second floor, I wonder where he’s going to take me for dinner. As the doors open, the smell of extremely good food hits me. Take out?

He is sitting by the door reading a magazine with two brown paper bags sitting next to him. He looks up from his reading.

“Hi! I thought we could eat in tonight.” He grins a little, looking a little unsure of himself.

“Why are you waiting out here? Did you lose your key?” I ask, confused to find him sitting outside for the second time in a row.

“No. Just didn’t bring it.” He stands up.

“Uh. Okay. Well, it smells good.” I hide my disappointment and open the locked door. Darren breezes in and busies himself in the kitchen. At least there are no comments about my heels this time.

Changing my clothes, I’m a little unsure about what to wear. I’m guessing sweats and a T-shirt are out, but dressy would be too much. Frustrated at this new uncertainty, I go for jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Comfy, but sexy, I hope.

Darren puts a chilled glass of white wine in my hand when I walk into the kitchen. I can tell he’s trying hard to apologize for last night. Dinner is from my favorite restaurant, Il Fornaio in Palo Alto. Hot, steamy pasta sits on my plate, a salad bowl waits just next to it, soft music is on in the background. Okay, this will work.

“This is nice,” I say as I sit down. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yes. I did. Did you?” He joins me at the table. As usual, he looks immaculate. Not enough hair to be out of place, open collared shirt, creased slacks. He could fit in anywhere.

“I did, actually. I’ve made some serious progress on my event, and I made some serious decisions about my future,” I say this with a false bravado, waiting for his reaction.

“Oh?”

I can tell he is holding back, as his voice is steady but his shoulders slump just a little as his face hardens.

“Yep. I’m going to intern at a law office this summer and sit in on some law classes at Stanford.” I sip my wine, more for courage than for want of wine. My insides squirm and I wonder why I am so nervous telling him this.

He sets down his fork and looks at me. “Really? Wow, Nora, how are you going to manage that? Is this a reaction to our fight?”

He looks pissed and I’m baffled. Why should he be pissed because I want to explore this more seriously? I thought he would be pleased; no more whining. He scoffs and says under his breath, “Or an overreaction, I should say.”

That last comment just knocks the wind out of my sails. I feel the energy draining out of me. If it had been liquid, it would be puddling on the floor at my feet. He looks at me and his face softens.

“I just meant I don’t see how you’re going to fit that in with everything else. And, an internship this summer—I don’t even know how to begin looking for one now. It’s so late.”

I know he’s just trying to be nice, but it doesn’t revive me. I see how ridiculous it all sounds. Hundreds of law students look for internships, who would hire me? Maybe, just maybe, this fall I could sit in on a class, but anything beyond that, forget it. He’s right.

I take another sip of wine. All of a sudden I feel so tired. My new found passion for life slips away from my grasp. I almost see it evaporating. I don’t know what to say so I eat more food, suffocating the smoldering fire within.

“Well, whatever, it was just an idea. Tell me about your day?” I spin my fork around the pasta, hoping we can stop talking about me.

Darren starts telling me about an account he is working on with Brad. They work well together and have come up with some creative ideas. The more he talks, the more animated he becomes. I eat, hoping to recover my mood, but the air just keeps rushing out. It’s as if I have a big gaping hole inside me.

“I really think that this is the one that’s going to get me that promotion. I know Brad is eager too. He has a baby on the way and needs it. We make a great team!” Darren finishes his story with a flourish. He looks great, sitting up tall, puffed up, his eyes alight with enthusiasm. I try to muster up some energy for him, but it is so very hard.

“That’s great honey. I know you deserve it.” I stand to clear the table.

“I know, right. If anyone deserves it, it’s me. No one has worked harder or is better suited for this one.” He stands and pours himself more wine.

Distant memories of dancing with my sexy stranger swim in my head. Looking at Darren, I see that passion. He really is good looking, especially when infused with this enthusiasm. My stomach clenches and grips my insides. That is what I want, what I am missing. I want that passion for what I do, my job, my life. Maybe I can rekindle something from that night.