Away From the Spotlight (61 page)

“But you don’t want me either.”

“You think this is about
me
not
wanting
you?”

“Yes.”

“Then you haven’t been paying much attention the last few days.  My wanting you is
what started this
.  I’ve
always
been attracted to you.”

“Is that true?”
He stared intently as
if
he couldn’t bring himself to believe me.

“Yes.  I think even Will sensed it.  He was always jealous of you.”

“Really?”
John seemed shocked.

“But when I met you, you had Ashley.  And, then, eventually, I had Will.  The problem there is that, with Will, I found the one person I wanted to be with forever.  He is
it
for me.  I don’t know how to live without him and I can’t imagine finding anyone else for me.  So, to some degree, I’m ruined.  I’m going to have to figure out
how to live
without
him
and be happy anyway
.  I can’t do that if I am using you as a crutch.”

“Please don’t do this.  Please let me be there for you.”

“I will.  As a friend.”

“Friend with benefits?” he said,
hopeful
ly
.

“No.  Not even holding hands.  I know what those hands can do now and I don’t think I can resist you if you touch me.”

“Then don’t.”

“I have to. 
Please
.”

After dinner, we w
alked
back to our cars and I didn’t know how to say goodbye.  As I started to
walk away toward my car, John grabbed my hand and pulled me close.

“This is it
,
you know
,
”
I said, knowing that he wanted to say goodbye properly.

“I know.”

John and I stood there kissing for a
long time.  Neither of us wanted to let go
,
knowing that would be it.  Finally,
as John’s kisses started to
turn into something else
,
I decided it was time to pull away.

“If we don’t stop, I’m going to lose my nerve
,
”
I said.

“I don’t mind.”

“I know, but I do.”

“I love you.”

“I wish I could love you.”

“If you change your mind
.
. .”

“Don’t wait for me.”

“I’ll try not to.”

“You have to promise me. 
Promise me
you’ll find someone who deserves you.”

“I promise.”  His voice broke as he said it.

“I’ll envy her, you know.”  With that, I walked
off
, got into my car, and drove
away
.

I was glad that Thanksgiving was the next day and that I would be in the Bay Area for four days with my family, far from the temptation to be weak and change my mind.

The change of scenery in
the Bay Area was good for me.  Luckily, it was a place that didn’t remind me of Will since I had never gotten the chance to take him to visit as we had promised my family. 
M
y family knew that the
topic of Will was strictly off-
limits. 
I had plenty of time though to beat myself up over the situation with John.

When I returned to the office after Thanksgiving, it was
awkward, and I
decided
to go to lunch with
Rachael
rather than the guys.

Rachael
asked me point blank at lunch
that very first day back
.  “Is the rumor true?”

“What rumor?”

“One of the secretaries saw you and John going to dinner
last week
and now there’s a rumor you’re secretly dating.”

“
Just what I needed.
”  I sighed.
 
“
No, we’re not secretly dating.”

“That’s not the whole truth though, is it?”

“Not exactly.  This is for your ears only, okay?”

“Okay.”

“We did for about two days
last week
.”

“I knew something funny was going on.  You’ve been
acting a little
stranger
than usual
today
.”

“
Sorry. 
I
need to
give John some space
now
.”

“I always thought he liked you.  I just never thought you liked him.”

I explained,
“I always sort of did
, b
ut John was in a relationship and then I was. 
S
ince Will, I haven’t been up for a relationship with anyone
.  Then Will sent me those stupid flowers and it sent me into a tailspin and I turned to John for comfort
,
b
ut I realized that it was a very bad idea
and ended things.”

“Why don’t you just sleep with him?  That is the basis of many relationships, most of mine in fact.”

“Yeah, but I care about him.  He’s my friend. 
W
e work together.  He really cares about me and it woul
dn’t be enough for him, a
nd I don’t use people like that.”

“You’ll just have to find someone that doesn’t know you well enough to care about you.  Then you can have all the sex you want.  I highly recommend that arrangement.”

“I’m glad it works for you.”

I
continue
d
to
distract myself with getting sworn in
the next night
and then trying to take on as many easy court appearances as was possible so that I could get
accustomed to it
.  It was so exciting.  Each courthouse was a little different.  As
my firm
primarily
handled
defense work, I would always look for the jury box. 
P
laintiff’s counsel always stood at the table nearest the jury box, whichever side
of the courtroom
it was located
.  The
other
side, the “good guy’s side
,
”
as our senior
litigation
partner described it, was where I would stand when my case was called.  I didn’t handle anything all that important, but I finally felt like a
real
lawyer.

On the Friday night of
th
e following week, which was my
first
full
week of being a bona fide litigator
, I met up with my
college
friend
,
Annie
,
at a sushi place in Beverly Hills. 
It was her turn in the rotation to
keep me company for the evening
. 
Ann
i
e always liked to
visit
different sushi restaurants
and
,
despite the fact that I didn’t like sushi, I would go with her for the chicken teriyaki and the lively atmosphere at th
e
se types of places.

We walked into the
relatively small
restaurant with
its
long high table and stools along the left side of the restaurant framing the
area
where the chefs were entertaining those s
eated
there with a show of
preparing and
serving up the sushi.  Tables filled the remainder of the room from the glass windows at the front to the back wall.  Annie and I were seated
in the middle of the restaurant
, along the right wall where we could pretty much see the entire restaurant between us.

I hadn’t been seated too long when I spotted
him
.  Will was
t
here, sitting at a long table at the back with six other people, none of whom I recognized.  Unlike his normal routine, he didn’t sit facing away from the cro
wd in the restaurant.

Although he was still as beautiful as always, he
wore
several days worth of stubble, his eyes were bloodshot, and he looked fairly out of it.  There were a number of large bottles of Japanes
e
beer
as well as what looked like sake
sitting in front of him.  He had each of his arms around the two girls flanking him
, one of whom was kissing hi
s
neck.

So
this
was the Mr. Hyde that had been alluded
to by Will and his friends
from
his early days of fame.  Seeing him like that made me
believe
that
I had never really known him at all.
 
I stared
across the room at
him
and my eyes we
nt
wide with shock
.  At that moment, he saw me
, let go of the girls,
and stared back with a pained look on his face.

When Annie
noticed
what I was staring at, I didn’t need to do any convincing to get her to leave quickly.  Will didn’t follow.

Annie tried to cheer me up during dinner at a nearby non-sushi restaurant.  I feigned some cheerfulness for her sake, but inside I was a
complete
wreck.  I don’t remember much of the ride home as tears streamed down my cheeks for most of it.  I cried myself to sleep that night.

The
next morning, an hour or two after I had
awakened
and dressed
, I decided that I needed to get up the energy to get to the office.  We had an expression in my profession, usually stated late on Fridays
,
“Only two more working days until Monday.”  Maybe
work
would distract me from thinking about the horror show I had
w
itnessed
the night before
.

As I was about to leave
finally
, the
doorbell rang
.  I
thought
it
was strange since no one had called to be buzzed
through
the main gate.  There were only
ten
units in the complex and
so
it wasn’t like there was a lot of traffic in and out of the
complex
.  I looked through the peephole expecting to see one of my neighbors and
received
a shock.  I felt ill.  I didn’t answer the door.
  It was Will.

“Come on, Shannon.
Please let me in.  I know you’re here.  I saw your car in the garage.”

I looked again through the peephole. 
How does he know where I live?
 
What does he think he’s doing?

Although he had to have been more than a little hung
-
over, he looked like he had made a serious attempt to get his appearance together.  He had shaved and probably use
d a ton of V
isine.

I opened the door slightly.  “What do you want?”
The tone of my voice wasn’t kind.

“I need to talk to you
,
”
he said urgently.

In spite of everyth
ing, I wanted to touch him and to h
ave him hold me so badly.
  But I was angry, angry that he had left me, angry about
what I saw the night before
,
and
angry that he was continuing to torture me.
 
I
let him in the door
anyway
and closed it behind him.
  I
felt
compelled to hear what he had to say.
 
I groused at him nonetheless. 
“
There’s nothing to
talk about
.
”

He looked down and put his hand on the back of his neck. 
“
I just didn’t want you to think . . .
I’m not
that
guy.”
It was interesting that he used the same phrase he used when he compared himself to his role in
Midnight
.