Away From the Spotlight (60 page)

“What do you mean
‘
when I’m like this
’
?  What’s wrong with me? 
Just
because Will doesn’t want me anymore
. .
.
”
I was angry.

“No
,
n
o.  Don’t be mad.  I’m trying to do the right thing here.”
 
John
looked sad.

I leaned closer and kissed him
on the lips
.  He responded slightly.

“You’re making this hard.” 
John
appeared
tormented.

I started to use my hands to make it clear what I wanted.  John’s words may have been against me, but his body
contradicted
them
.

“Oh, Shannon, you have
no idea
how long I have wanted this.” 
Upon saying that, h
e gave up his resistance and kissed me back with a lot of enthusiasm.

I pulled away
after a few minutes
, took his hand and led him
into
my bedroom.

I
now had
him on the same page with me, but our plans diverged again.  He wanted to make love to me.  I wanted to have sex with
him
.  There was a world of difference.  He tried to linger over all of the details.  I wouldn’t let him.  I was all business.  I shortened the process quite a bit and, when it was over, I spooned with him.  I didn’t do so to be loving and romantic
. 
I just didn’t want to have to look at his face.  Silent tears fell from my eyes.  My anger was spent and all that was left was the pain.

“What
was
that?” John asked as he held me.

“I don
’t know,” I responded honestly.

John turned me around and forced me to look at him.  I could see the hurt in his eyes.  I felt terrible.  I had used him.  I owed him better than that.  I owed him not to have done what I did,
but it was too late for that.

I decided, actually decided, this time that we would do it his way now.  I wouldn’t necessarily “make love” to him, but I would allow him to make love to me.
  My motives were still ultimately selfish.  I wanted comfort and solace now instead of
an outlet to
vent my anger and frustration, and
I
was taking advantage of John’s feelings for me to get what I wanted.  But
,
at least this way, I could fool myself into thinking that he would get something out of it too.

“I’m sorry.  I want you.  Let’s try this again.”  I
gave him a long
,
drawn out
kiss, and r
an
my fingers through his hair.  He responded and we spent the evening lingering over all of the details.
  There wasn’t the fire that Will and I had, but John was definitely good at
this
and was making a great effort to
please me
.
 
I finally fell asleep in John’s arms, having pushed aside some of the pain for now, knowing that it would return
the next morning
.

I woke up
with my alarm
and started what had been my morning routine with Will – brushing my hair and teeth
,
and cleaning up any smeared makeup.  The thought of Will made me rush through what I was doing so that I could climb back into bed and
have John make me
forget
my pain
again
.

A while later,
John and I both showered and I got ready for work.  John’s plan was to drive me to work and go home to change.  If we both showed up
at work
together late
and
at the same time
, it wouldn’t look good for us.

After I
arrived at the office and
turned my computer on, Daniel walked into my office.

“Did you get home okay last night?”

I answered nervously, “Yes.  Fine.”  I looked down and pretend
ed
to
start
working.

“You look a little hung-
over.  Are you going to be okay today?”

“Yes.  Fine.”  I
repeated and I
still couldn’t look at him.

“You’re acting strange.
Oh,
no
.  You
didn’t
,
did you?”

“What?” I tried to act innocent.

“John loves you, you know, and has for a long time now, even when he was with Ashley.  It’s prob
ably why Ashley left him. 
You’re really going to
hurt him
.”

“I’m not doing
anything
.”

“Yes, you
are
.  If you ever had any real feelings for him, you would have done something about it already.  He’s given you every opportunity even when he shouldn’t have.  You’ve rejected him time and again, so
why now if it wasn’t just a one-
night stand to get you through a rough night?”

“It wasn’t to
just
get me through a rough night.”
  I realized then that I had just admitted what I had done.

“Yes, it
was
.  The world heard about the flowers from Will yesterday.  That had to mess you
up.  With everything you’ve been through, how could you turn around and do it to John?”

“I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Too late.  You keep doing it - r
epeatedly.”

“Well, what do I do now?”

“Either love him back or let him move on and find someone who will.”

“I can’t love anyone or anything right now the way I am.”

“Then there’s your answer.”

I had never been lectured by Daniel before.  I had the feeling that John probably had and
often
.

“You talk to John this way?”

“All the time.”

“What do you tell him?”

“To move on.
”

“Does he listen to you?”

“He was getting there.  When you showed no i
nterest in him after your break
up with Will, I think it finally dawned on him that it was never going to happen for you two.  Of course, you just ruined that last night.”

“I’ll fix it.”

“I hope so.”

I didn’t see John all day
. 
I
was told that
he was working on a deal and had clients in the office most of the day.  I waited around even though I could have gone home.  It was ten o’clock at night before he came to my office.  We were the last two
in the office
.
  I spent most of the time
while I was waiting for John
trying to formulate what I would say to let
him
down easily and try to remain friends.

John walked into my office, smiling
excitedly
.  He
closed and locked
the door, came over to me
,
and held me
.

“You waited.  I’m
so
glad.”  He kissed me and I
couldn’t help but respond, even though I knew I shouldn’t.  My plan
to be good
went out the window as he started to kiss me hungrily and I couldn’t think of anything other than how I wanted to be wanted so badly.  It was like part of the hole that Will created
by
making me feel unwanted and unloved
closed
a little
as
John kissed me.  I knew that it wouldn’t permanently heal me, but it helped for now and so I surrendered to
John.

Afterward,
John
held me and we looked out my window at the lights of Downtown Los Angeles.  I looked over at my desk and realized that I was never going to look at
it
the same
way
.

“You know, John . . .” I sound
ed
serious.

“Shhh.”  He put his fingers to my lips.  “Not now. 
Please d
on’t spoil this.  I’m so happy right now.  We can talk later, can’t we?”

“Yes, I guess we can.”

We continued to stand there, holding each other and intermittently kissing
.  John was happy.  I was pain-
free for the moment.

We went our separate ways that night, with
my
excuse that I needed some sleep to be ready for a new client meeting the next day
and to pack for the Thanksgiving weekend
since
I was planning on
visiting
my parents in the Bay Area
.

I was lucky
that John didn’t press too hard
because I would have caved in and gone home with him. 
T
he more time I spent with him in this way, the harder it would be to disengage
,
which was what I needed to do.  If John had realized that fact, I imagined that he would have pressed harder to get me to go with him.

The next day, I told John that I wanted us to have dinner together.

“A real date,” he replied
,
excited by that prospect.

Not really
.
  F
ortunately,
I
did not say
that
out loud.

We went to a quiet place near
the office
that was not very crowded
since
it was a Wednesday night
and the night before Thanksgiving
.
 
As we walked to the restaurant,
I held my purse between us so that
John
could not hold my hand. 
W
e sat across from each other
at the restaurant
and each ordered a glass of wine.  I kept my hands in my lap for fear that he would try to reach across the table for them.

John
stared at me and I would not meet his gaze.  I busied myself with taking a sip of wine and looking at the menu.  I was not looking forward to this conversation.
 
We ordered
and
made small talk about our day.

After our meals were served,
John said
seriously
, “You wanted to talk to me.”

I looked up and he
appeared
to be bracing himself for something unpleasant.

“I did.”

“Well?”

“John, I really care about you and the last few days have been great
.”

“But
,
”
he interrupted.

“Yes, you’re right. 
‘
But
.’ 
I’m not in a position to be in
a
relationship with
anyone
right now.  I’m still in love with Will and I don’t know how not to be.  And while that’s still the case, I can’t really love anyone else.”

“I don’t care if you can’t love me yet.  I just want to be with you. 
I
love
you
.”  His eyes were pleading.

“I know and I wish I could say those words to you, but I can’t.”

“I told you I don’t care right now.  I understand.”

“Do you understand that my being with you is weak and selfish, and only
to give me some relief
from
t
he constant pain that I feel because of Will?”

“I don’t care.”

“You should.  Be
ing with me would be a half-
life for you.
You would be giving love and getting none in return
,
and preventing yourself from being out there and finding someone who would truly make you happy.  Can’t you see how unfair that would be of me?”

“I don’t see it that way.  I would get you.”

“No, you wouldn’t.  You would get sex from me and that’s about it.”

“I would have your friendship.”

“You’ve always had that and always will if we stop this
now
.  If we don’t, someday,
and probably in the not too distant future,
it will end and
end
badly.  And then we lose everything.  I don’t want to lose you.”