B0079G5GMK EBOK (15 page)

“Are you sure? I could hang around for awhile,” Gunward looked at me beseechingly.

He saw how dead tired I was and we both knew he could observe Marie as well as I, if not even better, and that would give me time to rest and collect myself. I still couldn't stand the idea that he would stay. That wouldn't help. He couldn't st
ay for long. The last time he left me
, I had almost destroyed myself. No, that would never happen again.

“Please leave,” I begged and tried to smile.

Gunward sighed and stood straight. He looked at me as if searching for somet
hing and turned to leave. I was screaming inside with panic
. Was I crazy? I couldn't let him just walk out of my life. I took a step towards him and stopped. I had no right to ask him to stay and even if he stayed without asking, that would only make things worse. Marie
was lying
there almost in a coma and she needed her fa
mily. The last thing she needed
was parents who were about to separate.  I knew if Gunward  stayed and David found out about it, our marriage would definitely be over. I also knew I couldn't let myself be stunned by Gunward's gentleness. He was a killer, a merciless predator, and I had to remember that. Even if he looked like he had become a little bit kinder, I didn't trust him. So if, and that was a big if, I went back to him I would have to be ready to face his dark side as well, and I didn't think I was that ready. Not now, or maybe not ever, but luckily I had bought myself some time. As long David stood next to me I was safe from Gunward.

Gunward had
only taken one step when he turned and
stared at me like a maniac. Every cell in him
was begging
me to ask him to stay. I stayed quiet. I couldn't ask. Just couldn't. He had to settle for these few minutes that we had shared. Gunward's face looked thunderstruck, as he realized I was really going to let him go. Sadness filled his eyes and he leaned on the banister of the stairwell. I swallowed the ugly bite in my thro
at
and tried to fight against the tears.

“Tha grádh agam ort Sofia,” Gunward said quietly and disappeared.

I watched him as he left and listened to his steps as they slowly silenced. I wiped the tears away from my eyes and tried to make my hair look at least bearable. I opened the door to the ICU and hoped I could leave this devastating emptiness outside the door. But I knew that it was impossible and that this feeling would follow me a long time after today. It would take a really long time before I could shake Gunward out of my thoughts.

Clarissa

Clarissa wandered around the school hallway, depressed. She could sense Jonas and Blake behind, but they sensed her sad mood as well and let her be alone. Marie had been in the hospital for almost a week now and Adam had been avoiding her for days. Brianna was scared to death of her and Stella didn't see anything but Jonas. She could have been with Caitlin or Emilie, but Caitlin was always so busy with her gymnastics and Emilie hadn't been the same since she had tried to seduce Adam for herself. Clarissa couldn't care less
, but Emilie thought it was
the end of the world and walked with silk socks every time she was around. They all knew now that Adam and Clarissa had something going on and it was a spee
chless agreement not to touch
your friends' boyfriends. Clarissa was so tired. She missed the old times when she could hang out with her friends and be normal. She missed Marie so much. What good was it to have a sister if you couldn't share all your secrets with her? And yes, she was surprised she had to admit to herself that she missed Adam's attention as well.

Guilt was a heavy weight. She knew that extremely well now. She had known that Marie wasn't well and what had she done? She was dreaming about Adam even when it had been Adam who had warned her. Could she have saved Marie? The question kept coming to her thoughts over and over again. She could never tell Mom that she had known. Her rage would be earth-shattering. No, she corrected in her mind, Mom would not be angry. She would just look at her so sadly that she couldn't take it. What if Marie died? She could die as she wasn’t a shape shifter and was not immortal. How could she deal with that? Clarissa swallowed her tears. So much had changed in a few days.

Their home was so quiet and seemed so empty. Mom
and Dad spent all their time at
the ho
spital, and Tiamhaidh, who was the
natural leader after Mom, was gone as well. They all wanted to be near Marie. She wanted to be with her, too, but she was too scared of that dreadful place they called the hospital. S
o she had settled to visit from
time to time, but that was about it. The rest of the pack tried to keep everything together, but it wasn't the same. It felt more like a weird play and she felt uncomfortable and strangely bothered every time she entered her home. Her head was sick all the time and even though she tried, she had no experience shutting others out of her head. She heard them all at the same time and that really was too much of a mess in her head. She knew self pity was not a beau
tiful thing, but she wanted to
wallow in it at least for a moment before she collected herself again.

Clarissa kicked the wall absentmindedly. Damn that man! Adam had promised to stay away from her, but he could've at least given her some attention. She needed him. Right now she needed him so badly.

She wanted to feel his power surrounding her, because strangely enough, with Adam she felt that she was safe. Joshua tried his best, but that was not enough. Clarissa didn't believe that Adam and Brianna would ever be together, if they had been together at all, and Adam didn't seem interested in the other girls. His drooling court still followed
him, but he didn't notice them
if he even knew they were there. Brianna was back in school, but she was like a shadow of the girl she was before. Clarissa and her friends had tried to convince her to join them, but she had strictly said no. She had actually tried to escape from them, and that was it. They never asked her again. Clarissa couldn't understand what had happened.

Brianna spoke to no one and always sat alone. She was nearly anorexically thin and all her
beautiful clothes looked like
sack
s
on her. Her hair was brushed, but it hung there dry and lifeless and made her look like a scarecrow. Brianna had been beautiful even without make up, but now even the most skillful makeup artist couldn't manage to make her look beautiful. The only color in her face was the dark, almost black shadows under her eyes that made her green eyes look constrainedly big. Her tired eyes accusingly followed her previous friends and especially seemed to find Clarissa where-ever she was. They didn't understand why she accused them. Clarissa hadn't done anything to come between her and Adam, at least not anything serious. If they broke up for some reason, that definitely was not Clarissa's fault. Brianna couldn't be saved by anyone but herself.

Clarissa sighed. Thank God the males of the pack gave her space to think. She needed time for herself, as she had to make the choice soon. How could she choose? Her mind ordered her to choose Joshua, but her heart screamed after Adam. Everyone knew how hard it was for her to choose and even if she sensed how much they wanted her to choose Joshua, she couldn't listen to them. This was her choice and she had to live with it for all her eternal life. She could never be sure of Adam. Adam was way too dangerous but on the other hand, could she live with Joshua, pretending that everything was okay and that she didn't want more? Joshua was so ordinary and peaceful. Yes, he was handsome and he could surprise her at times, but would that be enough? Joshua would never look at other women but Adam's eyes would probably wander at every woman he met. On the other hand, she could shape herself to look extremely beautiful, but she wasn't sure that even that would be enough for Adam. This was so difficult! She felt dizzy and clumsy and she had no idea how to shape herself into anything. She could barely
change her shape for a few
minutes not to mention days or even years. She would really need to talk to her mom about this.

Mom was incredibly
beautiful, but not too beautiful. She could've been a supermodel and yet she had decided to shape herself so that no one gave her too much attention. The first reaction people had when they saw her was wow! Absolutely wow! Then they looked closer and couldn't take their eyes off her. They were so sure that she was at least some kind of a celebrity. She had to be, as she was so awesome. And yet, at some point when they couldn't figure out who she was, they gave up and said they must have been mistaken and let her be. There had to be a reason why she never made a number of herself and Clarissa was going to find out wh
at it was. Her mom
had succeeded in fooling people about her age for a few centuries, so Clarissa was sure she knew a trick or two. She looked younger than thirty and with a certain light even younger than that. And yet she had some wrinkles on her forehead that told people she was much older than twenty-five or thirty. Many had said she belonged to those people that would always look ageless. M
om had laughed at them, but now
Clarissa unders
tood why. She dropped her bag on
the floor and sank next to it.

Why couldn't her life be as easy as it used to be? She laughed out loud. She didn't actually want that and when she looked closer, she didn't have to be afraid of
what she would choose. She knew
deep inside of her that she had already chosen. Now she just had to gather her courage and tell the others. How weird was this? Could she learn how to live with Adam? She was sure
there would be some banging
doors and flying dishes, but she wouldn't mind that. It would be worth it, if she could get Adam. How would it feel to wake up next to him every morning? Clarissa blushed as the next question intruded her mind. How would that feel? Would he be gentle? Probably not. There was more of a chance that he would just tear her clothes off and take her just the way he wanted. Clarissa shook her head. How stupid was she? Marie was in the hospital fighting for her life and all she could think about was how it might feel to do it with Adam. As if she had something to compare it to. She grinned to herself. She was really happy. Now that she had made up her mind, everything would be okay. But what if I'm not good enough for Adam? The thought jumped into her mind. Oh, stop that, she commanded. Adam should watch his back from now on, as she was going to hunt him down and win his heart, for sure!

The school seemed really quiet. Class had finished ages ago and the only sound she could hear was the steps of the most devoted teachers, as they didn't want to go home yet.  Christmas was near and they had their hands full of work. Luckily she didn't have to worry about her grades. She had A's in every class already, and she always knew the right answers if some teacher happened to ask her something. Dad said she was cheating, because she picked almost all of the answers from Blake's and Jonas's helpful minds, but as he wasn't sure what she was anymore, she didn't care how she got her A's. Marie was fine, too. Even
though
she
was lying
at the hospital at this moment, she had had some help from Tiamhaidh and she, too, would get excellent grades. She didn't have to worry about being away. She was way ahead of the others and could recover for as long as she needed.

Clarissa expanded her mind and touched Tiamhaidh's mind gently. She wasn't quite sure how to go about it, but he helped her as he sensed her touch and let her see into
his mind. Clarissa envied Marie
and Tiamhaidh's relationship. They both knew what they wanted and it was more than clear that they belonged t
o each other forever, though no
one could tell how long Marie's forever was. There could be a bunch of naked girls and Tiamhaidh wouldn't see them. Girls streamed all over him every time Marie was away, but there could never be anyone else for Tiamhaidh. Clarissa badly wanted her male to have the same values as he did, but with Adam, she likely wouldn't get what she wanted.

She felt Tiamhaidh smile at her and she let go of him fast. Marie was not better or worse and she could do nothing to help her by worrying. With Tiamhaidh beside her, she didn't have to drag herself into the ICU she hated. Tiamhaidh gave her the time she needed to collect the shards of her miserable life, so she would have much to tell Marie when she woke up.  

Clarissa raked at her hair
in frustration
and closed her eyes. She heard someone pla
ying the guitar in the music room
. It was a really sad,
slow ancient
song and she tried to catch its tune, but couldn't quite get it. It seemed familiar and she was sure she had heard it before, but she couldn't remember where. At times
she heard the person singing
with a low voice, but she couldn't recognize the word
s either, as they were sung in
some strange language.

Clarissa got up carefully and was surprised at how stiff her muscles were. She glanced at the clock and realized she had been sitting there in the exact same position for almost an hour.
She sneaked
behind the door of the music class
room
and peeked in from the tiny window on the door. Jonas and Blake were about to come to her, but she showed with her hand that she didn't want them to come. Blake nodded and they disappeared behind the corner.