B008J4PNHE EBOK (60 page)
Authors: Owen King
I’m sure I’ve left off some people who belong in here. Please know that I appreciate you, but sometimes I’m stupid and forgetful.
William Gay, I really wanted you to read this, my friend. You are missed.
My mom and my dad, my sister and my brother: thank you.
Kelly Braffet, sometimes I think I can’t love you any more, and then the next day happens.
SEVENTY-FOUR
SEVENTY-FIVE THINGS THAT CAUSE UNNECESSARY FATIGUE
1. Rushing
2. Exercising
3. Children
4. Pets
5. Pet-sitting
6. Cooking
7. Dating
8. Laundry that must be air-dried
9. Analysis
10. Shopping in stores—clothing stores in particular and malls in general
11. Parties—hosting or attending
12. Hiking
13. Preservation—framing artwork, storing and displaying mementoes, maintaining photo albums
14. Recycling
15. Investing
16. Air travel
17. Contact lenses
18. Holiday celebrations
19. Gift giving and gift receiving
20. Writing thank you cards and receiving thank you cards
21. Bachelor parties
22. Weddings
23. More than seven close relationships/friendships (
including immediate family
)
24. Overnight visitors, visiting overnight
25. Memberships
26. Discount cards and coupons
27. Libraries
28. Jazz
29. Opera
30. Criticizing people face-to-face and being criticized face-to-face
31. Political talk
32. Voting
33. Effort to obtain illegal narcotics
34. Prying into the affairs of strangers
35. Empathizing with people you don’t know or don’t know well (
empathy should ideally be limited to the seven close relationships
)
36. National pride
37. Music on vinyl
38. Noisy environments
39. Crowded environments
40. Driving in urban areas
41. Driving a standard shift vehicle
42. Driving a motorcycle
43. Giving driving directions, copying down driving directions, following driving directions
44. Owning property
45. Gardening
46. Telephone landlines
47. Petitions
48. Rooting for sports teams
49.
Risk
50. Conspiracy theories and discussion with people who believe in conspiracy theories
51. Religious worship
52. Gambling
53. Waiting in lines
54. Going to concerts (particularly when there is no seating)
55. Dining in restaurants
56. Eating at tables
57. Morning appointments
58. Re-sealable packaging (does not work)
59. Grapes with seeds
60. Zappa
61. Inkjet printers
62. Pencils
63. Use of semi-colons
64. Pynchon
65.
The New Yorker
66. Science Fiction (especially all the different versions of
Blade Runner,
totally unnecessary)
67. Science
68. Book Clubs
69. DVD Easter Eggs
70. Anime
71. Freelance anything
72. Collaboration, partnership (fair share of labor impossible to determine, plus other obvious problems)
73. British-style crosswords
74. Museums
75. Hugging a mummy
©DANIELLE LURIE
OWEN KING
is a graduate of Vassar College and holds an MFA from the Columbia University School of the Arts. He is the author of
We’re All in This Together: A Novella and Stories
, as well as the co-editor of
Who Can Save Us Now? Brand-New Superheroes and Their Amazing (Short) Stories
. His writing has appeared in
Fairy Tale Review, One Story, Prairie Schooner,
and
Subtropics
, among other publications. Owen has also taught creative writing at Columbia University and Fordham University and is a working screenwriter with a script in development by the producer of
Winter’s Bone
. He is married to the novelist Kelly Braffet.
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COPYRIGHT © 2013 SIMON & SCHUSTER
ALSO BY OWEN KING
We’re All in This Together: A Novella and Stories
Who Can Save Us Now?
(co-editor)
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
ISBN 978-1-4516-7689-1
ISBN 978-1-4516-7691-4 (ebook)
Page 163
: “A Brief for the Defense” from
REFUSING HEAVEN: POEMS
by Jack Gilbert, copyright © 2005 by Jack Gilbert. Used by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc. Any third party use of this material, outside of this publication, is prohibited. Interested parties must apply directly to Random House, Inc. for permission.