B0161IZ63U (A) (19 page)

Several moments passed then, with a deep sigh, Lila nodded.

“You will be in Cambridge for that class tomorrow if I have to put you on the plane myself.”

Lila nodded harder.  “Okay, okay.” Her eyes rose to his.  “Thank you, Dad.”

“I love you more than life.”

“Me too.”  Lila allowed him to pull her into another hug, tucking her nose into his neck.

--

After talking, catching up, and droning their way through a few episodes of a Law and Order marathon, Lila left her father sleeping on the recliner and made her way upstairs.

Chase and Alicia had been gone for what felt like decades. 

Creeping up to the door of her parent’s bedroom, she paused in the dark hallway when she heard Chase’s voice.

Taking a moment, she finally found the nerve to peek inside the room.

Alicia was sitting on the edge of the bed with her hands clasped in her lap. Chase was directly in front of her, leaning forward on the floral armchair he’d pulled up next to the bed, eyes boring into hers.

Lila caught him in the middle of his sentence.  His voice was soft, soothing.

“But Danni is gone, Alicia.  She’s gone, and I think you understand that,” he whispered.  “Just because she’s not here, doesn’t mean she’s not real.  She is.  She’s real here right?”  He motioned to his heart, waiting for Alicia to nod her head.

“I just don’t want to abandon her.”

“I get that.  I still talk to my mother every day, because I don’t want her to think I’ve forgotten her. Sometimes talking to thin air doesn’t feel like enough.  You want to go deeper, but you have no idea how, and that makes you feel like you’re failing them, but you’re not.  They can always hear us, I really believe that.” Chase’s eyes searched hers, and he hesitated.  A few moments passed, and then he reached up, pulling his locket from around his neck.  It jingled, and the sound seemed to pierce right through the quiet space.

Lila’s body jerked at the sight of Chase taking that necklace off. She almost crossed the room, but stopped herself when she saw him hold it out to her mom.

“This…” For the first time that day, Chase faltered.  “This was my mother’s.  She gave it to me a long time ago. I lost it for a while, but when I found it… I started using it as a reminder.  A reminder to keep going, because…. before I found it?” He laughed wistfully.  “I wanted the world to
stop
.”

Alicia quietly nodded.

Chase took her in, still clutching the locket. “My mother was gone, and I wanted
everything
to stop.  So when the world kept right on spinning, I got really angry about that.  I stopped spinning with it.  For a long time.”  He held up the locket.  “I wear this next to my heart, and it’s a reminder, every day, to keep going.  To be good to people.  To be good to myself.  I know I can be good to myself, and still stay true to her.  I know that now. That’s what she would’ve wanted for me.  And I know that’s what Danni wants for you.”  He took Alicia’s hand.  “I want you to have it.”

Lila covered her mouth with her hand and jammed her eyes shut, tears falling down her cheeks.

Chase closed Alicia’s fingers around the locket, where a photo of he and his mother had resided for nearly ten years.  “I know a guy who can even get a picture of Danni inside of it if you’d like that.”

“What about you?” Alicia asked.  “Won’t you need it?”

He smiled.  “Don’t worry about that. When you’re done with it, you can give it back.  Or you can pay it forward.  Or you can keep it forever.  For as long as you need.  Whatever you decide, you just have to
keep going
.  Alright?”

Alicia looked down at the gold chain peeking out from her fisted hand, and then nodded softly.

“Okay, Chase.”

11

After taking a short nap, Alicia woke up later in the evening insisting on making dinner for everyone.  Since Lila and Chase would only be there for the night, she was eager to make up for the time she’d lost, and how little she had left, with her only daughter. 

Lila watched from the dining room as Alicia moved across the kitchen excitedly, pulling out all the different ingredients she’d need to cook up whatever meal she had in mind.

Her mother had never been an iron chef, and Lila was secretly dreading what was going to come out of that kitchen.  At the moment, however, she’d eat anything, anything to keep the small smile on her mother’s face for as long as possible.  Lila was happy to see Alicia doing better.

The gold locket swung from Alicia’s neck as she went to work chopping up the food.  Lila found herself entranced by it.

Just waking up from his own nap, Chase came stumbling into the dining room as Alicia was preparing dinner.  The smell of the impending feast had stirred him awake.

At the sight of him, Lila perked up in the dining chair she was curled into, smiling brightly.

His eyebrows jumped at the sight, and he couldn’t help smiling back.

He somehow looked different without the locket around his neck.  He hadn’t taken it off, not one single day, since he’d found it at age sixteen.  Lila had to blink back tears when the weight of him giving it to her mother almost overwhelmed her.

Alicia craned her neck. “Chase, is that you?”

“Whaddup?” Chase greeted, smirking as he circled into the kitchen.

Lila rolled her eyes at his attempt to be cool in front of her mother.

Alicia grinned when he came into her view.  “I knew those hard stomps couldn’t be my husband. He hasn’t been big enough to make that kind of noise for years.”  Alicia accepted Chase’s hug, careful not to touch him with her wet palms.  Her eyes were still swollen from a long day of tears as she pulled back, but there was a light behind them now.  “Are you hungry, sweetheart?”

Chase leaned into her, watching as she chopped up several different veggies and spices.

“Yes, ma’am.  Starving.”

“Do you like tuna casserole?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Aren’t you a Manhattan boy?”

“Yes, ma’am.  Born and raised.”

“I thought you were.  So what’s with all this
yes ma’am
business?”

“He wasn’t raised by wolves?” Lila offered, jumping in from the table.  She had half a mind to save Chase from her mother, but she was secretly enjoying the show.

Alicia’s eyes never wavered from Chase.  “Call me
Alicia.
”

“Yes, ma’am,” Chase said, throwing Lila a look.

Lila could only smile.

“I’ll make extra for you,” Alicia said, turning to him.  She reached out and took his biceps in her hands.  “Wow.” She turned to Lila. “A
lot
extra,” she added, squeezing.

Lila raised an eyebrow at the sight of Chase visibly flexing. He was enjoying this far too much.

“You’re a growing boy!” Alicia went back to the chopping board, looking at him from over her shoulder.  “Do you want to help me chop some onions, sweetheart?”

“Mom!  Leave him alone.”

“Yes, baby, leave him alone,” Paul cosigned Lila, coming into the dining room and kissing the top of Lila’s head. He nodded into the kitchen. “Chase, why don’t you come stand outside with me for a while?”

Lila’s wide eyes relocated from her mother to her father, and then back to Chase.  She went to stand up.

Her father held a hand out.  “Is your name Chase?”

With a downturned mouth, Lila slowly reclaimed her seat, watching as Chase crossed the room and stepped out onto the front porch with her father.

--

Chase held the front door open for Paul as they made their way out onto the porch.  The sun was setting across the East River.  He could see the beginnings of the Brooklyn Bridge from the James’ front porch, and had to wonder, again, how much this place was worth now.  He wondered if they knew they were sitting on a multi-million dollar property.

Looking around the busy neighborhood, he realized they
must
know.  Nothing but buttoned up stockbrokers, hipsters with wealthy parents, and unassuming Jewish people who were probably worth billions, moved along the sidewalks.

Clutching the porch railings and watching the people as they passed by, he was amazed at how much had happened.  He and Lila hadn’t even been back in New York for a full day, but it felt like it had been a week. As the setting sun wisped random shots of light through the Manhattan skyline and across the river, he waited for his heart to ache.  He waited for the yearning, the nostalgia that most felt when they came home after a long time away.  It didn’t come.

It never had.

Chase knew why.

His home had followed him to Cambridge.  His home had always been right on his heels.  His home had never left.

Paul leaned on the railing next to him, sighing.

“I saw you getting harangued by my wife in there.  Figured you needed some saving.”

Chase sighed a dramatic sigh of relief, shooting Paul a look. “For a minute there, I thought this was going to be a talk about how many rifles you own.”

Paul laughed heartily.  “I know my daughter.  She’s not the one who needs protecting.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

“But since we’re on the subject…
is
there something going on between you and my daughter?”

“No.”  It was Chase’s turn to laugh.  “No, we’re just…” He had no idea how to answer that question.

“Perhaps we do need to talk about how many rifles I own?”

“We don’t.”  Chase laughed. 
Not yet.

Paul followed Chase’s eyes across the river.  “Thank you for taking care of my girls today.  I should have been here, and I wasn’t.  I’ll never forget what you did here today, young man.”

“It was nothing.”

“It wasn’t. I’ve seen it every year.  Every year, on this day, my wife transforms, and it’s not nothing. It’s hard. It’s scary. You handled it better than most men twice your age could.  Myself included, apparently.”

“Don’t mention it, man.”

Paul sighed.  “I thought enabling her would help.  I thought if I just let her go through this, eventually it would work its way out of her, and she’d stop being plagued with constant reminders of Danni everywhere she turned. That she’d get it out of her system. I even moved her to California for a year to try to make it stop, but distance wasn’t the answer, either. It wasn’t the right decision. Ignoring it has only made it worse. Now we’re back in New York, and she’s in a darker place than ever before.”

“You were doing what you felt you had to do to help your wife.”  Chase clapped a hand on his back.  “Don’t beat yourself up.”

“I trust you’re taking care of my oldest daughter back in Cambridge?”

“Ah…” As hard as he fought it, a blush hit Chase’s cheeks.  “As much as she’ll allow me to, sir.”

“And how much is that?”

“Not much.”

It was Paul’s turn to laugh.  “She’s stubborn.”

“Like an ox.”

“Always has been.  Always.  But don’t give up on her.”

“Hasn’t happened yet.”  Chase frowned into the distance.  “Not sure I know how.”

“You know, she talks about you,” Paul raised his eyebrows when Chase looked at him.  “You’re stronger than you know, son.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Stop calling me sir.”

“I’m sorry, sir.” 

With a laugh, Paul placed a hand on his back.  “We’ll get there. Come on, let’s get back inside, my wife has been pretending to cook dinner for long enough, we don’t want the house to go up in flames.”

--

James Cashman Middle School

Brooklyn

Tears spilled down Lila’s face as she raced through the busy halls of James Cashman Middle School.  It was her second year as a student at Cashman, but the dread coursing through her veins had begun to flood her mind, and she stumbled through the hallways, confused, trying to find the right path through the tears clouding her vision.

Finally, she rocketed through the glass doors of the school’s front office.  The moment the pretty receptionist saw the tears on Lila’s face, she put the phone call she’d been in the middle of on hold.

“What is it dear?” she asked, her eyes growing big with concern.

Lila’s chest heaved underneath her baggy P.E. t-shirt, and she opened her mouth to speak.  “I… I…. I…” Tears spilled down her cheeks and into her open mouth as she attempted to find words.  “I’m scared,” she finally gasped, before collapsing into sobs.

“Okay dear.” The receptionist circled the desk and took Lila’s shoulders, cradling her tear-stained face to her bosom as she led her down the hall to the guidance counselor’s office.  She threw open the door following one swift knock.

The middle-aged guidance counselor looked up from her desk and caught Lila’s eyes.

Lila jolted roughly awake.  When she found herself searching unfamiliar room with bleary vision, she immediately shot up into a sitting position, squinting into the darkness.

It wasn’t until Chase sat up and placed a soothing hand on her back that Lila was able to take her first real breath, gasping in the air. 

The live wire was touching her, skin on skin, zapping her straight into full consciousness, wakefulness. Her chest heaved as the current pulsated through her body, not just waking her up, but waking her up
winded,
like she’d just run a country mile.   Struggling to regain her breathing, she met his eyes.

They’d put on a Netflix movie earlier in the night and had fallen asleep in the living room.  Lila was on the couch, and Chase on a cot of blankets and pillows he’d built on the floor next to it.

“You okay?” he asked, squinting groggily through one eye.

Lila ran her fingers through her hair.  It was drenched in sweat.

“I hate this place.”

“I know you do, Lila.”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“I know that too.  Go back to bed.”

Her nightmare came flooding back to her mind, and her breathing picked up again.

Sensing this, he pressed his hand harder into her back, sending the current pulsating under her skin into overdrive, shocking her with each second it stayed on her.