Bachelor Father (10 page)

“Oh, Zeke.” Her voice was husky. “That means so much to me. And it will mean the world to Amanda.”

“I hope you’re right.” His declaration was almost worth it just to see the warmth and eagerness in her expression. “I still think there could come a time when she’d rather spend her vacation with her friends back in New York instead of out in the boonies with me.”

“I doubt it.” Katherine swept an arm around the clearing. “Look at all you have here. Only an idiot wouldn’t feel lucky to be allowed to spend time with you here.”

He thought of pointing out that she was itching to hightail it out of this paradise he’d brought her to, but he didn’t.

She leaned back and gazed out through the trees where the clouds were giving way to a star-speckled night sky. “Listen to the wind in the pines. And the crickets, and the drip, drip, drip of rainwater from the eaves. The combination is hypnotic.”

“I guess it is.” He wasn’t sure he’d have said that. The night was relaxing him, but he was far from hypnotized. The more he relaxed, the more he wanted to take her to bed.

“And the air smells so...so fertile.”

“Mmm.” He supposed she was only speaking poetically. After all, she was a magazine editor, and she had to come up with descriptions of fashion stuff all the time. She probably hadn’t meant to use a word that made him think about sex. More specifically, sex with her. She had been fertile a year ago. No doubt she was again.

“Amanda will love coming here,” Katherine said.

“But she’ll be the only kid. That could be lonely.”

“Maybe sometimes she will be. I was, too. But that can’t be helped, can it?”

God, he must be insane. What he really wanted, now that he’d committed to this fatherhood thing, was to give Amanda a baby brother or sister. And this time he could be in touch with Katherine throughout the pregnancy, and he’d be there to watch the baby being born. After all, what difference would it make whether they set up this whole scheme for one kid or two? And to make love to her again, knowing that he was trying to get her pregnant—he grew hard just thinking about it.

Of course it was an impossible dream. He cleared his throat. “No, I guess it can’t be helped.”

She was silent for some time after that.

He sat and tried to become as hypnotized as she apparently was by the rhythm of the wind, the chirp of the crickets and the steady drip of the water. Instead the wind reminded him of Katherine’s sigh of satisfaction, and the crickets sounded like the squeak of bedsprings. The dripping water beat in the same steady tempo that gave Katherine so much pleasure when he was deep—

“Do you think...you’ll get married someday?”

No, not now.
“Hard to say. If I did, the woman would have to like this isolated life-style. So far every woman I’ve been serious about has finally admitted she’d go crazy living the way I live, and we’ve broken off the relationship, so I may be out of luck. Why?”

“Your comment about Amanda being an only child. I started thinking about it and realized that you might get married and have other children, so she’d have half brothers and sisters.”

“Would you like that?” He wanted her to say that she’d hate it, that she never wanted another woman to lie with him the way she had.

“Well, I—suppose then Amanda wouldn’t be by herself when she visited you.”

He turned his head to look at her. “That isn’t what I asked. Would
you
like me to get married and have other children?”

“I don’t see what that has to do with anything. What difference does it make whether I would like it? If it would be good for you, and good for Amanda, then I—”

“Damn it, Katherine, stop being so civilized and reasonable. All right, I’ll go first. You could do the same thing—find a New York stockbroker and have a slew of kids with the guy.”

“Oh, I don’t think—”

“Why not? You said the magazine office is set up for kids.”

“Well, maybe, but men aren’t beating down my door with marriage proposals. I’m not what you’d call a sexy woman.”

He laughed.

“I’m not! Most men think I’m too tall, or too smart, or too skinny.”

“Skinny? I don’t think so!”

“It’s true. I’ve been a skinny girl all my life, and I haven’t even had much in the way of breasts until Amanda was born.”

He gazed at her, remembering the pleasure she’d given him in the confines of his little tent last summer. Maybe her breasts were fuller now, but they’d fit his hands perfectly then, too. “You have beautiful breasts,” he said. “I thought so before, and I still do.” Even in the dim light from the stars he could see that her eyes darkened in response.

“So don’t tell me you won’t have any guys hanging around hoping you’ll consider marrying them,” he continued. He figured it was even more likely now, after the baby. Pregnancy and childbirth had added to Katherine’s womanliness in potent, yet undefinable, ways.

“Okay, maybe somebody might show up,” she said. “And I suppose if I met someone and we decided to marry, I’d have to consider whether it would be good for Amanda to have a brother or sister. But we’re talking a long time from now, Zeke.”

He leaned toward her. “You know how long I’d like it to be? Amanda’s welfare aside?”

“No. I’m not sure I understand your point.”

His blood was heating up, and he couldn’t seem to help it. “I’d like it to be never, Katherine. I don’t want another man to touch you the way I have, to make you pregnant, to stand beside you gazing down at the little child you’ve created together.”

She stared at him, her eyes wide, her lips parted.

He pushed on. “The only way I’d want Amanda to have a brother or sister would be if I made you pregnant again. That’s selfish and unreasonable and exactly the way I feel.”

Her breath came quick and shallow as she gazed at him. “I don’t know how you do it,” she murmured.

“Do what?”

“Make me want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. You don’t even have to touch me. All you have to do is say something like that, and I’m on fire.”

A shudder passed through him. He could take her inside now, and she would go. “But you don’t want to be aroused, do you?”

She shook her head.

“Then I—”

A long, melancholy howl rose on the night air. He paused to listen.

Katherine’s breath caught. “A wolf,” she said, almost reverently.

“Yes.” The howl came again. Then others in the pack joined in, creating a primitive chorus that gave him chills of pleasure every time. A pack had migrated down from Yellowstone, and although some people in the area weren’t happy about it, Zeke was thrilled.

She rose from her chair and walked over to the porch steps, as if lured by the sound. “Naomi gave me the bachelor auction brochure to read. You helped bring wolves back to this area, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“That’s something to be proud of.”

“They don’t scare you?”

She shook her head. “Bears are the only animals that really frighten me, and I’m sure that’s from that horrible story I heard when I was a kid.” She grasped the smooth post beside her and leaned against it as the wolves sent up another series of plaintive cries. Then she took a deep breath. “Magnificent.”

Something shifted in the region of Zeke’s heart. He hadn’t meant to bring her to his sanctuary, yet it seemed at this moment as if she’d been destined to come. He knew she wouldn’t stay, couldn’t stay, but it seemed right that she was here now, sharing the magic of crickets and raindrops and a wolf serenade.

“Zeke, look!” She pointed to the night sky.

He pushed out of his chair and moved over beside her as a falling star streaked downward and disappeared into the trees, followed by another, and another.

She lifted her face in wonder. “It’s a meteor shower, isn’t it?”

Zeke gazed at her, more mesmerized by the expression on her face than the sparks of light blazing trails toward the horizon. “You’ve never seen one?”

“No, but I always wished I could. Oh, Zeke. This is beautiful. It seems as if it stopped raining just so we could see this.”

“Yep, it does.” He ached from wanting to hold her, but he kept his hands at his sides and allowed her to enjoy the show. From now on, meteor showers would be linked in his memory to the rapture on her face as she stared up into the night sky. Last summer she’d appeared like a meteor in his life, a flash of almost painful beauty that quickly disappeared. He’d worked for months to try to forget her. Now she was back, burning brighter than before.

And he would never, ever forget.

CHAPTER TEN

T
HE
MAJORITY
OF
THE
NIGHT
threatened to ensnare Katherine, but she resisted surrendering completely. Standing here with Zeke as stars fell from the sky and wolves called to their mates wove a dangerous spell. The soft hoot of an owl echoed deep in the forest, and she recognized her susceptibility to that sound. It triggered a memory of nights spent in the Adirondacks with her parents, summer nights when she’d felt connected to the natural world and had dreamed of becoming a wilderness guide.

But she hadn’t chosen that career path, and now her beloved Naomi was counting on her. She must not allow herself to fall in love tonight—

not with the wilderness and not with the man. Although he stood quietly beside her, there was nothing calm about him. Heat and the pulse of unfulfilled needs bridged the space between their bodies. If she lingered, he would close that space.

A gust of wind swept across the porch as clouds began to edge out the cascading lights. Katherine smelled the pungent odor of rain on the breeze. It was her cue to break the spell.

“This has been fantastic.” She forced weariness into her voice, although she was taut with the same emotions that ruled Zeke. She avoided looking at him. One glance into his dark eyes could be her undoing. “But I think I’ll turn in. It’s been a long day.”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

A haunting note in his response tore at her resolve. But for the sake of everyone—Zeke, Naomi, Amanda and herself—she had to be strong. “Mind if I get ready first?”

“That’s fine.”

She sneaked a peek at him. He was gazing out into the clearing, his jaw rigid. “I’ll be fast,” she said.

“Take your time.”

He had amazing control, she thought as she left him standing on the porch. Most men would have pressed the issue on a romantic night like this one.

Once inside, she walked over to gaze down at her sleeping baby. Amanda looked snug as could be in her copper kettle. The fire had burned down to flickering embers, and Zeke had turned both kerosene lanterns low. With the cozy glow from the fire warming the room and sturdy log walls surrounding her, Katherine longed to snuggle into the shelter of Zeke’s arms for the rest of the night. But if she gave in to that urge, she might not find the courage to leave.

She took off Zeke’s nylon jacket that carried his woodsy scent, and hung it on the hook by the door. Then she crossed the room and turned back the covers on the bed. Zeke had probably made the bed frame, peeling the logs for the head and footboard the same way he had peeled and finished the logs for the cabin walls. It was a sturdy bed, just right for...sleeping.

Because she had no nightwear, she decided to take off the socks and sweats and sleep in her panties and Zeke’s flannel shirt. She also removed the sling from around her arm. But once she crawled under the covers, she discovered that Zeke’s scent clung to the sheets, too. She should have been prepared for that, but she wasn’t. There was no escape from the sensuous pull of this man whom she longed for and couldn’t have.

The scent of him aroused her, but it held some comfort, too. As she drifted off to sleep she thought how strange it was that Zeke could make her feel so safe, yet so completely unsettle her at the same time.

* * *

T
HE
FIRE
WAS
OUT
and the air chilly in the cabin when Katherine awoke. At first she thought Amanda had caused her to come suddenly wide-awake, but when she leaned over the side of the bed to peer at the baby, she was still fast asleep.

Then she heard a moan. Sitting straight up in bed, heart pounding, she searched the dim cabin for the source of the sound. Zeke lay on the large rag rug near the fireplace, with a blanket over him. She could see no one—or nothing—else.

Then the moan came again, and she realized it was Zeke.

“No, no,” he cried out softly, twisting his body under the blanket. “No, don’t make me.”

The desperate plea in his voice broke her heart. She couldn’t imagine Zeke ever begging that way, and when awake he never would. But in the grip of a nightmare, all his pride was stripped away. As he moaned again, she wondered if she should wake him. She could end the nightmare, but then he’d know she’d seen him at his most vulnerable. For a man like Zeke, that could be worse than any nightmare.

“Please, oh, please.” His voice was choked. “Oh, please. No. No-o-o-o.”

Katherine couldn’t stand it. Let him hate her for knowing too much, but she couldn’t bear to let him suffer like this. Slipping out of bed, she picked her way around Amanda’s bassinet and over to the fireplace where Zeke lay on his side with his back to her.

He cried out softly and muttered something that sounded like, “I’ll be good. Don’t, please.”

Kneeling on the rug beside him, Katherine breathed in the charred scent of fireplace ashes as she put her hand on his shoulder. Such a powerful shoulder. Such a frightened man. She shook him gently. “Zeke, wake up. You’re dreaming.”

He jerked instantly awake and rolled to his back, nearly knocking her over. “What? What is it?”

She steadied herself by putting her right hand on his chest and noticed her sprained wrist didn’t hurt quite as much now. She also noticed that she was touching bare skin, and wondered whether he’d left on any of his clothes. “You were having a nightmare.”

“Oh.” He put his hand over hers and exhaled slowly. “Yeah.”

“I...are you okay?”

“Yeah.” He gave her hand a slight squeeze. “Thanks.”

His pitiful cries still echoed in her head. She couldn’t make herself get up and leave him to fall asleep alone and maybe return to the same nightmare. Acting on instinct, she eased down next to him on the rug and pillowed her head on her arm. His warmth radiated out to her, taking some of the chill from the air.

For a while they lay there quietly. She could tell he was sorting his way through the nightmare as his heartbeat thudded steadily against the light pressure of her hand on his chest. If he went back to sleep, she’d slip away and return to bed. But right now, she believed he needed someone with him.

“I guess she was doing what she thought was best for both of us,” he said at last as he began to gently stroke her hand.

Katherine waited, hardly daring to breathe for fear he’d stop talking if she became too intrusive. She had the feeling he might never have revealed his nightmare to anyone before.

“I thought it was because I’d been bad, and she was punishing me. But I guess she just couldn’t take care of me anymore.”

Katherine was sure he must be talking about his mother, but she didn’t want to ask and ruin the moment.

“That gate looked huge, like it led to a giant’s house, a giant who would eat little boys. She told me to get out of the car. When I wouldn’t, she yelled at me and dragged me out.”

Tears gathered in Katherine’s eyes, but she remained silent.

“She told me to go through that gate and down the road, that someone would take care of me there.” His voice dropped to a rough whisper. “I thought they’d put me in a cage, fatten me up and have me for dinner. But I went. I had nowhere else to go.”

Katherine pictured a small, scared boy walking valiantly down a dusty road to his doom. She choked back a sob.

Zeke kept hold of her hand as he rolled to face her. He touched her damp cheek. “I...I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“Yes.” She cleared her throat. She couldn’t see his face very well in the shadows, but maybe that was best. The darkness might make him feel less exposed. “Yes, you should have.”

“Katherine...I just...please let me hold you for a minute. I’m not going to...”

Silently she eased closer, wrapping her arms around him as he wrapped his around her. It was an embrace of comfort, not passion.

Zeke laid his cheek against the top of her head. “I wish I could stop the dreams.”

“Maybe you can. Maybe telling me about it will help.”

His voice was low, subdued. “The thing is, it came out okay. She was right. There was somebody there to take care of me, somebody who did a better job than she’d been doing. And it happened a long time ago. I should be able to forget about it.”

“You’ll probably never forget about it, Zeke. Being left by your mother when you’re small is the scariest thing to a kid.”

He took a long, shuddering breath. “It was pretty scary.”

“When my parents died on the New Jersey Turnpike, I was eighteen, a nearly grown woman who should have been able to cope. But I was furious at them for months, thinking they never should have taken that trip, that it was somehow their fault that they’d died and abandoned me.” She paused, realizing that it wasn’t so easy for her to admit to weaknesses, either. “I have nightmares, too, sometimes.”

Zeke rubbed her back lightly. “Eighteen is still pretty young.”

His touch set off sensuous ripples within her, but she managed to keep her feelings pleasantly cozy, not overheated with desire. Now wasn’t the time for that. “But I wasn’t as young as you were. Do you know if your mother...if she’s—”

His hand stilled. “Lost Springs was notified that she died a year after she dropped me off there. But sometimes I dream that she’s come back, and I tell her about my job as a park ranger.”

“I know.” Katherine felt the tug of an old grief. “Sometimes I dream that my parents are alive, that it was all a mistake about the wreck. And they’re so proud of me for becoming an editor at
Cachet.
”

“Maybe they know.”

“Maybe.” Her throat tightened. “The hardest part has been this past year, when I was carrying their grandchild. And now she’s here, and so beautiful. I want them to see her.”

“I’ll bet you do.” His voice was rich with understanding.

“But having her helps, in a way. Because it proves to me that life goes on. My parents live on in Amanda.”

He lay quietly for a moment. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

“You said your mother had a dimple in her chin like Amanda’s.”

There was another long silence. “She told me it was because I kept putting my finger there,” he said finally. “She said if I ever stopped, she’d lose her dimple, so every chance I got I pressed on her chin.”

Katherine smiled in the darkness. “That’s cute.”

“I’d forgotten about that until this minute.”

“You see?” She snuggled against him, which felt good. Very good. She felt her resolve slipping. But Zeke would maintain control. He always did. “Nice memories might help balance the bad ones,” she said.

“They might.”

“I want you to have all sorts of nice memories with Amanda.”

He didn’t respond.

“You haven’t changed your mind about having her visit, have you?”

The silence lengthened. “She might not want to be around me that much,” he said finally. “I’m not a real lovable type.”

Wrong.
“Who says?”

“Well, think about it. If I’d been easier to live with, my mother would have tried harder to keep me.”

“Oh, Zeke.” Her heart ached at his implication that he didn’t deserve to be loved. Instinctively she moved closer. “Your mother didn’t leave because you had problems. She left because she did. Take it from me. You’re very lovable. Amanda will adore coming to visit you.”

“Mmm.”

“You don’t believe me. But I guarantee that time spent with you in this special place will be the highlight of her year.”

“If you say so.” His answer sounded neutral, as if he didn’t much care one way or the other.

“Okay, now what’s wrong? Did I say something to upset you?”

“No.”

“I must have. Look, if I’ve said something insensitive, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m only trying—”

“It’s not what you said.” He carefully took her arm from around his waist.

“Then what’s going on?”

“This.” He took her hand and placed it against the cotton of his briefs, which bulged with his very hard erection. Then he laced his fingers through hers and drew her hand back up between them. His voice was strained. “I wanted to stay here snuggled together the rest of the night. I thought if I concentrated on something boring like laundry, I could keep control. But I think you’d better go back to bed, Katherine.”

She ignited instantly, suddenly aware that she wore very little and he wore even less.

“I mean it.” He paused, his breathing unsteady. “Unless...you’ve changed your mind.”

She realized that was as close as he’d ever come to asking her to help him banish his demons, at least for tonight. A woman would have to be made of stone to reject the plea in his voice, and she was definitely made of flesh and blood. Warm, eager flesh and heated blood.

Slowly she lifted her face to his. “Help me change it,” she murmured. “Kiss me, Zeke.”

With a groan he covered her mouth with his.

* * *

S
HE
OFFERED
OBLIVION
, and he took it. When he kissed her, nothing else mattered, and he needed mindless pleasure, needed it so much he was shaking. Maybe she wouldn’t love him forever, but she’d love him tonight. For a few hours she’d fill the hollow place in his heart, ease the familiar, constant pain he felt there.

She tunneled her fingers through his hair and her open mouth cradled his, inviting him deep. He grew light-headed and crazy with desire as he sank into the remembered richness of her kiss. Cupping her head, he guided her to her back on the braided rug. The scent of smoldering embers became an aphrodisiac, stirring his pleasure centers with year-old memories of a dying campfire and a passion-drenched Katherine in his arms. The cabin floor was no softer than the canvas-covered ground where he’d taken her that first time. There was something elemental about making love on an unyielding surface that suited the way Zeke felt about Katherine.

She’d wanted him desperately then, yet her needs seemed even more urgent now. And each little cry, each whimper, soothed his battered heart. Maybe her desire for him last summer had been more than gratitude, more than a reaction to her close call in the rapids.

He unfastened the buttons of her shirt with trembling fingers and reached beneath the flannel to cup her warm breast. Her nipple was moist.