Back in the Lion's Den (16 page)

But it didn’t. With a violent little shudder, too much of a coward to stand there and take any more of his “kindness”, she pulled the brown corduroy jacket she’d draped over her shoulders more closely around her, saying, ‘I have to get back to Daisy.’ She was already moving back to the car. ‘She’ll be wondering where I am.’

‘Sienna …’

There was such a depth of anguish in his voice that she turned round, saw the same emotion reflected in his eyes. But then he’d been worried sick about Daisy, hadn’t he? she
told herself painfully. That must surely have left him feeling as battered as she was.

She was leaning against the car as though she needed its support, so petite and desirable beneath her creamy lightweight sweater and jeans that he wanted to take her in his arms and kiss away that harrowed look on her face. But he forced himself to hold back, not sure whether it would do more harm than good. She’d always denied wanting a serious involvement with him, although because of the way she made love—as if no other man existed for her—he’d been presumptuous enough to imagine she was just saying it to save face. But now—because of what happened to Daisy—when there was so much that he needed to say to her—he had been dealt a blow that left him wondering whether in fact she had ever been his.

‘Indulge me,’ he suggested heavily. ‘If only for one last time.’ Silently he held out his hand.

Sensing something in his manner that brooked no resistance, Sienna took it this time, following his lead a little way along the riverbank.

Unusually, he seemed to be having some inner struggle with himself, and needing to say something, no matter how trivial, to ease the anguish his silence was only intensifying, she grasped the first thing that came into her head and said, ‘Thank you for helping Mum and Dad.’ She’d been meaning to express her gratitude ever since last night.

‘It was the least I could do,’ he said.

‘Mum hasn’t been able to stop talking about it. About you,’ she emphasised poignantly, and then, with a hopeless little glance up at him that seemed to squeeze the life out of her heart, she murmured, ‘Sorry about that.’

His smile was jerky. ‘As I said …’ He brought her hand up, studying their clasped fingers with an almost pained absorption. ‘It was the least I could do—especially as it gave me the opportunity to get to know them a little, and to tell you that I think your mother and father are great. They’re warm, easygoing
and hard-working, and on top of that they’re honest—which it seems is more than you’ve been with them, isn’t it, Sienna?’ His breath caught before he tagged on, ‘Or with me.’

She looked at him quickly, her expression guarded. She thought she’d never seen such bleakness in anyone’s eyes. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

He stopped on the way-worn path, pulling her gently round to face him. ‘I mean you did a very good job of convincing me that Tim Leicester was nothing more than a caring big brother. But that isn’t what your mother very innocently led me to believe.’

The hands that were holding her loosely dropped away as she took a step back. She couldn’t understand what it was he was trying to say.

‘That week my brother went away … She told me this morning she’d arranged to come over from Spain to see you. But you told her you were joining Niall in Copenhagen and that you weren’t going to be around. But you didn’t go to Copenhagen, did you, Sienna? And, knowing my brother, he wasn’t exactly the type who would have welcomed his wife turning up at one of his friends’ stag affairs.’

‘What are you saying?’ She was shaking her head, her eyes pained, her small features tense. ‘And why would she have told you about that anyway?’

His mouth tugged downwards at one corner. ‘Quite innocently, as I said. She happened to mention when I passed her in the hospital corridor earlier how you were supposed to be in Spain with her and Barry this week, and that something dreadful always seems to happen when you made plans to go away. I knew she was exaggerating, but she told me then about your trip to Copenhagen, and how it hadn’t happened because of Niall’s accident. I couldn’t help but put two and two together. Work out that you could only have put her off because you were planning to go to this Tim’s. Did you love him so much that you couldn’t miss out on the opportunity to be with him—even if it meant lying to your mother?’ He was
looking at her with a painful intensity that seemed to mirror the anguish in her own heart. ‘Are you still in love with him, Sienna?’

‘No!’ Her denial seemed futile now he had the facts. But why did it matter to him, she thought achingly, when he didn’t even love her?

‘Then why did you lie to her?’ he asked, and then more softly—so softly that it was almost a whisper, ‘To
me?
’

In an adjoining field a cow lowed—a lonely sound, almost desolate. As desolate as the fathomless emotion that seemed to be scoring his face.

He was disappointed in her; that was all. Because she had just destroyed all his trust in her that it had taken months—no, years, she thought, agonised—to actually gain.

‘I’m sorry.’ Conan’s voice was hoarse. ‘I had no right to ask.’ That desolate look about her told him all he needed—yet had dreaded—to know. She was still in love with the man she’d been prepared to wreck her marriage for.

The warmth of her almost broke his resolve to let her go as he placed his hand on her shoulder, and it took every ounce of the calibre he possessed to say, ‘Let’s get back to the car.’

Sienna turned to go with him, but drew away almost immediately, noticing the glance he gave her before continuing on ahead.

There was a weary slump to his broad shoulders, and his hands were stuffed in his pockets. She was the adulteress. The girl he had always believed she was. And he would walk away always believing the worst about her if she didn’t do something to stop him. And she
had
to stop him! Even if it meant going back on every resolution she’d made to protect him from knowing.

‘I lied because—’ She broke off before he turned round, the admission choking her. Or was it the ravaging anguish she could see on his face? ‘Because despite what you think there was no way Tim was ever going to see me with my clothes
off. But if I’d let Mum come over, as she was planning to, I knew she might.’

He was moving slowly back to her, his strong features contorted. What on earth was she getting at? He shook his head, bewildered, trying to fathom her out.

She was standing on the path, looking sightlessly towards the river. He could only see her profile, but he thought he had never seen her look more beautiful or more defeated, her lovely face blanched by some painful emotion he could almost feel.

She was small, courageous and proud. Above all else she had a fierce pride and independence he had seldom witnessed in anyone. He would even have said loyalty, if it hadn’t been for …

And then it hit him with the sudden weight of a demolition ball thudding into his chest. The way he had found her on that fateful morning. The demure black dress—long-sleeved, high necked—and black leggings hiding her lovely legs even though it had been sweltering outside. He’d thought it was an image she had been trying to cultivate—looking prim to hide her promiscuity. But then he remembered his mother, her face bright and unblemished, wearing those stiff concealing clothes, that same haunted look …

‘Niall …
hurt
you?’ Shock widened his eyes and Sienna watched his mouth contort with something like disgust and horror through a haze of regretful tears. ‘Oh, my love …’ Suddenly she was in his arms and he was clasping her to him as though he would protect her from anything that might threaten her. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ he rasped. ‘Before this? Years ago? Why didn’t you say something?
Why?
’

‘I couldn’t.’ The words spilled out on a note of aching remorse, and yet contrarily she felt a strange relief, too, now that he knew. ‘He never meant to do it—and he was always so sorry afterwards. He begged me not to tell anyone. More than anyone else,’ she murmured, sniffing back tears, ‘he didn’t want you finding out. I think he wanted to hang on to
what little respect he felt you had left for him, and I—I didn’t want you to have to face knowing something like that about your own brother.’

‘So you kept quiet to safeguard
my
feelings?’ Incredulity softened the strong angles of his features as he pulled her closer. ‘I would have lynched him,’ he growled against the dark pelt of her hair, amazing her with the depth of feeling in his voice. She was still trying to come to terms with the fact that she was in his arms, that he hadn’t walked away, that he was holding her and speaking to her as though he really cared. ‘How long?’ he demanded in a muffled voice, the question seemingly wrenched from his lungs. ‘How long had it been going on?’

‘I’m not sure. From just after Daisy was born. He couldn’t bear to share me with anyone. Not Mum and Dad. Not Tim. Not even with his own daughter. That last time it happened it was because he’d started shrieking at Daisy when she wanted my attention, and when I tried to defend her …’ She didn’t need to say any more.

Like father—like son, Conan thought, fuming, finding it inconceivable that she—and little Daisy—had suffered so much at the hands of someone she’d loved, and so bravely and silently too. He reproached himself now for the part he had played in compounding her misery, for misjudging her all these years.

‘The next day he went off on that stag do, and when Mum said she was coming over I just panicked,’ she admitted against the warm strength of his shoulder. ‘I didn’t want her to see me, or for Dad to know either. It would have upset them too much.’ And so she had run to Tim’s, not knowing where else to go. Too young still to know how to cope. ‘Nothing was visible, so I didn’t need to tell him anything except that Niall was away and I’d come up to London for a few days. I made him swear not to tell anyone I’d been to see him. He couldn’t understand why, but he went along with it. If he hadn’t my parents
would have asked questions, and Niall would have gone ballistic if he’d found out. But then he had that accident …’

And she could no more have betrayed his character than she could fly.

She didn’t need to say it, Conan thought, caressing her hair, and definitely added loyalty to her list of qualities.

‘I wanted Daisy to grow up only thinking the best about her father. Can you understand that?’ she queried, looking up at him.

His face, though grave, had less of a bleak look about it now as he nodded in response. ‘Can you ever forgive me?’ he breathed.

‘For what?’ she asked, as though all his accusations and suspicions about her meant nothing.

‘For not realising that I was in love with you,’ he admitted, recognising that she had just wiped the slate clean of those accusations and suspicions. ‘I think I have been for a long time, but I refused to accept what my feelings were trying to tell me because … well, you know why. Because I’d convinced myself I could never be a stepfather to Daisy and that I was doing the right thing in not allowing myself to get too close to either of you. But you were right in what you said that day at the villa. I
was
afraid. It took nearly losing her yesterday—or thinking I was going to lose her—to make me realise just how much I love her and what a complete idiot I’ve been. I want to take care of her, Sienna, and with you beside me I know I can be the loving father she needs and the one I want to be. I want to take care of you both. Of you all,’ he amended, wryly, making her look at him quickly. ‘Even that darn dog of yours,’ he clarified, because of course he didn’t know. ‘I love you, Sienna. Will you marry me?’ Desperately his eyes searched hers. ‘What is it?’ he enquired, frowning.

‘It isn’t just three of us. It’s four of us. I’m pregnant,’ she told him anxiously. ‘I don’t know how it could have happened—’ hadn’t they always used protection? ‘—but you’re
going to be a father—big-time. Do you think you can handle that?’

He looked incredulous, but pleasantly shocked, and then his lips began to curve in a way that made his face look lit from within.

‘With you and Daisy beside me I can handle anything,’ he vowed, placing a tender hand over the as yet unnoticeable little life that was growing inside her. ‘Especially such a precious gift as a little brother or sister for our daughter.’

‘Are you sure?’ she queried uncertainly, even though her heart was singing. She couldn’t believe that something so good could come out of something as awful as Daisy’s accident.

‘I’ve never been surer of anything in my life,’ he admitted deeply, smiling down at her, and then, understanding her fears, he said gently, ‘Don’t worry, darling. I know you had it rough. So did I. But you and I together are going to put things right. I love you, Sienna. I’m ashamed to say I think I fell in love with you from the moment I saw you standing beside Niall in that register office—though I would never allow myself to admit it. And then that night I danced with you …’ He shook his head sharply, as though to clear it of a burden he had carried for a very long time. ‘I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I wanted you that night.’

‘Is that why you scarcely said a word to me?’ she challenged breathlessly—almost mischievously. ‘And made me feel as though you were almost relieved when the dance was finished?’

‘Did I?’ He made a self-deprecating sound. ‘That couldn’t have been further from how I was feeling. And what about you, Sienna? How did
you
feel?’

A chilly wind rustled the turning leaves of a silver birch tree that was overhanging the path, penetrating her thin sweater. Discerningly, Conan placed the jacket he’d caught when it had slipped unnoticed off her shoulders earlier around her.

‘Scared. Excited. Confused.’ She could say it now. ‘But on
top of all that …’ She looked down at her hand, resting on the multi-striped fabric covering his chest, thinking of his values, his conduct, his consideration for others, and his tenderness that was as much a part of him as the hard steel of his body. Now, with eyes that were misty with emotion, she looked up at him and said candidly, ‘I felt so …
safe
with you.’

‘Oh, my love …’ he breathed for the second time, his mouth capturing hers in a kiss that fuelled her desire for him as much as she could feel it fuelling his. When he lifted his head, his eyes seemed to reflect the green-gold fields of an autumn sunset. But there was uncertainty in them too, as huskily he asked, ‘Do I take it that’s a yes?’