Back To Me (29 page)

40

Billy

              The drive back to the motel was as monotonous as it had been the last three weeks that I’d been here. Blake and I spent our days doing surveillance and reporting back to George. When that was done, I drove an hour out of town back to the place that was my home for the foreseeable future.

              I kicked the door open with the toe of my boot, tossing the key card on the small laminate dresser. I was ready for a hot, scalding shower and then a good night’s rest. Tomorrow would be another long day, and as predictable as all the others had been.

              I was becoming frustrated. So far we had footage of the women being traded. We had more than enough video of Tom and Raul meeting. We had enough of everything, but what we didn’t have was proof of any money changing hands. I’d been at this long enough to know that without that key piece of evidence, one a slick lawyer couldn’t explain away, there was no way to shut Raul down and take Tom out for good.

              I showered quickly, more than ready to jump into the oversized bed that was calling my name. Normally I hated to sleep alone, especially since I’d been reminded how it felt to have my angel curled up next to me. Her smell still invaded my senses every night. Even after all this time without her, it was as if we’d just made love; her scent was all over me. I’d know it anywhere.

              It had been so hard to resist picking up the phone and calling her. To tell her what I was really doing, and that I hadn’t meant a word I said that day in the hospital. That I was still so damn in love with her that I physically hurt.
I ached to hold her
. To whisper in her ear while my hands gently explored her incredible body. I had almost broken my phone more than once just to deter myself from dragging her back into this mess. She was safer with Luke and Lauren, and that had to be enough for now. Even if she hated me when all of this was said and done, at least she’d be alive, and she could go on with her life, finding happiness with someone else someday.

              I stretched out under the covers and punched the pillow into submission before laying my head down. The same as every night, I whispered aloud ‘
I love you, angel’.
I knew she couldn’t hear me, but I prayed she knew it in her heart. I felt so lost without her in my arms, but the hope that I might one day get the chance again kept me holding on; making me put one foot in front of the other day after day.

              Everything was beginning to take its toll; emotionally, physically and mentally I was drained. It wasn’t like the old days. Nope, I had absolutely no trouble falling asleep now. The nightmares, however, were a different story. Every time I closed my eyes it was the same thing. Raul getting his hands on Heather, literally. I watched as he choked the life out of her; her beautiful brown eyes staring into the nothingness because I was too late to save her. It seemed like no sooner than I’d fallen asleep I was bolting upright, panting for breath. Sweat poured off my brow as I reminded myself it was only a dream. That it wasn’t real. However, the reality was that it
could
happen. Raul was a monster capable of anything.

              I rolled to my side and flipped on the bedside lamp. I grabbed my notebook and pen from the small nightstand and began to write. Journaling wasn’t the manliest thing to do, but my therapist years ago said that it would help, and as much as I hated to admit it, she was right. No one would ever read it, but just getting it out of me released some of the built up anger and stress. I hadn’t done it for years, but I needed to do it now. Especially if something did happen to me, maybe this beat-up, spiral-bound booklet would find its way to my angel and she’d know once and for all that she was my world. My whole reason for breathing. Maybe, just maybe she could rationalize why I had done all of this crazy shit.

              I drug the pen hard across the page, indenting the blank pages behind it. I let out all the emotion that was causing me to bleed from the inside out.

            
 
Angel,

              I’ve laid in this bed for weeks now, surrounded by nothing but the absence of you. It’s killing me slowly. All I want is for this to be over, and have you wrapped safely in my arms once again. That may or may not ever happen, and I’m learning to come to terms with it all.

              I’ve watched Raul sell women: battered and bruised women, each of them so strung out on drugs that they are unaware of what’s happening to them. I’ve watched Blake grieve for a woman I don’t think he’ll ever be able to save, though I’ll never tell him that. I know what it’s like to lose you and there’s no other punishment in this world that can compare to not being with the one you love.

              I’ve watched Tom, my old boss, make deals and shake hands with the devil. I’ve watched years and years of work go down the drain because none of us were smart enough to figure all of this out before now.

              There’s something you should know, angel. I don’t want to be the one to tell you, but I think you should hear it from me anyways. I’m so glad you’re reading this and I’m not having to tell you face to face because I wouldn’t be able to do it. I’m not strong enough to break your heart all over again. I wouldn’t be able to look into your beautiful eyes and hurt you with what I’m about to say. Please know, angel, that I haven’t known for very long myself. Matter of fact, I only found out right before I left. Tom is your father, angel. He’s the one that left you when you were just a little girl. The one that betrayed you and me, all for a quick buck. The one that turned his back on the brotherhood that the rest of us hold dear and true, not because it’s the code, but because we all know going into the hell that is disguised as the FBI, outsiders will never understand. But that’s not true of everyone. You always understood, angel. Always. And I hope now you can find it in yourself to understand why I did what I did. Why I left.

              It killed me then and it’s killing me now. Every day… every single second without you makes me want to give up. This life isn’t worth living if you’re not here with me. But you are with me. In my heart and on my mind. You fill every corner; every nook and cranny. Please, if you remember nothing else, remember how much I love you. Remember how my skin felt against yours. The way my fingertips brushed the hair away from your face, and the way you fit perfectly into my arms. They were made for you, angel. You and only you. I love you forever, baby. No matter what.

              Always,

              Billy

              I took a deep breath and closed the cover. I sat it gently on the nightstand, afraid it would fall to pieces like me. I laid back, crossing my hands behind my head and stared at the stark-white ceiling. The clock said it was seven in the morning. I had a few hours left before meeting up with Blake again, but I knew there was no sleeping now.

              I couldn’t concentrate on anything but her… my angel. I wondered what she was doing right now. Who was she with? Was she smiling, or crying silently into her pillow? The thoughts pulled at my heart, tugging it from each side and stretching it until I thought it would tear in half.

              Through my frustration, I threw the covers off my legs. I needed to run. I needed to get out of here and clear my head. Running always accomplished that. My feet pounding the pavement; beating out a steady rhythm until my brain synced right along with the thud of my shoes. I opened the door, remembering to grab my phone and key card at the last minute, just before the door shut. I popped in my earbuds and shoved my phone in the elastic of my shorts, pulled my hood up over my head, stretched just enough to get by, and then took off. I had no idea where I was going and I didn’t care. I just needed to go. I couldn’t outrun Heather, or the memories that plagued me, but I’ll be damned if I couldn’t forget for just a little while.

41

Heather

              “Where are we going?” I whined as Lauren took curve after curve at an alarming speed. “Are we late for something?”

              Lauren smiled and continued humming along to the radio, as if I’d said nothing. I let out a sigh of frustration.

              “Are you going to tell me anything?!” I griped again. Still…. Nothing.

              I crossed my arms across my chest and puffed up bigger than a blow fish. I was getting angrier by the second. I wanted to be home, well,
Lauren’s house
, and be alone in my room; free to sulk and cry and be the only one in attendance at my pity party. I’d been doing it for weeks and I’d gotten pretty damn good at it. I was acting like a spoiled brat; even little Sam hadn’t acted out so ugly, but what did she expect. This was no different than being kidnapped! Well…. If you didn’t count the fact that I came willingly and I wasn’t handcuffed, or tied up to something.

              Lauren finally spoke up. “Ya know, you can pout all you want. I’m still not gonna tell ya. You do realize I play this little game with Sam every day,
all day
. I promise I can outlast you any day of the week.”

              I cut my eyes in her direction. “Fine!” I said, exasperated.

              “That’s better,” she replied, reaching over and patting my leg. Lauren cranked the radio and pushed the pedal further down as I held on for dear life, praying wherever we were going, we’d get there in one piece. I squeezed my eyes shut and my mouth, too.

              Before long, I heard Lauren’s shrill excitement burst from her lips. “We’re here!” she exclaimed, loudly.

              “Where?” I questioned. All I saw was a gravel lot with what looked to be an empty brick building.

              “C’mon,” she waved, “I’ll show you!” Lauren seemed excited as she bounded out of the car.

              I followed suit, checking our surroundings. She knew the area better than I did, but this certainly didn’t look like a place we should be.

              Lauren walked to the front door of the abandoned facility and pulled a key from her pocket. Putting it in the lock, she turned it with ease and opened it successfully. Reaching around and turning on the light, she looked expectantly at me. Her bright green eyes were wide with excitement.

              I looked around, taking notice of a small office area. Everything else was open and bare. The walls were a pale blue and layers of dust covered the windows.

              “It looks….” I couldn’t find the right words and I certainly didn’t want to dampen her mood.

              “It looks like shit,” she cut in. “But, we can spruce it up and make it really nice. I’m thinking about fresh paint and ripping up this horrible carpet. Maybe putting in hardwood, or laminate to brighten it up.”

              I walked further into the spacious room. “What’s it all for?” I implored.

              Lauren pulled two metal folding chairs out from behind an old desk and motioned for me to sit.

              “Before I met Luke,” she started with tears in her eyes, “I was married to a horrible man. I mean, Mark was truly awful. He beat me…..every day for years. He treated me as if I was nothing, taking every opportunity to tell me how worthless I was. At the time I thought I deserved his cruel words and harsh blows, so I stayed. I thought if I changed he would, too. That never happened, of course.”

              Lauren stood and paced, wiping away a tear that I was sure she hoped I hadn’t noticed.

              “It was the last night I was with him…..” Lauren told me the horrible story of losing her own baby. How her husband had stolen that from her, and my heart ached. By this point I had tears of my own, but it was useless to try and stop them. Lauren and I had bonded because of Billy, but nothing would ever bring us closer than the pain of losing a child.

              I waited until she was through before going to her. I hugged her tightly, holding on with all I had. In true Lauren fashion, she held me too, taking all my grief as I took hers. We were connected in a way most people couldn’t understand.

              She continued telling me the gruesome details about Mark.

              “Then I found Luke. He saved me,” she spoke softly. Her eyes gazed away from me as she was lost deep in thought. “The first night I came into town, there he was. My knight-in-shining-armor.”

              “And then what?” I asked, impatiently.

              “Well, then Billy got involved. He had contacts with his background and he helped locate Mark. We found out more information than we bargained for.”

              “What do you mean?”

              “Mark killed my parents,” she said, ruefully. “It haunts me to this day.”

              “Oh, my gosh!” I yelled. “Lauren! I’m so sorry!” There weren’t enough sorrys to go around. There was nothing as devastating as losing a baby, but this was a close second…
a very close second
.

              Lauren acknowledged me and gave a courteous nod. “Yeah. For years I lived thinking it was just an accident, but Billy found out that it was anything but. Mark ran their car off the road. If there’s anything to consider a blessing, it’s that my parents went quickly. They didn’t suffer.”

              I had no words. Nothing I could say would ever make up for what she lost, or how.

              “So how does this place fit into your story?” I quizzed, trying to move the conversation to a happier place.

              “Well, what I haven’t told you is that my parents were well off.
Very
well off,” she amended. “Mark was into drugs, and apparently he wanted control over the money I would inherit so he killed them.
When he died I thought it was all gone. Every dime. But, fortunately, some of my parent’s funds had been invested in a long-term account and he wasn’t able to get to them. And of course our home and contents were sold and all the assets were liquidated. When the estate was settled I received a pretty hefty check and decided to invest it in this place.” Lauren held her hands out and gestured around.

              “That’s great! Good for you!” I cheered. “But, I guess I still don’t understand what
this
is.”

              “Well,” Lauren began, “I wanted to do something positive, and ya know, something that my parents would have been proud of. What better way than to open a shelter for battered women. A safe place where they know they aren’t alone. And,” she continued, “I figure some of these women might have children. You’re a school teacher, right?”

              I admitted, ashamedly, that no, I was
not
a teacher because I never finished my courses.

              “Well, you can still work with the kids, right? I mean, you’re smart and you’d really be helping me out.”

              I smiled at the thought of working with kids. It was my life’s dream. “Okay!” I shouted, excitedly. “I’ll do it!”

              Lauren and I jumped up and down, screaming like girls who had just been asked out on their first date.

              “Oh, Heather! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Lauren erupted. “This will be so much fun working together! Plus, we’ll be helping so many people. It will be amazing!”

              I agreed wholeheartedly. “Well, what do we need to do first?” I asked.

              “First, we gotta get this place cleaned up. A little scrubbing and then we can move on to painting and decorating.” The excitement in her eyes was evident, and I knew this would be more rewarding than any job I’d
ever
have.

              Lauren and I decided to dig in right away. Rolling up our sleeves, we got all the cleaning supplies from the back of the car that she’d just so happened to store back there. I knew it was no coincidence.

              We cranked up an old radio and set about cleaning, making sure every speck of dust and cob web was no longer a part of the décor. It was a challenge, but we were up to the task. By the time we finished for the day, the place already looked a million times better. Being tired didn’t curb our conversation as we left to go home.

              “I have a paint chart at the house,” Lauren informed. “We’ll go through it and decide on a color scheme.”

              “Oh, no!” I expressed. “This is your baby. You pick out the colors.”

              “No.”

              “Excuse me?” I argued.

              “This is
our
baby,” Lauren stressed. “We’re in this together, and I want your help. I want you to be as involved as you want to be.”

              “You’re sure?”

              “Absolutely!” she countered.

              I smiled, politely.  “Lauren, I’m so touched that you shared your story with me today. I’m ecstatic that you asked me to help and be a part of such a wonderful thing. Thank you.” I sincerely meant every word.

              “You’re welcome, sweetie. Glad to have ya on board!”

              “What about Rose and Hallie?”

              “There gonna help out, too! Rose is so excited. You know she went through the same thing?”

              “No!” I cried. “Not sweet Rose.”

              “Yep,” Lauren confirmed. “Luke’s dad was a mean son of a gun. He beat her the same way Mark did me. Rose is going to be a big help counseling the women because she is so compassionate and wise.  She’s been a huge support to me.”

              “That’s amazing,” I whooped.

              “I know,” Lauren agreed. “And Hallie’s gonna help with all kinds of things. She’s an amazing cook, so she’s going to help prepare food and snacks for the little ones. Plus, she’ll help do anything else that needs doing.”

              Tears sprang to my eyes as I thought of my life and how hopeless it seemed mere weeks ago. Now here I was, making new and everlasting friendships. I was surrounded by strong women who had been through horrific ordeals, but had overcome them. It had been an amazing journey so far, and I couldn’t wait to see what unfolded next.

              “Thank you for including me,” I confided. “You didn’t have to take me in, much less make me feel like I belonged…”

              “You do belong, sweetie. You’re with Billy….” Lauren threw her hand over her mouth, realizing immediately what she’d said.

              “It’s alright, Lauren. Promise,” I assured her. “I am with Billy, he just doesn’t know it yet.”

              “You mean?” she asked, hopeful.

              “Yes,” I answered. “I’m not going anywhere. I bailed on him once. I swore if I ever got another chance I’d never leave him again.”

              Lauren looked dumbfounded.

              “I know what he said to me before he left. I also know that his left eye twitched as he lied to my face. I know his palms were sweaty with worry that I’d never forgive him.”

              “But you’ve been so upset,” she contested. “I’ve heard you, in your room crying every night.”

              “Yes.”

              “And I’ve seen the look on your face when he calls, and doesn’t ask to speak to you.”

              “Yes,” I admitted.

              “So?” Lauren quizzed.

              “So, I’ve had time to think about it. I love him, and I know he loves me. The crying is because I miss him so much.”

              “Well, duh!” Lauren bellowed.

              “Life’s too short to wake up with regrets, though I have plenty. Billy and I both do, but I’ve come to realize that he’s always going to be my forever.” I shrugged. It was just that simple. I loved him so fiercely that it defied my own logic and surpassed all understanding.

              Lauren had tears in her eyes when I glanced back over. “I’m sorry that I’ve been so hush about everything. I swore to him that I wouldn’t say anything.”

              “I know you did,” I followed, “and I don’t want you to break that promise.”

              “You don’t want to know where he is?” she questioned.

              “I know where he is,” I admitted. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that he’s trying to take down Raul. What I
don’t
know is what happened to scare him so badly that he just took off.”

              Lauren chewed her lip and squirmed in the seat. “Heather, it’s complicated.”

              “I understand, Lauren. It’s okay. You’ve known Billy a lot longer than me.”

              “That has
nothing
to do with it!” she argued. “It’s because he’s protecting you. We’re
all
trying to protect you!”

              “Well, I didn’t ask for anyone to put themselves out,” I chided.

              I was instantly sorry for speaking the way I had. Lauren had done nothing but take me under her wing and presented me with an amazing opportunity…one that I’d probably just blown.