Backfire (10 page)

Michael wasn’t sure if it was okay to interrupt, but he did anyway.  “Well of course, Casey.  Realizing that dad’s death is a problem isn’t rocket science.”

“Boys, I’m not in the least bit offended when you say things would’ve been different with your dad.  I know that.  Every human being knows they need a father figure around.  I couldn’t control either of you.  Your dad would have never stood for a lot of the stuff you did.”

Todd broke in, waving his hand to get their attention.  Michael looked over at Eva who sat back, knowing she probably had to feel very uncomfortable with all of this.  “Ms. McGinnis, when you talk about things your boys did, can you be specific? Let them know exactly what it was.”

She adjusted the purse in her lap and took in a deep breath, looking as if she’d be more comfortable jumping out the window than rambling on about the past. “Mikey started most of the trouble, and son, that is nothing against you.  You were the oldest.  You’d sneak out at all hours of the night and bring home fast tailed girls.  There were times I didn’t see you for days.  You started drinking when you were fifteen.  I really thought you weren’t going to finish high school, and it’s nothing short of a miracle that you actually did get your diploma.”

Michael felt his eyes burn.  He was well aware of the trouble he was back then, but actually seeing his mother speak about it broke his heart.  If only he could go back and redo it all, he would’ve never even taken a drink of the alcohol or allowed himself to go crazy.  Her green eyes were like daggers through him.

“And Casey, you followed your brother. You did everything he did.  Whether Mikey realized it or not, he stepped into the father role.  It was like a carbon copy and I had to live through all of the pain twice.” She paused and wiped away a tear with a tissue.  “The only difference in you two is that Michael finally got cleaned up. When he came home one day and told me he was joining the New York fire academy, I was thrilled and scared all at the same time.  Joining such an elite program meant he was serious about turning his life around.  But doing that line of work meant he was going to be in the line of danger every day. All I could think about was you ending up like your father.  Dying young.  It was definitely bittersweet. That was the one instance that Casey didn’t follow you.”

Michael
shifted his weight in his chair and was
at a loss for words.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, scared to look back up at everyone. 

“What are you sorry for, Michael?” Todd asked.

He stared right at his mother.  “For going crazy after dad died.  For disappearing for days, for drinking, for bringing strangers into the house, for all of it.  I honestly had no idea what was going on.” Anger boiled inside of him, and he instantly felt like he had to plead his side.  “I do feel I need to mention this though.  Where were you?  Why didn’t you stop me?  Why didn’t you pull me aside and say hey Mikey, you are out of control? A little guidance might’ve been the key factor, don’t you think?”

She swallowed hard, almost as if it were a bitter pill. “Yes, I think it would’ve.  I don’t want to hand out excuses, but I was so lost.  I didn’t know what to do.  Your father was always the one who disciplined you boys.  Once he was gone, I just couldn’t do it.”

Michael folded his arms over his chest and leaned back in the chair.  “Sounds like we all have the same excuse.”

“And what excuse is that?” Suddenly Todd was becoming annoying to Michael.  His questions that were intended to lead them made him feel like they were in pre
-
school.

“That we were lost.  All three of us.”  He looked over at Eva, wishing he could reach out and hold her hand.  She was strong for staying in the room.  Most women who even heard a small preview of his past were out the door and long gone.  “I remember looking up to dad.  It’s one of my first memories.” His voice cracked and he tried to control his emotions.  “He was my idol.  I’d walk around in his turnouts despite the fact that they were ten times bigger than me.  I’d make excuses as to why I walked all of those blocks down to the firehouse just to sit in the truck and pretend like I was going to fires.  He is who I followed.” Pointing his finger into his chest, he was surprised at how much he was opening up.  He had no intention of talking so much.  “Once he was gone, I had no one to follow.  I had no one to look up to.  Casey had me and I should’ve had you, Ma.  My hero was gone.  The way I saw it, the only way to go was down.”

She bit her bottom lip.  “I’m sorry to hear that, Mikey.”

“The important thing is that we all pulled through, even though it took as long as it did.  We’re all gonna be okay,” Casey finally chimed in.  “Whether you want to believe it or not, Mikey, you’ve been a great big brother.  Sure, our teenage years were a massive deto
ur, but doesn’t everyone’s life
derail at one point or another?”

Michael was shocked at what Casey had to say.  He felt as if he had talked enough, so he allowed Casey to fill in the silence.

“I’m sorry it has taken me so long to finally hit rock bottom.  But here we are.  Mikey, you say that after dad died, the only way you could go was down.  Well now, the only way all of us can go is up.  There’s no other option. I’m shocked that you are still by my side after everything.  The fact that you almost died for me speaks so much louder than words. And yet here you are, here in Texas, sitting through this session when I know you’d rather walk barefoot across broken glass.  I couldn’t ask for a better family.”

Their mom stood up and pulled Casey in for a tight hug, her body shuddering as tears flowed down her cheeks. “I love you Casey. I’m so proud of you.”

“I think it’s best we end this session right here.  We covered a lot.  We’ll meet again before the week is out.” Todd grabbed his clipboard.  “Thanks for the cooperation.”

Michael stared down at the floor, unsure of the emotions he was experiencing.  On one hand, he felt good to finally just let it all air out, but at the same time he was so ashamed about everything. He felt vulnerable for opening up so easy.  

On the way back to their room, he clenched on to Eva’s hand so tight that he was certain he was probably hurting her.  He lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Eva rested her head on his chest. He wished they didn’t have to go back out there for supper and evening events.  He just wanted some time alone after all of that.

“You know how people say they have no regrets in life?  That if they got the chance to go back and change one thing, they wouldn’t?”

Eva lifted her he
ad and faced him.  “Yeah, of course
.”

“They’re so full of shit.  I’d do it in a heart beat.”

Chapter Seven

Michael noticed the next day that there was some free time in the schedule.  He couldn’t help but dread and wonder when they would have to meet up with Todd again for another session.  It had emotionally drained him and he really didn’t think he could sit through something like that again.  He had to remember that he was doing it for Casey, but it was bringing up things that made him want to drink.

A knock on their door pulled him from his thoughts and Eva answered it.  Casey walked in and to Michael’s surprise, was smiling.  He was almost certain his mom and his brother wouldn’t want to talk to him after yesterday.

             
“Hey Mikey, we’ve got a few hours and they’re letting me leave for awhile.  You wanna go grab something to eat in downtown Austin?  Maybe see the capitol or something?”

“What does mom want to do? She should be the one to decide.” 

“She said it was up to us.”

Michael got up from the bed and smoothed his hair over.  He put on a baseball cap and nudged Eva.  “What do you wanna do?”

She bit her bottom lip as she thought.  “Let’s go eat and explore.  I didn’t come all the way down here to Texas to not see the capitol.  Besides, I think we could all use a break from all of this mental health stuff anyway.”

***

They ate at a small diner called Little Woodrow’s on Sixth Street.  The food was pretty decent and it was a whole different atmosphere than being in New York.  It was great how they all were getting along, despite the fact that they all pretty much went right for the gut with each other yesterday during therapy.  It proved to Michael that they were finally getting somewhere, and even though it took several years, it was better late than never.

They explored the rest of Sixth Street, which wasn’t really a good idea for Michael. There were bars and nightclubs everywhere, and he was glad when they made their way to the capitol building.  It stood tall, and Casey made sure to emphasize that it was even taller than the nation’s capitol building.  Michael had to admit that it was breathtaking, and the tour inside was informative and interesting.  He now understood why people came to Texas and never wanted to leave.  It was rich in history that Michael didn’t know much about and so far, the people seemed more laid back than anyone up in New York. 

“Boys, I’m getting a little tired. I think I want to go back to the facility and catch a nap.”  After they took their mom back they still had some time to kill.  Casey stayed as well, hoping to catch up on some gym time.  Michael really didn’t feel like sitting around, so he and Eva borrowed a counselor car and went exploring.

“Where you taking me, Mikey?”  Eva looked out the side window, her face bright with excitement as if she were a little kid getting rewarded for good behavior. 

Michael had studied an Austin area map before leaving.  “A GPS sure would be handy right now, but I don’t know.  I figured we’d just drive around and look.  I kinda wanna visit some of the firehouses around here.  I don’t know too much about the volunteer side of it and it would be nice to look at it from that perspective.”

Eva nodded.  “Sounds good.”

“You okay with doing that? I know Casey and Ma wouldn’t have wanted to be dragged along.  If you don’t want to, we won’t.”

“It’s fine.  It could be neat to see how they handle the medic side to it all too.”

“I was going to drive down to Bastrop and look, but they are forcing mandatory evacuations so I doubt we’ll even be able to get there.”  He read different signs on the road, remembering he needed to take highway two ninety eastbound.  From what he could recall, it was almost a straight and direct route to the fire department he had looked in to.  “I think we’re gonna visit Manor Volunteer Fire Department. It’s over here on the east side of Austin and I think I heard that they are helping aid in the fires, so I’m not even sure if anyone is going to be there.”

“You’re the pilot. I’m just along for the ride,” Eva replied, still watching out the window as if she had never seen trees before. 

Manor, Texas was a small suburb of Austin and it felt almost unreal that it was even considered a town.  He had no trouble in finding the firehouse. There were several cars parked out front, but the garage doors were open and both rigs were gone.  His hope in someone being there fell flat.  He put the car in park and contemplated on even going in.  He was hesitant when Casey had mentioned talking to them, and now here he was. 

“Well, what are you waiting for?”

Michael looked at Eva.  “They’re gonna think I’m crazy.”

She shook her head no.  “People come visit Ladder Twenty One all the time.  We don’t think those people are crazy.”

“No, but it’s because of nine eleven. It’s like a tourist thing to do in New York. These guys down here probably aren’t used to it.”

Eva smiled and undid her seatbelt.  “Which makes me think that they’ll appreciate it even more.”

“Here’s hoping.” He got out of the car, Eva at his side, and knocked on the door before entering. It wasn’t like the firehouses that he was used to, where the garage doors were open and one of the men sat at the front, making sure no one snuck in or rummaged through the equipment.  Here, it was like an office building with a huge garage tacked on the side f
or the trucks.  It was not
as fancy, and he could instantly tell that funding for these types of departments were minimal. 

There were two men inside, each of them looked to have just got done fighting fire. They had soot caked on their faces and they were hanging up bunker gear.  “Can I help you with something?” One of them asked, but greeted them with a smile. 

Michael extended his hand and said, “I’m Michael McGinnis.  This is my girlfriend, Eva Crisante.  I’m a firefighter with FDNY and she’s a paramedic.  We’re down here visiting family and wanted to come pay a visit. I hope we’re not imposing.”

The man laughed and gripped Michael’s hand tightly.  “No, of course not! Most of the guys aren’t here, though.  I’m sure you’ve heard of our wonderful wildfire outbreaks this summer.”

“Yeah, man.  It’s a shame they’re cutting funding and everything.  I honestly didn’t think it was as bad as it is.”

The man cleaned his face with a towel.  “Yeah, it’s the damn drought.  It’s really testing what we can all do.”  He pointed to his friend. “That’s Jeff Lynch and I’m Lieutenant Harlan.  You say you two are with FDNY?”

“Yes sir.  Being this
close to the fires really piqued
my curiosity.”

“We don’t get too many visitors coming in here.  It’s nice, especially if they are from somewhere as far away as New York.  Bet you aren’t used to seeing such wide open spaces.”