Barbarian's Mate (3 page)

If she will not let me touch her, my hand will have to do for now. Yet even as I pull my cock free and take it in my grip, I know it will not be enough.

It is never enough.

I
sleep
in Chompy’s cave that night. It’s not that I wouldn’t be welcome back in my own cave, but Tiff and Salukh are probably having a throw-down to end all throw-downs and I don’t want to listen to it. Not tonight, not when my body’s freshly aching and full of need from my own resonance. I could stay at someone else’s cave, too, but that would involve questions I don’t want to answer. I hug the furry dvisti close and let it lick the salty tears off my cheeks.

Tonight, I’ll let myself cry. Tomorrow is a new day.

When I wake up the next morning, I’m a little disoriented. The smell of fresh dvisti poop far too close nearby reminds me of where I spent the night, and I crawl out from under the borrowed fur blanket and stretch. My entire body feels feverish, and when I press my thighs together, my pussy feels wet. Well, isn’t that just ducky. I suck it up, because I’m done crying over my lot. I’ll figure something out. Somehow.

The rest of the cave is busy, and I can hear the sounds of people rushing around. I fold up the blanket and open the pen so I can get out. Chompy pushes his way past my legs and bounce-trots away, likely to find his favorite person, Farli. The thing’s more loyal - and more smelly - than a dog. Cute, though. It’s hard to be sad watching his fuzzy butt bound away, and my mood lightens a little.

“Where’s Josie?” I hear Tiffany ask. “Is she packing?”

I emerge into the main cave and there’s a flurry of people cramming stuff into baskets, packing sleds, and adjusting backpacks. Looks like I slept late. Today, we’re taking the hike back to the main cave and reuniting with the rest of the tribe. I should be excited. I can’t wait to hold all the babies and talk with all my friends again, but my mind is on other things.

Against my better judgment, I glance around the cave, looking for a familiar pair of horns, dark blue skin, and a surly attitude. I don’t see him anywhere, though, and I feel a pang of disappointment, though I’m pretty sure that’s just my cootie reminding me of what it wants.

“There you are,” Tiffany says, and hurries over to me with a backpack and my fur wraps. Hers is already strapped to her back and she’s wearing her traveling furs. “Come on. We’re not dragging sleds so we need to hurry up and move ahead with the hunters. They’re waiting on us.”

“Aren’t you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed,” I tease her as she hands me my fur wraps and helps me into them. “Here I thought you’d be yawning this morning.”

Tiffany giggles.
Giggles
. Oh my God. Practical, can-do Tiffany is giggling like a schoolgirl at my teasing. “Where did you sleep?” she asks.

“Oh, I just found a quiet spot in the back and curled up,” I tell her. “Didn’t want to bother anyone.”

“Silly. You know you could have come back to the cave.”

And listened to sex noises all night as they tried (and failed) at being quiet? Gosh, no thanks. Especially not with my own cootie being all hormonal. “Didn’t seem like a good idea.”

She helps me tie the strap of my backpack under my breasts and then pauses. “You’re…okay with this, aren’t you, Jo?” Her cootie-blue eyes, so brilliant in her pretty brown face, look at me imploringly. “I don’t want anything to come between us as friends.”

My poor heart nearly breaks all over again. “Don’t be silly, Tiff. I love you, and I’m happy for you and Salukh. You’re going to have a family and you have a mate that loves you. How can I not be beside myself with joy?”

“Because it’s been just us for a while, and now I feel like I’m leaving you behind.” She gives me a crooked little smile. “You know you can live with us in the new cave, right? I’m sure Salukh won’t mind.”

“Don’t worry about me,” I tell her brightly. “Something will shake itself out.” And again, I resist the urge to look around for Haeden. Living with him would be a nightmare, I tell myself, even as I squeeze my stupid thighs tightly together. He’s grumpiness personified.

Tiffany casts me another worried look, so I hug her. She doesn’t need to worry about me. She’s got enough on her plate. I squeeze her hand and then pull her toward the front of the cave. “Let’s find our snowshoes and get going. I can’t wait to see everyone at the other cave again.”

She laughs but allows me to tug her along. “You just saw them a few days ago, silly.”

“Yes, but they’ve got babies, and babies seem to grow up overnight.” Plus, I’ve totally got babies on the brain. Always have. I love their sweet scent, the way they clutch at you like you’re the most important thing in the world, the trust in their eyes. I’ve wanted a baby of my own so badly, because I want to do right by my child. I want it to grow up in a world of love where parents never disappear, people only touch you with kindness, and there’s nothing but joy and welcome and love at home.

I want my child to have what I never had.

And I don’t know if my child will get that if Haeden is the father. I don’t know if I can be mated to him without losing it. He’s everything I’ve never wanted. I thought my cootie would pick a mate that would be kind, and gentle, and caring. Instead, I get the sa-khui Oscar the Grouch, minus the garbage can.

As if my thoughts have summoned him, we head to the front of the cave and Haeden is there, waiting next to Salukh. His gaze immediately goes to me and he drops the snowshoes he was holding and storms away into the snow.

For some reason, I feel a pang of regret. I mean, I also feel a pang of lust deep between my thighs (thanks, cootie) and my chest starts to thrum quietly with resonance, but I also feel…sad.

Tiffany brightens at the sight of Salukh and practically skips over to him, despite the heavy pack on her back. I follow after her, picking up the discarded snowshoes that Haeden has abandoned. They’re mine.

He was waiting for me.

I don’t know how that makes me feel.

I move next to Tiffany and sit down on a rock beside her so we can put on our snowshoes. There’s several others waiting at the front of the cave, and behind us I can hear Kira talking with Aehako, the baby crying. Farli’s back there too, chattering up a storm, and ahead are Taushen, Hassen, and if I peer out hard into the gray day, I can barely make out Haeden’s retreating back.

“Is Haeden leaving?” I ask.

“Mmm,” Salukh says, nodding. He kneels down and begins to strap Tiffany’s snowshoes to her boot for her, like the sweetheart that he is. “He says he is not in the mood for company and will scout ahead.”

“Oh.” My cootie doesn’t like this and gives a disappointed little purr, just as Salukh breaks one of Tiffany’s leather shoe straps. He gets up and walks away to get a new one, and as he does, thankfully, my cootie gets over the fact that Haeden’s not here and shuts up.

Tiffany peers around. “What was that noise?”

Uh oh. “What was what?” I rub my stomach. I’m going to have to pretend indigestion unless I want to be found out. I’m not ready to see Tiffany’s sympathetic expression when she realizes I’ve resonated to
Haeden
of all people.

“I thought I heard…resonance.” Her brows draw together and she glances around the cave entrance and then looks at me. “Was it you?”

“Girl, please.” I force out a laugh. “You sure it wasn’t your man nearby?” I gesture at Salukh, who has his back turned to us. His tail is flicking and I see her gaze go to his butt. I can’t blame her. He’s got a fine butt. “His cootie might not be satisfied after last night.”

Tiffany ducks her head and gives another girlish giggle, and I can hear her own resonance begin in her chest. Jealousy gnaws through me. I’m happy for her. I really am. I’m just sad that I’m so miserable. I rub my own chest thoughtfully.

Salukh returns a moment later, and immediately Tiffany starts humming like a cat in heat. She giggles again, and Salukh’s chest takes up the song.

And me? Me, I want to barf. They’re so giggly-giddy with happiness that it’s driving me crazy. I hate that. I want to be happy for her. I really do. But I’m lost in my own thoughts and none of them are excited about the prospect of waking up next to Haeden for the rest of my life.

I…just don’t know what to do.

O
ur secret resonance
? The dirty secret I don’t want to tell anyone about?

It lasts until all of midday.

The walk to the main tribal caves is a half a day by most hunters’ standards. But humans have to walk with snowshoes, which makes us slow. Add in backpacks and the sleds full of goods behind us that are being dragged along by the men while the women and elderly walk beside?

We are a slow-moving, wide-spread group. Tiff and I hang out somewhere toward the front, walking next to Salukh and Taushen. Taushen, bless his heart, is chatting up a storm as we walk, and doesn’t even seem to mind that Tiffany’s holding hands with Salukh. He seems to be in a good mood and I hope it’s because he’s just naturally a cheery person and he’s not pinning his hopes on me…because that would be awkward.

Haeden remains far ahead, a blue and leather blur on the horizon. I’m glad he’s staying away so my cootie remains silent.

After a few hours of walking, the twin suns are high in the sky, casting their weak light over the snowy ground, and the chilly air becomes a little too warm. We take a break in the shade of an icy cliff, and Kira comes to sit next to me and Tiffany. I take her fat baby from her arms to give her a break, and spend the next while cuddling and kissing her sweet, round face. Kira looks more tired than Tiffany and I, and I’m sure it’s because of the baby. Kae’s a pudgy little thing, fat and healthy at two months old, and wriggles constantly. Kira has no backpack but she looks wiped.

“You want me to carry this little inchworm for the next bit?” I ask Kira, pressing a kiss to Kae’s cheek. The baby’s a pale, pale blue but has almost completely human features except for the soft, downy covering on her skin that the sa-khui have. She grabs my nose and gives a delighted baby giggle, as if it’s the most fascinating thing ever.

“Would you mind?” Kira sounds wiped. “She gets heavy, and the snowshoes aren’t helping.”

“Of course I don’t mind. I’ll hand her back if she gets to be too much,” I promise, knowing I’ll do no such thing. This baby is all joy and bright smiles and I want to hold her forever. I kiss her tiny little nose, not even caring a bit that she grabs my face again and digs little nails into my lip. Everything she does is cute.

“Don’t look now, but here comes Grumpy,” Tiffany murmurs. “I’m sure he’s coming back to yell at us.”

I hold Kae a little tighter and avoid looking up, even as I hear snow crunching with approaching feet.

“Why are we stopping?” Haeden asks, his tone surly. “The sooner we get to the cave, the sooner the females can rest. It is not safe out in the open.”

“They are tired now,” Salukh says, his voice reasonable. He doesn’t get up from his spot next to Tiffany. “Let them rest for a few minutes. There is plenty of day left to walk.”

Haeden snorts with derision.

My stupid cootie chooses that moment to start purring. Loud. Like, super loud. Like it’s turned on by Haeden’s grumpiness.

Aw, crap.

I hunch over the baby for a moment, hoping no one will notice.

“Josie?” Tiffany whispers.

I guess it’s too late to fake indigestion again. I sit up and look over at Haeden. He doesn’t look a bit tired, all big, muscular arms and irritation. I scowl at him. “Really? You couldn’t wait like, ten minutes for us to keep on going? You had to come back and set me off?”

“Me? You are blaming me for this?” The look on his face is both irritated and incredulous.

“Josie?” Kira asks. “Don’t…wait. You guys resonated?”

“Not by choice,” I say, angry. Haeden came back on purpose to force my hand, didn’t he? “And we’re not doing a damn thing about it. I’m not his mate and he’s not mine.”

“Oh my God,” Tiffany breathes. “What are you going to do?”

Pray for a miracle? Hope a rock falls on him? Something? I look up and his gaze is burning into me. My nipples prick and I feel my thighs quiver, and I bite back a groan. I’d say I’m not going to do anything…but I don’t think my cootie is going to allow it.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly, and hold the baby closer.

The group is somber as we trudge through the snow. No one seems to know what to say to me, and Jo-see is pretending I do not exist. The mood changes as we crest one of the last hills between the tribal cave and our location, and Rokan jogs forward. “Ho!”

I nod at him and give him a half-armed embrace of greeting. “My friend. It is good to see you.”

He nods and scans the line of people straggling distantly behind me. “I am glad you have returned. All of you. Especially the females.” He gives me a wicked grin. “It is lonely in a cave full of mates and babies, and you at the South cave keeping all the young females to yourselves.”

It takes all of my power not to shove him down into the snow. I am shocked at the surge of jealousy that powers through me. He does not know of what he speaks. “They are no longer unmated,” I growl at him, and then I storm past. I ignore the confused question he sends my way and head on to the caves. Let the others answer him. I am in no mood.

I continue on until I am in the caves. There are no family members to greet me. There are many friends, but my mother and my father and my brothers died in the khui-sickness of many years ago. I am alone.

Vektal approaches me, smile wide. “I am glad to have all of my tribe home,” he says, glancing behind me. “Are the others close behind?”

“Close,” I agree, terse. “Which cave is to be mine?”

“The hunters—“

“I will not be staying with the hunters,” I tell him, and I feel a surge of bittersweet pride at being able to say the words. “My khui has chosen a mate. I will need a cave for my family.”

The look of surprise on his face is gratifying. “Who—“

“Jo-see.”

His eyes narrow, but that is the only reaction he gives. He is my chief and he is wise and knows when to be silent. After a moment, he nods. “Come, then. I will show you. We have several caves that have opened up, thanks to Har-loh and her
ma-sheen
.”

I pick out one of the larger caves for my new home. It’s toward the very back of the cave system, tucked away in the new section that has been cut from the smooth walls. Here, the rock is rougher and small rock icicles hang from the ceiling, but the cave I select is roomy and private and will hold a large bed of furs as well as plenty of room for hunting equipment and supplies. It is a good cave. Jo-see cannot help but be pleased, even if she must share it with me.