Barbarian's Mate (6 page)

And that brings me back down to earth.

Haeden.

If I give in to the resonance - and everything in my body is just about to give out, so it’s not looking like I have a choice - I’m going to be considered his mate. His wifey. I’ll be tied to him forever and ever. I’ll be stuck with him looking at me with scorn every day for the rest of my life. His irritated snort of derision every time I speak up. He’ll break me down until I’m nothing.

And that’s the life I’ll bring my baby into.

A yearning ache fills my breast. I was never loved by my parents, given up for adoption at the age of two. I’ve always dreamed of the fantasy of a real family and a happy ever after. That one day, all the bad shit I’ve gone through will be behind me, and it’ll be worth it because I’ll have nothing but happiness for the rest of my life.

It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that it’s just a dream. That I’m giving up on everything I’ve ever hoped for.

My back aches from the hard bed and I shift, trying to get comfortable. As I do, a bit of dust falls onto my face and I cough, sitting up. Not the most comfortable place to relax. I gaze around the room, vaguely irritated that I’ve come to no decision.

As I do, I start to feel guilty. There’s a seat built into one of the walls across from me, and it’s large and obviously sa-khui sized and not human sized. There’s a door off to the side and while it’s mostly collapsed, I imagine it to lead to a private bathroom, again sa-khui sized. What was it the computer called their people?

Sakh. Right.

They didn’t want to come here. From what I remember of the stories Georgie told me, they were going on a nature retreat to another planet - or something along those lines - when they crashed here and couldn’t leave.

They didn’t have a choice in how their lives went from there. They just sucked it up and carried on. They made do. They had children, and they lived their lives, and they did the best they could with what they’d been given.

I smooth one glove over my furry leggings, thinking.

Maybe I need to suck it up, too. Maybe I need to accept that, like the alien ancestors that crashed here, we don’t always get a choice in our future, and we need to make the best of things.

That means taking Haeden to my bed and getting rid of the resonance problem. It means hitching my wagon to his for the rest of my life, and while that doesn’t sound fun…right now I’m not exactly having fun, either.

And there will be a baby. I want that baby. If nothing else, I’ll have a child to love and cuddle, a child of my own.

Hello, silver lining.

I get to my feet, and nearly collapse again. My legs are weak and trembling, another side effect of the stupid resonance. I just want to feel strong again. I want to
not
want Haeden anymore. All the lust I feel for him? It’s artificial. It’s meaningless, and I hate that it controls me.

But…maybe it won’t be so bad if he is a good kisser. No one ever seems to kiss me, and I’d love for just one really wonderful kiss. I don’t think I’ll get it from Haeden, but I can’t help but hope a little.

Time to get this show on the road, I guess. I suck in a deep breath, hold on to the wall for support, and choose my path.

J
o-see is gone
for much of the afternoon, and her absence gnaws at me. I know she is in bowels of the Elders’ Cave, and she is safe, but I want to see her. I
need
to. Rukh, luckily, is not talkative, and we enjoy a companionable, if surly, silence between us as we sharpen weapons and tend to the fire. I feel as if I should be doing something - hunting, watching over Jo-see, providing for her, taking care of her needs - but I remain by the fire and tend to my things instead, waiting for her. A hunter’s life is such that he must always be repairing his gear. There are always fish hooks to be made out of bone, a spear-head gone blunt with use that must be sharpened, knives that must have their edges honed, nets to be repaired, straps that have grown weak with use, and shoes to be mended. Normally I find comfort in the endless chores, but today it makes me impatient.

I snap a delicate fish hook with my fingers and snarl, casting the shards into the coals of the fire. “Ridiculous.”

Rukh looks over at me with a narrow-eyed gaze.

I glare at him. He says nothing, but I can imagine what he is thinking. That is the third fish hook I have carved - and broken - in a row. My focus is on anything but the tasks before me. Instead, I worry about Jo-see. She has been gone for a long time. Did she hurt herself? Fall? Is she bleeding and in trouble even now? I surge to my feet. “I need to go.”

“Go where?” Rukh pokes at the fire and turns the spit, roasting a quill-beast. His mate likes her meat charred and most of the supplies here are cooked beyond inedible to a sa-khui tongue, but Rukh does not seem to mind. His Har-loh is happy and that is all that matters to him.

I toss aside my carving knife. “Anywhere. I—“

I stop. Jo-see is in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest. She’s watching me, her gaze on my face. As our eyes meet, she gives me a tentative smile.

My khui flares to life, thrumming hard in my chest. Its song is wildly desperate, and my blood pounds in my ears, my weakened body unable to cope with my khui’s excitement. My cock stiffens in my breechcloth and I adjust myself with one quick hand, my tail flicking.

“Can we…can we talk?” Jo-see takes a step forward, her hair spilling over her shoulder. She looks vulnerable and beautiful all at once and my body hungers with the need to touch her. She’s looking at me as she speaks, and it feels as if the first time in almost a moon, she is seeing me.

I feel a surge of triumph deep in my bones.

She has come to accept the resonance.

Rukh grunts and gets to his feet, though I am barely aware of his presence. “I go check on my mate.” He tosses aside the fire-stick, glances at us, and then leaves the room, hitting a panel on the wall. The wall seems to close together and slides shut behind him.

We are alone, and I inhale deeply, filling my nostrils with her sweet scent.

My mate is coming to me.

My mate.

My khui hums even louder as she takes a few tiny steps in my direction. She looks fragile and hesitant, yet she is moving toward me. This is good. I force myself to remain still as she approaches. If I grab at her, I will lose her. I clench my fists at my side, determined to remain motionless, even though my khui is all but frantic in my breast. It senses her nearness and grows wild.

She moves forward and then stops, brushing a lock of her long hair back behind an ear. “I…” she pauses and licks her lips. I stare at the pink flash of tongue, my cock aching unbearably at the sight. Humans have smooth tongues, I have been told. At first I was repulsed by the thought, but now I imagine Jo-see’s small tongue on my skin and nearly spend in my loincloth.

“Yes?” I growl the word.

Jo-see blinks, a little startled, and then rubs her arms. “So…remember when we talked? And I said I would never give in?” Her gaze drops and she gives a small little sigh. “I can’t hold out any longer. This is me…giving in. You win.”

I frown at her words, not entirely certain I understand. She is speaking the human tongue, and there are some words I do not grasp. “Win?” The image that comes to mind is of conquest, not of matings. “How do I win?”

“I’m crawling to you.” She spreads her hands. “I give up. I can’t fight this thing any longer.” Her eyes are curiously shiny, but she puts a tight smile on her face.

This…is not how I imagined her coming to me. In my dreams - and there have been many - her eyes are heavy-lidded with lust and she runs her hands on my chest, as if unable to stop from touching me. In my dreams, she is eager to give in to the khui’s song. The woman before me seems…defeated.

But my khui is singing a powerful song, and my body is excited. I reach out, hesitant at first, to see if she will shy away. When she does not, I touch a lock of her long, smooth mane and let it move through my fingers, soft like water. “You wish to be my mate, Jo-see?” My voice is husky with need, and my cock strains against my loincloth. If she moves any closer, she will feel it for herself. The thought makes me absurdly aroused.

“Honestly? No. I don’t want it. I don’t want you.” She gives a small shake of her head. “But…” her hands go over her chest, where her own khui is humming frantically. “I can’t…I can’t do this anymore. I feel like we’re stuck treading water and just getting weaker and weaker. The
sur-jree ma-sheen
is no longer an option, so…this will have to do.”

She speaks a lot of human words, and I vaguely hear them, but I’m focused on her soft hair instead, dragging my fingers through it again and watching it ripple.

Finally, she will let me touch her.

“So, um, should we find someplace private to do this?” Her voice sounds choked.

I nod. I would take her on the floor, right here, right now - but I understand that humans value quiet places where they can be alone to mate. I try to think of all of the things the other human-mated males have said around the fire - how they like to be held, what pleases them - but all I can think of is the steady throbbing hum of my khui in my breast, Jo-see’s nearness, and the ache in my body that is about to be slaked at last.

She moves away, and I walk behind her. She could lead me off a cliff and in this moment? I would follow gladly. Jo-see heads into the depths of the cave, turning down a passage I have never been in, and then stops in front of the wall. She pushes a button and the wall slides back, revealing a chamber. I twitch, uneasy at the sight of the moving wall, but when she moves in, I follow anyhow. If it is not safe, better that I am with her.

The chamber is small and square, and there is a shelf along the wall. She sits on the edge of it and looks over at me with nervous eyes.

“You want to mate here?”

Her cheeks flare with color and she nods. “Seems as good a place as anywhere else.”

I nod and move closer to her. Her scent beckons, and I hear the endless hum of her khui. It calls to me, and I can’t resist the chance to reach out and touch her mane again. My fingers drag through it and she shudders, her eyes closing.

She doesn’t touch me, and I fight back a pang of disappointment. Maybe it is human custom for the male to take charge of the mating. I sit next to her on the hard bench, and brush a finger over her smooth, rounded cheek. My cock aches, my sac tightening against my shaft as if ready to release my seed. I cannot yet, though. I have barely touched her, and I want more.

Her scent is enticing, and I lean in to sniff her. I…never touched Zalah. She pushed me away and mocked me for the stripling I was. Then when I recovered from the khui-sickness, she was gone and touching anyone else - had they even offered - seemed wrong. Now, I have my mate and no idea of how to please her. Instinct will have to guide me.

I lean in and nuzzle at her neck, licking at her soft, smooth skin. She shivers and makes a soft, whimpery noise that makes my cock jolt in response. She is not moving away from my touch, and her khui is singing loudly in her breast. Her scent is so…overwhelming. I want more of it, and I cup a hand to the other side of her neck and bury my face against her shoulder. She is fragile and small, my mate, and I worry I will hurt her somehow. “I…”

“It’s okay,” she breathes and puts a small hand on my arm. “Let’s not talk, all right? Let’s just…do this.”

She does not want to speak? I do not know if this is another human custom. It feels strange to me, but I give in to her wishes. I pull at the collar of her tunic, loosening the laces. She remains utterly still, that tight look on her face. I wish she acted as if she were more…aroused by my touch. My cock jerks in my breechcloth, unaware of her tension. All my body cares about is that I am finally touching my mate.

The khui hums in my chest, and I pull her closer against me. I want to touch her everywhere. I want that tight look on her face to change to one of pleasure. It is important to me that she like my touch…I want her to realize that I can be a good mate to her. That I need her. That she is beautiful to me with her silky hair and her pink, smooth face and her smiles.

Ah, her smiles. I feel pre-cum slicking the head of my cock at the thought. I am close to spending and I have barely touched her. I release her, clenching a hand into a fist, trying to keep control.

But then she leans against me. I forget all about control. My hand slides down her front and I am eager to touch her everywhere. Her breast is small in my hand, but she makes a little noise of pleasure when I touch it, and it makes me want to do more. I caress her over the leather of her tunic and feel the hard little nub of her nipple. She sucks in a breath when I touch it, and I can smell the scent of her arousal through her clothing. My mouth floods with water, and I imagine how good she will taste on my tongue. I cannot wait to bury my face between her legs and lap at her sweet juices. I squeeze her breast, and she leans against my chest, her hand going to my face to caress it.

And I erupt in my pants.

The breath hisses from my body as the force of the orgasm overtakes me. I stiffen, stars dancing before my eyes.

“Haeden?” there’s a question in her voice. Confusion. “What’s wrong?”

I mentally curse. My breechcloth is hot and sticky with my spend. All she had to do was touch me and I lost control. I am…humiliated. Any other male would know how to please his female, but I do not. I have never touched one. I feel awkward and foolish, and my mind conjures up Zalah’s mocking grin as she denies me.

I feel as if I am back to that same, unwanted, untried kit I was.

“Haeden?” she reaches for me.

I jerk to my feet and turn away from her so she won’t see the mess I’ve made of myself.

“What is it?” Jo-see asks.

“Nothing.” My voice is harsh. I will never admit what just happened. “Stop pressing me with your questions.”

She sucks in a breath. “God, you’re still a dick. Even after I come crawling to you?”

My back goes up. I do not look at her. “You did not crawl. The khui chose. You have accepted it.” And me? I cannot control myself. My shame is immense. Oblivious, my khui hums and hums in my breast, eager to take my mate.

“Bullshit,” she says softly. “Bullshit that I’ve accepted it. You know what? I can’t do this.” I hear her hop down off the ledge. “I thought I could move past this, but I can’t. I can’t fling myself into the arms of another person that’s just going to use me. And I’m not going to bring a baby into this kind of relationship. Fuck you, and fuck your cootie.”

“Do not leave,” I growl as I hear the door open. I press a hand to my cock, but the front of my breeches is still wet with spend. If I turn around, she will see my shame, and I cannot bear to see the scorn in her eyes like the scorn Zalah always had for me.

But the door closes again a moment later, and the room is silent.

She has gone anyhow, and I am left with wet breeches and stinging pride.

I can’t do it. I thought I could, but I can’t.

He didn’t even kiss me. A kiss shouldn’t have mattered so much, but it feels like everything. It feels as if Haeden didn’t want me there. Like I was just a body for him to jerk off on. I’ve been that body before, and it sucks.

All I wanted was a kiss. To feel cherished for once. I sigh and wipe the frustrated tears from my eyes. I can’t cry over this. I’ve already had my one night of tears. No more.

I re-tie the laces of my tunic at my neck and head for the main computer room. For some reason, I keep expecting Haeden to come after me. To come coax me back into his arms. To shower me with kisses and show that I was wrong, that he didn’t mean to make me feel bad. But…no one comes.

And I can’t believe I’m disappointed over that.

I feel like such an idiot. I’ve made things worse. Not only do I still have unfinished resonance, but now I’ve fought with Haeden. Again.

I just wish there was a way out of this. Somehow.

I plop down in one of the uncomfortable, slick chairs that have managed to last the hundreds of years from the crash. The one I’m sitting in is oversized, perfect for someone as big as Haeden but not so great for someone my size. My feet dangle, and I kick them, then lean forward and pick up an errant object on the counter. “Hey, computer? Where’s Harlow?”

“My readouts show that Harlow is in her private quarters with her companion and her child. Do you wish to locate them? I can provide directions.”

“No thanks.” I toss the chip aside and pick through the items on the countertop, miserable. “What about Haeden?”

“The modified sakh male that you arrived with is still in room 3-A.”

Still there? He’s probably expecting me to come back. He can just keep waiting. I find a rounded circle of what looks like glass and take it in hand. It’s smooth to the touch and about the size of my palm. “Computer, what’s this for?”

The computer rattles off an explanation that I don’t grasp in the slightest. I make a few noises of acknowledgment just to be polite and sit back in the chair, swinging my legs like a little kid and playing with my new toy. The glass is slightly thicker in the center, and I lift it to my eye and peer, because it reminds me of a kaleidoscope. When I bring it to my eye, though, everything rushes forward. Ooo, a magnifier of sorts. I bet you could make a kickass Not-Hoth telescope with this. Of course, it’d be useless on me because I never get to travel anywhere. Everyone thinks I’m too fragile.