Bases Loaded (11 page)

“No you don’t. If you loved me you would leave her. You would
have divorced her. You would have left her a long time ago.”

I started shaking her. “I do love you!
” I don’t know why I was shouting.

“So why do you keep doing this to me?”

I physically let her go.  She would never leave my heart.
“I’m not trying to hurt you.”

“But you are.”
Kari started crying. I was shocked and I didn’t expect it so her tears scared the shit out of me. She was wailing. She was having trouble breathing. I didn’t know what to do. I was frozen in my spot.

“Kari, stop!” I don’t know why I said that. My heart started beating fast but I couldn’t move. Kari could move. She started backing away from me. Her right fist was balled and clutched to her chest. She loosened her fist and snatched both her hands up to cover her face. “Kari!” She was so far away.

My feet started working and I sprung forth and removed her hands from her face. I held her wrists and she collapsed to the floor. Oh God! Her eyes were slammed shut. Her crying moans were stabbing at my heart. I was trying to keep her on her feet but she refused. Her legs were like jelly. She wanted to hit the floor and I couldn’t stop her. I held on to her and followed her down to the carpet.

“Kari, no, no no. Stop it. Stop now, stop it.” I grabbed her by her shoulders and started trying to shake her eyes open. “Look at me!”
I moved as close as I could and I wrapped my arms around her. I embraced her hard. I was crushing her but she wasn’t moving. She wasn’t protesting. I soon realized she stopped crying. “Please Kari baby, look at me.”

Her red and glossy eyes opened. She was looking into my eyes. I was looking back into hers but her stare was blank, empty, and vacant of emotion. She wiped the wetness from her face and just glared at me.

“Kari.”

“I’m done.”

“What?”

“I’m done with you.”

I chuckled. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “No you’re not.” I tried to smile but my chest was pounding and aching like I had been punched in the heart.

“Mason, I am done with you. It is over.”

“Why would you say that?”

“The list is too long.”

“You know I would never let that happen.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“I will never let you go.”

“I don’t want you anymore.”

What? No. “You’re lying.”

“I’m not. I can’t do this anymore.”

“You love me.”

“
Fine, I just don’t want you anymore. I’m done. Look me in my eyes and see that I mean what I say.”

I did just that. I looked and I saw the same thing that I saw before…nothing. “Fuck you!” I felt a tear form in the corner of my eye. “Fuck you!” I roared and she
shuddered. I startled her with the bass in my voice. I was yelling in her face. “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”

Kari tried to stand up. I wretched her back down. She rolled her eyes at me, sort of.

“You’re not going anywhere!” I meant that. She can’t leave me.

“I’m leaving here on my feet or in a body bag. I don’t want you anymore. Get that in your head. Let me go or kill me.
Either way I’m done with you.”

I felt my face frown as I glar
ed at her. “Fuck you! If you leave, I will never take you back. You will be dead to me.”

“Okay.” She stood up on her feet.
She went from erratic crying to devoid of any and all emotion.

Okay? What the fuck? Are you serious right now? I stood up and towered over her. “You are…making a mistake.”

Kari ignored my words and grabbed her purse off the table. She slowly went to the door. Her hand touched the doorknob and my knees went wobbly. No!

“Kari Lynn, don’t do this.” I felt the tears erupting in my chest.

“It’s done.” The door was open and she was out of it. I couldn’t believe she was gone until the door closed behind her. Just like that, just like we meant nothing to each other. I don’t, I don’t... I couldn’t go after her. I just stood there in my spot, broken to pieces. Her words were final. They had an expiration date. I thought she loved me as deeply as I loved her. I scampered over to the closed door. I touched it I leaned my head on it. Why is this happening to me? I lose everyone I love.

I heard a roar. It was me. I was roaring like some disturbed beast. I took two hulking steps back from the door. I raised one foot and I kicked the door with everything I had in me. I kicked the door off the
hinges and knocked it out the frame. I was shaking and roaring. I wanted to hurt someone the way I was hurting.

“Uncle! Uncle!” I heard RJ yelling at me. I opened my eyes. I didn’t know I had shut them. My fists were on their way to connect with the wall. I was stopped in the middle of my punch when my nephew li
fted me off my feet and swung me around in a circle.

“Uncle Mason, chill!” He let me go and I was on my feet but I felt dizzy. “Uncle, chill!”

My anger turned to anguish and I was crying like I had ten vaginas. RJ reached out and grabbed my shoulders but I was too weak to truly pull away.

“Uncle, dude let that shit out.” RJ had cupped the back of my head and pulled me in close. My chest exploded and I was sobbing into the neck and shoulder of my nephew. He was holding me so tight I couldn’t move. My arms were at my sides and I was immobile in my body, my heart and my mind.

“Fuck her!” I whimpered into his shoulder.

“Yeah, dude, Fuck her.”

I don’t know how long RJ had me in his safe and secure man-hug but when he released me I was calmer. “I’m sorry.” I wasn’t sure why I was apologizing.

“Yeah, shit happens.” He said. I always say that to him. “Let’s get white boy wasted. Let’s go straight to Bar Louie, drink until we think we can walk
on friggin’ water. I will get Deja to drive us home.”

“I don’t know.”
I looked around at the unnecessary destruction I caused, the damn door that was laying flat on the floor. There were pieces of wood sticking out the wall of the door frame. “I got to fix this door.”

“
Fuck that, nail a bed sheet up there and let’s bounce.”

“I--”

“Damn old man, you have a reason to get wasted.”

“Yeah I do.”

RJ put on his caveman voice. “You smash door. I drive car. Vodka for me. Vodka for you.” RJ smiled his goofy grin. “Put your panties on. I’m waiting in the car. Let’s do this.”

RJ jumped through the opened doorway like a superhero.

There was really no reason to debate. I needed that drink and I would need many more. I had said things and heard things that I wanted to forget. Things that would haunt me for a long time. If I went to sleep sober I ran the risk of dreaming about Kari. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to be in an alcohol induced coma.
I got wasted.

*****

It had been a few of days since Kari dumped me. Shit. Is that what happened? I tried to call her but she wouldn’t answer. I knew she wouldn’t. I would have been surprised if she did. This time was different. Her goodbye seemed like the real deal.

She was a world class bitch for kicking me when I was down. She took my heart and just threw it away.
She kicked the shit out of me with her fluorescent green Nikes. Fuck you Kari Lynn fucking Fenderson!

My kids were spending a lot of time with my sister. I had unlocked the front door because Karen was on her way to my house to drop them back off at home. I appreciated all the help since Tess was away and I was mourning the loss of Kari. Plus I had started back to watching Uncle Jimmy.

Karen entered my house and my children came running in behind her.

“Hi dad, hi dad, hi dad.” That
was all I heard.

Karen was carrying an Elmo
backpack containing Matt and Tim’s clothing. Karen walked by me and placed the backpack on the floor by the living room couch.

“Bye kids!” Karen yelled.

“Bye Aunt Karen!” Matt, Tim and Hannah roared in jumbled unison as the trekked up the stairs.

Karen turned to leave without so much as a glance or word in my direction.

“Karen.” My sister didn’t respond and I knew she heard me. “Karen.”

This time she stopped moving long enough to look me dead on and the venom that sprayed from her eyes burned me deep.

“What Mason? What is it?”

“What’s your problem?”

Karen looked up the staircase to insure my children were out of hearing distance. “You are a friggin’ asshole.”

“What?”

“I know what you did.”

“What are you talking about?”
I think I knew but I couldn’t see how Karen would have any clue what conspired between Kari and me. Plus why would she care?

“You broke her heart.” Kari whispered. “She thought you were leaving your wife to be with her. She’s not crazy.
I know she didn’t make it up. I know you told her that. You are disgusting.”

“Why do you care? She
is, was, my girlfriend. It’s none of your business.”

“She’s my friend.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“She’s my friend. She called me when you broke her heart.
She told me everything. You’re such a jerk.”

“What do you mean, she’s your friend?”

“I’m the one that sent her to help you. Now I feel like shit. You should have never told her those lies. You should have never told her you were leaving Tess. She loves you, you asshole.”

“Why would you befriend Kari
? Are you trying to fuck her?” Shit! Did I just say that? As soon as I said it I wished I could take it back. I was the only one in the family with the exception of Karen’s husband that knew she was bisexual. I wished I had never thrown it up in her face.

“I can’t believe you would say that to me. I’m glad
mom is not alive to see what a friggin’ asshole you’ve become.”

I stopped breathing. Karen had slapped me hard with an insult that rival
ed any I had to offer. The mention of our mother could bring me to my knees and Karen used that knowledge to mortally wound me. I felt like shit and I was trying so hard to conceal it. I had these choices to make and I made the one that I thought was right. I could not bear to be without my children and to leave them with Tess didn’t seem like a viable option.

“I’m sorry Karen.”

“Mason you are always sorry. Stop fucking up and then you won’t have anything to be sorry for.”

“I had to make a decision and I chose my family.”
I was so tired of thinking about it. I didn’t even want to clarify it to my sister. I was trying to push Kari from my thoughts and here it is my sister is reminding me of the woman I’m trying to forget.

“You were never happy in this marriage and you know it. The only time I ever saw you happy was with Kari. I know you better than anyone. You’re my brother I know you were happy with her. Do you really think you can have a life with Tess after you shitted all over her and told her you love another woman? What is wrong with you? Why are you always hurting the people that love you?”

“Karen, you don’t know the entire story.”

“I’m sure you’re right but I know enough. Kari told me you’ve done this shit twice to her. She was going to leave her boyfriend for you. She was going to wait around for this phantom divorce you were getting. You are heartless.”

“I was really going to get a divorce but things changed.”

“What changed?”

“Now you love Tess?”

“No, I don’t love Tess.”

“So what then?”

“I love my kids.”

“We all love our kids. You can love your kids and not be an asshole all at the same time. You are friggin’ pathetic.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“Who doesn’t these days. Kari is my friend and she is a closed subject between us.”

“That’s fine. I don’t ever want to think about her again. I want to forget she ever existed.
Fuck her!” That was a lie. I don’t know why I said it. I will never forget her.

“I’m sure she feels the same way about you.” Ouch! That shit hurt.

“I didn’t try to hurt her. I’m hurt too. Karen she is the love of my life. She wouldn’t wait for me.”

“Fuck off.” Karen was out the door before I could thin
k of a proper rebuttal. Is my sister really friends with Kari? I mean I guess I could see it. So does that mean they were hanging out and going shopping and doing female things together? How come no one told me?

It doesn’t matter I have made a conscious decision to block Kari Fenderson from my life. I love her and I’m going to stop loving her. I’m strong enough to do this. I have to do this to save my family. Tess doesn’t deserve this. I could’ve bee
n a better husband. I still can be. This can work. I will keep telling myself that this will work. Fuck Kari Fenderson! She doesn’t love me enough to stay with me so fuck her.