Beach Side Beds and Sandy Paths (6 page)

She can’t.

“I’m sorry, I’m out with my mom right now. She’s having a rough night.”

“Oh, that’s okay. I’ll just see you tomorrow.”

“No wait, don’t be upset.”

“I’m not.” Because I’m not. Not
with her.

“Ryan…”

“Really, it’s okay. Take care of your mom. I’ll still be here tomorrow.” If Grams doesn’t castrate me in my sleep.

“I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

I hang up before she can feel bad any more about me. She’s got enough to deal with. She doesn’t need my crap too.

Throwing myself on the bed, I set my phone to silent because I know Lex will call as soon as she can, and I’m hoping to be dead asleep when she does.

The color is back in Mom’s cheeks. It’s amazing what a burger from Skippy Lee’s can do for a girl. Funny, how only a few months ago I wouldn’t be caught dead with Mom at the local hangout, but she’s not the town drunk anymore. I’m proud of her. People should know that.

Her hands still shake, but she kept her composure when she couldn’t keep her water from sloshing over the sides. I got her a straw
, and the problem was solved. Still I could see frustration pulling at the corners of her eyes. She’s going through hell. If I could I would switch places with her. Take away the pain, the shakes, the insatiable urge to give up and go back to the bottle.

I take the blanket off the back of the couch and lay it across her. Lately the only time she seems to be at peace is when she’s sleeping. I’m not going to wake her just so she can move to her bed. Besides she’s spent so many nights on the couch it’s basically her bed anyway.

I tiptoe to my room and ease the door shut. She doesn’t need me anymore tonight, but there’s someone who does.

I’ve known Ryan long enough to detect any discontent in his tone. Tonight he might as well have opened my bottle of
‘
Need Sunglasses’
nail polish and painted “I’m miserable” on the wall.

Normally I would let it go
—go to sleep and talk to him in the morning. But if it was the other way around, he would be waiting at my window for me to get home, ready to jump in, take me in his arms, and hold me until I didn’t want to be held anymore. Why does it always have to be the guy who is the knight in shining armor? I want to be the warrior princess in a glittery tiara.

It’s been awhile since I’ve climbed out my bedroom window and when I realized Mom was serious about the whole getting sober thing, I decided my window escaping days were over. I’m taking it back though, just for tonight.

I pull on one of Ryan’s hoodies I stole and will never give back— it smells too good and fits just right— then jump up on my dresser, reach for the perfect topping to my surprise, and slide out into the cool spring evening. Stars sparkle in the dark sky, and I make my way to the shed.

Even though I haven’t r
idden my bike since I got my license, and Ryan fixed up Roger’s old car for me, my landlord still has it stored. The key is still under the planter, the lock still barely out of my reach. I rise on tip toe and unlatch the door to my past.

The pink handle bars with the flower stickers Ryan gave me when we were twelve
rest up against the back wall. I move past the lawn mower and just like I did so many nights before, I wheel my bike out.

These past few months we’ve been so focused on the future
, on college, and what’s next, we’ve forgotten about all the things that got us to this point. Tonight I want Ryan to remember how easy it once was to push all the negativity aside and just be happy with each other.

The wind blows my hair behind me as I steer my bike
past my car. I never thought I’d even have a car and I probably wouldn’t if it wasn’t for Roger and Ryan.

I
turn onto the street and close my eyes for a second, a smile tugging so hard at the corners of my lips I can’t help but laugh.

The desire to see Ryan just reached an all time high. I pedal harder, faster, and if I cut down Stewart
Street, I’ll be there in five minutes flat. A left on Stewart and a right on Johnson and I pull up in front of Ryan’s.

I hop off my bike and wheel it along the perimeter of the house
, far enough away so the motion detector lights don’t sense me. The Lincoln is in the driveway with the hood still up. Ryan has been busting his cute butt to get that thing ready for our trip.

It’s
dark and the hydrangea bushes help keep me hidden.

Butterflies kick up in my stomach when I turn the corner and see Ryan’s lights still on. Twenty bucks, he’s pacing his room, hand rubbing the back of his neck raw.

I ease the bike down and sneak along the house to his window. I’d be twenty bucks richer if I had someone to make the bet with.

I don’t knock right away. There’s something about watching him when he thinks no one can see him. He’s not putting on an act. Not pretending everything is okay. The tension in his jaw is pulled tight, the veins in his arms bulging and that damn hand is burrowing a hole in his neck. Not to mention he’s stripped down to his boxers and
a T-shirt and wow. Just wow.

He runs his hands through his hair
, lifting his shirt, and my eyes linger on his happy trail before following the path to his eyes. There’s no lying to me now. He’s stressed. Whether he’ll admit it or not that’s a different story. I’m not holding my breath though. But that’s not why I’m here.

Ryan paces to the end of the room and when he makes an about face
, I knock. The tension in his jaw vanishes, his hand drops from his neck and that sparkle he gets whenever I take him by surprise lights up his face.

I give my usual awkward wave
, and he very carefully and quietly opens his window. 

H
e cups my cheek, and I like to think it’s because when it comes to me he can’t resist the skin on skin contact. “What are you doing here?”

It takes all my restraint to keep from running my hands across his chest and attacking him with my lips. “I missed you tonight.”

“I missed you, too.” He leans over the windowsill and presses his lips to mine. My mind goes blank, every intention of not making this about sex flies out the window and is somewhere with my bike.

Desperate to run my hands down his chest
, I move closer to the window. My fingers scale his skin and hook behind his neck. He pulls me closer, lifting me up until I’m no longer in the window but in his arms.

He
breaks away and rests his forehead on mine. “Sorry.” Mint breath warms against my cheek.

“For what?”

“I can’t help myself when I’m around you.”

“And you’re apologizing for that?” I grab his face and guide his lips back to mine. We start moving until I’m on the bed, Ryan on top of me. His hands travel the curves of my body and a low moan escapes between kisses.

Ryan snaps back, his eyes a mix of horror and humor. I’ve moaned before, and he’s never had this reaction. It’s normal, isn’t it? I mean it just slipped, it’s not like I was trying to act all sexy.

Embarrassed, I crawl away from him, r
esting my back against his headboard. I grab his pillow and hug it into my body.

“What are you doing?”
he asks, reaching for the pillow.

I shrug.

“Lex, what’s the matter?”

“The way you looked at me when I…I…moaned.”

He starts laughing. “Come here.” He lifts his arm up, and I crawl into his warmth. “Grams and Pop-pop kind of had a talk with me today.”

“About what?”

His fingers go to the back of his neck, rubbing back and forth, back and forth. “How they heard you the other day.”

I jump up from the bed. “
What
?”

“Shh! Before they hear you again.”

I flop back onto the bed. “I can never look them in the face again. Ever. Do you have any idea how embarrassing this is?”

He doesn’t answer. He’s too busy cracking up and pushing his face into his pillow to muffle the
sound.

“Go ahead
. Laugh it up. It’s not funny.”

He shakes his head, dark eyes glossy with laughter tears. “It is.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Even just a little.” He holds his thumb and pointer up in front of his face.

“No.”

He moves closer to me. “A little, tiny bit.” And when his smile reaches his eyes
, I can’t fight the pull of my lips.

“Okay maybe a little.” His arms engulf me and I press my head against his chest. “I’m still never going to be able to look them in the eye again.”

Funny or not
holy crap
, how the heck will I ever not feel awkward around them? This is awful. But wait. Tonight’s not supposed to be about any of this.  I almost forgot. How the heck did I almost forget?

“Get dressed, we’re sneaking out.”

***

Ryan gives me a boost out the window, hand going right for
my rear—as if that wasn’t premeditated. Sneaky boy. Once he’s out I grab his hand and pull him towards my bike.

“You rode your bike here?”

“Yup.”

He shakes his head. “You’re too much.”

I pick my bike up, and we walk the perimeter. Once out in the street and away from the house he takes the handles from me.

“Like old times.”

“Exactly what I had in mind.”

“Then hop on.” I lift myself up on my handlebars and without me even saying a word he knows. He turns the bike in the direction of
our
place and pedals.

Ryan pulls the bike up to the gate with a hole big enough for us to squeeze through. It’s gotten more difficult as my chest has grown, but I still fit. I go first, Ryan staying close behind, his hand resting on the side of my hip.

I slide my hand into his and pull him through.

“So what’s on the agenda tonight? Ferris Wheel? Rollercoaster? Bumper cars?” His voice drops. “Funhouse?”

I slap his shoulder. “You know the funhouse creeps me out. I’m thinking Bumper cars.”

Most of the nightmares I had about Dad abandoning me took place at an amusement park,
so it’s funny how an abandoned one is mine and Ryan’s place. Maybe that was my subconscious telling me it was okay Dad left because no matter how bad things got, this place would always be here.

Now I just need to show
Ryan
I
will always be here even when it’s obvious he’s hiding something behind his charming smile and good looks.

“Can I hitch a ride?” I ask, pouting my lip and giving my best puppy dog impression.

He scrunches his nose, dark eyes squinting. His legs bend and I jump up on his back, wrapping my legs around his midsection and snuggling into his neck.

“Runaway bull!” he yells and takes off, bouncing me up and down. I hold on tighter, pressing my body closer to his.

“Hey, wait a second!”

He bounces once more than tilts his head up at me. “What’s up?”

“You used to do that just so I would push my boobs into you, didn’t you?”

Dark eyes sparkle. “I will neither confirm nor deny.”

“You jerk!” I slap his back, but I can’t be mad. We both burst out laughing. It feels good. Exactly what I wanted. Here in our place, just the two of us, keeping all our problems on the outside of the gates.

“
You had me in the friend-zone for so long I had to do what I could.”

“If I only knew how much of a perv you were,” I say against his ear, nibbling on the very bottom of his lobe.

A low moan rumbles from his lips and his hands tighten on my legs.

I pull away. I’m veering off course again. It’s just hard to resist him. I lean back to a safe distance. “I just want to have fun tonight. Like we used to. Forget about everything and everyone.”

He releases my legs, and lets me slide down. Once on solid ground he turns me towards him. “Sounds perfect.” It looks like he’s going to lean in and kiss me, but instead he pulls back.

“I have one more surprise.”

“Oh.” His eyebrows arch. “And what’s that?”

I reach into my pocket and pull it out. When
we were younger, whenever I was upset, Ryan would buy me Fun Dip. We would tap sticks and then compare tongue colors. “Just like we used to.” I rip open the packaging and pass him a stick. We tap them together and go to dip them in the powdery goodness when a shadow stretches out between us.

“Have an extra one?”

My head shoots up. I stand there speechless not sure of what to say or do.

I tried. Tried to keep our problems on the outside of our world, but I failed. Instead of keeping them out
, I just led Ryan’s biggest problem into the one place he has where he can hide from it all.

I should’ve known better. Like I’ve told Ryan time and time again
, you can’t hide. You have to face your problems.

And now he has no choice but to face the one problem he’s been actively hiding from.

Brett.