Beach Side Beds and Sandy Paths (4 page)

“Ryan,” she breathes against my lips when we break for air. It’s just how she said it in her bedroom, and my whole body reacts. I don’t want to reach down and adjust, since it’s not exactly smooth, but the zipper on my jeans is killing me.

I move to her lips again, but she blocks me with her hand.

“You okay?” I ask, hoping she is because my mind has completely erased from everything but her. And I like it. I could drown in it and live there forever.

She nods, a shy smile creeping on her lips.

I run my hand down her arm. “What is it, then?”

“I-I wanted to try something. But only if you’re okay.”

My eyebrow goes up
, and I give her my cocky smirk. “Like what?”

“Something we haven’t done before.” Her voice catches
, and she won’t look me in the eye. The heat from her face steams mine up as she stammers her next question. “You love me, right?”

“Of course, you goof.” Great. I’ve gone to joking because I have no idea what she’s thinking. And if she’s thinking sex, I don’t have anything. I mean, absolutely
nothing
for protection. Maybe sandwich bags.

That and
I’m coming down from an angry high. Not exactly the best thing for the first time, I don’t think.

“I love you, too,” she whispers,
then her shaking fingers clasp the button on my jeans. When she gets to the zipper, I spout off the only thing going through my brain before I lose the ability to use the one in my head.

“I don’t have protection, Lex.”

She laughs, and it makes me feel worse about not being prepared. “We don’t need it.”

Um, huh? She’s undoing my je
ans. I’m not reading it wrong, am I?

She laughs again, giving me that beautiful two-dimpled grin. And with that smile, that sudden confidence, I’m back in the cabin with her on our senior trip. She’s taking my shirt off and telling my
drunk ass she wants me.

“Ry, you looked uncomfortable.”

Well, she’s damn right about that. But now with my fly open, it’s not as bad.

Her face goes a little pink as she pushes me to the bed. I prop myself up against the headboard, my woody so huge I could pitch Cirque du S
oleil. I’m stretching the boxer briefs to their limit.

Lex hikes up her sexy green skirt before straddling my hips. I don’t know what happens to my brain when she settles her soft skin on me. Pretty sure nothing is up there now. I’m a little light-headed, since most of my blood supply is shooting downward.

And then upward, I guess.

“Are you okay?” she breathes, leaning closer to my mouth.

“Hell yeah.” Since the brain in my head isn’t working, I’m blaming everything I say out loud on loss of cerebral activity.

She giggles, raking her long fingernails through my hair. “I liked what you did for me. I mean,
really
liked it. I haven’t stopped thinking about it.”

That’s just about the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard. Followed by the sexiest thing I’ve ever felt. She starts moving her hips back and forth, holding onto my shoulders for support. If I was thinking about my brother and the trip and wanting to zap it from my head… shit, I sure picked the right way to do it.

“Me too,” I manage to choke out. I think she’s too into the movements to notice I’m lying my ass off. Honestly I hadn’t thought of what happened with Lex earlier. Mind has been smothered with…
ah hell
, she feels so…
good
.

And now sitting here with her on top of me, her thin panties and my worn boxers the only things between us, I don’t know how I could’ve thought of anything else.

***

“Wow.” It’s all I can say. Or grunt.
Lex curls up against my side, breathing hot and heavy against my neck. Her shirt is falling off her shoulder. I swipe her brown hair away, then slide the shirt back in place.

She
presses a kiss to my Adam’s apple. “I’ll say.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too”

We lay still while
my blood supply floods back to the rest of my body. When it does, everything that happened at dinner filters back into my head. Even though I’m happy, I’m getting more and more pissed as my mind starts working again.

I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I feel like I might’ve been using Lex just now. Yeah, she was the one who started it, but all I could think about was how she’s a good eraser.
She deserves way better. She deserves to be touched like that because I love her. Not because I want to forget.

Maybe I should’ve stopped her.

No, wait.
She
wanted it.
I
wanted it. We love each other, and it’s not like I didn’t enjoy it. It was perfect for us right now. For a few minutes, I felt better. Felt incredible. There was nothing but me and Lex and our love.

It
wasn’t
wrong.

Then why do I feel guilty as hell?

It’s a door. A boring white door that could use a pick me up, like some of my ‘
Pink Before You Leap’
nail color, but nonetheless it’s a door. So why is the thought of walking through it the most terrifying thing ever?

“What are you waiting for? Come on.” Kaylee bounces in front of me, grabs my arm and pushes the door open. She glides right on in
while I’m bug-eyed and red-eared behind her. So much for trying to blend in.

The door slams shut, trapping us in a tiny check
-in area. My heart races and my hand shoots to the ring on my finger.

Twist. Twist. Twist.

I look at the ring Ryan gave me. I never thought I’d take off the one from my father but with Ryan I don’t need to wait for a man to remember he once loved me. Because I have one who does.

The brown amber stone is the closest thing to Ryan’s eyes
, and it’s the comfort I’m looking for.

I’m doing this for me. For him. For us.

“Can I help you?” The portly woman with teased hair behind the sliding glass window asks.

I open my mouth to speak, but before I can even get a sound o
ut Kaylee pushes through. Blond pigtails swirl around as she hitches a thumb in my direction. “She’s ready to have sex, but doesn’t want to get knocked up.”

No words come out, but tons of sounds do. My cheeks are spewing lava
. I think my eyes just rolled out of their sockets and into the waiting room.

“Have you been here before?” the woman asks.

“Nope. She’s a virgin in that category too,” Kaylee announces.

I give Kaylee a nice butt bump and get her out of the way.

The woman hands me a clipboard with a stack of papers. She points to the top with a red acrylic nail. “Fill out the first page, read and sign the second. Fill out the third page. Do you have insurance?”

I shake my head.

“Okay, then fill out the fourth page and then sign the fifth. You can go sit in the waiting room, and when you’re finished bring it right back up.”

The waiting room is scary
—worse than the itty bitty claustrophobic check-in area. At least in there, it was just me and Kaylee. There are
tons
of people in here. Okay maybe not tons. I see six pairs of shoes. I’m too embarrassed to look up. What if I know one of the faces? How humiliating would that be! I guess not so much since they’d be here for the same thing or even worse. STD anyone? But still, talk about awkward.

“There’
re two free seats over here, bestie!” Kaylee yells across the room, and I swear she’s using a megaphone.

I’m beginning to think bringing her was a bad idea. Ryan would
have held my hand, let me hide my head against his chest, but Pop-pop forced him to go fishing with his brother. Ryan doesn’t even
like
to fish. He doesn’t eat them, so he’s basically killing them for fun. Killing fish is not his idea of fun. And dealing with his long lost brother… not really a walk in the park either. Besides, I didn’t exactly tell him I decided to go on the pill.

I make my way to Kaylee, head down doing my best to avoid eye contact with the other six people. The chair is hard as if this whole situation wasn’t uncomfortable enough. Kaylee butt shimm
ies while I just accept the hardness.

First page, first question. Name. Easy enough.
Alexis Boggs
. Second. Address. Why do they need my address? Are they going to mail me something? What would they mail? I don’t want my mom to know I’m here. Or came here. Ever.

“Why aren’t you writing?” Kaylee taps the paper with her nail she just painted with my
On The Same
Page
nail color.

I turn my head into my shoulder. “Why do they want my address?”

“For their files. Don’t worry, they won’t mail you anything. Look.” She points to the next line.

How would you like us to notify you? An addressed envelope with all information? A blank envelope with all information inside? A blank envelope with a piece of paper with a star? If you receive the star
, you should contact the office immediately.

“See. Even if they send you something in the mail
, and your mom opens it, she’ll have no idea what the star is.”

“Why would they send me anything?”

“If you have an STD or cancer.”

Cancer
? “
What
?”

“You should see your face right now. Seriously wish I had a camer
a. Lex, just fill out the paperwork. It seems really scary, but it’s not. Trust me.” She takes my hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. Kaylee might be loud and cheery and embarrassing, but she’s the best friend I got. The greatest.

Her squeeze is exactly what I need. I finish filling out the paperwork and bring it back up to the lady at the window. On my way back to my chair
, I even look at the people in the waiting room.

A girl about my age, who I don’t know,
thank God
, is fidgeting with her hands. Another girl is resting her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder. A pregnant teen sits with her mom across from Kaylee, and a boy sits alone slouched in his seat, head resting on his palms while his fingers tap his face.

All are completely different, but have one thing in common. They all look as scared as I feel. It’s a little reassuring. As if, even though I don’t know these people, we’re in this together.

The door swings open, and I brace for them to call my name, but instead a girl walks out and with a big smile, shakes her head at the boy. His shoulders slump in relief,  and he jumps up, taking her into his arms.

Considering they looked not a day over sixteen, I’m assuming she’s not pregnant.

“So how’s Ryan handling the brother thing?” 

I snap my attention back to Kaylee. “Okay I guess. He hasn’t really
said much about it. Not that I haven’t tried getting it out of him. I wish he’d just talk to me.”

Kaylee pats my knee. “It’s a lot to take in. He’ll talk when he’s ready.”

“I hope so. We’ve always told each other everything, and the fact he didn’t come to me…” I look down at my nails. “It just bothers me.”

She
puts her arm around mine and pulls me close. “Just give him time.” I rest my head on her shoulder, and she kisses my hair. “It’ll be okay. You guys are meant for each other. Besides once he gets a piece of you, that boy will never leave.”

I slap her arm
, and we both laugh. The laughing stops when the door swings open again and the nurse steps in. “Alexis?”

“Good luck.” Kaylee winks at me. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

The nurse gives me a smile as I slowly make my way through the door. “Do you have to use the bathroom before we get started?”

That’s a weird question. Maybe I should go. Why else would she be asking me? Maybe this is going to take a while.

“Yeah, that’d be good.”

“The bathroom is down the hall on the right. When you’re finished
,  go right into this room.” She points to the door behind her. I peek in and see overhead cabinets, a sink and an examining table with paper on it. Just like a normal doctor’s office. No biggie. I can do this.

I go to the bathroom, making sure not to touch anything.
If people come here with STDs, I don’t want to catch anything. I finish up and head to the room the nurse pointed out.

Posters of body parts hang on the wall
s. Pamphlets about Chlamydia and AIDS are pinned to a bulletin board in front of the table. Just what I want to look at.

I turn only to be staring at an enlarged
—at least I
hope
it’s enlarged—picture of the inner workings of a penis. What is—?

“Alexis,” the nurse says as she enters. “I’m going to take your blood pressure. Ask you some questions
, and then we’ll get started.”

“Okay.”

She wraps the blood pressure thingy around my arm and starts pumping. “Blood pressure is good. Now deep breath,” she says as she puts the cold round thing on my back.

“When was your last period?”

“Uh…Two weeks ago.”

“You’re here for pills today
. Are you currently sexually active?”

No let’s get to know you better? Just right to the point
, huh?

“No. Not currently.”

“But you’re planning on it.”

This is kind of personal. Does she r
eally need to know this stuff?

“Yes,” I mumble.

“Have you been previously sexually active?”

“No.”

“Would you like to discuss other options? Condoms? Diaphragm? Abstinence?”

“No. I’m good.” If I have questions
, I’ll just ask Kaylee. I’m sure she bled these people dry with questions the first time she was here.

“Good. Now if you’ll go ahead and get undressed from the waist down, then put this around you.” She holds up what looks like a big piece of folded paper. “And if you can just unhook your bra.”

Kaylee so did not fill me in on this. “O-Okay,” I stutter.

“The doctor will be in shortly.” The nurse leaves
, and I unbutton my jeans. How do I know no one is going to walk in on me? I pull the curtain around and hide behind it as I step out of my underwear. I take the oversized piece of folded paper and wrap it around my waist and quickly get on the table.

The paper on the table crunches as I sit
, and I lean from cheek to cheek to keep it from sticking.

Oh bra.
Duh
. I reach up and unsnap the hooks, and I wait. And wait. And wait. Is that penis getting bigger? Ten hours have passed. At least. Where the heck is this doctor? Does she know I’m sitting in here? Maybe I should just peek my head out and remind them I’m here.

My luck, the dang paper will fall off and I’ll be flashing the whole office. I’ll just wait. And wait. And wait.

I don’t really need pills. There are other options so I don’t have to be here. I’m sure Ryan has condoms. I mean it’s not being super, extra careful, but how many people have gotten pregnant from a condom malfunction? We’ll be okay.

The waiting is killing me. I’m leaving. I go to stand when there is a knock at the door and then the doctor steps in. Not like she is fashionably late. You can’t do much with a white coat and white pants, but her nails are so blah. But I guess she is sacrificing color for
being sterile.

“Alexis. I’m Dr. Bradford.”

“Hi,” I say with an awkward wave.

“I’m so sorry for the wait. I
was held up with another patient, and our other doctor has the flu, so it’s been a nightmare. But that’s no excuse. Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

“I’m ready to get this over with.”

“I’m going to try to make this as comfortable as possible. If you can just lie back on the table, we can get started and get you out of here in a jiffy.”

I do as she says. And before I know it her hand is up my shirt feeling me up. It was only a c
ouple months ago I let Ryan slide into this base, and she just jumps right on in. I feel like she should’ve bought me dinner first.

“You should be doing self checks. Just start at the center and go around. You are looking for any sort of lump
. Even the size of a pea.” She moves to the next before pulling her hands out and walks back to the counter. “If you can put your legs into the stirrups.” I slide down and place my feet in them . “Now I’m going to lubricate this up so it slides in easily.” She holds up a metal contraption.

Slides in easily? Where the heck does she plan on putting it?

“Once in”—she slides over on a chair in front of my open legs—“you will feel some pressure. This just makes it easier for me to make sure everything is okay. If you can just spread your legs.”

“Wait that’s going in
where
?”

***

An hour later I pull up to my house and get out of the car, legs spread apart since I’m pretty sure Dr. Bradford used an entire tube of lube, and it’s now sitting in my underwear.

The faster I get out of these things the better. I waddle down the hall. The bathroom door is shut, water running
. I give Mom credit. She’s trying to pretend everything is okay. But she’s not. The withdrawals are killing her. The reason why she relapsed, twice, but the second time it was only for a week. Roger pulled her out of it both times. That first day I walked into my living room and saw him I wanted nothing to do with him. But that day, when he came to help her, I jumped into his arms and cried. 

I
knock. It’s obvious she doesn’t want me to know, but I won’t let her go through this alone.

I
won’t
. Gooey undies and all.

I look at my
Pink
Before
You
Leap
as if my nail polish will give me the strength I need to see what’s on the other side of the door. What is my issue with doors today?