BEAST: A Bad Boy Marine Romance (26 page)

F
OR SEVENTY-TWO HOURS
, SHE WENT through a merciless detox. The paranoia had set in; it was brutal to watch her suffering, her body quivering. She had her rough moments, where she didn’t want to get out of bed—screaming, crying, and pleading for her next fix. She flipped from being a sweet, yet reserved girl, to a paranoid drug fiend.

Through it all, I tried to be there for her, give her anything she needed, talk her down from the highs, up from the lows. Her behavior didn’t upset or concern me. I knew she would get through this. She’d survived worse.

The heroin had finally left her body, like a ghost of her nightmare.

Kyle, Vic, Dave, and I all did our best to keep Gabriel occupied and away from Annie. During her lucid phases, she explained Gabriel’s grandmother and aunts watched him while she worked. So he was used to being away from her. They would have to rebuild their entire relationship once Annie was healthy.

Kyle, Vic, and I were crammed in the living area, watching television while Gabriel played with a cheap train set Dave had bought him. It didn’t even bother my brothers that they had given up their entire vacation leave to help this girl. I was thankful for them, for my training, and for my ability to have the tactical skills to save Annie.

“Vroom, vroom.” Gabriel pushed his little train around the tracks. “Pat, do it!”

I knelt on the floor. I knew the deal—Gabriel wanted me to race his train around the track with another train, but let him win.

The little boy let out a laugh. I was happy to see him smile, not sure of what kind of life he’d known back in the Caribbean. I had to admit, at first, I saw him as a burden. A living reminder of Annie’s ordeal. But now I saw him as this cute little boy, the light of Annie’s life.

I didn’t want to get attached to him or him to get attached to me. I couldn’t understand the men who dated my mom, played trains with me when I was his age, made me look up to them, and then abandoned us. I never knew where they went, and used to ask my mom when they would be coming back.

Annie awoke and walked into the living area. She played with Gabriel for a bit, then got him ready for bed, and put him to sleep in her room. Vic handed her water and her meds, and she pushed back her crazy hair and gave me that crooked smile I had first noticed in the lineup that day.

“How are you feeling?” She already look better; her skin brighter, her eyes wider.

She nodded her head. “Good. Better. Thanks for taking care of me.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Vic and Kyle headed up to the deck. I wanted to go and hang out with them. “We’re going to be home in two days. Are you excited?”

“No. Scared. Anxious. I don’t know how my parents will react to Gabriel.”

“They’ll love him. He’s a great boy.”

“You don’t understand. My parents are good people, but they aren’t that warm. My dad wants everything to be perfect, you know? A bastard child whose dad was a sex trafficker doesn’t really fit into that picture.”

I didn’t know what to say to reassure her. I was sure she was wrong, though. Who wouldn’t love that boy? It wasn’t his fault his father was a jackass. My father was a complete loser, also. And my mom would love any child I brought home, no matter what the circumstances were.

Annie’s eyes narrowed at me. “Why did you do this, Pat?”

“Do what?”

“Help me detox. I mean, Vic is giving me meds, but why do you hold me at night, rock me to sleep?”

I didn’t even know why myself. “You’ve been through enough. Gabriel needs his mom to be strong. You’re all he has—I killed his dad, who, granted, was a piece of shit. It’s the right thing to do.”

“So that’s it? You’re going to take me to my parents’ house, and I’ll never see you again?” Her voice trailed off.

“Yup. That’s the plan. I leave for training a week after you get back.” Truth was, I was stationed in Coronado, so when I came off deployment, I could technically see her again. Her family lived nearby in Encinitas. But that wouldn’t be a good idea. I trained sometimes eighteen hours a day and spent my time off at SEAL watering holes, like Danny’s Palm Bar & Grill. She wouldn’t find me hanging out at the country club with her friends that was for damn sure.

“What’s your deal? Why don’t you have a girlfriend or a wife? You’re a SEAL. All my sorority sisters would always go SEAL hunting in Coronado and drop their panties in seconds if there were any sightings. You’re gorgeous, sexy, selfless…any girl would be lucky to have you.”

Tell that to my ex. “Not really. I had a girl and she cheated on me. I’m a great SEAL, but I’m a lousy boyfriend. I’m never around, I can’t provide for anyone emotionally. I’m just not interested in a relationship. Not until I retire. I can’t be responsible for anyone else when I’m thousands of miles away. And my job is dangerous. I won’t get married while I’m in because if anything happened to me, I wouldn’t want to leave a kid without a dad, like mine did to me.”

She winced. Fuck, how could I’ve said that?

After an uncomfortable pause, she started again with her questions. “He was a SEAL, too?”

“No. He was a deadbeat who couldn’t take any responsibility for his actions.”

She put her hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. But I pushed it off. “I need to get some fresh air. I’ll be on the deck if you need anything.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Okay. Good night.” She went back into her cabin, lay in the bed and pulled the covers over her head.

I needed a break from her, from this intensity. I wanted everything to be normal, my normal, before I’d ever set foot in that brothel.

Safe on the deck with no child or woman, I sat on the deck.

Vic handed me a beer. “You good?”

“Yup.” I took a sip and sat down. I didn’t even know how to process all the emotions I was going through. It had been so long since I’d had to think about a woman’s fucking feelings.

Kyle grabbed his own beer and sat next to me. “So, she seems better. Have you tapped that yet?”

Vic just shook his head. “What this fucker means is you aren’t getting too close, are you?”

“Fuck that, Vic. I just want to know if he’s gotten laid. They’ve been alone plenty while we’ve been babysitting and Annie’s clearly in love with him. We’re trapped out in the middle of the ocean, with only one girl and three of us, four if you count Dave. If I’m not getting any, at least he should be. I mean, you’re sleeping in the same room with her every night. Those walls are thin, but damned if I don’t hear any headboards banging.”

“You’re both fucking idiots. She just detoxed off heroin. She’s a recovering sex slave. What kind of sick fuck would sleep with her right now knowing what she’s been through? I’m not in love and I’m not going to fuck her. Not now, not ever. Plus, I’d never do that to her little boy. I fucking killed his father. I’m not going to marry his mother. This isn’t Shakespeare. That boy’s going to be fucked up enough, he doesn’t need me popping in and out of his life. She’s not in love with me; she’s just attached to me because I saved her. She’ll forget all about me once she’s acclimated back to her life. She’s got someone waiting anyway. Probably. He says he is.”

Kyle laughed. “That chump girly-man surfer? Please. He can’t compete with you. You’re a motherfucking SEAL, asshole.”

Vic motioned his hand toward me as if he was my fucking therapist. “So, you’re trying to tell me you have no feelings for her? At all?”

“That’s what I’m saying. I don’t know her, really. I mean, half the time she’s out of her mind crazy, detoxing. The other half she’s all moody and withdrawn. She’s hot, for sure, but I don’t have a clue who she is. I don’t even think she knows who she is.”

“So you haven’t slept with her?” Kyle asked.

“Are you deaf? What the fuck did I just say? I mean, I fucking met her at a brothel and paid her to blow me. I seriously doubt she’s interested in any man after what she’s been through.”

Vic put his arm around me. “You’re a good man, Walsh. When you get back to San Diego after our next training, you guys can meet up again and see if you have any common ground.”

“Not going to happen. I don’t want to remind her of this. I was one of her clients. She and Gabriel need someone stable. And that sure as hell isn’t me.”

“But you deserve to be happy. Not all girls are going to cheat on you like Marissa did.”

“Whatever, man. Your wife cheated on you, too. I know hardly anyone in the Teams with a good marriage. The only guys who make it work are married to their high school sweethearts. Mine cheated on me, so game over. And it’s not just about that. Annie is so messed up. She’s going to need a man who can be with her, take care of her, and protect her. I can never be that man.”

Kyle pounded his beer and looked down toward the guest quarters. “That’s the thing. You rescued her. You’ve been taking care of her. You’re already that man, whether you like it or not.”

Shit. I came up here to relax. Now I wanted to jump overboard. Fucking idiots.

The three of us had spent so many hours together in silence, watching targets, waiting for action. They knew me better than I knew myself. I couldn’t deny the connection I had with Annie, the sense we were meant to find each other. I wasn’t talking about some crappy, romantic movie insta-love, just this intense feeling we were destined to be in each other’s lives. I saved her and her son. That was enough for me.

The gentle waves rocked beneath me. I lay down under the stars and drifted to sleep.

T
ONIGHT WAS
OUR LAST NIGHT together. Tomorrow, he would drive me to my parents’ house, and then vanish from my life. Move on to his next mission. Would I ever see him again?

For our last night, we ported in Ensenada, Mexico, though Pat wouldn’t let me get off the yacht and risk being seen. Kyle, Dave, and Vic had gone into town and taken Gabriel. I was grateful they all loved my little boy and were taking him somewhere fun before the inevitable media circus would make us prisoners in my own home. They’d be back later, but for the first time since this ordeal had begun, Pat and I were completely alone.

We sat at the tiny table in the corner of the room. Pat plugged in his phone so we had some music—classic rock not classical. I didn’t think he was trying to set a seduction scene, but it felt like a romantic date. He was so handsome and rugged. I saw him with fresh eyes—not the man who’d hired me to blow him, not the SEAL who rescued me, just this strong, sensitive, masculine man. A man who would kill to protect me—and he already had.

Pat had snuck out into town before the others left and brought in food from a local restaurant. He’d been raving this entire trip about how he couldn’t wait for me to try the lobster. Pretty sweet of him. Nearby Puerto Nuevo was a fishing village, which was famous for its lobster, so we had lobster, fresh homemade tortillas, and all the fixings. My taste buds were alive. It was the best food I’d had in years: the plump flesh of the lobster, the buttery tortillas, and the creamy guacamole. I was craving a strawberry margarita, but Pat didn’t think it was a good idea—he felt it was too soon for me to drink alcohol since I was recovering. But, all in all, it was a perfect meal. I guess it was kind of a celebration. A toast to getting my life back.

He poured me a glass of Mexican cola. “What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you get home?”

I lifted the glass and pressed my lips onto it. I felt his eyes watching me, watching my lips. “Oh, I don’t know. Sounds weird, but I don’t want to see my friends for a while. I’m sure they’re all going to act weird around me, or ask me all sorts of crazy questions that I don’t want to answer. Nicole used to joke that if we ever got rescued, it would be like winning the Super Bowl. You know, ‘You’ve just won the Super Bowl. What are you going to do next? I’m going to Disneyland.’ But that’s not really my thing. I’d love to take Gabriel to Lake Tahoe, walk around the lake. Something outside. I’ve been locked up for so long; I’m desperate to just get out, walk, hike, and bike on the trails. Be free.”

His mouth widened into a smile. “That’s exactly what I like to do in my free time. Anything out in nature, hiking, camping, exploring. I grew up going to Lake Tahoe every summer.”

“Oh? Really? Maybe we ran into each other? My parents have a vacation home in Incline Village.”

Pat shook his head. “They have a place in Incline? Sure they do. I doubt you ever saw me on your private beach. My mom made sure that even though money was always tight, she would save up enough for us to spend a week in a crappy motel in Lake Tahoe every summer. You know, the kind across the street from Denny’s with an above-ground pool.”

I started biting my nails. What an idiot I was, talking about my summer home. Pat clearly didn’t grow up with money. I never had considered myself a snob before I’d been taken, but I was quite aware my parents were pretentious. They expected me to marry a man from a stable two-parent home, the son of doctors or lawyers. I shivered; how would they ever accept Gabriel?

Pat’s eyes watched me. He was so in tune with my emotions. Was this from his training? I felt like he could read my mind.

He changed the subject. “I have a week in San Diego before we leave again. I’m just going to spend time with my dog, Trigger. He was one of our military dogs in Iraq. He’s a German Shepherd. Retired. Great dog. One of the SEAL BUD/S instructors takes care of him when I’m gone. Here’s a pic of him.”

He took out his iPhone and showed me a pic of a huge dog.

“He’s gorgeous. I want to meet him. Are you going home to visit your mom? Where are you from anyway?” I realized I didn’t know anything about Pat, except, of course, he was a SEAL.

“Sacramento. I was going to, but I don’t have any time. Have to get my life in order before we go. I’ve been gone for six months, then this one month leave, and we’re heading out for another three months.”

I pushed my food around my plate. “I’m sorry I took up all your vacation time.”

“Don’t be.” He took my hand across the table, shivers radiated through my body. I knew rationally that I was having feelings for him because he saved me, nothing more. But I couldn’t help the fact I’d dreamt of this beautiful man every night since I met him. I was sure he was destined to save me, destined to choose me. But the way he treated me during the boat ride, with kid gloves, also made me confident his only feelings toward me were those of protection, compassion, and pity.

“Pat, I’m scared of going home. I wish I could stay here on this yacht. With you.”

“Why are you scared? Your parents are going to be thrilled to see you. I can’t imagine their pain.” He paused and released my hand. “And your boyfriend has given interviews about how he’s still in love with you. I’m sure you two will run off and get married. Live happily ever after and have two point five kids with a minivan.”

“Chris? Please. I mean he’s a good guy. He’s a surfer, used to get high all the time. I feel really bad about everything he’s been through, people thinking he killed me and all. But I’m so different now. He’s not the type of man I can see myself with. I want to be with someone strong, caring, and brave.” I paused and took Pat all in. I wanted to know everything about this man. What he felt, what he thought, what made him tick? “You’re incredible, you know that, right? Not many men would’ve returned to save me.”

“You’re a job to me, Annie. A mission. An American. I’m a SEAL, this is what I do. Any of the other guys on the Teams would do the same thing. It doesn’t make me special.”

He saw me as nothing more than a mission. And his mission was almost over. “Have you ever been in love?”

He looked away. “Yup. Once. She cheated. End of story.”

No matter how hard I tried, he wouldn’t open up to me. “Whatever. There’s always more to the story. Maybe she cheated on you because you’re so closed off. I mean, I’ve been living with you for two weeks and you know everything about me. But I don’t know a thing about you. Except that you’re a SEAL. You never fail to remind me of that.”

“So, that’s an excuse to cheat on me? While I’m out getting shot at by the Taliban?”

“No, of course not. Not all girls cheat. I never cheated on Chris. But if you never let your ex in, she probably felt lonely. Like I feel now.”

“Fine, what do you want to know?”

He took a sip of his beer, his lips hovering over the glass. I imagined those lips on mine, what it would feel like to be desired instead of used. I had to push that thought out of my mind. “That’s not how it works. This isn’t an interrogation. I don’t want to know anything. I want to understand you.”

“I hate talking about myself, but if it’s important to you, I’ll try.”

He remained silent.

“Why did you want to become a SEAL?”

“They’re the best of the best. When I was a kid, one of my mom’s boyfriends threw her up against a wall and broke her shoulder. I wanted to kill that motherfucker. I guess I never wanted to feel powerless again.”

I choked back the tears, not willing to let him see me looking weak yet again. Would Gabriel have memories of his dad yelling at me? Forcing me to take drugs? Seeing me walk down the hallway with different men and disappearing for hours?

Pat was staring at me again with that look where he was trying to anticipate my thoughts. “I admire your strength. I don’t know how many women could go through what you went through and still be able to smile.”

A rush of desire overtook me. I wanted this man, couldn’t stop fantasizing about him. I didn’t want him to look at me as a victim—I wanted him to see me as a woman.

I glanced around the room, then fixated on him. It was our last night together; would I ever see him again? I had nothing to lose. “Pat, I have one favor to ask.”

He didn’t hesitate. “Anything. Shoot.”

My mouth widened into a smile, and I moistened my lips. “Make love to me.”

His eyes bugged out, and he shifted in his seat. “Annie, you’re beautiful, and in any other situation,
any other situation
, I would love to make love to you. But we can’t go there. I don’t want to hurt you. And I’m incapable of offering you any more than a one-night stand and you deserve more. I deploy at least nine months out of the year. When I’m home, I’m so tired from training. Your first experience after this nightmare should be special.”

My lips parted, I stood up and walked over to him. “I know what I want. I understand your job. For the past five years, I’ve been forced to have sex with strangers, do unthinkable things. Drugged out of my mind.” I leaned into him and ran my fingers through his hair. “Don’t let the last memory I have of being with a man, be of someone who paid for me. Someone I was unable to reject. I want you. I choose you. Make me feel good.”

For a second, I thought he would take me up on my offer. His eyes looked at me with hunger; I could see him growing with desire. My hand inched up his thigh and I stroked him. I wanted to feel him inside of me; for him to make me scream his name and make me come. I wanted to feel pleasure rush over my body, maybe hoping one amazing orgasm with a man who I had feelings for, however misguided, would wash away the sea of hurt that had been my life.

He stood up abruptly. “I can’t, Annie. I can’t. It’s not because I don’t want to, because I do. I’d love to pleasure you. I care about you, and your son. Nothing good can come out of this. You need to heal and move on. This will only confuse you. I’m sorry.”

He walked over to the bathroom and closed the door. I could hear the water run.

I knew he was doing what he thought was right. Trying not to hurt and damage me. But I deserved love. Would every man I ever developed feelings for be so afraid to hurt me that he would decide it was easier to walk away? Would I ever find love again? I hunched over in my chair, dejected and alone, again.