BEAST: A Bad Boy Marine Romance (29 page)

M
Y HAND TREMBLED
AS I twisted up one more coat of mascara onto my eyelashes. Since I’d been back home, I almost never put on makeup. It reminded me of being at the brothel. But I wanted to look nice for Pat. I was meeting him in a half an hour. Was this a date? It felt like a date, whatever I imagined a date would feel like. I wouldn’t really know—Chris and I just fell into a relationship in high school. He even recently confessed to me that he was planning on proposing on our last night on the vacation. I still loved him, I would always love him—he was my first, the only man I’d been with until I was taken. But there was too much pain and sadness between us. The guilt of what had happened to me wrecked him. He blamed himself, if only he’d awoken, or we hadn’t been drunk, he was sure that he could’ve prevented my kidnapping. I didn’t blame him, at all. But we had nothing left. Years of wondering, suspicion, longing had squashed any chances of us finding happiness.

But with Pat it was different. I felt different. He was so sexy, beautiful, deep. Loyal and committed. His strong arms, sexy mouth, my mind ran wild imagining him making love to me. Though I knew he felt guilt for hiring me, I knew in his fucked up mind he felt that hiring a hooker was safe for him emotionally. No promises. No disappointments. But he could never disappoint me.

I walked out of my bathroom, and into the family room, where my parents were watching television, Gabriel playing quietly on the floor.

My father gave me a hard glance. “You look nice. Date with Chris?”

His voice was almost hopeful. His sad blue eyes broke my heart. I knew it just killed him to see me, imagine what I’d been through. And Gabriel was just a reminder to him of my ordeal, despite how hard he tried to love him. My father couldn’t even look at Gabriel. Daddy’s little girl died on that vacation. “No, Dad. We’re meeting Pat. He’s taking us to a barbeque with the other guys who saved us.”

He let out a pained breath. “You’re meeting him? He doesn’t even have the decency to pick you up at your home and meet me?”

“Dad, stop. It’s not like that. He’s embarrassed about how we met. If I continue to see him, you’ll meet him. He’s a good guy, I swear.”

He pointed at me. “He’s a good SEAL, Annie. Don’t confuse his job proficiency with his character. Remember where you met him, how he hired you for his selfish needs. No morals. No ethics. I’m surprised he made it through BUD/S. He’s not the type of man you want around your son.”

“Well, he’s a helluva improvement from Gabriel’s real dad.” That ought to shut him up.

My dad just shook his head and walked away. My parents’ constant newfound concern for and control over me irked me to no end. What were they trying to protect me from? I’d already lived the worst life imaginable.

I brushed Gabriel’s hair, put on his shoes, and we walked out of our door, toward the coffee house. Toward Pat. I was so nervous. Seeing him two days ago had brought back all the feelings I’d had on the ship. It was real—not just some misplaced affection for my savior. He cared about me, and Gabriel. He’d seen me at my worst. Yet he looked at me with desire, not disgust. Not as some used up heroin addicted whore, but as a woman, as a mother. A survivor.

I wanted him. I wanted to make him feel love, make him trust me. I would never cheat on him. If he would only give me a chance. Give us each a chance to build a new life together. Based on truth. How could I ever be with anyone who didn’t understand and accept my former life? Star is a part of me. I don’t want to forget her. The kidnapping happened. I was a sex slave. That is my past—but I won’t let it define my future.

I
ARRIVED
AT LOFTY COFFEE twenty minutes early. I didn’t want to be late. My stomach was in knots—this felt like going on a first date, and I didn’t date. Annie still hadn’t arrived, so I slipped out the door to The Den, a boutique next store. I wanted to buy her something.

The designer clothes and lingerie weren’t what I was looking for. Then something caught my eye at the counter. “I’ll take this.”

The shop girl grabbed the item and packaged it up. “Is this for your girlfriend?”

I couldn’t tell if she was hitting on me, but I didn’t care. “Something like that.”

I paid, and went back to the coffee shop.

Annie had arrived but hadn’t noticed me yet. She and Gabriel were standing in line.

I couldn’t resist checking her out. She was wearing a pale peach dress that clung to her body. I couldn’t tell if she had a bra on or one of those camisoles. Either way, I could see the outline of her nipples. I clenched my fists and tried to reconcile this beautiful woman standing in front of me with the traumatized hooker I’d first laid eyes on. A mixture of shame for how I met her with pride at how she’d recovered filled my mind.

I leaned into her and kissed her, not caring about my own objections. The words spilled out of my mouth, the look on her face made me happy as I said them. “I’m glad you came to greet me off the ship. Honestly, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

She touched my face, her fingers tracing my beard. “I missed you, too.”

We ordered two cold-drip iced coffees and chocolate milk for Gabriel.

Annie was turned toward the coffee bar adding milk and sugar to our drinks. Some dickhead handed her the plastic covers and said something to her to make her blush. I wanted to punch him.

She handed me my coffee. Her cheeks were red.

I put my arm around her, grabbed Gabriel’s hand, and headed back to my truck.

I texted Vic and told him we were on our way. I really wanted to see how she would act around the other Team guys and their wives. I wasn’t trying to test her, yet I couldn’t help but be curious if there was any possibility she’d ever fit into my world. I mean, I was still going to ship out and be away from her again, without a doubt. But it was like there was a part of me that wanted to know for sure, wanted to see how stupid any vague lingering idea of us…. No. This could never work, no matter how much we might both want it. I’d used her once; I was one of her johns. And despite her claiming she was better, she was probably too emotionally damaged to be in a relationship.

God, she looked hot in her dress.

Forty minutes later, we arrived at Vic’s family’s house. The smell of cumin and lime wafted from the backyard.

I didn’t need to knock. We walked around the back and opened the gate.

About twenty other Team guys, plus their wives and kids, were milling around the yard. There was one of those bouncy houses for the kids. Gabriel’s eyes widened. I wasn’t sure if he was used to kid centric parties; somehow I doubted Annie’s parents had fully embraced him, but I honestly didn’t have a clue.

Vic spotted us. He poked Kyle to get his attention and they both came over.

“Annie! You look great.” Vic hugged her. “Thanks for coming.”

A hug wouldn’t satisfy Kyle. “Hey, sweetheart!” He lifted her in the air. She seemed more excited to see him than she had to see me. Not that I had anything to worry about—we never ever hit on another Team guy’s woman. “How’ve you been? Where are all the hottie friends you promised me?”

She smiled. “I’ll hook you up.”

Vic’s mother walked over to us, his daughter Carina trailing behind her.

“Mama, this is Annie and her son Gabriel,” Vic told her.

“Hola, mija. Bienvenida.”
I loved Vic’s mom; she was like a second mother to me. She never hesitated to make food for an entire SEAL Team or drive downtown in the middle of the night to pick one of us up if we were smashed.

“Encantada, Señora Gonzales. Soy Analía.”

Vic’s mom seemed impressed by Annie’s fluent Spanish. Three-year-old Carina looked up at Annie and then back at Gabriel. Vic’s little princess was adorable—huge brown eyes, long wavy hair tied up in a bow. I admired how he made her his top priority when he was in town, knowing that as long as he remained in the Teams, they would spend more time apart than together.

“You wanna see my dolls?” Carina asked Gabriel.

Gabriel nodded.

Carina led Gabriel into the house, and Vic’s mom went to the kitchen.

Our Teammate Joe’s wife Tori walked over, carrying a tray of beers. Tori was a SEALs dream woman. Gorgeous, great mom, faithful. They’d been high school sweethearts. Joe had just been selected for SEAL Team Six, our most elite Team and was currently deployed. No doubt, his success was directly attributed to the love and support of his wife.

“Annie, this is Tori. Her husband Joe is one of my best friends. He’s deployed.”

Tori reached out her hand. “Hi, Annie. Nice to meet you. How did you meet Pat?”

Annie pulled on her hair, her face now white.

Fuck, we hadn’t prepared for questions. I was about to open my mouth, but Annie started talking.

“Pat picked me out of a line-up . . . . at a country bar and asked me to dance, said I was the prettiest girl there.”

I spit out my beer. “Annie was the most beautiful girl that night for sure, but she’s also a champion soccer star and a great mom. I fell for her the moment I met her.” I winked at Annie.

“Well, you must be pretty special, Annie. Pat never brings anyone around us. Ever. I’ve known him for eight years. He’s a good guy, saved my husband’s life. Why don’t you come over and I’ll introduce you to the other wives.”

Annie looked up at me, as if asking for permission. I squeezed her hand and she and Tori walked over to the other women.

Kyle gave me a devilish grin. “Couldn’t stay away from her for a day. We’ve been back, what, five hours? Have you already hit that?”

“Two days, asshole. You saw her greet me at the dock. Welcome home sign and everything.”

Vic raised his eyebrow. “What’s the problem? You wanted to see her anyway.”

I glanced over near the pool; Annie was sitting at a table chatting with the other women. She gave me a big smile and waved at me. “Yeah, I did. But, I mean, she has Gabriel, and we’ll leave again soon. I don’t want to confuse him; poor kid’s been through enough.”

Vic jumped in. “Walsh, she wants you. She’s a good girl. And she’s gorgeous. You have nothing to lose. Stop being such a closed-off prick and give her a chance.”

I was going to respond, but Annie walked over to me carrying a plate of food.

She smiled and I couldn’t help but think even though I didn’t fit in her life, she sure seemed at home in mine.

A
FTER A FEW HOURS
AT the party, I was about to leave and take Annie and Gabriel home. Carina had worn Gabriel out playing house, and the little guy was passed out on the floor.

Vic’s mom whispered.
“Pobrecito, mijo.”

“Why don’t you and Annie go somewhere? Let Gabriel sleep. If he wakes while you’re gone, I can keep him entertained,” Vic offered.

“Oh. I don’t know. Are you sure that’s okay?” Annie crinkled her brow.

“Yeah, I’ll just be cleaning up. We’ll be fine.”

“Okay. But we’ll only be gone for an hour.”

“Don’t worry about it—take your time.”

I was excited and nervous to get alone time with Annie. I didn’t even know where to take her. I decided I’d show her around the SEAL base, since it was close by the back roads. It was private, beautiful, and where I spent the majority of my life. As we drove in my beat-up black truck from Chula Vista through Imperial Beach on our way to Coronado, I couldn’t shake the gnawing feeling that I shouldn’t push her away. I’d been alone for so long, I didn’t even know what my life would be like with a girlfriend.

The view of the Silver Strand beach was on our left and Annie stared out the window.

“You okay?”

She blinked back tears. “Yup.”

I touched her thighs, sliding my hand in between them. Not to start anything, just to touch her. It would take me a lifetime to comprehend what she’d been through.

“Tell me.”

“It’s nothing.”

“I want to know.”

Her hands shook. “I was having fun at the party, just being normal. Everyone was so nice to me. But I kept thinking they were all looking at me. No one brought up the fact I’ve been on the cover of every magazine, flashed across all the news networks. I haven’t been out in public much. Everyone must think I’m this bitch who abandoned her family and let her boyfriend become a suspect for murder, just to run off.”

I had no idea she’d felt everyone was judging her. “First, none of that is true. If you want to ever want to tell anyone what really happened to you, I support you. Any of them who recognized you probably think you had a good reason to vanish and were in awe of your strength. And all the other Team guys were jealous I had the hottest girl there.”

“Thanks, Pat. You’re full of shit, but I appreciate your effort.”

We pulled in to the Naval Amphibious base, and I decided to give her a quick tour. When I showed her the obstacle course, her eyes got wide. “I want to try it.”

“Who are you, GI Jane?”

“I could do it. I don’t quit.”

Totally off limits to chicks, I stared at the course. Some of my toughest memories were climbing a rope, carrying logs over my head, maneuvering under barbed wire, and scaling walls. I didn’t think women should ever be allowed to train as SEALs. Call me a misogynist asshole, but why can’t men just be men? Like, we couldn’t even have porn anymore because we couldn’t risk offending women. Fuck that. But the thought of seeing Annie, dirty and sweating, writhing on the ground, and begging me for mercy, made me willing to make an exception.

“Maybe someday I’ll let you try. If you’re a good girl.” I wanted to smack her tight little ass, but I didn’t want to disrespect her. I imagined taking her from behind, dominating her, making her scream my name. But after what she had been through, I was also worried about scaring her. Any sexual experience with her had to be slow, sensitive, and all about her.

We found a secluded spot on the beach. Most of the tourists had deserted by then and we were blessedly alone, shrouded by the trees and warmed by the remnants of the sun. As the sun began to set, I threw a blanket down, pulled Annie on it, and wrapped her in my arms. Whatever this was, she felt right there, like she belonged. Her hair smelled like vanilla, and it drove me wild remembering the night I had her wrapped around me.

“You know, I never was a beach bunny. Chris surfed, and my girlfriends spent all their time down here sunbathing, but it was never my thing. Once I was taken, though, every time I had a chance to look outside, I would try to see the ocean. It meant freedom to me. A way off the island.”

“I actually hate the ocean. You’d think as SEALs, most of us would love it. But after going through Hell Week, spending all that time training while being wet and sandy, the last thing we want to do is spend our free time near the beach.”

She squeezed my knee and smiled slowly. “I’d love to see you wet and sandy.”

Grrr. I wanted to make her wet, but not from the ocean. From my mouth, from my hands, from my cock.

“Tori seemed nice.”

“Yup. She’s amazing. Great woman. Joe lucked out.”

“You saved him?”

I paused. I never talked about my missions with anyone, other than fellow SEALs. But I trusted Annie. Completely. “Yeah. Two years ago, we were in Afghanistan. We were deep undercover. I’d made the call to let some unarmed Afghani civilians go, which is protocol. But we were ambushed. We lost a few men, good men. Joe was wounded, but I dragged him to safety.”

Her hand glided along my shoulder, a soft comforting touch. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t need to. Normally, I would push away any form of sympathy; my machismo thought that expressing my feelings made me weak. But I liked being vulnerable with Annie. I’d seen her at her worst; she could see me at mine.

I reached into my pocket and took out a small box. I shoved it in her hands. “Here. I got this for you, to replace the shitty one I bought you in Aruba.”

She opened the box and pulled out a tiny necklace. It was a small, gold trident. Our symbol. My code.

“I love it! Thank you, Pat.” She turned her back to me and I unhooked the necklace I’d given her.

“Wait. Stop. I want to wear that one also.”

“Why? It’s cheap. Cost me fifty cents.”

She clutched the old necklace to her chest and the sight caused me to feel oddly protective. “But it’s worth fifty thousand dollars to me. It gave me hope. Hope that you would return and save me.”

I hooked it back on and placed the other one around her neck. “I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re so resilient.”

“I couldn’t give up. I had to give Gabriel a chance at a future.”

I took her hand. “I leave again in six weeks. For three months. After that, I’m not sure how long I’ll be back here until our next mission.”

“I don’t care, Pat. One thing I learned in captivity was to not focus on the future or the past. Just take one day at a time. I’m happy with you today. We don’t need to plan out the rest of our lives. As long as you want to be with me now, that’s enough for me. I waited for five years for someone to save me. I’d wait another five years for you to come back home to me. I’d never cheat on you—”

“I know you wouldn’t cheat—I wasn’t worried about that. It’s more complicated. I’ll never see you.” I needed her to really get what life being with me would be like. There was no happily ever after in store for us. Longing, heartache, loneliness. That was all I could provide.

“I can’t connect with anyone back home. My parents, my friends, Chris. It’s so crazy. Everyone expects me to be who I was before I left—like I can just slip back into my old life. But I’m not the same person. And I’m also not some careless girl who ran away for five years. I’m a woman. I want to fall in love. I want to take control over my body. I want to feel pleasure. Those men took five years of my life and I won’t allow them to take a second more. Being kidnapped was something horrible that happened to me, but I refuse to make it define me. And I have the greatest gift from that experience. Gabriel. I hate to be a bitch, but I hear my friends whining about stupid stuff, like not having enough money for new clothes, or their boyfriends spending too much time with their friends. Who gives a fuck? I mean, I was raped every day for five years. I’m a recovering heroin addict. That will be a part of who I am for the rest of my life.”

I shook my head; she had to listen to me. “I hear what you’re saying, but I can’t give you what you need. As much as I want to. You will always be lonely. There will be days, weeks where you won’t know if I’m alive or dead. And you have Gabriel. He needs a constant presence in his life.”

“I’d never be lonely with you. You are here in my heart. I’m trying to tell you that with you, I don’t have to explain myself, apologize for what happened, or lie about the past. You know what I’ve been through, and you’re still here. You don’t see me as a victim. You see my strength.”

“I don’t want you to be anything other than what feels right to you, Annie. You’re perfect just the way you are and no one or nothing can change that. You proved that by surviving.”

She was angled in my lap with her legs thrown over mine, her head resting against my chest and in that moment I realized I didn’t want whatever it was between us to end. I wasn’t ready to call it love. All I knew was I wasn’t ready to let her go.

“That means a lot to me. I hate lying to everyone and even my parents act awkward whenever I’m around. My dad won’t even look at Gabriel. You’re the only one who seems to treat me like a person.”

The breeze coming off the water surrounded us with the salty sea air, like a warm cocoon. With the lock of her gaze on mine, the rest of the world seemed to fade away and it was just us, wrapped in each other. “I want to make this work.”

She pulled out of my arms and her brows creased. “You do?”

It had just slipped out, but the more that I thought about it; the more I was growing to like the idea. The time without her those first few months had been hell and the more I was around her, the more I wanted to throw caution to the wind.

“I’m serious.” I pushed a lock of hair off her forehead, tucked it behind her ear. “I know I said I didn’t want for us to take this any farther than the boat, but apparently nothing stops you, which I admire more than anything. I do enjoy spending time with you and Gabriel. I want you.” I moved my lips just a hairsbreadth from hers and I felt her deep inhalation at my declaration.

She smiled and her delicate hand drew up to press against my cheek in a soft caress. “I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I don’t know how or where this is going to go, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking of you. You’re the only one I feel comfortable with.”

I pressed my lips to hers. I poured every ounce of pent up lust and frustration into the kiss. My hand on her waist crushed her to me, the other tilting her head to the side to take the kiss deeper.

Her hand shifted into my hair to hold me against her and the kiss turned emotional, softer, more loving.

The fabric of the dress she wore billowed out around us, concealing the motion, though the beach was pretty much deserted. I shifted, sliding my hands down the slope and dip of her hips and wrapped around to grab her tight ass. I clenched and gripped to guide her movements, pressing her more firmly against me with each slide.

I wanted to take her then and there, connect with her completely. I hadn’t had sex in a year and even then it was a one-night stand before I left for deployment and met Annie. I didn’t even remember the girl’s name. Jamie? Janie? But I had a feeling a year from now, ten years from now, I would remember this moment, just as I could recall our kiss on the boat. There was something about this girl, the way she focused on me, and saw right through me.

And that’s exactly why I stopped. My hands dropped and my lips detached from hers.

“Don’t stop, Pat. I want you.”

“Hey, I’m right here, babe. I’m dying to be with you, but not like this. I want it to be perfect, romantic. Not on some beach. There’s no rush. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Relax, I’m not a virgin. We don’t have to wait.”

I didn’t laugh. “It’s not just about you. I told you; I was raised by a single mom. I refuse to pop in and out of Gabriel’s life, any more than I have to because of my job. We just started dating. I’m not going to make love to you until I can commit to you and Gabriel. Once I commit, I do it one hundred percent. If we are going to make this work, we need to base this relationship on something other than the fucked up way we met.”

She threw her arms around my neck. “That’s the sweetest thing I ever heard.”

I kissed her again. It was like a relationship in reverse. She’d sucked my dick before I even knew her name. I only had one choice now. Go slow. So slow it would hurt. “Let’s go. Just in case Gabriel wakes up.”

She stood up, dusted the sand off her dress, and we walked back to my truck. It was late and I had to pick up Gabriel and take them both back to her home. And I knew now I wouldn’t be able to put off meeting her parents much longer.