Beautiful Illusions (10 page)

It wouldn’t be long until we were kicked out.

I sighed. We were certainly off to a rocky start, although the highs with this guy had certainly been worth it. I was impressed, however, with how he was handling this situation. Here was a woman who was on a roller coaster of emotions, going from yelling to crying, and he was not losing his cool at all. It was quite a bit different from the first time, when I heard him yelling on the phone with her.

I caught him looking back at me, his face clearly say
ing “Help!” I stayed rooted where I was, though. I figured that he would come to me when he is ready to. It was not my place to interrupt.

Now he was finally com
ing towards me, Alexis in tow.
Was she there all alone?
“Uh, Iris, uh, I need to take Alexis home. I hope you don’t mind if she comes with us in the car.”

I didn’t protest. I simply nodded my head.

He looked grateful. “Thank you so much for understanding.” Glancing over at Alexis, Ryan said “Alexis apparently came here by cab.”

Yeah, of course she came here by cab
. She knew that you would have to drive her home.
I looked at Alexis. She looked devious. I wondered how she knew where we were. I also felt that it was presumptuous that Ryan believed that my acquiescence was equivalent to understanding. I simply didn’t protest. I really didn’t understand.

The three of us made our way to the Escalade, the dogs being hauled by me on leashes. Ryan made no attempt to hold my hand, of course. He barely even walked with me
. Alexis was walking very close to him, trying to cling on to his arm, but I could tell that he wasn’t having it. I could just imagine what was going through his mind at this point. My heart went out to him.

To my surprise, my heart went out to her, as well
.

We made our way towards my apartment, to my dismay, in silence.
I’m being dropped off first? Not a good sign. Not a good sign at all.
Alexis was in the front seat, and I was in the back with the dogs. Not really sure how that was arranged, or how that happened. Of course, I didn’t speak up for myself. I really didn’t feel that I was in a position to do so. I had only known him for a week. Alexis was with him for at least two years, and they had, and lost, a child together.

Ryan dropped me off.
He opened the door, and I got out. Alexis was in the front seat, glaring at us both. He kissed me on the forehead. “I’m so sorry for this,” he whispered. “I’ll see you later.”

At that, he got back into driver’s side, backed up the Escalade, and drove off.

Awkward parting
was starting to become a pattern.
As it turned out, the last awkward parting was my fault. This time, I knew that I did nothing wrong. I sighed. I was surprisingly not that upset. After all, the last time I left him, I assumed I would never see him again. I wasn’t going to jump to that conclusion this time. I did realize that I was on a roller coaster, but I preferred to stay on it for now and see it through.

I hope he feels the same way.

I half expected him to appear at my apartment again that night, after talking Alexis down off the ledge.

However, that didn’t happen
.

He did, however, appear at my apartment the next day. “I was hoping you’d be home,” he s
aid, as I let him in the door. “I’m so sorry for the drama. I’m also sorry that I keep dropping in on you.”

That’s ok. The apartment’s clean this time.
I had actually just gotten finished with my laundry – I couldn’t sleep the previous night because of what happened at the park, so I decided to be constructive and get my laundry done. All five loads of it. I ended up washing all the clothes which were thrown on the closet floor, and they were now hung up or put into drawers, depending on the type of clothes they were. I also was able to sort out my dry clean only clothes from the pile, and these were stuffed into a garbage bag. This garbage bag was by the door, so that I hopefully wouldn’t forget to take them to the cleaner’s the next time I was out and about.

“Actually, that isn’t a problem,
” I said, referring to him dropping in on me again.

He looked relieved and surprised. “I can’t believe that you’re not infuriated after what happened last night.”

“I could tell that Alexis was very emotional. I could also tell that you were in a bind.”

He looked at me
, then kissed me passionately. “You’re an amazing woman.”

I smiled. “Thanks, you’re an amazing guy.”

We went out onto my balcony, and sat down, my feet up on the wooden rail. I had prepared some iced tea. I was drinking way too much lately, and had to take a break.

I looked at him, expectantly. He wasn’t saying anything, just staring straight ahead
.

“Uh, how do I say this to you….” He started to open his mouth to say something, thought better of it, then resumed to staring straight ahead
.

I started to feel worried.
I naturally figured that whatever he was trying to say, it was not going to be good news for me. I immediately felt selfish for thinking this thought. He’s going through something terrible, it’s probably even worse than it looks, and I was only thinking of myself.

But that wasn’t really true. My heart went out to him, as well. I was not yet in love with him, although I knew that I would get there if I let my guard down. However, at this point, with all the drama and the secrets, it was impossible to trust him completely
.

Staring at his glass of iced tea- it was an actual glass this time, I am proud to say - Ryan began with “I’ve known Alexis for a l
ong time. Since middle school. We dated off and on in college. She was at Yale when I was at Harvard.” That surprised me. She didn’t really look like the academic type.

“Go on.”

“She and I…” He took a deep breath. “Well, let’s just say that I’ve not always been as, as, as….clean as I am now.” I furrowed my brow. The message was somewhat cryptic, and could mean any number of things. He was shaking. The ice was rattling in his glass. He also was playing with his thick hair, his dominant left hand running through his mane, again and again. He was not making eye contact at all.

He took an enormous breath and went on. “Well, you know, there’s a lot of money in prep sch
ools, and a lot of bored kids. Most of us were less supervised than we should have been. I was no exception.”

Another deep breath.
He went on, not looking at me. Then, he did look at me. “Um, Iris, I feel that I could have something really special with you. That’s why I’m here. I feel that I need to come clean with a few things about my past. If I didn’t see a future with you, I wouldn’t be here right now. It would just be so much easier just to pretend that last night didn’t happen, and it would be so much easier for me to walk away from you, as opposed to having to tell you these things.”

Things? There’s more than one issue?

“Um, Alexis and I…we were very much into…Oh, Christ, I need to just come out and say it. It’s a part of my past, it isn’t me now, it isn’t a big deal.” Huge breath. His visibly shaking hand once again smoothed his thick dark hair.

Huge breath. “We were heroin addicts. There, I said it.”

I nodded. “When?”

“From age 17 until age 25
. I kicked it with methadone. She still struggles.”

So, he was a heroin addict until just 8 years ago
. And he was an addict for 8 years.

\
He looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. Surprisingly, I had very little reaction. I guess because I felt that I had seen it all in my lifetime, and this really wasn’t a big deal.

“You haven’t done this since you were 25?”

He looked pained. “I, I, I, I….” Now he was shaking again. “I hhhadd a relapse, uh, last week.”

I looked at him, not saying a word
. He went on. Another huge breath. “I went to see her last week. She called me last Sunday, as you remember, before you woke up. Well, she called back, the next day, and told me that she had taken pills and she was waiting to die. So, I went straight over to her house.” He shook his head and continued. “I don’t know why I allow her to still manipulate me like that. Anyhow, she was actually fine.”

I raised my eyebrow. This was getting interesting.

“I was pissed. But she had some high grade stuff, laying out on her coffee table. She, she threatened me. She told me that she was going to go ahead with taking all the pills she had in her house if I left her that day. And she threatened me that she was going to do this if I didn’t shoot up with her.”

“So you-“

“I’m not proud of it.” He sighed. “The good news is, I seem to be well past the addiction. I had no desire to continue after that.”

I chose to believe him about this
.

He went on. “Trust me, after all Alexis and I have been through, it has been tough on both of us to stay clean. She’s done it, just barely. She white-knuckles it, so she relapses all the time. I’ve completely kicked it, and I know now, more than ever, that I’ve no desire to go back to the way I was.”

I made a face. “You still love this woman?”

He looked perplexed. “No, why?”

“I guess I just don’t know why you would sacrifice your sobriety for her games.”

“I don’t really know, either. I guess I always believe her when she says that she’s on the edge. I wouldn’t want that on my conscience – that I could’ve helped her and didn’t.”

“Yeah, but Ryan, there’s helping her, and then there’s intentionally self-destructing because she’s manipulating you.”

He looked ashamed.

I didn’t say anything more. The guy no doubt had beat himself up enough about it.
I just hope that the drugs really are in the past.

And there’s more, I know that there is.
But the confession of his addiction seemed to take a lot out of him, and I could tell that there would be no more heart-wrenching admissions coming from him today.

We sat in silence for awhile, drinking our iced tea. I didn’t tell him that I had Googled his father that morning. I couldn’t remember his father’s  name, but when Alexis said the name “Benjamin” last night, it struck a chord
. So, I Googled his father, using the search terms “CEO”, plus the name of the utility company, plus the years that Ryan had told me that his dad was active, and I found out that his name was Benjamin Whitney. I felt a little amused that, up until then, I didn’t know Ryan’s last name. I figured it probably was also Whitney, although I couldn’t be positive.

As casually as possible, I said “Well, what’s past is past
. I do, however, want you to be honest with me about this. If you ever feel that you are relapsing, please tell me. I’ll help you, I promise. I won’t judge you.”

He looked grateful “You probably think that I am a basket case
. Therapy, drugs, a crazy ex-wife.”

And there’s more still, I know it
. For one thing, there’s somebody named Nick. But what else?

“Hey, we all have our cross to bear.”

I knew that I was, once again, taking a risk by taking it all too lightly, but I wanted to move on to more serious concerns. Like what he was hiding from me. The drug thing was kind of bad, but, if I was to believe what he is telling me, it was pretty much in the past. So it wasn’t that big of a deal. But I sensed that there was another, larger, bombshell on the horizon. I just didn’t know how to get it out of him just yet.

He smiled the wan, distracted smile I saw that one Sunday after the screaming match with Alexis
. Now I knew Alexis was not only a gold-digger, but was also crazy.

Yet, somehow, I was going to try to hold on to Ryan the best that I could.

How to bring up the father? I have a feeling that the father had something to do with what Ryan is hiding from me.
Casually, I said “I hope you don’t mind, but I was fascinated about what you told me the other night about your dad.”

His face instantly changed. Panic, fear, anger all flashed through his eyes
. I wondered why he didn’t have a hard time talking about him the other night. Come to think of it, he really didn’t say much about him, except that he was a retired CEO of Flash Utility, being active from 1975 to 2003, then left it at that.

“What was fascinating about it?” His voice had a hard edge to it now. He sounded demanding, sarcastic.

“Well, you didn’t tell me much. I, I, I’m trying to find out more about you.”

“You don’t need to know about my father to find out more about me.”

I suddenly felt that I was wrong to Google the man. But the morning when he was talking in his sleep, begging his father to stop something, made me want to find out more about Benjamin Whitney.

“Well, I Googled him…”

That was a mistake. I suddenly saw rage in Ryan’s eyes. Then he looked away.

I went on “You know, it occurred to me, after looking up your dad, that I didn’t know your last name.”

“You still don’t know my last name.” His voice was very hard-edged.