Beautiful Illusions (16 page)

I had to admit, he was sweet
. I hoped that what was revealed would not be a deal-breaker, although I was very nervous about it.

Dinner was delicious, as usual. He made one of my favorite meals – potato gnocchi with sage butter, goat cheese and walnuts
. It was savory and produced an orgasm in my mouth. He served it with a simple Caesar Salad with homemade croutons and homemade dressing. Dessert was Zabaglione with fresh raspberries. We went through a bottle of some of the finest wine from his winery.

After that meal, I was feeling better
.

He led me up to the master bathroom. This was a magnificent bathroom with a sunken tub
. We took off our clothes and climbed into the tub. He had run the bath to just the right temperature, and made sure that there were lots of bubbles. He lined up some of my favorite songs on the iTunes collection, and they were piping through the speakers in the bathroom. We drank wine and relaxed in the enormous tub.

He gently massaged my shoulders with massage oil while he sat behind me in the tub
. He shampooed my hair, giving me a gentle scalp massage. I leaned forward a bit, and he started to rub my back with the oil. His hands massaged my back, then my shoulders, then my neck.

“Ooh, you are so tense,” he said, his hands gripping my shoulders, trying to work out the knots
. Yes, I was tense, but the tension was gradually starting to get better with every grip of his strong hands. We relaxed in the bathtub for a couple of hours, as I raised my feet out of the bath from time to time to keep from pruning too much. The water never got cold, as the tub had a built-in heating unit, similar to a hot tub.

After the bath, I lay down on our bed, while Ryan massaged my back with the oil, and the back of my legs. He massaged my calves and my feet, spending a good deal of time on each body part
. I felt that I was having a professional massage. That was how good it felt. Then I lay on my back, and he massaged my thighs and my arms. I was starting to completely relax when he started kissing me passionately. He made love to me, tenderly, slowly, like we were on the first night. I didn’t want it to end. We ended up making love for hours, tenderly, passionately, slowly. We were comfortable together, more comfortable than that first night, and we were starting to find out what each other enjoyed. He had hinted, more than once, that he loved the butt play that I gave him that first night, so I made it a point to do that on a regular basis. So, I fingered him slowly while he moved inside of me.

He groaned. “Stop, I’m close. I want to make this last longer.
” I stopped. “I’m sorry. I just want to last inside of you. That turns me on so much that I can’t control myself.” That was fine.

After we had made love for hours on the bed, and in front of the fireplace in the bedroom, laying a rug down in front of the fireplace, I fell asleep in his arms
. I hoped that this would not be the last night for us. We had made love that night like it could be our last night together, and the thought absolutely terrified me.

I whispered to him “I love you.”

Unfortunately, he was already asleep.

He didn’t get to hear the words that he was so desperate to hear from me since that first date
.

The D-Day had finally arrived
. I met Ryan at Dr. Halder’s office, getting there slightly early and waiting in the waiting room for Ryan to arrive. He arrived shortly after me. We sat in the waiting room in silence, me flipping through a
People
magazine. He just stared into space. I could hear his breathing. I could even hear his heart pounding.

“Are you nervous?” I asked.

“Deathly,” he said.

“Me too.”

“Iris, I just have to get this out. I hope that you can handle what is going to be said in here. I pray that you can. If you leave me, I don’t know what I will do.”

I patted his hand lightly
. “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I hope you’re right about that.”

“Oh, I’m quite sure.”

Dr. Halder called us in
. “Iris, Ryan?”

Ryan greeted him
with “Hello, Dr. Halder. This is my, uh…”

“Fiancee?” Dr. Halder asked, looking at me.

Ryan looked at me. My expression was skeptical.
Why is he going to lie about that?

“Uh, actually, she is not my fiancee yet.” He looked at me. “Yet,” he repeated
.

Whatever.

“Come on in, sit down.”

There was a love seat in the enormous office. The office was overlooking a bluff, and had a very nice view of the city
. The windows were huge, and the ceilings were high, about 14 feet tall. I had to admit that this was a very relaxing office, with a little waterfall in the middle of the room. Ryan and I took our place on the love seat.

“Now, Ryan, first for the preliminaries. We discussed what you want to do on the phone. I need you to sign your waivers of confidentiality.” Ryan nodded, taking the papers in hand, reading them carefully
. Meanwhile, I sat there, literally shaking. I made eye contact with Dr. Halder. He smiled.

“Nice day out there,
” he said.

“Yes.”

“The trees are finally turning.”

“Yes, this is my favorite time of the year.” And it was. I have always loved autumn in the Midwest
. I loved Halloween, and the way that the air was so crisp during the month of October. I loved that the Christmas season was right around the corner, which was my second favorite time of year. I loved that it got dark so early.

Ryan and I had made a date for the following weekend to drive out to the country to see the changing leaves.
I hope that we make it that far.

Dr. Halder continued to make some small talk while Ryan carefully read the confidentiality waivers. “Are you looking forward to the Chiefs’ season?”

“I’m not really a football fan. Except when Joe Montana played.” This was a good twenty years ago. I sounded like an idiot.

“Well, you aren’t missing much.”

“True.” My father always got on me about not liking the Chiefs. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t care for football, although I had a massive crush on Joe Montana, so I not only watched every game the year that he played, but I recorded them on my VCR (this was well before the DVR age), and watched them back. Again and again.

“Have you seen any good movies?”

“I saw the
Dark Knight Rises.
”

“Yes, that was a good one
. Did you see
The Dark Knight
as well?”

“I did. I didn’t like it the first time I saw it, but I watched it again, and Heath Ledger really did give a masterful performance.”

“Yes. It was too bad about what happened to him.”

I took a deep breath. I had a feeling that another Heath Ledger film,
Brokeback Mountain,
was soon going to be invoked.

I hoped not
.

Ryan was finally done with the confidentiality waivers. He inhaled and exhaled mightily
. He nodded at Dr. Halder.

Dr. Halder began, addressing me. “Ms. Snowe, um, can I call you Iris?” I nodded. He began again. “Iris, do you know why you are here today?”

I looked at Ryan. He wasn’t looking at me. He appeared to be studying the paperweight on Dr. Halder’s desk, memorizing the design. “Uh, not really. I mean, I have my suspicions.”

“What are these suspicions?”

“Well, uh, Ryan’s ex-wife said something the other night, and I guess I need to find out what she meant.”

“What did she say?”

“She said that Ryan was in the closet.”

Dr. Halder nodded, looking meaningful at Ryan. Ryan nodded his head.

“Iris, I need to ask you this. Do you believe in bisexuality?”

I gulped. This was heading just where I thought it would, and I didn't like it one bit. “Sure. I mean, Angelina Jolie is a bisexual, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas has admitted to it, Megan Fox, Anna Paquin
, Lindsay Lohan, Zoe Saldanas…” They were all women.

Dr. Halder nodded. “Those are all women,” he said, stating the brutally obvious. “Now, I know that this is going to sound odd, but do you believe in male bisexuality?”

I looked at Ryan, feeling uncomfortable. “Actually, I’ve always heard that there are no bisexual men. There are straight men, and there are men on the way to gay town.”

Dr. Halder nodded again. “That’s a common misconception.”

I took a huge breath and waited for Dr. Halder to continue.

“You see, the female bisexual is accepted in today’s society. Britney Spears kisses Madonna on national television, and there’s some controversy, but it’s really not a big deal
. As you noted, there are no shortage of female stars who openly admit to having had affairs with women.”

I nodded. “Yes, that’s true.”

“What do you suppose would happen if, say, Brad Pitt came out and admitted to having had a love affair with a man, like Angelina Jolie had come out and admitted to having had an affair with a woman?”

“I don’t know. I suppose his career would be over.”

“Precisely. There’s a double standard about this. The female bisexual is hot. Men have fantasies about two women together. Women brag about having same-sex affairs in college. It’s cool to be a female bisexual. The male bisexual is not so accepted.”

True.

Dr. Halder continued. “Do you know about the Kinsey study?”

I did know something about that. “Uh, Kinsey stated that sexuality is fluid, and that nobody is entirely homosexual and heterosexual.”

“Right. Sexuality is on a continuum.”

I nodded. “I admit that I don’t really know what that means.”

At that, Dr. Halder produced a little line chart with a moveable slide. He put the slide in the very middle of the line. “Here is an illustration of one’s sexuality. On the left side is complete homosexuality. You are attracted to your same sex, and only your same sex. On the right side is complete heterosexuality. You are attracted to the opposite sex and only the opposite sex. And right here, in the middle of this line, is a true bisexual. That person is attracted to men and women equally.”

I nodded.

“Now, where would you place yourself?”

I moved the little slide far to the right.

“I see you moved the slide far to the right, as far as it can go.”

I nodded.

“That means that you have no attraction to the same sex.”

I thought about it for a second
. I remembered at least two occasions when I met women to whom I was extremely attracted. I even had fantasies about one of them. I also had a massive girl crush on my college roommate. And I often fantasized about women when I masturbate, especially voluptuous women that I encounter on the street.

“Um, let me change my answer.” At that, I slid the little slide slightly more to the left. Then slid it a bit more after that
.

“I see you moved the slide further to the left.”

I looked at Ryan. He was still studying the paperweight.

“Yes, I, um, have attractions to certain women.”

“Have you ever been with a woman?”

“No.”
Why is this suddenly about me?

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know. I guess, uh, I guess I’m afraid to be.”

“Afraid?”

“Yes. You know, it’s taboo and everything.”

“Ok.” He looked at Ryan
. “Ryan, would you like to add anything here?”

He drummed his fingers lightly on the side of the love seat we were on
. He took the slide in his hands and moved the slide further to the left, much further than where I had moved the slide.

He looked me in the eye. “This is where I am at on the continuum.”

The slide was just right of center.

“Oh,” was all I managed to say.

Dr. Halder motioned Ryan to go on.

Ryan took a deep breath. He looked at Dr. Halder. “I can’t tell her about this. Can you help me?”

Dr. Halder took the bait. “Ryan called me very distressed this week, concerned that you had found out about a man by the name of Nick.”

“Nick, yes.”

“Has Ryan told you anything about Nick?”

“No. I suppose that would be why I’m here today, in this office, to find out about that.”

“Yes. Ryan indicated to me that he wanted a safe place to discuss with you his relationship with Nick, so that you can get your questions answered by a trained professional.”

“Who is Nick?”

Dr. Halder looked at Ryan.

Ryan nodded his head.

“Nick has been in Ryan’s life since Ryan was very young,” Dr. Halder began. He again looked at Ryan.

Ryan looked at me, took a deep breath
. “Uh, I can take this from here.” Taking another deep breath, he began. “Nick and I grew up together. We went to grade school, middle school and high school together and were roommates at Harvard.” He continued, exhaling mightily. He played with his own hair, smoothing it back. He fidgeted with his collar. His hands went back to his hair, finger combing it.