Beautiful Illusions (30 page)

“Are you sure?”

I nodded
. I heard him get up and get some lubrication. He squirted some out, and rubbed a little on the sphincter opening. He also rubbed some on his penis. He lay on top of me again.

“Now, if you don’t want to do this, you need to tell me. Okay?”

I nodded.

He entered me slowly. At first, the pain was excruciating. I moaned softly in pain, although I hoped that he thought that I was moaning in ecstasy. I wanted to try it with him, and I knew that if he thought that he was hurting me, he would stop.

“Are you okay, beautiful?”

I nodded, breathing heavily. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, and tried to imagine something else.

God, it hurt!

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, it feels great!” I lied.
Imagine something else. You are on a beach on a warm, sunny day, drinking Mai Tais. Feel the breeze on your skin and the sound of the waves. The sound of the steel drums.

God, it hurt!

At that he plunged a little deeper. I felt that my insides were being ripped up. He was going slowly, as gently as he could, but the pain was becoming unbearable.

Then, all of a sudden, the pain went away
. I gasped. It felt amazing. Now he was able to thrust in and out, rhythmically. I had a powerful orgasm like I had never experienced before. This orgasm came from deep within me. I screamed in ecstasy, getting up on all fours. He was still going gently, and I commanded him to thrust harder. At this, he started thrusting faster and harder. It felt so good!  I never knew that it could be like this. I never wanted this to end.

Unfortunately, it did come to an end. After about
a half hour of his pounding, he groaned mightily, then laid on top of me, hyperventilating. Both of us were drenched with sweat. I, too, was breathing heavily. I was shaking like a leaf, like the first time that we made love. My entire body was shaking. I could feel his body shaking as well.

He rolled over on the blanket, and I rolled over on my back
. He drew me to him, stroking my hair. “That was fucking amazing,” he said.

I agreed. “Oh, yes, it was. Yes, it was.”

He looked at me. “Thanks for doing that.”

“Trust me, it was my pleasure. Trust me.”

“You want some water?”

I nodded, eagerly. I was incredibly thirsty
.

At that, Ryan bolted down the stairs, and came back up, two glasses of water in his hands. He handed me one of the glasses. “For my lady,” he said, laying back down next to me.

As we drank our waters, Ryan looked at me, brushing some of my hair off of my face. He stroked my face lovingly. “Thanks for being patient with me. It looks like things are going to be better now.”

That was an understatement.
I knew that Ryan had continued his therapy, with Dr. Halder, and he had confided that most of what he was talking about to him was about Rochelle. It was because those memories were new to him. He was slowly getting over what she had done. I knew that he was feeling confident that making love wouldn’t trigger him anymore, but I still had my doubts that it wouldn’t happen again.

“Sweetheart, I have no t
rouble having patience with you,” I said, as I took a deep breath, and looked into his eyes. “I love you.”

His eyes widened, and then I saw that he started to tear up a little
. It was my first time telling him this, at least while he was conscious. He smiled broadly. “I love you, too.”

At that, we got up off the blanket and got into bed. He wrapped himself around me, and both of us fell asleep.

There was nothing more to say.

Christmas was only weeks away, and Ryan and I were talking about getting a tree. Actually, two trees.

I explained to him “I grew up with a silver tree. Yes, it was ghetto, but some of my fondest memories surround that tree. And there was a little disk under the tree that made the tree glow different colors. Like a color wheel.”

“So, you want a silver tree.”

“Yes.”

“Ok, but I’ve always gotten a live tree. I want that this year, too.”

I must’ve looked crestfallen, because he quickly added “but, of course, we’ll have a silver tree for you as well. With the color wheel.”

I smiled broadly
. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!”

He laughed. “Anything for my beautiful girl.”

That was how we got two trees. Ryan’s tree was magnificent. We chose a fifteen foot spruce, because Ryan’s ceilings were a good twenty feet high. I thought about my sad little apartment and how this tree would have been too tall to fit in there.

My tree was bought at K-Mart, and it was about six feet tall
. We assembled the silver branches on the pole, and it filled out pretty well. I loved my little tree, and I loved the way that the color wheel made it glow different colors at night.

Then I got an idea
. I knew that the Christmas ornaments were in the attic. I saw them when I was up there the last time. He, however, was not aware that I had been in the attic. I decided to test him a little.

“Uh, Ryan, I’m going to go into the attic. I assume that’s where the Christmas ornaments are?”

“Yeah. Let me get them. You might fall.”

“I won’t fall.”

He gave me a look. “Bitch, please.” Then he smiled.

I frowned. He made a good point. I was pretty clumsy
.

At that, he brought down the ladder and climbed into the attic. I decided to try to climb in the attic with him.

“Come on, Iris, I told you to stay out of here.”

He called me by my name. That pretty much meant that he was serious
. I pouted a little. However, his reaction told me that he didn’t want me in the attic, probably because he didn’t want to explain those paintings.

My curiosity about them
was killing me.

He brought down a large box, full of ornaments. Then, he went back up, and brought back another box, filled with figurines. “This is my little town,” he explained
.

We spent the evening dressing the trees and assembling the little town beneath Ryan’s tree. The town was pretty elaborate – there were multiple buildings, and multiple little people – the women were dressed in bustles and old-fashioned high boots, the men were in top hats and tails
. There was a railroad and train that ran on the outside of the town. There were children as well, and little dogs. Also, a horse-drawn sleigh, with people inside. There were also multiple churches, with little steeples. There was a little newspaper boy, and we put him right in the middle of the town.

“This town is really cute,
” I said.

“Yeah. I
’ve had it since I was really little. Before my mom left. It was always a tradition for us to put this town up.” Then he looked sad. “After she left, the town never went up in Benjamin’s house again. But I took it with me when I left home, and I started putting the town up again when I stayed with Nick’s family. I’ve been putting it up every year since then.”

I stroked his hair. Sometimes he looked like a little boy, and now was one of those times
. “It’s important to keep traditions up.”

“Yes. Now, you and I have to make a new tradition, to go with the old ones. I have my little town, you have your silver tree. We have to make something together, which is all our own.”

My heart soared. I knew that he was serious about me, but I always loved to hear the words which told me that he pictured me as a permanent part of his life. If he wanted to create a new tradition, then it meant that he felt that I was here to stay.

We decided that our tradition would be that we would go ice-skating at the Crown Center on December 23
rd
of each year. Even if it fell in the middle of the week, which it didn’t this year, as it was on a Saturday. And, on Christmas Day, we decided that we would make a tradition of going to the casino. Yes, it was unusual, but both of us agreed that Christmas Day was often a let-down, and gambling at the casino was something that both of us loved to do. Christmas Eve would always be spent with my family, we decided.

That last decision, however, sparked a disagreement. “Ryan, I know why you don’t want to spend Christmas Eve with your father. But, what about your mother?”

He deftly handled it, though. “Listen, you love your family. I love your family. I’ll see my mother some other time. I want to spend Christmas with you and your family. I, uh, hope that they will officially be my family someday soon.”

It was getting peculiar. I had yet to meet Maggie Gallagher, even though Ryan said that she lived in town
. I wondered if there was a story there as well. I shook my head. How many awful stories can one man have? No, there must be a logical explanation as to why the mother, whom he loves so much, had never met me.

But what?

On the 23
rd
, just like we said, we headed down to the Crown Center and joined the throngs of people skating around the rink. The mayor’s Christmas Tree, the enormous 100 foot tree with elaborate decorations, glowed in the background.

I was just learning to skate. Ryan, of course, was a pro. There wasn’t anything that he couldn’t do well, I decided. However, he was very patient with me, showing me how to stroke and glide. At first, I clung to him, when I wasn’t clinging onto the wall. However, after a few hours, I was getting my bearings, and we skated, hand in hand, for the rest of the evening until the rink was almost closed. I had to admit, it was one of the most fun evenings I’d ever had. The night air was crisp and cold, and the rink was brightly lit. There were probably hundreds of people on the rink at any given time.

Yet, I felt that there was only he and I there on the rink.

I half expected some other ghost from Christmas past to pop up and say “boo” to Ryan. But, fortunately, that didn’t happen
. He did, however, see some friends and colleagues. He brought me over to meet one of them.

“This is Nate
. He is an old buddy of mine from Harvard.” Nate was tall, like Ryan, with black curly hair and blue eyes. He was meltingly handsome.

I took a deep breath, and held out my hand. He hugged me. “Ryan’s told me so much about you. I’m so glad to finally meet you.”

Ryan was grinning. Looking at me, he said “we e-mail a lot.”

“I see.” I was at a loss for words. It took me awhile to get comfortable with Ryan, because I felt so inferior to him. Now I was facing another gorgeous Harvard man. I felt that he was sizing me up, and finding me lacking
.

However, if he did find me lacking, he didn’t show it
.

“Ryan tells me that you are an attorney.”

“Guilty as charged.”

He laughed
. “Do you like it?”

“It has its moments.” Which was true
. Unfortunately, those moments were few and far between. “What do you do?”

“I’m an international man of mystery.”

Ryan motioned to him with his thumb, mouthing the words “trust fund baby.”

I looked at him.
You should talk.

Nate said “No, seriously, I’m an investment banker at Goldman Sachs. I’m in town for the holidays. Imagine my surprise to run into this clown.”

To which Ryan said “ha, ha.”

Just then, a woman skated up to Nate. She had dark hair, hazel eyes, a perfect face and body. Large breasts, long, thin legs. No makeup, and didn’t need any
.

“Iris, this is my wife, Natalie. Natalie, this is Iris.”

She looked at me, her eyes getting wide. “The Iris? Ryan has told us so much about you!”

She seemed sweet
. I just stupidly said “Nate and Natalie. That’s cute.” That was all I managed.

I wanted to get out of there, pronto
. I was once again reminded of how I would never, ever fit into his world.

Ryan explained “Natalie went to Harvard with us, too. Nate and Natalie got married right out of college, and they’re still like newlyweds.”

Natalie grabbed my hand. “Come over here with me, and let’s let the boys talk and catch up. They haven’t seen each other in years.”

Holding her hand, we skated over to the concession stand
. “Can I buy you something to drink?” Natalie asked.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that
. I have my own money.”

“Please, I insist. What would you like?”

What was it with these people never letting me pay for anything?
I figured that I had the word “broke” stamped on my forehead.

“Uh, I, uh.”

She turned to the concession boy. “Two hot cocoas, please.”

This was actually a good choice. I love hot cocoa
.

“Uh, thanks for the hot cocoa.”

“Not a prob.”

We sat down at one of the very few free tables, and sipped our cocoa
.